Date: Tue, 1 Mar 2005 08:39:28 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Cat haikus

...seem to be an ongoing thing. I just received these three:

The food in my bowl
Is old, and more to the point
Contains no tuna.

So you want to play.
Will I claw at dancing string?
Your ankle's closer.

There's no dignity
In being sick -- which is why
I don't tell you where.

Date: Thu, 3 Mar 2005 07:21:32 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"In the first chapter, Thompson famously describes the stash he's 
accumulated for his weekend road trip to Vegas: 'two bags of grass, 
seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter 
acid, a saltshaker half-full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of uppers, 
downers, laughers, screamers.' This is in addition to 'a quart of tequila, 
a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether, and two dozen amyls.'

"I resolved to try it all, down to the ether, which I finally located 
midway through tenth grade in a headshop on the West Side of Manhattan. 
(It gave me double vision and a headache.) Tracking down and taking 
everything on Thompson's list became a kind of mission, a pharmacological 
scavenger hunt that preoccupied me through high school.

"At this point, I should add the customary disclaimer about how drugs are 
bad, a lie and a trap and a destroyer of lives. That's all true, but not 
in my case. For me, the whole experience was interesting and fun. I had a 
great time."

-- Tucker Carlson, in the Weekly Standard, describing his reaction--at age 
12--to reading "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"

Date: Fri, 4 Mar 2005 07:38:38 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"The idea that Bill Gates has appeared like a knight in shining armour to 
lead all customers out of a mire of technological chaos neatly ignores the 
fact that it was he who, by peddling second-rate technology, led them into 
it in the first place." 
-- Douglas Adams 

Date: Mon, 7 Mar 2005 07:38:38 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"The dogmas of the quiet past are inadequate for the stormy present.  The 
occasion is piled high with uncertainty, and we must rise to the occasion. 
As our case is new, so we must think anew, and act anew.  We must 
dis-enthrall ourselves, and then we shall save our country."
-- Abraham Lincoln, Message to Congress in December 1862

Date: Tue, 8 Mar 2005 08:54:31 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  tagline OTD

"Working with UNIX is like wrestling a worthy opponent.  Working with 
Windows is like attacking a small whining child who is carrying a .38."

Date: Wed, 9 Mar 2005 07:46:21 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"No one can terrorize a whole nation, unless we all are his accomplices."
 -- Edward R. Murrow

Date: Fri, 11 Mar 2005 09:24:03 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Science is the tool of the Western mind and with it more doors can be 
opened than with bare hands. It is part and parcel of our knowledge and 
obscures our insight only when it holds that the understanding given by it 
is the only kind there is."
-- C. G. Jung (1875-1961) 

Date: Mon, 14 Mar 2005 08:53:47 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much 
liberty than to those attending too small a degree of it." 
-- Thomas Jefferson to A. Stuart, 1791. 

Date: Tue, 15 Mar 2005 08:37:22 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Evolution vs Creationism

  National Geographic just arrived. They had "Was Darwin Wrong?" on the 
front in November, and the letters section still has people writing in 
about it. The letter that I love the most is this:

  I am not surprised that hearly half of all Americans believe "God alone, 
and not evolution, produced humans." When I look at my three beautiful 
children, it is hard to believe they are the end result of evolving Eocene 
pond scum. My father-in-law, on the other hand, may be the evidence you've 
been looking for.
  - Toby Pitts, Baltimore, Maryland

Date: Wed, 16 Mar 2005 08:43:28 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children to 
spend their weekends with?" 
-- Rita Rudner 

Date: Thu, 17 Mar 2005 08:35:45 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Happy St. Patrick's Day

  McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time 
removing the olives and placing them in a jar. 

  When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the 
Irishman started to leave. 

  "S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had 
done, "what was that all about?" 

  "Nothin," said the Irishman, "Me wife just sent me out for a jar of 
olives!"

-----

  Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning 
service, and she's in tears. 

  He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" 

  She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away 
last night." 

  The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any 
last requests?" 

  She says, "That he did, Father..." 

  The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" 

  She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!' 

Date: Fri, 18 Mar 2005 07:32:02 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  tagline OTD

"Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense." 

Date: Mon, 21 Mar 2005 08:17:50 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  well, it's TRUE...

  "So I took my daughter to soccer practice this evening, and another dad 
and I were talking to one of the moms, whom we both know and whom we have 
both seen roughly once a week for the past six months. After we talked for 
about 10 minutes, a second mom showed up, and immediately said to the mom 
we'd been talking to: "YOU HAD YOUR BABY!" And then they hugged, and the 
new mom got out baby pictures. And the other dad and I looked at each 
other and realized that not only had we failed to notice that she'd had a 
baby, but we had been at most only dimly aware that she had been pregnant. 
We apologized, and she assured us that it was no big deal. Women are 
accustomed to the cluelessness of guys in these matters. The thing is, if 
she had shown up carrying a cool new cell phone, we would have noticed 
that."

-- Dave Barry

Date: Tue, 22 Mar 2005 10:01:34 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"One of the universal rules of happiness is: always be wary of any helpful 
item that weighs less than its operating manual."
-- Terry Pratchett (Jingo, 1997)

Date: Wed, 23 Mar 2005 09:14:21 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Bob Hope one-liners

ON TURNING 70  "You still chase women, but only downhill".

ON TURNING 80  "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."

ON TURNING 90  "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
      
ON TURNING 100  " I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING  "I ruined my hands in the ring ... the referee kept stepping on them."

ON SAILORS  "They spend the first six days of each week sowing their wild oats, then they go to church on Sunday and pray for crop failure."

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR  "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."

ON GOLF  "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."

ON PRESIDENTS  " I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER  " When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'."

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL   "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY  "Four of us slept in the one bed.  When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS  "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES  " I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."

ON GOING TO HEAVEN  "I've done benefits for ALL religions.  I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."

Date: Thu, 24 Mar 2005 09:39:25 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"I learned to play guitar just to get the girls, and anyone who says they 
didn't is just lyin'!" 
-- Willie Nelson 

Date: Fri, 25 Mar 2005 07:24:22 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"As I look back over the years I see that I had lost sight of my ethical judgment." 
-- former Connecticut Governor John G. Rowland upon his sentencing to a 
year and one day in federal prison and four months of home confinement for 
accepting $107,000 in gifts from people doing business with the state and 
not paying taxes on them.

Date: Mon, 28 Mar 2005 09:00:18 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  correction...

Gentlemen:

  I have been riding trains daily for the last two years, and the service 
on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing 
in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation 
system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.

Yours truly,

A Commuter

* * *

Dear Sir:

  We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our 
service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only 
mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.

Sincerely,

The Railroad

* * *

Gentlemen:

  I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are 
confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 
9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, 
gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the 
last two years.

Yours truly,

A Commuter

Date: Tue, 29 Mar 2005 08:31:42 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  day names

Sunday - Derived from the Latin dies solis, "sun's day," a pagan Roman 
holiday. 

Monday  - Derived from the Anglo-Saxon monandaeg, which means "the moon's 
day." Latin: dies lunae, "day of the moon." 

Tuesday - Named for the Norse god of war, Tiu, or Tyr, the son of Odin. 

Wednesday - Named to honor Odin, or Woden, chief god in Norse mythology. 
Onsdag in Sweden and Denmark. 

Thursday - Named for Thor, Norse god of thunder. Torsdag in Sweden and 
Denmark. 

Friday - Named for the Norse goddess of love, Frigg, or Frija. Variation 
of the Old High German fratag, "day of Frija." 

Saturday - Named in honor of the Roman god Saturn. Latin: Saturni. 
Sater-daeg by the Anglo-Saxons. 

Date: Wed, 30 Mar 2005 08:29:31 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"The U.N. is a place where governments opposed to free speech demand to be heard!"
-- Alfred E Neumann

Date: Thu, 31 Mar 2005 09:04:25 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  well, usually...

"It's a summons." 
"What's a summons?" 
"It means summon's in trouble." 
-- Rocky and Bullwinkle