Date: Mon, 3 Mar 2003 13:17:02 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Quote

"If I have to sit in the corner for sayin' it, at least you could tell me
what it means!"
--Dennis the Menace

Date: Tue, 4 Mar 2003 08:43:09 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  line OTD

"My back to the wall,
A victim of laughing chance:
This is for me
The essence of true romance..."
--"Deacon Blues" from the Steely Dan album AJA (1978)

Date: Wed, 5 Mar 2003 09:05:59 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me."
-- Alice Roosevelt Longworth

Date: Fri, 7 Mar 2003 08:45:10 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: French observations

these are good....

-----

Jay Leno: "I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us
get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans
out of France!"

According to Jed Babbin, former deputy Undersecretary for defense for
George H.W. Bush: "Going to war without the French is like going deer
hunting without your accordion."

David Letterman: "France wants more evidence [of Iraqi violations]. The
last time France wanted more evidence, it rolled right through France with
a German flag."

Dennis Miller: "The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we
found truffles in Iraq."

Rep. Roy Blunt, R-Mo.: "Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend
Paris? It's not known, it's never been tried."

"Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in World
WarII? And that's because it was raining," said John Xereas, manager of
the DC Improv.

And even an unwitting French President Jacques Chirac: "As far as I'm
concerned, war always means failure."

Date: Mon, 10 Mar 2003 09:09:34 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Humorists always sit at the children's table."
-- Woody Allen

Date: Tue, 11 Mar 2003 08:06:33 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Pregnancy, And Other Issues Women Understand

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Date: Wed, 12 Mar 2003 08:36:50 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

  "No experiment can be more interesting than that we are now trying, and
which we trust will end in establishing the fact, that men can be governed
by reason and truth. Our first object should therefore be to leave open to
him all the avenues of truth. The most effective hitherto found, is the
freedom of the press. It is, therefore, the first shut up by those who
fear the investigation of their actions."
-- Thomas Jefferson

Date: Thu, 13 Mar 2003 08:13:01 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  deep strategy... :)

"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." 
-- Tim Steeves

Date: Fri, 14 Mar 2003 10:20:04 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  6 presidents

Six presidents are on a cruise ship and it suddenly starts to sink...
Ford says: "What do we do?"
Bush says: "Man the lifeboats!"
Reagan says: "What lifeboats?"
Carter says: "Women first!"
Nixon says: "Screw the women!"
Clinton says: "You think we have time?"

Date: Mon, 17 Mar 2003 08:17:05 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Other than the bombs they strap to their chests, I have no idea what makes
the Palestinians tick."
-- Dennis Miller

Date: Tue, 18 Mar 2003 14:44:45 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  geek qotd

"This blackhat thing looks like a honeypot a little. Or like a meeting of
nuns and hookers to discuss sex."
--Georgi Guninski, discussing the yearly Black Hat convention in Vegas; a
convention held typically across the street from the other side's DefCon -
where the 'white hats' and 'black hats' mix and learn each other's secrets

Date: Wed, 19 Mar 2003 08:19:54 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Inspections

PRESIDENT BUSH AGREES TO MORE INSPECTORS IN IRAQ (AP) Washington DC
Wednesday, March 17, 2003 7:45 PM

  President George Bush has announced that the US will not attack Iraq.
The President announced that he is agreeing to deploying additional
inspectors throughout Iraq. The US will send 250,000 additional
inspectors:

24,000 members of the 1st Infantry Division.
15,000 members of the 101st Airborne Division (Air Assault).
15,000 members of the 82d Airborne Division.
More than 5,000 members of the 4th armored division with their 'M1-A1
all-terrain vehicles'.
Additional US Army personnel, as needed for inspections.
A variety of US Air Force personnel for aerial recon missions and other
"surveillance" activities.
A significant number of United States Marines to aid with inspections.
United States Coast Guard personnel to inspect coastlines.
An undisclosed number of Rangers, Green Berets, Navy SEAL's, Recon Marines,
Delta Force, and other Special Operations personnel to inspect Iraqi
"hideaways".
Special air deliveries to aid the inspections will be made by aircraft from
the USS Constellation, USS George Washington, USS Abraham Lincoln and USS
Enterprise.
The President said, "With these additional inspectors, the inspections
should be completed in a few weeks."

Date: Thu, 20 Mar 2003 08:25:44 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Today's message

  My regiment (187th AARCT - Rakkasan!) goes to war again today. My heart
and support goes out to them - the 101st Airborne (Air Assault) has yet
another "rendezvous with destiny".

However:

  "If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise
of fighting a foreign enemy."
-- James Madison

  Let's remember what we're fighting for - and not give away the personal
freedoms that our forefathers won away just to gain a little security
against a foe who will use our own freedoms against us. Let us keep those
freedoms despite the dangers, not give them to the government for
safekeeping - for when has a government ever given them back?

  Sorry for the editorial, folks; I don't usually do this - but it needed
to be said.

-Bill

Date: Fri, 21 Mar 2003 08:07:58 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  fortune OTD

"The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and
blow, "is to learn something.  That's the only thing that never fails. You
may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night
listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you
may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your
honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds.  There is only one thing for
it then -- to learn.  Learn why the world wags and what wags it.  That is
the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be
tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting.
Learning is the only thing for you.  Look what a lot of things there are
to learn."
-- T.H. White, "The Once and Future King"

Date: Mon, 24 Mar 2003 08:15:46 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  this says a lot...

You know the world is going crazy when...

The best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the
tallest NBA player is Chinese, and Germany doesn't want to go to war.

Date: Tue, 25 Mar 2003 08:24:56 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  well, it's all in how you hear it...

  A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled
up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the
cat shoots back in the house.

  They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the
taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out. The wife, not
wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver:
"He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

  A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

  "Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed
and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I
had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me as I hauled
her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard !"

Date: Wed, 26 Mar 2003 08:08:12 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Kites rise highest against the wind - not with it."
-- Winston Churchill

Date: Thu, 27 Mar 2003 08:12:55 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"God is really only another artist.  He invented the giraffe, the elephant
and the cat.  He has no real style, He just goes on trying other things."
-- Pablo Picasso

Date: Fri, 28 Mar 2003 11:08:52 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it."
-- Mae West

Date: Mon, 31 Mar 2003 08:33:49 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  for you gamers: PET-eM

Group Name:
       People For Ethical Treatment of Monsters
       Pronounced "Pet-'em" by members
       Pronounced "You *stupid* *&^%&$$!!"  By Bureau 13/Department
7/Delta Green/Initiative Agents/various encountered Scoobies

Created By:
       Deceased

Number of Members:
       Fluctuates - Drops rapidly until there is a supernatural encounter
near a major university, or in Berkeley CA.

Nature of Members:

       Fluffy headed people who feel that Monsters are an ecological
response to the "depredations" of humanity and are a natural control for
humanity's over population.  Sentimental people who feel that just because
a creature wants to suck out your insides and wear your skin for a
disguise, this doesn't mean he doesn't have feelings, too.

Organization:
       Loose cells, organized by local enthusiasts, often quickly exterminated.

Game Role:

       To make your players spit things all over the table,  to make
ruthless fun of "people for the ethical treatment of animals" or other
people who see Humanity as a blight and wear birkenstocks.

World Role:
       McVictims

Relative Influence:
       Slight, although they *can* get into delicate situations and make
them worse/stupider/weirder

Public or Secret?:
       Public until members of B13/The Initiative/Delta Green/Department
Seven/various Scoobies get ahold of them.

Publicly Stated Goal:
       To ensure that vampires, werewolves, demons, face-huggers,
brain-eaters, bone-suckers and everything else nasty and brutal is treated
fairly by society and gets it day in court.

Relative Wealth:
       Not much, often members eschew materialism and capitalism.

Group advantages:
       Earnest belief in silly things.

Contacts:
       Very often a cell of this organization will crop up after a
potential member (probably already a PETA supporter) entounters the
Supernatural.  In this case he may already be in proximity to agents of
B13/The Initiative/Delta Green/Department Seven/various Scoobies.

Special Abilities:
       Members of this group can rationalize the most fatuous, slap happy
and self destructive ideas and act on them sincerely.

Group disadvantages:
       McVictims!

Special Disadvantages:
       They tend to pursue monsters that see them as food to try and
explain their cause.  Many monsters take this as a request to be eaten.

Who belongs:
       People who believe that humanity is too numerous, too arrogant and
inherently destructive, and that horrifying creatures provide a valid
ecological balancing mechanism.

Who doesn't belong:
       People who value human life.

Those who favor them:
       Monsters (Incredulous, but supportive), PETA

Those opposed to them:
       Sane people.  Insane people who want to stay uneaten.


Area of Operation:
       In the vicinity of major universities with large numbers in Berkeley, CA

Headquarters Location:
       None (Would be HQs are repeatedly raided)

Public Face:
       Clueless hippies and ultra liberals somewhere past the bounds of sanity.

Notable Members
       None determined at this time.

History of the Group:
       First started in 1983, when a members of a PETA organization were
attacked by a vampire and then saved.  Realizing the implications, the
original members of the organization researched monsters and such likes
and soon formed "Pet - 'Em"  Not long afterwards,  they were all eaten by
vampires.
       Apparently despite all efforts their notes and writings keep
turning up. (Agents suspect that vampires with nasty senses of humor
preserve them and reintroduce them to vulnerable groups)