March 2000...
Date: Wed, 1 Mar 2000 10:15:10 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: politeness
Stacey makes a new friend at school and invites her home for the first
time. Stacey excuses herself to fetch her Mom and introduce her new
friend. As her friend is standing in the living room next to the
fireplace, she picks up the attractive vase on the mantle.
When Stacey returns with her mother, her friend is staring curiously
into the vase. "Oh, those are my father's ashes," Stacey informs her new
friend.
However, this startles her so that she drops the vase with a --
ashes and broken vase scattering all around. After turning three shades of
red she stammers out, "Oh, no... I'm, oh!... I, can't ... didn't mean
to.."
"It's OK dear," the mother says. "The vase was just from Wal-Mart."
The new friend catches her breath enough to say, "But ... but your
husband's ashes..."
"Well," the mother says, "looks like he'll just have to get himself up
and get the ashtray from the kitchen from now on!"
Date: Thu, 2 Mar 2000 19:56:23 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: lawyer joke
Why do they bury attorneys 10 feet under?
Because deep down they're really good people.
Date: Fri, 3 Mar 2000 12:46:10 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: English problems
a.. We must polish the Polish furniture.
b.. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
c.. The farm was used to produce produce.
d.. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
e.. The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
f.. This was a good time to present the present. (And this last could mean
"gift" or "era of time ")
g.. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
h.. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
i.. I did not object to the object.
j.. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
k..The bandage was wound around the wound.
l.. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
m.. They were too close to the door to close it.
n.. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
o.. They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
p.. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
q.. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
r.. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
s.. Upon seeing the tear in my clothes I shed a tear.
t.. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
u.. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Date: Mon, 6 Mar 2000 08:21:24 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: doctors in love
At a medical convention, a male and female doctor start eyeing each
other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit
down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.
After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel
bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she
has to go in and wash her hands. Once she comes back, they go for it.
After the sexual interlude, she gets up and says she is going to wash
her hands. When she comes back the male doctor says,
"I bet you are a surgeon."
She confirms and asks how he knew.
"Easy, you're always washing your hands."
She then says, "I'll bet your an anesthesiologist."
Male Doctor, "Wow, how did you guess?"
Female Doctor, "I didn't feel a thing."
Date: Tue, 7 Mar 2000 11:39:03 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: some days...
There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half-hour.
Then, this big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the
drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was
just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man
crying."
"No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I
overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired
me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The
police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and
after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my
wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was with the gardener.
I left home and came to this bar. When I was thinking about putting an end
to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."
Date: Wed, 8 Mar 2000 11:41:25 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Appendicitis
A young punk rocker entered the emergency entrance of a large hospital
in a great deal of pain. She was something to behold...purple hair styled
into a Mohawk, a variety of tattoos and an odd assortment of clothing.
However it was quickly determined that she was suffering from an acute
appendicitis and was schedule for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed and on the operating table, the staff
found that her pubic hair was dyed green and a small tattoo above said
"Keep off the grass!"
After the prep and the operation, the surgeon left a small note on the
dressing, "Sorry...had to mow the lawn."
Date: Mon, 13 Mar 2000 09:39:43 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: executive decisions
An executive was in a quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff.
He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Kathy or Jack. It would
be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both
did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one
used the water cooler first would have to go.
Kathy came in the next morning, hugely hungover after partying all
night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and
the executive approached her and said: "Kathy, I've never done this
before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Kathy replied, "Could you jack off? I have a terrible headache."
Date: Tue, 14 Mar 2000 11:14:45 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: fire department
Volunteer Fire Truck
A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire
department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the
county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby
volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit
would be of any assistance, the call was made.
The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled
straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and
stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying
water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire,
breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts.
Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire
department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that
right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for
$1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the
department planned to do with the funds.
"That ought to be obvious, " he responded, wiping ashes off his coat.
"The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire
truck!"
Date: Wed, 15 Mar 2000 17:54:09 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Quote Of The Day
"The White House has had dealings with me before. I know the names of the
people who can be hung, and they know I will hang them."
U.S. Federal District Court Judge Royce C. Lamberth recently during
a hearing involving the unsurrendered e-mails from White House computers.
Date: Thu, 16 Mar 2000 10:27:25 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: one way to go...
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his doctor and his
lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.
When they arrive, they were ushered up to his bedroom.
As they entered the room the preacher held out his hands and motioned
for them to sit, one on each side of his bed.
The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared
at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both the doctor and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher
would ask them to be with his during his final moments. They were also
puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he
particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long,
uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and avaricious behavior
that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the doctor said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?
The old preacher mustered up his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died
between two thieves.. and that's how I want to go."
Date: Fri, 17 Mar 2000 11:17:40 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: the treatment
A man awakens one day feeling not at all well. He goes to the doctor
and passes out in the office.
When he awakens, he's in a hospital bed and several doctors are
checking on him through an observation window. He manages to croak out,
"Wh … what happened? What's wrong with me?"
One of the doctors answers through the intercom, "You have a very
serious condition. It's a combination of gonorrhea, syphilis and herpes."
The guy says, "Oh no! That's terrible! What are we going to do?"
The doctor says, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is put you on
a strict diet of pizza, pancakes and pita bread."
The guy says, "Will that help?"
The doctor replies, "No, but it's the only stuff we can slide under the
door."
Date: Mon, 20 Mar 2000 11:06:28 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: The joke's on Shrub (fwd)
Bush Falls Prey to Prankster
OTTAWA (AP) -- Stung by a pop quiz about foreign leaders earlier in his
campaign, Republican presidential candidate George W. Bush now has fallen
victim to a foreign affairs prank.
Canadians are chuckling over his on-air answer when a comic posing as a
reporter made up a story that Canadian Prime Minister ''Jean Poutine'' had
endorsed him. ''I appreciate his strong statement, he understands I
believe in free trade,'' Bush replied.
''He understands I want to make sure our relations with our most
important neighbor to the north of us, the Canadians, is strong and we'll
work closely together,'' he continued.
Canada's prime minister is Jean Chretien, not Poutine, and he has
endorsed no one in U.S. politics. Poutine is a popular fast food in the
French-speaking province of Quebec, consisting of french fries, gravy and
cheese curd.
The stunt was pulled by comic Rick Mercer from ''This Hour Has 22
Minutes,'' a satirical TV show on the Canadian Broadcasting Corp. Mercer,
who sets up politicians on both sides of the border for laughs,
buttonholed Bush at a campaign event in Michigan before that state's
Republican primary last month and fired several questions at him about a
Prime Minister Poutine.
The real prime minister's office took the episode in stride, offering
this response: ''Clearly, Canada is not in the Bush leagues.''
Gov. John Engler of Michigan, a border state with Canada, also didn't
catch on when asked about Poutine at the same event. But he did seem
surprised that a Canadian leader would supposedly take sides in a U.S.
election.
Mercer said it's easy to lead his victims astray because they expect a
straight question from someone they think is with the press. ''People
don't really expect reporters to be asking trick questions,'' he said
Monday. ''It's all in really good fun.''
Canadians are keenly aware how little Americans know about them, a
sense reinforced by Mercer as he has traveled in the United States fishing
for evidence of that ignorance.
''We've done a lot of these segments and we're consistently
flabbergasted at the outrageous things we can tell Americans about Canada
and not get quizzed on,'' producer Geoff D'Eon told The Canadian Press.
In Arkansas, Mercer got Gov. Mike Huckabee to congratulate Canadians on
their efforts to preserve their ''national igloo'' -- which Mercer had
told him was melting because of global warming.
And he got American professors to sign a petition urging an end to the
''Toronto polar bear hunt.'' Toronto is a city of 2.4 million people and
no wild polar bears.
Copyright Associated Press. All rights reserved.
Date: Tue, 21 Mar 2000 12:27:35 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Working In A Cubicle
I don't!!!! I have an office, with windows... :)
----------------
BIGGEST DRAWBACKS TO WORKING IN A CUBICLE
1) Being told to "Think Outside the Box" when I'm in the @#$%? Box all day!
2) Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who is
behind me.
3) Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gun
fire.
4) That nagging feeling that if I just press the right button, I will get
a piece of cheese.
5) Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
6) My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right.
7) Women: Damned near impossible to adjust your bra or slip without comment.
Men: Co-workers tend to stare when you take your pants off.
8) 23 power cords, 1 outlet.
9) Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.
10) When tours come through, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.
11) Can't slam the door when you quit and walk out.
Date: Wed, 22 Mar 2000 10:34:06 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: protest?
Women Protest Drinking Dens, Demand Sex
NAIROBI (Reuters) - A group of women stormed a Kenyan police station to
demand officers either make love to them or close illegal drinking dens
they said made their husbands impotent, a local newspaper reported
Wednesday.
The People newspaper said the women, from Kandara, north of Nairobi,
brought business in the town to a halt with their day-long protest against
excessive drinking by their menfolk.
``Our men have turned to vegetables. They leave home early and come back
intoxicated. There is nobody to meet the sexual needs of wives,'' the
newspaper quoted one woman as saying.
The women, drawn from 24 Catholic church groups, demanded that the officer
in charge of the police station either order his men to make love to them
or find them new husbands because they were sexually frustrated. The paper
did not say how police reacted to their demands.
The women said the population of the district was falling as a result
of the poor sexual performance of the men.
Date: Thu, 23 Mar 2000 11:11:09 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: International joke
On a sunny deserted island in the middle of nowhere, there are:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman and
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later, the following things have occurred:
1) One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
2) The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a
menage-a-trois.
3) The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits
with the German woman.
4) The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.
5) The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
English woman.
6) The 2 Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look
at the Bulgarian woman and they started swimming.
7) The 2 American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, because
the American woman keeps on bitching about her body, the true nature of
feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, the necessity
of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm
trees make her look fat, how her LAST boyfriend respected her opinion
and treated her much nicer than THEY do, and how her relationship with her
mother was improving. But at least the taxes are low and it is not
raining.
8) The 2 Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.
9) The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by
setting up a distillery. They do not remember if they need to have sex
with the woman because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of
coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied because at least the English
aren't getting any sex.
Date: Mon, 27 Mar 2000 16:01:28 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: A Moving Story Of Inspiration For Us All
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the
morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls
over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door
and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long
to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and
slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened
and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we
broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the
baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started
again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be
the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again,
gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he
shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."
Date: Tue, 28 Mar 2000 11:54:39 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: sandals
This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring
around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed
this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a
Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."
So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, "I have
some special sandals tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at
sex like a great desert camel."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what
the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being
the sex god he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex
freak?"
The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on, Saihee". Well, the husband,
after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his
eyes - something his wife hadn't seen in many years - RAW SEXUAL POWER!
In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him
violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants,
and grabbed a firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs.
The Pakistani then began screaming..."YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"
Date: Wed, 29 Mar 2000 11:23:27 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Job placement test
Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people
to jobs? here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement.
Take the perspective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room
with only a table and two chairs. Leave them there alone for two hours,
without any instruction. At the end of that tiem, go back and see what they
are doing.
-- If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.
-- If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.
-- If they are screaming and waving their arms, send tem off to Manufacturing.
-- If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
-- If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
-- If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.
-- If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
-- If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
-- And if they've left early, put them in Sales.
Date: Thu, 30 Mar 2000 11:37:43 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: slight misunderstanding
The President and Mrs. Clinton are in the front row at a Yankees game.
The row behind them is taken up with secret service agents. One of them
leans over and whispers in the President's ear.
Mr. Clinton pauses, then grabs Hillary by the scruff of the neck and
heaves her over the railing. She falls 10 feet to the top of the dugout,
kicking and screaming obscenities. The President shakes the hands of those
near him and gets "high five's."
The secret service agent leans over again and whispers, "Mr. President,
I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH!"
Date: Fri, 31 Mar 2000 12:10:23 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: interpretation is everything
A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came
Murphy. The boss thought I'm not hiring that lazy Irishman, so he decided
to set a test for Murphy, hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the
questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an
argument.
The first question was, Without using numbers, represent the number 9.
So Murphy says, "Dat s easy" and proceeds to draw three tree's. The boss
says, "What the hells that?" Murphy says "Tree 'n tree n' tree makes
nine". Fair enough, says the boss.
Second question, same rules, but represent 99. Murphy stares into space
for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go sir" he says.
The boss scratches his head and says, " How on earth do you get that to
represent 99. Murphy says " each tree's dirty now! so it's dirty tree, n'
dirty tree n' dirty tree, dats 99.
The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire him, so he says
"All right, question three. Same rules again, but represent the number
100". Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts, "got it!" he makes a
little mark at the base of each tree, and says "There ya go sir 100."
The boss looks at Murphy's attempt and thinks, Ha! got him this time.
"Go on Murphy, you must be mad if you think that represents a hundred."
Murphy leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says,
"A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now you've got, dirty
tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, an' dirty tree an' a turd, which
makes one hundred, when do I start me job?"
Thanks for looking!
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