Date: Mon, 1 Mar 2004 08:29:29 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first
attack."
-- Marie Ebner von Eschenbach

Date: Tue, 2 Mar 2004 10:59:53 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Wisdom

  Susan was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern
Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the
road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped  the car and asked
the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a word or two of thanks,
she got in the car.

  After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the Navajo woman
noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Susan.

  "What's in the bag?" asked the woman.

  Susan looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. Got
it for my husband."

  The Navajo woman was silent for a moment, and then speaking with the
quiet wisdom of an elder said,  "Good trade."

Date: Wed, 3 Mar 2004 09:02:20 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to
do, that makes life blessed."
-- Goethe

Date: Fri, 5 Mar 2004 08:55:00 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"A fox is a wolf who sends flowers."
-- Ruth Weston

Date: Mon, 8 Mar 2004 20:47:52 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  mathematician humor

  One of the basic equations of theoretical physics is e = hv, where v is
the Greek letter 'nu' (pronounced new).  By simple algebraic manipulation,
this is equivalent to v = e/h.

  Consequently, if one physicist were to ask another, "What's new?" it
would not be surprising if the other were to answer, "e/h."

Date: Tue, 9 Mar 2004 10:50:52 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  language help

What's popcorn in Aramaic?

Its alleged anti-semitism isn't the only problem with Mel Gibson's The
Passion of the Christ. There's also the small matter of it being in
Aramaic. To help enrich your enjoyment, here is a handy glossary of
useful terms

Compiled by Tim Dowling
Monday March 1, 2004
The Guardian 

B-kheeruut re'yaaneyh laa kaaley tsuuraathaa khteepaathaa, ellaa
Zaynaa Mqatlaanaa Trayaanaa laytaw!
It may be uncompromising in its liberal use of graphic violence, but
Lethal Weapon II it ain't.

Da'ek teleyfoon methta'naanaak, pquud. Guudaapaw!
Please turn off your mobile phone. It is blasphemous.

Shbuuq shuukhaaraa deel. Man ethnaggad udamshaa?
Sorry I'm late. Have I missed any scourging?

Aykaa beyt tadkeetha? Zaadeq lee d-asheeg eeday men perdey
devshaanaayey haaleyn!
Where is the loo? I need to wash my hands of this popcorn.

Een, Yuudaayaa naa, ellaa b-haw yawmaa laa hweeth ba-mdeetaa.
Yes, I'm Jewish, but I wasn't there that day.

Demketh! Udamaa lemath mtaynan b-tash'eetha d-khashey?
I fell asleep! What station of the cross are we up to?

Ma'hed lee qalleel d-Khayey d-Breeyaan, ellaa dlaa gukhkaa.
It sort of reminds me of Life of Brian, but it's nowhere near as funny.

Ktaabaa taab hwaa meneyh.
It's not as good as the book.

Puuee men Preeshey, puuee!
Boo, Pharisees! Boo!

Etheeth l-khubeh 'almeenaayaa d-Maaran Yeshu Msheekhaa, ella faasheth
metool Moneeqaa Belluushee!
I came for the everlasting love of our Lord Jesus Christ, but I stayed
for Monica Bellucci.

Aamar naa laak dlaa yaada' naa haw gavraa. B-aynaa feelmaa hwaa?
I tell you I do not know the man. What's he been in?

Feelmaa haanaa tpeelaw! Proo' lee ksef dmaa!
This film is terrible. I want my blood-money back.

D-tetbuun deyn men yameen u-men semaal, la hwaat deel l-metal, ellaa
l-ayleyn da-mtaybaa.
To sit at my right or my left is not for me to grant; it is for those
to whom it has already been assigned.

Saabar naa da-mhaymen beh, ellaa la haymneth b-haw meemsaa d-beh.
I suppose I believe in Him, but I didn't believe him in it.

Saggee shapeer! Laa tsaabey naa d-esakkey l-mapaqtaa trayaanaaytaa.
Brilliant! I can't wait for the sequel (second coming).

Eeth lee 'ayney, ellaa layt lee d-ekhzey la-kteebaataa takhtaayaataa.
Neqruuv leh?
I have eyes but I cannot see the subtitles. Can we sit closer?

Ayleyn enuun Oorqey?
Which ones are the Orcs?

Laa, haw Shem'uun Qooreenaayaa eethaw! Ezdar!
No, that's Simon of Cyrene! Pay attention!

Waay! Haw 'aalmeenaayaa hwaa!
Well, that was eternal.

Lebba deel daaleq, ellaa teezaa deel daamek.
My heart is on fire, but my bum is asleep.

Enaa mqatreg naa l-Ruumaayey.
I blame the Romans.

Tev attuun men qdaamaa!
Down in front!

B-zabnaa d-qeenduunos, tayyeb lkuun uurkhaa d-mapaqtaa.
In case of emergency, prepare ye the way of the exit.

Laa baakey naa-eeth gelaa b-'ayna deel.
I'm not crying; I've just got a mote in my eye.

Spreet mets'aayaa deelaak huu.
[Or, if addressed to a woman, Spreet mets'aayaa deelek huu!]
Thine is the medium Sprite.

Peletaa kuullaah da-Qraabay Kawkbey.
It's all an allegory of Star Wars.

Shluukh kleelaa d-kuubayk, pquud. Laa meshkakh naa d-ekhzey l-ketaan
tsuur- aathaa.
Could you take off your crown of thorns, please? I can't see the
screen.

Baseem, ellaa saabar naa d-etstebeeth yateer b-Lebeh d-Gabaaraa!
Not bad, but I think I preferred Braveheart.

Date: Wed, 10 Mar 2004 08:13:23 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad to lie and intrigue for the
benefit of his country."
-- Sir Henry Wotton, 1568-1639

Date: Fri, 12 Mar 2004 10:41:06 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Ordering Pizza in 2008

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID
number?"

Customer: "Hi, I'd like to place an order."

Operator: "I must have your NIDN first, sir?"

Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's
6102049998-45-54610."

Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive,
and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln
Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Email address is
sheehan@home.net... Which number are you calling from, sir?"

Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"

Operator: "We're wired into the HSS, sir."

Customer: "The HSS, what is that?"

Operator: "We're wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add
only 15 seconds to your ordering time"

Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat
Special pizzas."

Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."

Customer: "Whaddya mean?"

Operator: "Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that
you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your
National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."

Customer: "What?!?! What do you recommend, then?"

Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like
it."

Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"

Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local
library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."

Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then."

Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, and
your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99."

Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your
credit card balance is over its limit."

Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver
gets here."

Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn
also."

Customer: "Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How
long will it take?"

Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes,
sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out
getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little
awkward."

Customer: "Wait! How do you know I ride a scooter?"

Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car
got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid for and you just filled the tank
yesterday"

Customer: Well I'll be a "@#%/$@&?#!"

Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July
4, 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see here on
September 4th for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge." "Oh yes
I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State
Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to
society?

Customer: (Speechless)

Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"

Customer: "Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke".

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from
offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this. Thank
you for calling Pizza Hut!"

Date: Mon, 15 Mar 2004 11:09:44 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Even spaghetti is straight until it hits hot water."

Date: Tue, 16 Mar 2004 08:53:27 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  First Impressions

  Two cars were waiting in tandem at a stoplight. The light turned green,
but the man didn't notice it.

  A woman in the car behind him is watching traffic pass around them and
go through the light. The woman begins pounding on her steering wheel and
yelling at the man to move.

  The man doesn't move.

  The woman is going ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the
man, pounding on her steering wheel and dash.

  The light turns yellow and the woman begins to blow the car horn, flips
him off, and screams a stream of profanities and curses at the man.

  The man looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates through the
intersection just as the light turns red. The woman is beside herself,
screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the
intersection.

  As she is still in mid-rant she hears a tap on her window and looks up
into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious looking policeman.

  The policeman tells her to shut off her car while keeping both hands in
sight. She complies, speechless at what is happening.

  After she shuts off the engine, the policeman orders her to exit her car
with her hands up. She gets out of the car and he orders her to turn and
place her hands on her car. She turns, places her hands on the car roof
and quickly is cuffed and hustled into the patrol car. She is too
bewildered by the chain of events to ask any questions and is driven to
the0 police station where she is fingerprinted, photographed, searched,
booked and placed in a cell.

  After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the
door for her. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the original
officer is waiting with her personal effects.

  He hands her the bag containing her things, and says, "I'm really sorry
for this mistake. But you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were
blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a
blue streak at him.

  Then I noticed the: "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "What Would
Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper sticker,
and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

  So, naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car."

-----

  Remember others really are watching... so try and live what you claim to
believe in.

Date: Wed, 17 Mar 2004 08:15:49 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Quit worrying about your health.  It'll go away."
-- Robert Orben

Date: Thu, 18 Mar 2004 15:11:10 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"There's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead
armadillos."
-- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner

Date: Fri, 19 Mar 2004 08:55:46 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions. The surest
poison is time."
-- Emerson, "Society and Solitude"

Date: Mon, 22 Mar 2004 09:01:54 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"When eating an elephant take one bite at a time."
-- Gen. C. Abrams

Date: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 08:18:13 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  you're just mad they don't talk to you...

  A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice.

  The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to
Vegas."

  The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice.

  The next day when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. The
voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to
Vegas."

  Again the man ignores the voice, though he is very troubled by the
event.

  Every day, day after day, the man hears the same voice when he gets home
from work, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."

  Each time the man hears the voice he becomes increasingly upset.
Finally, after two weeks, he succumbs to the pressure.  He does quit his
job, sells his house, takes his money and heads to Vegas.

  The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the voice tells him, "Go
to Bally's."

  So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to Bally's. As soon as he sets foot
in the casino, the voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table."

  The man does as he is told. When he gets to the roulette table, the
voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17."

  Nervously, the man cashes in his money for chips and then puts them all
on 17. The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel.

  The ball goes round and round. The man anxiously watches the ball as it
slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number... 21.

  The voice says, "Oops!"

Date: Wed, 24 Mar 2004 09:00:48 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no
God. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg."
-- Thomas Jefferson

Date: Thu, 25 Mar 2004 12:26:09 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Frogs

  An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep
her company. So off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched.

  Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she
walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.

  He whispered , "IM LONELY TOO, BUY ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY."

  The old lady figured--WHAT THE HECK, she hadn't found anything else.

  She bought the frog and put him in the car.

  Driving down the road the frog whispered to her "KISS ME AND YOU WONT BE
SORRY."

  So the old lady figured WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.

  IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous sexy young
handsome prince.

  THE PRINCE THEN KISSED THE OLD LADY BACK..........AND GUESS WHAT THE OLD
LADY TURNED INTO?

  SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST MOTEL SHE COULD FIND. She's old.......NOT
DEAD!!!!!

Date: Fri, 26 Mar 2004 08:45:51 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"You may my glories and my state dispose, But not my griefs; still am I
king of those."
-- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"

Date: Mon, 29 Mar 2004 07:56:43 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject."
-- Winston Churchill

Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 08:27:45 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"If Jesus came back today, and saw what was going on in his name, he'd
never stop throwing up."
-- Max Von Sydow's character in "Hannah and Her Sisters"

Date: Wed, 31 Mar 2004 10:54:37 -0500 (EST) 
Subject: humor:  Magnificent Piece of Geekery 

THEOLOGICAL ENGINEERING EXAM

5 Questions, 60 Minutes.

  You may use a calculator, the Bible, the Koran, the Torah, and the Book
of Mormon. The speed of light is c. Show all work. For all problems,
assume a perfectly spherical Jesus of constant density D. No praying
during the exam.

  (20 pts.) Bob and Joe are standing on a street corner. God loves each an
equal amount L_0. Bob then accelerates to .9c. In Joe's rest frame, how
much does God now love Bob?

  Sven, a Catholic, is in a state of grace. He then has sex with sheep S.
a. (8 pts.) What is Sven's atonement coefficient following the act if the
sheep was not willing?
b. (12 pts.) What if the sheep, while not technically being willing, could
be said not to mind either?

  (20 pts.) Let the eternal, all abiding love of the Holy Spirit be the xy
plane. Let Sue's soul be at (0,0,5) at t = 0 sec., traveling at 5 m/s in
the direction of the positive z axis. Everything is in Cartesian
coordinates bespeaking subscription to a perfectly rational Enlightenment
attitude towards the Universe. At what time t will Sue be saved?
(Hint: Assume a point soul.)

  (20 pts.) Assume the Rapture occurs at time t. Cornelia, a saved human
weighing 90 kg, in a state of grace, has her head in the closing jaws of
an alligator at time t. What mass of meat will remain to the alligator
at time t + 10 sec.?

  Stan is a frictionless, massless Mormon in a rest state. His sin level
for his faith is currently 11 McBeals. He eats .3 kg of pork, and enjoys
it very much. Assume that the Jews are right about, well, pretty much
everything.
a. (10 pts.) What is Stan's sin level now?
b. (10 pts.) Stan is one of them Salt Lake City Mormons. He ain't so
damn smug now, is he?

  Extra Credit (10 pts): 25 grams of wafers and 20 ml of cheap wine
undergo transubstantiation and become the flesh and blood of our Lord. How
many Joules of heat are released by the transformation?