March 1998...
From - Mon Mar 02 09:44:24 1998
Subject: humor: Food for thought
Some of these are old, but Jaelle found some new ones in here...
--------------------------------------
Subject: Food for thought
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow
isn't looking good either.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I
thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as
they go flying by.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Me, getting smart with you? ....How would you know?
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the
guts to bite people themselves.
I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager.
My Reality Check bounced.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger near the escape key.
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm merely a carrier.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
There are two rules for ultimate success in life.
1. Never divulge everything you know.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain might explode.
Tell me what you need, and I'll explain how you can get along without
it.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste
good with ketchup.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Someday we'll look back on all this and while we're looking, we'll plow
into a parked car.
From - Tue Mar 03 09:38:56 1998
Subject: Re: humor
These lists seem to be getting popular... but some of these are great...
:)
-Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
-Save the Whales. Collect the whole set.
-A day without sunshine is like, night.
-Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
-On the other hand, you have different fingers.
-Change is inevitible, except from a vending machine.
-Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
-I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
-When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
-Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
-Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
-I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
-He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
-She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
-You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted then used against you.
-Honk if you love peace and quiet.
-Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
-Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so
popular?
-Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
-Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
From - Wed Mar 04 10:57:40 1998
Subject: humor: The checkup
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked
him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old
bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about
that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a
story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season.
But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed
his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in
the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He
raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."
"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have
shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor...
From - Thu Mar 05 09:56:33 1998
Subject: humor: Thoughts on Beer and Drinking
Thoughts on Beer and Drinking
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline; it
helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons,
but at the very least you need a beer.
--Frank Zappa
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to
keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemmingway
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has
taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill (oppressor of the Irish)
He was a wise man who invented beer.
--Plato
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank
her.
--W.C. Fields
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
--Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
--His reply
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
--David Daye
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
--Oscar Wilde
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it
makes beer shoot out your nose.
--Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the
wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
--Humphrey Bogart
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.
--David Moulton
People who drink light beer don't like the taste of beer; they just
like to pee alot.
--Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
--Kaiser Wilhelm
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
--Homer Simpson
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and
oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital
ingredient in beer.
--Dave Barry
I drink to make other people interesting.
--George Jean Nathan
They who drink beer will think beer.
--Washington Irving
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with
his fools.
--For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
--Dean Martin
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's
just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
--Homer Simpson
From - Mon Mar 09 10:18:00 1998
Subject: humor: If the Apostles were College Students...
The Sermon on the Mount
Then Jesus took his disciples up on the mountain and gathered them
around him. And he taught them, saying,
"Blessed are the poor in spirit.
Blessed are the meek.
Blessed are the merciful.
Blessed are you who thirst for justice.
Blessed are you who are persecuted.
Blessed are you who suffer.
When these things begin to happen, rejoice, for your reward will be
great in Heaven."
And Simon Peter said, "Do we have to write this down?"
And Phillip said, "Will this be on the test?"
And John said, "Would you repeat that?"
And Andrew said, "John the Baptist's disciples don't have to learn this
stuff."
And Matthew said, "Huh?"
And Judas said, "What's this got to do with real life?"
Then one of the Pharisees, an expert in the law, said, "I don't see any
of this in your syllabus. Do you have a lesson Plan? Is there a summary?
Where's the student guide? Will there be a follow-up assignment?"
Thomas, who had missed the sermon, came to Jesus privately and said,
"Did we do anything important today?"
.... And Jesus wept.
From - Tue Mar 10 10:42:21 1998
Subject: International Humor
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH :
---------------------------------
1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay
2. Yet to experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs
4. If there's a war you can surrender really early
5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on
Channel 4.
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street
humiliating your sense of national pride
9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN :
-----------------------------------
1. You can have a woman president without electing her
2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it
3. You can call Budweiser beer
4. You can be a crook and still be president
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun
7. You can invent a new public holiday every year
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody
seems to care.
9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.
11. When you're not.
12. At all.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH :
----------------------------------
1. Two World Wars and One World Cup doo-dah doo-dah
2. Warm beer
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events
5. Union jack underpants
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8. Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not
9. Ditto changing underwear
10. Beats being Welsh.
11. Or Scottish
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN :
----------------------------------
1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns
4. Glorious military history... well, till about 400 a.d.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside
6. Political stability
7. Flexible working hours
8. Live near the Pope
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair
10. Country run by Sicilian murderers
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH :
----------------------------------
1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits etc
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing
6. Honesty
7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight
clothes and risk your life in front of bulls
8. You get to eat bulls' testicles
9. Gibraltar
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN :
---------------------------------
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. In-built sense of pacifism
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN :
---------------------------------
1. Chicken Madras
2. Lamb Passanda
3. Onion Bhaji
4. Bombay Potato
5. Chicken Tikka Masala
6. Rogan Josh
7. Popadoms
8. Chisken Dopiaza
9. Meat Boona
10. Kingfisher lager
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH:
-------------------------------
1. You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?!?!?!?
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH :
--------------------------------
1. Guinness
2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road
4. Pubs never close
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican
Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with
a condom on.
6. No one can ever remember the night before
7. Kill people you don't agree with
8. Stew
9. More Guinness
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the
morning after a bout of sectarian violence.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN :
-----------------------------------
1. It beats being an American.
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to
the ground.
3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to
the ground.
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity
ratings will rise.
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to
the ground.
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their
skins
9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to
the ground.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN:
------------------------------------
1. Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bastard that no civilised
nation on earth wanted.
2. Fosters Lager
3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years
because you think it belongs to you.
4. Annihilate England every time you play them at cricket.
5. Tact and sensitivity.
6. Bondi Beach.
7. Other beaches.
8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals
9. Drinking cold lager on the beach
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.
(can you tell that one came in from a Canadian?) :)
From - Wed Mar 11 09:36:35 1998
Subject: humor: 25 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...
25 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increase job satisfaction - if you have a bad job, you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. Employees work later; there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
18. All agree they work better after they've had a couple of drinks.
19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on lunch break.
20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.
23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."
25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.
From - Thu Mar 12 12:05:21 1998
Subject: humor: One Liners
What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
Snowballs.
What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
They both like a tight seal.
If a light sleeper sleeps with a light on, what does a hard sleeper
sleep with?
What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?
Sticks it in Olive Oyl.
What has three teeth and sixty feet?
The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.
What is the new O.J. web site address?
slash slash backslash escape
What did the lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
They're right, we do taste like chicken!
What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
Their balls are just for decoration.
What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
Well hung.
What do you call a gay dinosaur?
Megasorass
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One... men will screw anything.
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? One
is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with... the
other is used to carry groceries.
From - Mon Mar 16 09:29:09 1998
Subject: humor: The Real State of the Union
It's crude, but funny; and it makes it's point...
-------------------------------------------------
"Members of Congress, people of America, I banged her. I banged her
like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think
Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you
haven't been paying attention.
The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno,
Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like
and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy.
Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary. I do. If not for the
ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm
equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President.
So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI
files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean
wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to
Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed
every ass that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good.
Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I
was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned
out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an
aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place called
"Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the White House.
Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's
he came in with. There was Carter before him who brought you a 17%
prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had
just kicked in. Nixon before that coined, but never really understood,
the concept of 'plausible deniability, ' and almost got a one-way ticket
to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an
inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American
society was Agent Orange. And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty
himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that curious
atavistic tic for beaver-wrestling shared by at least a dozen former
residents of the White House.
Which brings me back to my point. Since I have been strumming the
banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The
budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to
Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently.
Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a
night-watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a
full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college
who can spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual
maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is
coming from.
Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my
pecker showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with
your daughter, unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and
then I'd like to discuss it.
In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life
you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking the
presidential limousine.
From - Tue Mar 17 11:55:12 1998
Subject: humor: Rules for Life
I don't agree with ALL of these, but most are good common sense.
-------------------------------
INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE
1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
2. Memorize your favorite poem.
3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
4. When you say, "I love you", mean it.
5. When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.
6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
7. Believe in love at first sight.
8. Never laugh at anyone's dreams.
9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only
way to live life completely.
10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
11. Don't judge people by their relatives.
12. Talk slow but think quick.
13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and
ask, "Why do you want to know?".
14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
15. Call your mom.
16. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
17. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
18. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others;
Responsibility for all your actions.
19. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
20. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to
correct it.
21. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your
voice.
22. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, his/her
conversational skills will be as important as any other.
23. Spend some time alone.
24. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
25. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
26. Read more books and watch less TV.
27. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back,
you'll get to enjoy it a second time.
28. Trust in God (any) but lock your car.
29. A loving atmosphere in your home is so important. Do all you can to
create a tranquil harmonious home.
30. In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation.
Don't bring up the past.
31. Read between the lines.
32. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
33. Be gentle with the earth.
34. Pray -- there's immeasurable power in it.
35. Never interrupt when you are being flattered.
36. Mind your own business.
37. Don't trust someone who doesn't close their eyes when you kiss them.
38. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
39. If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you
are living. That is wealth's greatest satisfaction.
40. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of
luck.
41. Learn the rules then break some.
42. Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each
other is greater than your need for each other.
43. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
44. Remember that your character is your destiny.
45. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
From - Wed Mar 18 10:56:03 1998
Subject: humor: This just reminded me of far too many bosses in my past...
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: That's very interesting.
TRANSLATION: I disagree.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I don't disagree.
TRANSLATION: I disagree.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You have to show me some flexibility.
TRANSLATION: You have to do it whether you want to or not.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have an opportunity.
TRANSLATION: You have a problem.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You obviously put a lot of work into this.
TRANSLATION: This is awful.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: In a perfect world.
TRANSLATION: Just get it working and get it out the door.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Help me to understand.
TRANSLATION: I don't know what you're talking about, and I don't think
you do either.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You just don't understand our business.
TRANSLATION: We don't understand our business.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: My mind is made up. I am adamant on the subject.
There is no room for discussion. But if you do want to discuss it
further, my door is always open.
TRANSLATION: &%^$ you.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I appreciate your contribution.
TRANSLATION: @#%** you.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We're going to follow a strict methodology here.
TRANSLATION: We're going to do it my way.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I didn't understand the e-mail you said you sent. Can
you give me a quick summary?
TRANSLATION: I still can't figure out how to start the e-mail program.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Cost of ownership has become a significant issue in
desktop computing.
TRANSLATION: We want all the benefits and none of the costs.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have to leverage our resources.
TRANSLATION: You're working weekends.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Individual contributor.
TRANSLATION: Employee who does real work.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Your project is on hold.
TRANSLATION: We've put a bullet in it.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Wrong answer.
TRANSLATION: You didn't tell me what I wanted to hear.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You needed to be more proactive.
TRANSLATION: You should have protected me from myself.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'd like your buy-in on this.
TRANSLATION: I want someone else to blame when this thing bombs.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We want you to be the executive champion of this
project.
TRANSLATION: I want to be able to blame you for my mistakes.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We need to syndicate this decision.
TRANSLATION: We need to spread the blame if it backfires.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have to put on our marketing hats.
TRANSLATION: We have to put ethics aside.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: It's not possible. It's impractical. It won't work.
TRANSLATION: I don't know how to do it.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: It's a no-brainer.
TRANSLATION: It's a perfect decision for me to handle.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'm glad you asked me that.
TRANSLATION: Public relations has written a carefully phrased answer.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I see you involve your peers in developing your
proposal.
TRANSLATION: One person couldn't possibly come up with something so
stupid.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: There are larger issues at stake.
TRANSLATION: I've made up my mind so don't bother me with facts.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'll never lie to you.
TRANSLATION: The truth will change frequently.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Our business is going through a paradigm shift.
TRANSLATION: We have no idea what we've been doing, but in the future
we shall do something completely different.
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Value-added.
TRANSLATION: Expensive
MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Human Resources
TRANSLATION: A bulk commodity, like lentils or cinder blocks.
From - Thu Mar 19 14:06:26 1998
Subject: humor: Food Spoilage Rules
This is provided as a public service... :)
------------------------------------------
* FOOD SPOILAGE TABLE *
THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what
you cooked for yourself last night).
EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is
probably past its prime.
DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled
when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled
when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing
but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is
already.
FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting
problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or
wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a
three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is
spoiled.
LETTUCE
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the
vegetable crisper without Comet.
CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a basketball
should be disposed of. Carefully.
CARROTS
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
WINE
It should not taste like salad dressing.
POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy
undergrowth.
CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it
has gone bad.
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a
hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.
From - Fri Mar 20 11:52:11 1998
Subject: humor: Quotes on Recent Events
Quotes on Recent Events
"The 1998 Winter Olympics are under way in Nagano, Japan. CBS has
promised 128 hours of coverage... that is, unless Monica Lewinsky gets a
hair cut or something." - Conan O'Brien
"Newsweek and Time both have cover stories about the sex scandal.
Meanwhile the Star and National Enquirer ran full coverage on the pope's
visit to Cuba." - Cutler Daily Scoop
"A former co-worker says Lewinsky often commented about how sexy Al
Gore was. Okay, so now we know she's attracted to anything that does and
doesn't move." - Conan O'Brien
"While he was campaigning for office, Clinton told young people they
should wait to have sex. Now we know what he wanted them to wait for.
Him." - Jay Leno
"A devout Hindu is suing Taco Bell for serving him a beef burrito
instead of the bean burrito he ordered. He said the forbidden meat
caused nausea, loss of sleep and many doctor's visits. In its defense,
Taco Bell said the same thing would have happened if he'd gotten the
bean burrito." - Unknown Source
From - Mon Mar 23 12:28:25 1998
Subject: humor: Remember when...
REMEMBER WHEN.......
A computer was something on TV
from a science fiction show
A window was something you hated to clean...
and RAM was the cousin of a goat...
MEG was the name of my girlfriend
and GIG was your middle finger
now they all mean different things
and that really MEGA BYTES
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
and if you had a 3 1/2" floppy
you hoped nobody found out
Compress was something you did to the garbage
not something you did to a file
and if you unzipped anything in public
you'd be in jail for a while
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
and a backup happened to your commode
Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A WEB was a spider's home
and a virus was the flu
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
and the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
but when it happens they wish they were dead...
From - Tue Mar 24 13:06:54 1998
Subject: humor: New Billing Codes...
It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been
turning in time sheets that specify large billing amounts of
Miscellaneous Unproductive Time (code 5309). To our firm, unproductive
time is not a problem. What is a problem, however, is not knowing
exactly what you are doing with your unproductive time. Attached below
is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our
observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify
with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your
unproductive time.
Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know
about any difficulties you may encounter.
Extended Job Code List Code # Explanation:
5000 Surfing the Net
5001 Reading/Writing Social Email
5002 Sharing Social E-Mail (see codes #5003, #5004)
5003 Collecting Jokes and Other Humorous Material via E-Mail
5004 Forwarding Jokes and Other Humorous Material via E-Mail
5005 Faxing Jokes and Other Humorous Material to Friends not on E-Mail
5316 Meeting
5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318 Trying to sound knowledgeable while in Meeting
5319 Waiting for Break
5320 Waiting for Lunch
5321 Waiting for End of Day
5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker while not Present
5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker not interested in Learning
5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates Me
5481 Buying Snack
5482 Eating Snack
5500 Filling out Time sheet
5501 Inventing Time sheet Entries
5502 Waiting for Something to Happen
5503 Scratching Myself
5504 Sleeping
5510 Feeling Bored
5600 Bitching about Lousy Job (see code #5610)
5601 Bitching about Low Pay (see code #5610)
5602 Bitching about Long Hours (see code #5610)
5603 Bitching about Coworker (see codes #5322, #5323)
5604 Bitching about Boss (see code #5610)
5605 Bitching about Personal Problems
5610 Searching for a New Job
5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Bitching
5701 Not Actually Present at Job
5702 Suffering from Eight-Hour Flu
6102 Ordering Out
6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
6104 Taking it Easy while Digesting Food
6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
6201 Stealing Company Goods
6202 Making Excuses after Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
6206 Gossiping
6207 Planning a Social Event
6210 Feeling Sorry for Myself
6221 Pretending to Work While Boss is Watching
6222 Pretending to Enjoy My Job
6223 Pretending I Like My Coworkers
6224 Pretending I Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks
6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl
6601 Running my Own Business on Company Time (see code #6603)
6602 Complaining
6603 Writing a Book on Company Time
6604 Planning a Vacation on Company Time
6611 Staring Into Space
6612 Staring at Computer Screen
6615 Transcendental Meditation
7281 Extended Trip to the Bathroom (at least 10 min.)
7400 Talking with Divorce Lawyer on Phone
7401 Talking with Plumber on Phone
7402 Talking with Dentist on Phone
7403 Talking with Doctor on Phone
7404 Talking with Masseuse on Phone
7405 Talking with House Painter on Phone
7406 Talking with Personal Therapist on Phone
7419 Talking with Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
7425 Talking with Mistress/Boy Toy on Phone (also see code #7400)
7931 Asking Coworker to Aid Me in an Illicit Activity
8000 Recreational Drug Use
From - Wed Mar 25 13:18:11 1998
Subject: humor: It doesn't stop here
There was once a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. For the
sake of this story, we'll call him Jack. After years of being taken for
granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the UNIX
programmers and Client/Server programmers and website developers, Jack
was finally getting some respect. He'd become a private consultant
specializing in Year 2000 conversions. He was working short-term
assignments for prestige companies, traveling all over the world on
different assignments. He was working 70 and 80 and even 90 hour weeks,
but it was worth it.
Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll
on Jack. He had problems sleeping and began having anxiety dreams about
the Year 2000. It had reached a point where even the thought of the year
2000 made him nearly violent. He must have suffered some sort of
breakdown, because all he could think about was how he could avoid the
year 2000 and all that came with it.
Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He
made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. This was very
expensive process and totally automated. He was thrilled. The next thing
he would know is he'd wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year
celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to
worry about except getting on with his life.
He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the
revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare
minimum, and that was that.
The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room
filled with excited people. They were all shouting "I can't believe it!"
and "It's a miracle" and "He's alive!". There were cameras (unlike any
he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science
fiction movie.
Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped
forward. Jack couldn't contain his enthusiasm. "It is over?" he asked.
"Is 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions and
crises all over and done with?"
The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the
programming of the timer on Jack's cryogenic receptacle, it hadn't been
year 2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later, not the
year 2000. But the spokesman told Jack that he shouldn't get excited;
someone important wanted to speak to him.
Suddenly a wall-sized projection screen displayed the image of a man
that looked very much like Bill Gates. This man was Prime Minister of
Earth. He told Jack not to be upset. That this was a wonderful time to
be alive. That there was world peace and no more starvation. That the
space program had been reinstated and there were colonies on the moon
and on Mars. That technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone
had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else
on the planet, or to watch any entertainment, or to hear any music
recorded anywhere.
"That sounds terrific," said Jack. "But I'm curious. Why is everybody
so interested in me?"
"Well," said the Prime Minister. "The year 10000 is just around the
corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL."
[Note - making the rounds for the past several months - ed.]
From - Thu Mar 26 09:37:33 1998
Subject: humor: Yet More Darwin Award Nominees
A new batch... makes you ashamed to be of the same species... :)
-----------------------------------------------------------
The Darwin award is posthumously presented each year to an individual
who did the gene pool service by removing him or herself from it.
These are the latest "nominees":
BUXTON, N.C. A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug
into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel
Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had
been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it
collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach on
the Outer Banks used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way
to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, Va., but could not reach him. It
took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him
while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a
hospital.
In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, Calif., as
he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was
burgling. Death was caused when the large flashlight he had placed in
his mouth (to keep his hands free) crammed against the base of his skull
as he hit the floor.
According to police in Dahlonega, Ga., ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20,
was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who
was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest
Berrena was wearing.
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville,
Del., as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver
loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27,
and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in
the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally
zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a
200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in
two feet of water after squeezing headfirst through an 18-inch-wide
sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
DARWIN AWARD WANNA-BE'S
In Guthrie, Okla., in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede
with a shot from his .22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a
rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing
his skull.
In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out
cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane
torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his
house.
Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, N. J., in
September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of
dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 a.m., the
bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see
what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window
was closed.
From - Fri Mar 27 13:58:43 1998
Subject: humor: Continuing astonishment...
I have a friend at NIH, who works on the databases... occasionally he
sends out an article that catches his eye...
--------------------------------------
at the variety of things found in Medline:
NLM CIT. ID: 95125656
TITLE: [Does garlic protect against vampires? An experimental study]
AUTHOR: Sandvik H; Baerheim A
AUTHOR AFFILIATION:
Seksjon for allmennmedisin, Universitetet i Bergen.
PUBLICATION TYPES:
HISTORICAL ARTICLE
JOURNAL ARTICLE
LANGUAGE: Nor
ABSTRACT:
Vampires are feared everywhere, but the Balkan region has been
especially haunted. Garlic has been regarded as an effective
prophylactic against vampires. We wanted to explore this alleged effect
experimentally. Owing to the lack of vampires, we used leeches instead.
In strictly standardized research surroundings, the leeches were to
attach themselves to either a hand smeared with garlic or to a clean
hand. The garlic-smeared hand was preferred in two out of three cases
(95% confidence interval 50.4% to 80.4%). When they preferred the garlic
the leeches used only 14.9 seconds to attach themselves, compared with
44.9 seconds when going to the non-garlic hand (p < 0.05). The
traditional belief that garlic has prophylactic properties is probably
wrong. The reverse may in fact be true. This study indicates that garlic
possibly attracts vampires. Therefore to avoid a Balkan-like development
in Norway, restrictions on the use of garlic should be considered.
MAIN MESH HEADINGS:
*Garlic
*Leeches
*Mythology
ADDITIONAL MESH SUBJECTS:
Animal
English Abstract
Europe
History of Medicine, Ancient
History of Medicine, Early Modern
History of Medicine, 20th Cent.
Human
NLM PUBMEDCIT. ID: 7825135
SOURCE: Tidsskr Nor Laegeforen. 1994 Dec 10; 114(30): 3583-3586.
Norwegian.
From - Mon Mar 30 12:34:37 1998
Subject: humor: More Bumper Snickers
More Bumper Snickers
I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is improving.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?
Meeting - an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit
there.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be
changed regularly, and for the same reason.
An optimist thinks this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears
this IS the best possible world.
There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every
year.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that
Benjamin Franklin said it first.
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Make failure your teacher, not your undertaker.
It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
If it ain't broke, fix it till it is. (Also Congress' motto)
I don't get even, I get odder.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I considered atheism, but there weren't enough holidays.
I am an escapee of a political correction facility.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator; never got around to it.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
I believe in youthanasia.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
I am having an out of money experience.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
I AM in shape. Round is a shape.
Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths.
Practice safe eating: always use condiments.
A day without sunshine is like... night.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
If it weren't for me, there'd just be a pile of my clothes on the floor.
I am not a perfectionist. My parents were, though.
Prior planning spoils all the fun.
From - Tue Mar 31 10:51:47 1998
Subject: humor: Letter from Camp
Dear Mom & Dad:
We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Scoutmaster Webb is
making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and
worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed
away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the
mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's
mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got
to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never
would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without
telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so
he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire,
the gas can will blow up?
The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some
of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It
wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left.
Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something
to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We
think it's a neat car. He doens't care if we get it dirty, and if its
hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with
10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until
the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb is a
neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching
Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads
where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging
trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming
out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim
and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take
the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the
trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even
get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on
the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We
have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake
and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I
threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning
from the leftover chicken.
I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy
bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
Love,
Cole
P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?
Thanks for looking!
Now, please go back to the archives...