Date: Fri, 1 Mar 2002 08:36:02 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

  Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half
as good. Luckily this is not difficult.
-- Charlotte Whitton

Date: Mon, 4 Mar 2002 08:03:33 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money.
-- Joey Adams, "Cindy and I"

Date: Tue, 5 Mar 2002 08:07:12 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Great Tagline I Saw

Carpamus dulcia; post enim mortem cinis et fabula fies.
--Persius

(Let us seize sweet things; for, indeed, after death you will become ashes and a story).

Date: Wed, 6 Mar 2002 07:54:19 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Rome

Rome 4.1
An operating system for society.

Development History.

  The first version of the Rome system was launched in 753BC, after five
centuries of beta testing by Anatolian immigrants in southern Italy. By
1AD, aggressive marketing had made it the market leader on three
continents, but frequent changes and upgrades to the original software
eventually rendered it unstable.

  Rome 2.0, based on the new Constantinople platform, represented an
attempt to create a more stable governing environment. It met with
moderate success, but was seen as less flexible than earlier versions, and
lost market share dramatically from 1000-1500AD. The company was
eventually taken over by the Ottoman Sultanate, a division of the House of
Islam group.

  Rome 3.0 was little more than version 2 redux, translated onto the
Moscow platform as part of a software-licensing agreement; but Moscow
vigorously defended its claim to ownership of the system right up to 1917,
when a worker's co-operative took over the bankrupt company and installed
its own software.

  Rome v.4 was beta-tested on the American market from 1776-1861, by
European programmers disaffected by the ongoing wrangles over ownership of
the IP rights to Version 1 (which had been left in limbo by its demerger
from Constantinople). The final release version, Rome 4.0, was launched in
1865 and incorporated Republican design features not seen in the system
since Rome 1.1.

  Mention should here be made of the Reich series, originally marketed by
the Catholic Church as a successor to Rome v.1, but later rebranded by its
German management. Reich I had been the dominant player in the European
market since the 950s, but never consolidated a monopoly position and lost
ground to specialist national systems from the 13th Century onwards. Reich
II likewise failed to corner the market, and was withdrawn in 1918. Reich
III, launched in the 1930s, was marketed much more aggressively, but was
ultimately squeezed out of the market by fierce competition from the "big
two" - Rome 4.0 and its rival, Moskva.

  Moskva's flotation on the stock market in 1989 provided the opportunity
for a takeover, leaving Rome 4.0 the industry standard in society
management.

  Now, in response to the challenges and opportunities of the new
millennium, USA Systems Inc. introduces Rome 4.1, featuring enhanced
security and troubleshooting capability, a streamlined Executive Order
facility restoring the speed and efficiency of the old Imperial system, as
well as an updated directory structure which clearly separates citizens
and subjects files for ease of reference.

  Rome 4.1: It's never been easier to rule the world.

Date: Thu, 7 Mar 2002 08:03:21 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  logic check

  A man is out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday
evening. Before too long, the cops pull him over.

  The policeman walks up to the man and asks, "Have you been drinking,
sir?"

  "Why? Was I weaving all over the road?"

  "No," replied, the policeman, "you were driving splendidly. It was the
ugly fat chick in the passenger seat that gave you away."

Date: Fri, 8 Mar 2002 08:15:22 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  HMO's at work...

  A man went on a ski trip, and was knocked unconscious by the chair lift.
He called his insurance company from the hospital, but it refused to
cover his injury.

  "Why is the injury not covered?" he asked.

  "You got hit in the head by a chair lift," the insurance rep said. "That
makes you an idiot, and we consider that a pre-existing condition."

Date: Mon, 11 Mar 2002 07:54:26 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  a thought...

  A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed the man had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he
wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a
Father."

  The little boy replied "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

  The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of
many."

  The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls, and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way."

  The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds," and
went back to reading his book.

  The little boy sat quietly, but on leaving the bus, he leaned over and
said, "Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your
collar."

Date: Tue, 12 Mar 2002 08:03:23 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  politely phrased...

  A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second
fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he
usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.

  Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says,
"Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a
hole?"

  The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to
bet but agrees to the terms.

  Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking
off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses
that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.

  The first fellow reveals that he's the new pastor at the local
Presbyterian Church. The second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic
and offers to give the Pastor back his money. The Pastor says, "No, no.
You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your
winnings."

  The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

  The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Church on Sunday and make a
donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after the service,
I'll marry them for you."

Date: Wed, 13 Mar 2002 08:23:47 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Confessional


  An 80 year old man went into the confessional and told the priest the
following: "Father, I am an 80 year old man, I'm married, I have 4
children and 11 grandchildren. Last night I strayed and had an affair with
two 18 year old girls. We partied and made love all night long."

  The priest said, "My son, when was the last time you were at
confession?"

  The old man said, "I have never been to confession, I'm Jewish."

  The priest said, "Then why are you here telling me this?"

  The old man said, "Father, I'm telling everyone!"

Date: Thu, 14 Mar 2002 08:00:40 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  be exact

  A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?"

  "Okay," she said, "but it won't do you any good."

  A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"

  "Okay," she said again, "but it won't do you any good."

  He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay, but you know
it won't do you any good."

  They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing
I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."

  "Oh, well that's different...." she says. "Send her in!"

Date: Fri, 15 Mar 2002 08:24:16 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  fortune of the day

"Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first."

Date: Mon, 18 Mar 2002 05:00:56 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  wake up

  A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment.

  The next day the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at
5 am for an early flight to Sydney. Not wanting to be the first to break
the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5
am."

  The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9 am, and that
he had missed his flight!

  Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. It said, "It's 5 am, wake
up."

Date: Tue, 19 Mar 2002 05:19:40 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  The Confusing Country

  Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the
bottom half of the planet. It is recognizable from orbit because of many
unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite
taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge deep
into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident
of geomorphology and plate tectonics, but they still call it the "Great
Australian Bight" proving that not only are they covering up a more
frightening theory, but they can't spell either.

  The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the
place. Where other land masses and sovereign lands are classified as
either continent, island, or country, Australia is considered all three.
Typically, it is unique in this.

  The second confusing thing about Australia are the animals. They can be
divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true that
of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them.

  Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous
arachnids, Australia has all of them. However, there are curiously few
snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed  them all. But, spiders
won't go near the sea. Any visitors should be careful to check inside
boots (before putting them on) under toilet seats (before sitting down)
and generally everywhere else. A stick is very useful for this task.
Strangely, it tends to be the second class of animals (the Odd) that are
more dangerous. The creature that kills the most people each year is the
common Wombat. It is nearly as ridiculous as its name, and spends its life
digging holes in the ground, in which it hides. During the night it comes
out to eat worms and grubs. The wombat kills people in two ways: First,
the animal is indestructible.  Digging holes in the hard Australian clay
builds muscles that outclass Olympic weightlifters. At night, they often
wander the roads. Semi-trailers (Road Trains) have hit them at high speed,
with all 9 wheels on one side, and this merely makes them very annoyed.
They express this by snorting, glaring, and walking away. Alas, to smaller
cars,the wombat becomes an asymmetrical launching pad, with results that
can be imagined, but not adequately described. The second way the wombat
kills people relates to its burrowing behaviour.  If a person happens to
put their hand down a Wombat hole, the Wombat will feel the disturbance
and think "Ho! My hole is collapsing!" at which it will  brace its muscled
legs and push up against the roof of its burrow with incredible force, to
prevent its collapse. Any unfortunate hand will be crushed, and attempts
to withdraw will cause the Wombat to simply bear down harder. The
unfortunate will then bleed to death through their crushed hand as the
wombat prevents him from seeking assistance. This is considered the third
most embarrassing known way to die, and Australians don't talk about it
much.

  At this point, we would like to mention the Platypus, estranged relative
of the mammal, which has a duck-bill, otter's tail, webbed feet, lays
eggs,  detects its aquatic prey in the same way as the electric eel,and
has venomous barbs attached to its hind legs, thus combining all 'typical'
Australian attributes into a single improbable creature.

  The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants. First, a
short history: Some time around 40,000 years ago, some people arrived in
boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and lot of them
died. The ones that survived learned respect for the balance of nature,
man's proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in,
and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories.

  Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north.
More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged and
stupid people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in Autumn
(failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons when moving from
the top half of the planet to the bottom), ate all their food, and a lot
of them died.

  About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since.  It is
interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves
vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie,
cheat, steal, and litigate (marks of a civilized culture they say) -
whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the
middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick.

  Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on Extended
Holiday and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused
by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a
person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core
of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking
inside your boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up
the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift
for making up stories. Be warned.

  There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply
the nicest and best in the entire world. Although anyone actually
venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging
jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends
to be a rock, and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will
kill just from the pain) and surfboarders. However, watching a beach
sunset is worth the risk.

  As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst, and wombats, you would
expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly,
cheerful, and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger, unless
they are an American. Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible
problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick.  Major engineering
feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string, and mud.

  Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is
Greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim
that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the
land "Oz", "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country") and
"Best bloody place on earth, bar none, strewth." The irritating thing
about this is they may be right.

  There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveller, though. Do not
under any circumstances suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless you are
comparing it to another kind of Australian beer. Do not wear a Hawaiian
shirt. Religion and Politics are safe topics of conversation (Australians
don't care too much about either) but Sport is a minefield. The only
correct answer to "So, howdya' like our country, eh?" is "Best {insert
your own regional swear word here} country in the world!".

  It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will
'adopt' you, and on your first night, and take you to a pub where
Australian Beer is served. Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse. It
is a form of initiation rite. You will wake up late the next day with an
astonishing hangover, a foul-taste in your mouth, and wearing strange
clothes. Your hosts will usually make sure you get home, and waive off any
legal difficulties with "It's his first time in Australia, so we took him
to the pub.", to which the policeman will sagely nod and close his
notebook. Be sure to tell the story of these events to every other
Australian you encounter, adding new embellishments at every stage, and
noting how strong the beer was. Thus you will be accepted into this unique
culture Most Australians are now urban dwellers, having discovered the
primary use of electricity, which is air-conditioning and refrigerators.

  Typical Australian sayings "G'Day!" "It's better than a poke in the eye
with a sharp stick." "She'll be right." "And down from Kosciusko, where
the pine clad ridges raise their torn and rugged battlements on high,
where the air is clear is crystal, and the white stars fairly blaze at
midnight in the cold and frosty sky. And where, around the overflow, the
reed beds sweep and sway to the breezes, and the rolling plains are wide.
The Man from Snowy River is a household word today, and the stockmen tell
the story of his ride."

Tips to Surviving Australia

* Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason whatsoever.  We mean it.

* The beer is stronger than you think regardless of how strong you think it is.

* Always carry a stick.

* Air-conditioning.

* Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained linguist and
  good in a fistfight.

* Thick socks.

* Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people
  nearby.

* If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all
  times, or you will die.

* Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a
  core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.

See Also: "Deserts: How to die in them", "The Stick: Second most useful
thing ever" and Poisonous and Venomous arachnids, insects, animals, trees,
shrubs, fish and sheep of Australia, volumes 1-42"

Date: Wed, 20 Mar 2002 05:02:52 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Americans

  An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from
several weeks of intense action on the Italian front lines. He had finally
been granted R&R and had made it to Southampton, England, there to board a
train bound for a few days in London.

  The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the
train looking for an empty seat.

  The only seat unoccupied was directly across from a well dressed middle
aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

  The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma`am, may I sit in that seat?"

  The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said,
"You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can`t you see my
little Fifi is using that seat?"

  The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after
another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the
woman with the dog in the opposite seat. Again he asked, "Please, lady.
May I sit there? I`m very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and
snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also quite
arrogant. Imagine!"

  The soldier leaned against the swaying wall of the train and again asked
if he could please sit down. The lady said, "Not only are you Americans
rude and arrogant, you`re also very inconsiderate."

  The soldier didn`t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the
little dog and tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the
empty seat.

  An English gentleman, sitting across the aisle said, "You know, sir, you
Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat
holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side
of the road. And now, sir, you`ve thrown the wrong bitch out of the
window!"

Date: Thu, 21 Mar 2002 09:05:44 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  timing is key

  A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their
waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that
the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the
woman acting unconcerned.

  The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out
of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared
calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had
disappeared.

  After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table
and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just
slid under the table."

  The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He
just walked in the door."

Date: Fri, 22 Mar 2002 09:09:49 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

  "Any girl can be glamorous; all you have to do is stand still and look
stupid."

-- Hedy Lamarr

Date: Mon, 25 Mar 2002 04:56:33 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Avoid revolution or expect to get shot.  Mother and I will grieve, but we
will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you."

-- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student

Date: Tue, 26 Mar 2002 04:58:17 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

  "That's the thing about people who think they hate computers. What they
really hate is lousy programmers."

- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty"

Date: Wed, 27 Mar 2002 04:57:00 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Hollywood Squares

This is from the original Hollywood Squares show, when game show responses
were spontaneous.

Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how
high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q: True or false? A pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes....

Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a
woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think
he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if
he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q: What are "Do It", "I Can Help," and "Can't Get Enough"?
A: George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get
any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing
strawberries!

Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss 2 subjects at nudist camps.
One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will
a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the
habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!"
What does that mean?
A: George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body: what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,
what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and
has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: They do if you hold their little heads under water long
enough.

Date: Thu, 28 Mar 2002 07:42:20 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Easter humor

  After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to play
a prank. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a
brightly colored one. A few minutes later the rooster walked in, saw all
the colored eggs, then stormed outside and killed the peacock.

Date: Fri, 29 Mar 2002 13:46:55 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  freezer

Two blondes are in heaven: One blond says to another, "how did you die"?

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first blonde.  "How does it feel to freeze to
death?"

It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde.

"You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But
eventually, it's a very calm way to go.  You get numb and you kind of
drift off, as if you're sleeping."

"How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first blonde.  "You see I knew my husband
was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up
to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV.  I ran to the basement,
but no one was hiding there either.  I ran to the second floor, but no one
was hiding there either.  I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just
as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.

The second blonde shakes her head.  "What a pity ...  if you had only
looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."