March 1999...
Date: Mon, 1 Mar 1999 11:33:46 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Updated Definitions
Abdicate--v., to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Carcinoma--n., a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.
Esplanade--v., to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Flabbergasted--adj., appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Negligent--adj., describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer
the door in your nightie.
Lymph--v., to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle--n., an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Coffee--n., a person who is coughed upon.
Flatulence--n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run
over by a steamroller.
Internet--n., the web of interns in which Ken Starr has tried to snare
Bill Clinton.
Balderdash--n., a rapidly receding hairline.
Semantics--n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood,
including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book
together just before vespers.
Rectitude--n., the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist
immediately before he or she examines you.
Macadam--n., the first man on Earth, according to the Scottish bible.
Marionettes--n., residents of Washington, DC, who have been jerked around
by the mayor.
Circumvent--n., the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Oyster--n., a person who sprinkles his or her conversation with Yiddish
expressions.
Date: Tue, 2 Mar 1999 10:44:38 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Quayle Campaign 2000
Note: sent to me by a reformed Hoosier...
-----------------
Subject: Quayle Campaign 2000
The Top 15 Dan Quayle Campaign Promises
15. Statehood for Hawaii and Alaska
14. "Read my lips: Know knew taxis!"
13. Four years of unequaled prosperity for comedy writers
12. To "lead this great nation into the 20th Century."
11. New OSHA safety campaign: "Scissors Is Pointy"
10. A peaceful end to the Viet Nam war
9. Appoint Judge Reinhold to the Supreme Court
8. Spending cutbacks... except for funding of this cool rocket car idea I came
up with.
7. More bondage between parents & children.
6. Turn over Marilyn's bulletproof hair secrets to the Department of Defense.
5. Deploy US troops to end ongoing ethnic violence between Star-Bellied
Sneetches and Plain-Bellied Sneetches.
4. "By the end of my term, America will be fully prepared for the Y2K bug."
3. Support NATOE
2. Reduce the number of commercials on the Cartoon Network.
and the Number 1 Dan Quayle Campaign Promise...
1. Will serve less than two terms if that job with Ringling Brothers comes
through.
Date: Wed, 3 Mar 1999 10:52:07 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: important Y2K information!
...and, sometimes, you have to wonder how they lost the Cold War...
-------------------
"I can't stand this proliferation of paperwork. It's useless to fight
the forms. You've got to kill the people producing them."
-- Vladimir Kabaidze, General Director Ivanovo Machine Building Works,
speech to the 1964 Communist Party Conference
Date: Thu, 4 Mar 1999 10:50:58 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: It's a continuous taste across all your foods
After the recent Anti-trust hearings, Bill Gates recently compared the
software market with the soft drink market. He says Microsoft is
struggling to survive but that the beverage giant will be on top forever
because the Department of Justice doesn't pick on them. Of course, Bill
should be careful not to give Coke any ideas. We might end up with a
scenario like the following:
Joe: (walking into McDonalds) Hi, I'd like a Big Mac.
Cashier: Okay, here's your Big Mac and here's your Coke.
That'll be $3.99.
Joe: Uh, I don't want a Coke.
Cashier: Sorry, they're bundled.
Joe: What? I'm not paying for a Coke!
Cashier: You don't; the Coke is free.
Joe: But wasn't a Big Mac $2.49 last week?
Cashier: Sure, but this latest Big Mac is far more innovative.
It's got integrated Coke!
Joe: I already bought a Snapple across the street.
I'm not going to drink the Coke.
Cashier: Then you can't have the burger.
Joe: Okay, fine, I will pay the $3.99 and throw the Coke away.
Cashier: Oh, you can't do that. They're seamlessly integrated.
Totally inseparable.
Joe: How can that be? They're two totally separate things!
Cashier: No, watch. (takes Big Mac, dunks it in a tank of Coke)
See?
Joe: Why did you just do that?!
Cashier: It's a benefit to the consumer. Otherwise you'd end up
with two different, inconsistent tastes.
This way you're assured of a continuous taste
across all your foods.
Joe: Aaarrgh!
Date: Fri, 5 Mar 1999 10:07:04 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: NG Personality
Ah, the wonderful world of Usenet... one of the reasons I am no longer
there...
-----------------
to the tune of: "Model of a Modern Major General", with apologies to
Gilbert and Sullivan...
Model of a Newsgroup Personality
I am the very model of a Newsgroup personality.
I intersperse obscenity with tedious banality.
Addresses I have plenty of, both genuine and ghosted too,
On all the countless newsgroups that my drivel is cross-posted to.
Your bandwidth I will fritter with my whining and my sniveling,
And you're the one who pays the bill, downloading all my driveling.
My enemies are numerous, and no-one would be blaming you
For cracking my head open after I've been rudely flaming you.
I hate to lose an argument (by now I should be used to it).
I wouldn't know a valid point if I was introduced to it.
My learning is extensive but consists of mindless trivia,
Designed to fan my ego, which is larger than Bolivia.
The comments that I vomit forth, disguised as jest and drollery,
Are really just an exercise in unremitting trollery.
I say I'm frank and forthright, but that's merely lies and vanity,
The gibberings of one who's at the limits of his sanity.
If only I could get a life, as many people tell me to;
If only Mom could find a circus freak-show she could sell me to;
If I go off to Zanzibar to paint the local scenery;
If I lose all my fingers in a mishap with machinery;
If I survive to twenty, which is somewhat problematical;
If what I post was more mature, or slightly more grammatical;
If I could learn to spell a bit, and maybe even punctuate;
Would I still be the loathsome and objectionable punk you hate?
But while I have this tiresome urge to prance around and show my face,
It simply isn't safe for normal people here in cyberspace.
To stick me in Old Sparky and turn on the electricity
Would be a fitting punishment for my egocentricity.
I always have the last word; so, with uttermost finality,
That's all from me, the model of a Newsgroup personality.
Date: Mon, 8 Mar 1999 10:26:35 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Cartoon Land
Mother Jones
February 16
MoJo Outs Cartoon Land
Merrie Melodies or just gay 'toons?
by Leora Broydo
Thank God the Rev. Jerry Falwell has stepped in to clean up children's
television. Last week he outed Tinky Winky, from that perverted show the
Teletubbies," because, Falwell pronounced, the character is clearly a fount
of gayness: He's purple, the gay color; he has an antenna shaped like a
triangle, the gay symbol; and he carries a purse, something all gay people
do.
But Falwell's work is far from over. You see, kiddy TV is downright rife
with gayety. Heck, Toon Town is like one big circuit party and has been for
years.
Fred Flintstone
Evidence: His nickname on the Bedrock bowling team: "Twinkle-toes
Flintstone." The show's theme song ends "...we'll have a gay old time!"
Wears an orange dress with little triangles on it. Hangs out with Barney far
more than Wilma.
Bugs Bunny
Evidence: Often stands with hand on hip. Plays a hairdresser in one episode.
Frequently dresses in drag. Loves to throw on a top hat and tails and belt
out Broadway show-tunes with his buddy Daffy -- who, it's worth noting, has
a lisp.
Velma (of Scooby Doo)
Evidence: Always tries to sit next to Daphne in the Mystery Machine. Sports
that butch haircut. Has broad shoulders and wears thick turtleneck-sweaters
and knee socks. Never once shagged Shaggy.
Popeye
Evidence: Eats lots of salad. Wears a sailor suit, even though he hasn't
been on a ship in years. Does little sailor-dances. Dates a flat-chested
transvestite named Olive Oyl. Best friend named Wimpy.
Batman and Robin
Evidence: Robin's nickname: Boy Wonder. Batman's real name: Bruce. Both wear
tights. They're in great shape. They like to show each other their grappling
hooks.
Peppermint Patty
Evidence: Has a deep, gravelly voice. Wears pants, not dresses like the
other Peanuts gals. Plays a mean game of football. Likes to taunt Charlie
Brown. Always hanging out with that androgynous Marcie. Wears comfortable
shoes. Nickname: Sir.
The Pink Panther
Nuff said
Date: Tue, 9 Mar 1999 16:29:38 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Looks Can Be Deceiving
An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and
chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his
whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink
she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch,
herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, I guess I am."
After a short while he asked her what she was. She replied, "I've never
been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole
day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of
women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of
women."
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A
couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that
I'm a lesbian."
Date: Wed, 10 Mar 1999 10:15:24 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Trojan horse warning.
FROM: laocoon@doomgloom.edu
TO: Trojan Army Listserv < Trojans-L@troy.org
RE: WARNING!! BEWARE GREEKS BEARING GIFTS!
Hey Hector,
This was forwarded to me by Cassandra--it looks legit. Please distribute
to Priam, Hecuba, and your 99 siblings.
Thanks,
Laocoon
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO NOT
DOWNLOAD IT!!!! It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will overwrite your
ENTIRE CITY!
The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories tall.
It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be abandoned.
DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is
incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily armed
Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town, and kill
your women and children. If you have already received such a gift, DO
NOT OPEN IT! Take it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it by
the beach.
FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!
Poseidon
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
FROM: hector@studmuffin.com
TO: laocoon@doomgloom.edu
RE: Greeks bearing gifts
Laocoon,
I hate to break to you, but this is one of the oldest hoaxes there is.
I've seen variants on this warning come through on other listservs, one
involving some kind of fruit that was supposed to kill the people who
ate it and one having to do with something called the "Midas Touch."
Here are a few tipoffs that this is a hoax:
1) This "Forward this message to everyone you know" crap. If it were
really meant as a warning about the Greek army, why tell anyone to post
it to the Phonecians, Sumerians, and Cretans?
2) Use of exclamation points. Always a giveaway.
3) It's signed "from Poseidon." Granted he's had his problems with Odysseus
but he's one of their guys, isn't he? Besides, the lack of a real header
with a detailed address makes me suspicious.
4) Technically speaking, there is no way for a horse to overwrite your
entire city. A horse is just an animal, after all.
Next time you get a message like this, just delete it. I appreciate your
concern, but once you've been around the block a couple times you'll
realize how annoying this kind of stuff is.
Bye now,
Hector
Date: Thu, 11 Mar 1999 14:41:50 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Tip for parents
This man was going door to door taking a public survey. He knocked on
the door, and a man answered.
The first man asked the second man, "I'm taking a real quick survey.
Would you mind answering a couple questions?"
The second guy said it was OK, so the first guy asked him, "Does your
family use Vaseline? And if so what for?"
The second guy replied, "Yes, we do. We use it in two major areas in our
household. The first area we use it for is chapped lips, cuts, and stuff
like that. The second area we use it for is sex."
The first guy then asked, "How do you use Vaseline in sex?"
The second guy replied, "We put it on the doorknobs. That way the kids
can't come in."
Date: Fri, 12 Mar 1999 10:53:30 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Uphill, both ways. Oh really?
Dear Mr. Cameron:
As a courtesy, we are sending you a copy of this letter we recently
wrote your 15 year old daughter in response to a query we received from
her.
Dear Ms. Cameron.
Thank you for your letter. Yes, we are pleased to report, your father's
old high school is still standing and our library was able to find
yearbooks dating "all the way back" to his graduation. In fact, a few
teachers even remember your father, which I will get to in a moment.
In answer to your first question: In every picture extant of your
father he is well shod, wearing what I believe were called "earth shoes"
back then. Also, the weather here is moderate, with snow generally
lasting from December until March--hardly the entire school year. Thus
his descriptions of the conditions under which he "struggled" to school in
the morning do, as you suggested, seem a bit exaggerated. In fact, our bus
logs are (remarkably) still intact, revealing that not only was your
father a registered passenger, but that his parents paid the extra ten
dollars a month for door-to-door delivery.
I am sure there were days when your father was very "sharply dressed,"
as you state he puts it, but in every single photograph I was able to
uncover he is wearing exactly the same thing: bell bottom blue jeans with
white strings trailing from the edges onto the floor, horizontal rents in
the knees, and no belt buckle. His T-shirt displays a message easily
communicated with hand gestures. His hair hangs past his shoulders and
looks as if it was exposed to a lot of wind - perhaps he rode the school
bus with the window open.
As to academics and "concentrating on the basics," one must remember the
times: the "basics" back then may very well have embraced some of your
father's elective subjects, which included "Personal Citizenship",
"Ecology", and one which apparently was called "Relevance". We have no
record of what, if anything, was taught in these classes. What records we
do have show that your father did indeed take Geometry, just as he claims.
In fact, he took it his sophomore year, repeated it his junior year and
repeated the course again his senior year - Geometry was required for
graduation.
Now as to Mr. Muggins, who had your father in a class called "Problems
of Modern Relationships." Mr. Muggins does not wish to dispute the claim
that your father always had his homework done early, he merely wants to
point out that no matter when it was done, it was always handed in late.
In fact, your father sticks out in Mr. Muggins's mind as having the most
outrageous excuses for being unprepared, including having to evacuate his
home because it was infected with the China Syndrome.
Your father was not, sad to say, President of the Student Council.
Perhaps he is confusing student government with a social group called "The
Slackers," which Mr. Muggins recalls was a group of boys who sat in the
hallway and made loud groaning noises whenever an attractive girl strode
past. Your father was assistant vice president of the club, and, to our
knowledge, is the only past member not currently serving time in a federal
penitentiary.
One thing IS completely verifiable: your father's name is, indeed,
carved above the door to the school. Please advise that, now that we have
noticed it, we will need to have it sanded out and refinished, at a cost
of approximately three hundred dollars. We would appreciate it if your
father would agree to pay for the damage without having to engage lawyers.
The honor roll to which he apparently referred is not above the door, it
hangs outside my office. I will leave unanswered the question as to
whether his name is upon it.
Thank you very much for your letter, which we found most amusing. Be
sure to tell your father hello from Mr. Muggins.
Date: Mon, 15 Mar 1999 11:08:00 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: wait for it...
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a
blood thirsty group of cannibals. Upon surveying the situation, he says
quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm doomed."
There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out: "No my
son, you are NOT doomed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the
head of the chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picks up the stone and attacks the chief, feverishly
bashing at his head with all his strength. He stands above the lifeless
body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 cannibals with a look of
shock on their faces.
The voice booms out again: "Okay . . . . NOW you're doomed."
Date: Tue, 16 Mar 1999 10:45:49 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: I don't wanna know...
...where the submittor got this.
-------------------
Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe
in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of
the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,"
says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings
on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the
Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the
water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and
shouts, "Get the fuck off the car you little shit!"
Date: Wed, 17 Mar 1999 11:28:35 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Spell Checker
This Has Been Spell Checked
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
Date: Thu, 18 Mar 1999 11:24:36 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: What the Dalmation is for...
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids
home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of
the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.
The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she
said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
Date: Mon, 22 Mar 1999 08:08:03 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Interesting hostnames
For you non-geeks out there, a "hostname" is what you name your machine.
----------------
[Culled to working names on 1999-02-23 - mayoff]
[Selected from the names of 50,000 MIT hosts]
A Classic
-----------
rtfm.mit.edu
Cereals - normal, at first.
-------
life.ai.mit.edu
trix.ai.mit.edu
alpha-bits.ai.mit.edu
beet-chex.ai.mit.edu
masticated-neo-bohemian-cthuloid.mit.edu
chewy-chomp.mit.edu
General Abuse
-------------
my-hostname-is-longer-than-yours.mit.edu
no-sir-i-did-not-see-you-playing-with-your-dolls-again.ai.mit.edu
long-hostname-carefully-selected-to-expose-fixed-length-buffers.mit.edu
People and Attitudes
--------------------
blithering-intellectual.mit.edu
chick-magnet.mit.edu
convivial-niceguy.mit.edu
dimple-boy.mit.edu
fearless-leader.mit.edu
boyish-good-looks.mit.edu
disarming-smile.mit.edu
that-blonde-chick.mit.edu
uma-thurman.mit.edu
Drugs
-----
big-fat-bag-of-crack.mit.edu
crack-baby.mit.edu
crack-whore.mit.edu
ten-cent-crack-whore.mit.edu
Sex
---
den-of-iniquity.mit.edu
big-pimpin.mit.edu
big-screw.mit.edu
dog-lover.mit.edu (of course, this may not really be sex-related...)
puppy-lover.mit.edu (same)
fried-foreskin.mit.edu
fuck-the-skull-of-jesus.mit.edu
margaret-thatcher-naked-on-a-cold-day.mit.edu
moaning-lisa.mit.edu
pearl-necklace.mit.edu (also somewhat subjective)
porn-star.mit.edu
spankasaurus-rex.mit.edu
squirting-sphincter.mit.edu
turgid-pole.mit.edu
x-rated.mit.edu
Commentary
----------
emacs-makes-a-computer-slow.mit.edu (notably not in gnu.ai.mit.edu domain)
existence-is-meaningless.mit.edu
failure-is-unacceptable.mit.edu
glad-i-am-not-a-dec.mit.edu
i-am-not-the-moose.mit.edu
i-cant-think-of-a-new-hostname.mit.edu
i-could-not-think-of-a-hostname.mit.edu
i-dont-know.mit.edu
i-goddess.mit.edu
i-m-so-tired.mit.edu
i-see-everything-twice.mit.edu
i-will-fear-no-evil.mit.edu
ignorance-is-strength.mit.edu
incite-sedition.mit.edu
its-a-feature.mit.edu
lost-cause.mit.edu
macs-suck.mit.edu
my-hovercraft-is-full-of-eels.mit.edu
my-dog-ate-it.mit.edu
not-a-guppy.mit.edu
not-a-mac.mit.edu
not-a-minihub.mit.edu
not-a-pretty-computer.mit.edu
not-a-printer.mit.edu
not-a-supported-platform.mit.edu
not-a-typewriter.mit.edu
not-an-sgi.mit.edu
not-what-you-think.mit.edu
pepsi-sux.mit.edu
piece-of-shit.mit.edu
point-and-drool.mit.edu
screw-loose.mit.edu
shit-happens.mit.edu
the-world-is-mine.mit.edu
thing-that-should-not-be.mit.edu
think-different.mit.edu
this-is-a-test.mit.edu
this-machine-has-no-neck.mit.edu
turning-coffee-into-theorems.mit.edu
yes-dear.mit.edu
yes-i-am.mit.edu
Odd Other Things ----------------
shit-box.mit.edu
sticky-scrot.mit.edu
seal-clubbing.mit.edu
really-bad-pun.mit.edu
right-bundle-branch.mit.edu
purry-fuzzball.mit.edu
nibbled-to-death-by-ducks.mit.edu
oh-no-not-again.mit.edu
bilge-pump.mit.edu
because-i-was-inverted.mit.edu
church-of-briantology.mit.edu
full-contact-origami.mit.edu
small-dogs.mit.edu
small-gods.mit.edu
something-intelligent.mit.edu
the-brown-ring-of-quality.mit.edu
Technical
---------
bovine-spongiform-encephalopathy.mit.edu
tep-soda-machine.mit.edu
turing-machine.mit.edu
Date: Tue, 23 Mar 1999 10:51:22 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Scottish History
In the beginning when god was creating the world, he was sitting on a
cloud, telling his pal the Arch angel Gabriel what he planned for
Scotland.
"Gabby" says he "I'm going to give this place high majestic mountains,
purple glens, soaring eagles, streams laden with salmon, golden fields of
barley from which a whisky coloured nectar can be made, green, lush,
spectacular golf courses, coal in the ground, oil under the sea, ...gas".
"Hold up! Hold up"! Interjected the bold Gabriel "Are you not being too
generous to these Scots?"
Back come the almightys' reply, "Not really, wait until you see the
fucking neighbours I'm giving them!!!".
Date: Wed, 24 Mar 1999 11:09:39 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: blondes...
A cop sees a beautiful blonde driving down the street-but she's swerving
all over the place. He finally gets up next to her and sees that she's
also knitting. He yells "Pullover!" She yells back "No! Scarf!"
Date: Thu, 25 Mar 1999 11:18:41 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: calendar difficulties
A Hebrew teacher stood in front of his classroom and said, "The Jewish
people have observed their 5,759th year as a people. Consider that the
Chinese, for example, have only observed their 4,692nd year as a people.
What does that mean to you?"
After a moment of silence, one student raised his hand. "Yes, David,"
the teacher said. "What does that mean?" "It means that the Jews had to do
without Chinese food for 1,063 years."
Date: Fri, 26 Mar 1999 11:09:11 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: collection of shorts
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the
aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating
between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would
put his hands up like claws and roar...so it went, step, step, ROAR, step,
step, ROAR all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was
near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The
little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the
laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When
asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring
Bear..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On
returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were 2 boy
kittens and 2 girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mom asked. "Daddy
picked them up and looked underneath," he replied, "I think it's printed
on the bottom."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Another three year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed
the left was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the
wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid
me, Mom, I know they're my feet."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began
putting away the groceries. The boy opened a box of animal crackers and
spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked.
"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy
explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Can people predict the future with cards?" said one little boy to
another. "My mother can," said the other boy. "Really?" "Yes, she takes
one look at my report card and can tell me exactly what will happen when
my Dad gets home."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man
named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his
wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to
the flea?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A four-year-old girl was learning to say the Lord's Prayer. She was
reciting it all by herself without help from her mother. She said "And
lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail. AMEN"
Date: Mon, 29 Mar 1999 09:40:12 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: bad metric puns
From http://web.cs.city.ac.uk/pgg/article/Metric+Prefixes
Project Galactice Guide: Metric Prefixes
A millihelen is the amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
A microhelen is the amount of beauty required to motivate one sailor.
A megahelen is the amount of beauty required to make the sailor think in
any other terms than a one-night stand.
But this is all rather bogus, since we are applying metric prefixes to
Troy units.
10^12 dactyls = 1 teradactyl
15 philes = 1 petaphile
18 stentials = 1 exastential
21 piccolos = 1 gigolo
18 minations = 1 examination
15 coats = 1 petacoat
10 bulls = 1 terabull
10 microphones = 1 megaphone
10 pins = 1 terrapin
billions and billions = 1 Sagan
10 lows = 1 gigalow
10 antics = 1 gigantic
10 questions = 1 gigawhat
10 micrometers = 1 kilometer
Date: Tue, 30 Mar 1999 08:42:27 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Bran Muffins
An 85 year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a
car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to
her interest in health food and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion
which was decked out with beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and
Jacuzzi.
As they oohed and aahed, the old man asked Peter how much all this was
going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied. "This is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course in the
backyard. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the
course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth.
The old man asked, "what are the greens fees?"
Peter's reply, "This is Heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the
cuisines of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet?" This is heaven, it's FREE!" Peter replied
with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man
asked timidly.
Peter lectured, "That's the best part... you can eat as much as you like
of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is
heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat
and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.
St.Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was
wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault.
If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten
years ago!"
Date: Wed, 31 Mar 1999 10:10:17 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Redneck
Same Old Lunch
An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and
the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and
cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I
get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a
bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and
cabbage and jumps to his death.
The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too.
The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death
also.
At the funeral The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known
how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have
given it to him again!
The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or
enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at
me" she said. "He made his own lunch..."
Thanks for looking!
Now, please go back to the archives...