Date: Thu, 1 Mar 2001 09:32:35 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  role models

I'd heard some of these, but got some new ones...

-----

Why We Shouldn't Idolize Sports Figures

  Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all
the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to
copulate me."

  New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming 
season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.

  And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own
mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win,
I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

  Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in
football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman
Einstein."

  Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to
graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

  Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up 
alphabetically by height." And "You guys pair up in groups of three, then
line up in a circle."

  Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter
Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to
prison for three years, not Princeton."

  Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a
color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to
spell my name, I can still find my clothes." 

  Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his
visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we
went to."

  Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every
level, except college and pro."

  Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of
heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the
morning regardless of what time it is."

  Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record
in 1992: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general
manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."

  Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to
Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's
expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an
aunt."

  Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire
at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy
was that 15 hadn't been colored in yet."

  Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints General Manager, when asked after a loss
what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy no good
officiating."

  Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to
Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker."

  Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to 
vote:  "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot."

  Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him,
'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I
don't know and I don't care.'"

  Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John 
Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

  Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a
player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're
spending too much time on one subject."

  And the Gem:

  Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife
on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too dadgum ugly
to kiss good-bye."

Date: Fri, 2 Mar 2001 08:12:30 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD for all you geeks out there

the 3 most common forms of modern cryptanalysis:

1) backdoors
2) rubberhoses
3) subpoenas

Date: Mon, 5 Mar 2001 08:26:03 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  a note on American politics

  While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the Queen.
He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to
surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're
intelligent.

  "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen."Allow me 
to demonstrate."

  She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this 
question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this 
child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

  Tony Blair responds ,"It's me, ma'am."

  "Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and 
says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

  "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

  Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of 
the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms
to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a
question for me."

  "Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

  "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this 
child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

  Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back 
to you?"

  Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other 
senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several
hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, 
Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

  "Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a 
child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

  Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker."

  Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I 
know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

  And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb shit, it's Tony Blair!"

Date: Tue, 6 Mar 2001 07:55:25 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Mary in sunday school

  Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept 
through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, 
"Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?" 

  When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated behind 
her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!!" shouted Mary
and the teacher said, "Very good", and Mary fell back asleep. 

  A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But, 
Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the 
rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!!" shouted Mary and the teacher
said, "Very good", and Mary fell back asleep. 

  Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam 
after she had her twenty-third child?" And again Johnny jabbed her with 
the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn 
thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!!" The teacher fainted. 

Date: Wed, 7 Mar 2001 08:20:21 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  A look at the future....

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2050:

Florida to Be Readmitted to Union

Plague of Spotted Owls Threaten Crops, Livestock

Texas Executes Last Remaining Citizen

Great and Benevolent Galactic Ruler Reveals That Anal Probes Were "Just 
For Fun"

Mother Monica Dies: Revered Hero of Bangkok Slums Overcame Lurid Past With
US President

Wealthy Widow Anna Nicole Smith, 83, Weds Handsome Young Actor. "This Is 
True Love," He Beams.

Construction Begins On Grenada War Memorial In D.C.

Cody, Cassidy Gifford Elude Authorities. Drug-Crazed Crime Spree Continues

President "Bonecrusher" Jones to Face Chief Justice "Mad Dog" Ortega In 
Cage Match

Baltimore Rams Defeat St. Louis Ravens

Pope Phil II Settles Custody Battle With Ex-Wife

Upcoming NFL Draft Likely to Focus On Mutants

Younger Generation's Music Provokes Outrage of Elders

D.C. Zoo to Receive Rare Cow

Authentic Year 2000 Chad Sells For $6.9 Million at Sotheby's

Nursing Home Lawsuit Case: Clinton Denies Candy Striper's Allegations

Court Clears AOLTimeWarnerGE-DisneyCiscoFordRJR-NabiscoExxon-Mobil of 
Monopoly Charges

50-Year Study: Diet and Exercise Key to Weight Loss

Baby Conceived Naturally

It Wasn't the Cigarettes - It Was the Ashtrays

Cal Ripken Jr. Reduced to DH Role

Date: Thu, 8 Mar 2001 08:03:25 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  ice fishing

  A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter 
hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on 
ice fishing. For weeks she read and studied every book, hoping to become 
an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough, and out she 
went. She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment 
needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special 
place in her kit.

  When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her 
padded stool, and carefully laid out her tools. Just as she was about to 
make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, 
"There are no fish under the ice!" Startled, Blondy grabbed up all her 
belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from 
her thermos, and started to cut a new hole. Again the voice from above 
bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!" Amazed, Blonde wasn't quite 
sure what to do, as this certainly wasn't covered in any of her books. She
packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she
stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely 
careful to set everything up perfectly-tools in the right place, chair 
positioned just so, everything. Just as she was about to cut this new 
hole, the voice came again, "There are no fish under the ice!" Petrified,
Blondy looked skyward and asked "Is that you Lord?"

  The voice boomed back, "No, this is the manager of the skating rink!"

Date: Tue, 13 Mar 2001 09:19:45 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  bells

  On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Jenny went 
immediately to visit her grandmother.  When she asked how her grandpa had
died, her grandma explained, "He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday
morning."

  Horrified, Jenny suggested that shagging at the age of 94 was surely
asking for trouble.

  "Oh no," her granny replied, "we had sex every Sunday morning, in time 
with the church bells - in with the dings and out with the dongs."  She 
paused, and wiped away a tear.  "If it wasn't for that damn ice cream van 
going past, he'd still be alive." 

Date: Wed, 14 Mar 2001 08:59:56 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  thoughts

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.

MEMORY

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people 
remembering the same thing.

APPEARANCE

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Date: Thu, 15 Mar 2001 09:36:03 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  HELPFUL TIPS TO MAKE LIFE EASIER

  Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out
the names and addresses of people you don't know.

  Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by 
holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally
swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

  Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the
subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

  Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast
wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

  No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by
simply peeling it off.

  Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails
will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a
red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).

  If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of
boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost
instantly removed.

  Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following 
morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full
of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

  Color coordinate your pet with your furniture & carpets. That way, the 
hair won't show if you don't regularly sweep it up.

Date: Mon, 19 Mar 2001 08:06:18 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Sounds familiar?

  A C-141-A Starlifter had been delayed for take-off for over an hour at 
Thule Air Force Base, Greenland, because it's sewage container had not 
been pumped out. An airman meandered up to the aircraft with the 
containment pump, fiddles around for a while, then gets ready to
leave. The young Captain, who was the aircraft commander confronted the
airman, and stated, "You have caused me to be 2-hours late for my 
take-off. I'll see that you are not only reprimanded, but punished as
well!"
  The young airman smiled and said, "Sir, with all due respect, I have no 
stripes, I'm stationed at Thule, Greenland, it's 20 degrees below zero, 
and I'm pumping shit from an aircraft. Just what kind of punishment did
you have in mind?"

Date: Tue, 20 Mar 2001 07:50:23 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  .sig OTD

"Using Windows is like buying a car with the hood welded shut." 

Date: Wed, 21 Mar 2001 08:45:43 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Retardment

  A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One
child wrote the following:

  "We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They
used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they
moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded
people.

  They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like
grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they
don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked
center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right
now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very
well. There is a swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it
with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.  At their gate,
there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all
day so nobody can escape.

  Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.  My 
Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody 
there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every
night: Early Birds.

  Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go
out.  So the ones who go get out bring food back to the wrecked center and
call it pot luck.

  My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and
says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday, too.  When I earn my
retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people
out so they can visit their grandchildren."

Date: Fri, 23 Mar 2001 08:41:05 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Weather Watch: Does Weather Make Us Stupid?

Mar. 4 - As the northeast prepares for what wild-eyed meteorologists 
predict to be the worst winter storm in more than three decades, some 
scholars fear that in addition to its bruising winds, coastal flooding, 
and massive snowfall, this storm may be making northeasterners unusually 
stupid. Professor Lawrence Gerblich of Long Island City Community College
issued an advisory this morning suggesting that its impact is already 
being felt.

"All storms make us stupid," Professor Gerblich observes, "but some storms
make us stupider. There's a formula called Whoopenkauff's Constant, which
refers to the direct and inverse relationship between reported weather 
severity and human intelligence. There's always a spike at the onset of 
any storm, but the precursive stupidity we're seeing this weekend exceeds 
anything I've seen since Hurricane Gloria. And the storm is still many 
hours away."

Whoopenkauff's Constant states that for every twenty minutes of 
anticipatory storm-related media coverage, the intelligence of the average
American in the affected area will temporarily drop two IQ points. It is a
controversial hypothesis that many scientists consider unproven. "It
sounds like one of those stupid formulas that might be true but would be
really hard to prove," observes Harold Jackson, mathematics fellow at
Saint Christopher's Truck Driving Academy.

Wire reports seem to be backing the Whoopenkauff Constant. Early Sunday 
morning, National Weather Service forecaster Mike Evans observed that, "If
this thing pans out, it may be impossible to go anywhere." Even literary 
liberties seem inadequate to explain such irresponsible rhetoric from a
national weather spokesperson, the likes of which have not been seen since
the National Hurricane Center's senior spokesperson warned the east coast
that it was "looking down the barrel of a loaded gun" as Hurricane Gloria
approached the northeast in 1985. (The spokesperson would later insist he
assumed it was understood that he meant a water pistol.)

Meteorologists, news anchors, and convenience store clerks have been 
jabbering about the storm's looming dangers since early Saturday. "If you
took the sheer effort invested in the forecasting of this storm and 
converted it into Cheerios, you could feed the entire state of Indiana for
thirty-seven years," Professor Gerblich claims. (The state of Indiana has
declined comment.)

The Associated Press breathlessly reported that a hardware store owner in
North Brunswick, New Jersey, ran out of shovels on Saturday morning, got a 
new shipment in, and sold out again within fifteen minutes. The news
service failed to point out, as the Moron's Almanac has learned, that the
"new shipment" consisted of two shovels. Such journalistic license is the
norm under the conditions of Whoopenkauff's Constant.

Stanley Kitten Hayward, 63, quoted as he stood in the packed Home Depot 
store in Philadelphia, said, "I'm sick of it. I want to go south." No 
effort was made to identify the sinister forces preventing Hayward's 
migration, nor to ascertain why he thought his chances of moving south 
would be improved by talking to news wire stringers in Home Depot.

The AP also reported, "At Karns Quality Foods in Cumberland County, 
Pennsylvania, milk cartons were being hauled off the shelves so quickly on 
Saturday that workers could barely keep up." The story cites 
fifteen-year-old stock clerk Jeff Haft's obervation, made while restocking
the milk shelves, that "there hasn't been a break yet."  The press report
gave no indication of whether Haft and his sixteen-year-old co-worker 
Grant Lawrence were at risk of being terminated for their 
incompetence.  "And when we get done with this," Haft reportedly
continued, "the eggs are empty, so we've got to restock them. It's a
vicious cycle."

The story made no effort to get to the bottom of the empty egg 
scandal--how could hundreds of dozens of egg yolks have disappeared?  How
could Haft and Lawrence "restock" empty eggs?  Nor was any further
explanation offered of Haft's so-called "vicious cycle."  People who can't
get eggs rush for milk?   People who can't get milk rush for eggs?

But Whoopenkauff's Constant doesn't just cause overstatement and hysteria:
its insidious effects can also produce astonishing 
understatement. Consider the words of Paul Kocin, the winter weather
expert at the Weather Channel, as reported by Reuters. Noting that the
Boston area could get about thirty inches of snow, he said, "That doesn't
happen every day."

When the winter weather expert at the Weather Channel states for the
record that thirty inches of snowfall doesn't happen every day,
weather-induced stupidity doesn't seem so far-fetched. Today's New York
Times quotes meteorologist Bob Stalker, of the National Weather Service at
Brookhaven, New York, as saying, "Basically, we're measuring this in feet,
not inches."  The statement suggests a level of intellectual disconnect
seldom seen outside Congress--especially considering its obvious
dishonesty given Kocin's use, cited above, of the phrase "thirty inches."

Professor Gerblich recommends that if you find yourself exhibiting 
symptoms of weather-induced stupidity, several simple steps can prevent
progression: "One: turn off your television. If that's not possible, at
least turn to a channel without breaking news coverage. Two: don't read
newspapers. Four: don't engage strangers in conversations about the
weather, especially in bars, at convenience stores, or in the aisles of
giant hardware franchises. Five: pull down your shades or blinds so that
you can't see what's going on outside. Six: disconnect your phone or hit
the mute button on your answering machine so that friends and relatives
won't affect you by contagion."

The Moron's Almanac called Professor Gerblich for an explanation of the 
missing third item, but the call was not answered.

Date: Mon, 26 Mar 2001 09:21:03 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

  Software designers are so infatuated with the fact that they can, that 
they don't stop to think if they should.

Date: Tue, 27 Mar 2001 10:13:25 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOD - NY TIMES

QUOTE OF THE DAY
=========================

"Why should they have to live by the rules of the 18th century? That would
take away the very thing that the Norwegian people like about our
monarchy."

- INE MARIE ERIKSEN, on Prince Haakon's plans to marry his live-in
girlfriend.

Date: Wed, 28 Mar 2001 10:27:11 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Mad quote of the day (NY Times)

QUOTE OF THE DAY
=========================

"Mad has become mainstream. Either that or society has sunk to our level."

- JOHN FICARRA, co-editor of Mad magazine.

Date: Thu, 29 Mar 2001 08:38:59 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  diplomacy

 BAD LINE OF CONVERSATION
 ------------------------
  
  In her memoirs, Barbara Bush described one of those most embarrassing 
moments that inevitably occur, even on the most carefully planned of 
foreign trips. Along with her husband, then the Vice President, Mrs. Bush
was lunching with Emperor Hirohito at Tokyo's Imperial Palace.
  
  Sitting next to the Emperor, Mrs. Bush found the conversation an uphill
task.  To all her efforts at verbal engagement, the Emperor would smile
and say "Yes" or "No," with an occasional "Thank You" tossed in for good
measure.
  
  Looking around her elegant surroundings, she complimented Hirohito on 
his official residence.
  
  "Thank you," he said.
  
  "Is it new?" pressed Mrs. Bush.
  
  "Yes."
  
  "Was the old palace just so old that it was falling down?" asked
Mrs. Bush.
  
  In his most charming, yet regal, matter, Hirohito replied, "No, I'm 
afraid that you bombed it."
  
  Mrs. Bush turned to her other lunch partner.

Date: Fri, 30 Mar 2001 08:17:17 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Changes

Girlfriend Changes Man Into Someone She's Not Interested In

CHARLOTTE, NC--After two and a half years of subtle prodding and 
manipulation, Jill Nickles has finally molded boyfriend Brendan Eiler into 
the sort of man in whom she's not interested. 

  "When I first met Brendan, he was a guitarist for [local rock band] The
Heavy Petters, and I couldn't take my eyes off him," said Nickles, 28. "I
used to go to Tramp's every Thursday night just to watch him play. He wasn't
even the most handsome guy in the world, but he just had this mystique, this
air of danger about him. He was really exciting. It's too bad he's not like
that anymore."

  After several months of watching him from the crowd, Nickles finally 
introduced herself to Eiler after a show in September 1998. They soon
began dating.

  "Brendan was everything I wanted in a man," Nickles said. "He was 
unpredictable, smart, and passionate. I knew he wasn't perfect, but he was 
really fun to be around--which is more than I can say for him now." Just
weeks into the relationship, Nickles began to notice changes. "It started
pretty early," Nickles said. "Instead of being the wild man he'd been,
more and more he'd just stay home like a lump, even on nights I told him
it was okay if he went out."

  Four months to the day after their first date, Nickles moved into
Eiler's one-bedroom apartment. The move only accelerated the changes in
him. "Jill and I weren't living together long before she started getting
irritated by how small the apartment was," Eiler said. "She was always
complaining about how she didn't have space anymore. Then, she got this idea
to get a bigger place, but I couldn't really afford it, since I was just
barely scraping by with what I earned bartending at Mickey's. I really liked
bartending, and it allowed me flexible hours for band practice and gigs.
But, like Jill said, I was 25 now and shouldn't be living hand-to-mouth."
At Nickles' urging, Eiler quit his job at Mickey's and landed a position at
SFR Solutions, a Charlotte-area web-design firm. The job paid nearly $4,000
a year more than bartending, enabling the couple to move into a larger
apartment.

  With a full-time job and a live-in girlfriend, Eiler's relationship with
his bandmates soon began to deteriorate.

  "They kept wanting to play more and more gigs, and I felt like if we
wanted to land a record deal, what I needed to do was stay home and write
some strong new material," Eiler said. "Even Jill had stopped going to see
us because she said she was getting sick of hearing the same songs--and
she was our number-one fan. Finally, they said I had to make more time for
shows or they'd get a new guitarist. I was like, 'Screw you guys,' and
left. Jill pointed out that the band wasn't really going anywhere anyway,
and that I was better off in no band at all than one made up of a bunch of
unambitious losers."

  Upon quitting the band, Eiler's lifestyle changes accelerated. In
September 2000, he cut his long mane of hair in an effort to land a
promotion to associate design director at SFR Solutions. Nickles also
convinced him to become a vegetarian and sell his customized leather
jacket to put a down payment on a new Toyota Camry.

  "When we first started dating, Jill loved how I looked in that
jacket," Eiler said. "But then, a few months later, she said I was getting
too old to wear something like that. Plus, it didn't really gibe with my
new vegetarian beliefs. So, with Jill's full support, I decided it was
time to put my old ways to rest."

  Now a self-described homebody, Eiler said he finds his domestic
lifestyle "really satisfying." 

  "If you told me two years ago that I'd be thinking of marriage, a house
with a picket fence, and kids, I would have said you were nuts," Eiler
said. "All I used to care about was hanging with my friends and having a
good time. I guess it's true that the love of a good woman can really
change you for the better." 

  Despite Nickles' success in sculpting Eiler into "husband material," she 
found her attraction for him beginning to wane.

  "The reason I fell so hard for Brendan was that he was totally different 
from the guys I used to date," Nickles said. "He had beautiful long hair, 
and he was really smart and cynical. Now he reminds me of my boring 
ex-boyfriend Kevin, who's an accountant in Raleigh." Even though Nickles'
nights of going out to see The Heavy Petters are long over, she still
enjoys going out on occasion.

  "A couple of weeks ago, I was at the bar Brendan and I used to go to all
the time," Nickles said. "I ran into Rob, the bassist for Brendan's old
band and, I have to tell you, he looked really good. We hung out and
talked for hours and just had a great time. Drinking and laughing with him
really reminded me of the way it used to be with Brendan. I think I'm
developing a little crush on Rob."