May 00...
Date: Mon, 1 May 2000 10:32:27 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Employee manual - new edition
NEW EMPLOYEE MANUAL
- written by Liam McEneaney
_____________________________
Welcome aboard! You are one of our most valued new employees. Enclosed
please find some helpful guidelines to company policy.
OVERTIME - The Company has an optional overtime policy - you have the
option of working forty hours of overtime or eighty hours of overtime.
PROMOTION - The Company rewards hard work and devotion. We like to think
that if you work hard and devote enough time and energy to the company,
you will be rewarded by being allowed to train the CEO's son when he is
promoted to Vice President over you.
STOCK OPTIONS - You may buy shares in the company when it goes public. So
named because you'll be working in the stock room at Wal-Mart when the
company goes belly-up due to your incompetence.
401k - This is how much money you'll lose under your "Stock Option" plan.
HELLTH PLAN - No, that isn't a misprint; you now belong to an H.M.O. That
stands for "Hell's Medical Organization." It was organized by some of
Hell's finest minds; Hitler, Genghis Khan, and Josef Stalin worked night
and day to create a 162-page manual documenting the exact terms of your
coverage, but it all boils down to three points:
1) You belong to the HMO. We mean that literally - as of now, the HMO
owns you. To insure that you don't forget your subscriber number, we will
tattoo it to your forehead.
2) You have been assigned a primary care physician. You will not be told
your physician's name. You may never see your physician. Your physician
is imaginary. If you see any doctor without express written permission of
your imaginary primary care physician, you will be forced to pay full
price, plus eat your weight in lard.
3) You are not covered under this plan.
TERMINATION - All employees will be given two weeks notice upon being
fired. We like to feel that this gives an employee a "grace period" to
steal all of the office supplies that he or she may have forgotten to take
during his or her period of employment.
COMPLAINTS - May be made anonymously in the box marked "Complaints" in the
employee break room. All complaints will be reviewed, processed, and fed
to an angry Rottweiler named Frankie.
Date: Tue, 2 May 2000 13:30:11 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: a couple of thoughts
interesting...
-----
This was written by an 83 year old women to her friend.
* *
I'm reading more and dusting less. I'm sitting in the yard and admiring
the view without fussing about the weeds in the garden. I'm spending
more time with my family and friends and less time working. Whenever
possible, life should be a pattern of experiences to savor, not to
endure. I'm trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them.
* *
I'm not "saving" anything; we use our good china and crystal for every
special event such as losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped, or the
first Amaryllis blossom. I wear my good blazer to the market. My theory
is if I look prosperous, I can shell out $28.49 for one small bag of
groceries. I'm not saving my good perfume for special parties, but
wearing it for clerks in the hardware store and tellers at the bank.
"Someday" and "one of these days" are losing their grip on my
vocabulary. If it's worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see
and hear and do it now.
* *
I'm not sure what others would've done had they known that they wouldn't
be here for the tomorrow that we all take for granted. I think they
would have called family members and a few close friends. They might
have called a few former friends to apologize and mend fences for past
squabbles. I like to think they would have gone out for a Chinese
dinner, or for whatever their favorite food was. I'm guessing; I'll
never know.
* *
It's those little things left undone that would make me angry if I knew
my hours were limited. Angry because I hadn't written certain letters
that I intended to write one of these days. Angry and sorry that I
didn't tell my husband and parents often enough how much I truly love
them. I'm trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything
that would add laughter and luster to our lives. And every morning when
I open my eyes, tell myself that it is special. Every day, every minute,
every breath truly is a gift from God.
* *
I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
Date: Wed, 3 May 2000 14:26:06 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: job searching
(quoted)
Everyone sends out stuff that they write. This is mine :)~ This really
did start out as a rant session but apparently it's gotten a few chuckles.
SO, here goes. I hope you at least get a giggle out of it. If not I'm
sorry I wasted your time. Btw, the term "Fucking Greek" as stated below
refers to the job skills that I find listed everyday in the job
classifieds that I have never heard of that unfortunately seem to be
present in about 60% of the ads that I find (I probably shouldn't have
admitted that, heh :)~
HAVE SUITS WILL WORK
Are you looking for a professional individual with amasters degree and
1,000 years experience in the field of FUCKING GREEK? Then please email
with 4 brand new suits that were bought in an optimistic attempt to land a
job, a strong work ethic and an endless sense of humor then I'm the one
for you! I offer experience in dealing with idiots in an assertive
fashion on a daily basis as well as wandering aimlessly throughout my
apartment in my underwear smoking cigarettes and waiting for the phone to
ring. I am also able to bring you up to date on all of your favorite
soaps as well as informing you of late night programming. I can nervously
eat 3,000 sunflower seeds a minute and play on the internet. As ar as
typing experience I can slip 6 sentence sarcastic comments to other
jobless blokes and blokettes in chat rooms at 3am before they even know
what hit them. My previous jobs have included such duties as serving
cheesy fries to jerks with more money than myself, managing employees with
IQs of close to but not over 70, answering phones and figuring invoices
for a dying company run by a chauvinistic, bagel hoarding bastard as well
as a psychotic, alchoholic veterinarian, and selling the latest over
priced trend in furniture and accessories to this decades decendants of
the Cogswells. My education consists of a GEDuh. That's it. Deal with
it. I am seeking a salary that will enable me to crawl out of debt and
that won't embarass me should one of my friends happen to find my pay stub
on the floorboard of my car. I wish to work Monday-Friday 40 hours and am
seeking full benifits inclusive but not limited to health insurance so as
not to rot in the local charity hospital sucking Parade brand gelatin
through an IV in the event of a car accident, a dental plan as I question
the condition of one of my 15 year old fillings, and a vision plan because
I'm friggin' BLIND and need glasses so I don't get into a car accident on
the way to or from my wonderful new job, or the mall resulting in above
stated condition. Yearly I would prefer a weeks paid vacation so that I
may enjoy gallons of wine in an exotic location while still earning your
money and 5 paid sick days to compensate for tending to my smokers cough
in the comfortable surroundings of my home. If I qualify for the position
you are looking to fill and are offering the above stated benifits, then
contact me whenever. I'll be here. Waiting. Unless it's 4pm as I'm
watching Gidget and prefer not to be interrupted.
Date: Thu, 4 May 2000 10:49:19 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Romantic utterings from Alan Greenspan...
For any of you folks who may follow the often dry, lengthy, and complex
utterances of Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan - here is a great
spoof on how he went about asking his wife (News Correspondent Andrea
Mitchell) to marry him. Here is the link for the full web page from The
Motley Fool. http://www.fool.com/folly/2000/greenspan000501.htm
For those of you who don't know who Alan Greenspan is - or don't care about
his esoteric manner of speaking -- you might as well go ahead and delete
this now...
>From the Desk of... Alan Greenspan
Andrea,
As emphasized in the important dalliances you and I have enjoyed for the
past several quarters, an impressive proliferation of new affections is
inducing major shifts in the underlying structure of our relationship.
These fundamental changes appear to be far from complete. The intimacy of
our communication -- including the interaction among the members of our
respective families, our social circles, and the various institutional
players in our economy -- is in the midst of a significant transformation,
though the pace of change is unclear. As a consequence, many of the
empirical regularities depicting the complex of interpersonal
relationships on which I rely have been markedly altered.
The 1990s have witnessed one of the great emergences of transpersonal
infatuation in my history. Whether that means a transitory and
unsustainable "puppy love" has developed is difficult to assess. A large
number of analysts have judged the level of my affections to be excessive,
even taking into account the rise in "fair value" resulting from the
acceleration of productivity and the associated long-term corporate
earnings outlook. And yet, apart from all the attention it has received,
my passion, in situ, defies analysis.
Despite the recent turmoil in our respective domestic situations, the
long-term outlook for the continued growth of our affections remains
strong. But even in the face of such hopeful expectations, one is
justified in wondering how long such irrational exuberance can be expected
to continue. Importantly, the evidence has become increasingly persuasive
that relatively stable extremes of passion -- neither persistently rising
nor falling -- are more predictable and hence result in a lower risk
premium for involvement. Because a couple's level of commitment, to a
large extent, determines their prosperity over time, stability in the
general level of ardor is clearly a necessary condition for maximum
sustainable growth. However, stability of devotion does not guarantee
either the maintenance of matrimonial stability or maximum sustainable
growth.
Despite these concerns, and in the final analysis, the more preponderous
weight of evidence considered in these deliberations falls on the side of
a matrimonial rapprochement. I am prepared to act on these conclusions
where warranted, with your consent, in a way that is consistent with my
role as chairman of the Federal Reserve.
Best Regards,
Alan Greenspan
Chairman, U.S. Federal Reserve
cc: Robert Rubin, Treasury Secretary
Date: Fri, 5 May 2000 10:17:25 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: QOTD
"Know why women hate the remote control? Because now men have
something small, plastic, and battery-powered that makes them happy."
Rebecca Ruch
Date: Mon, 8 May 2000 10:47:27 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: loyalty...
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when
he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You
have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were
there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got
shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with
warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
Date: Tue, 9 May 2000 10:42:36 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: good girls vs bad girls
Differences between good girls and bad girls:
*Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot.
*Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
*Good girls wax their floors.
*Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
*Good girls blush during sex scenes in a movie.
*Bad girls know they could do it better.
*Good girls wear white cotton panties.
*Bad girls don't wear any.
*Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls.
*Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.
*Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it.
*Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.
*Good girls pack their toothbrush.
*Bad girls pack their diaphragms.
*Good girls wear high heels to work.
*Bad girls wear high heels to bed.
*Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have sex.
*Bad girls think no place is the wrong place.
*Good girls prefer the missionary position.
*Bad girls do too, but only for starters.
*Good girls say 'no'.
*Bad girls say 'when?'
Date: Wed, 10 May 2000 10:23:24 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Sun CEO McNealy A Stand-Up Comic?
God forbid David Letterman should have another heart attack. But if he
does, maybe Sun Microsystems CEO Scott McNealy could stand in for him.
Speaking earlier this week to a group of investors at the Merrill Lynch
computer technology conference in New York, McNealy killed with his
Lettermanesque "Top 10 Signs a Company's Market Cap Is Inflated." Here it
is, courtesy of Reuters:
10. They have an 'E' or an 'I' or a 'dot com' as part of their name.
9. Employees' pagers can only receive stock prices.
8. The initial vesting period closed yesterday, and today the office is
empty.
7. There are more dogs and cats in their offices than employees.
6. Employees are heard saying, "Profits are so yesterday."
5. The accounts-receivable sign hangs over a toilet.
4. The value of cars in the parking lot exceeds the company's revenue by a
factor of four.
3. The investor-relations department reports to marketing.
2. Zero revenues but enough cash to purchase Iceland.
1. Employees ask, "Hey, dude, what does the P in P&L stand for?"
Date: Thu, 11 May 2000 12:02:52 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Bad Day - UL
And you thought you were having a BAD day????
A California Highway Patrol officer pulled a car over south of San Diego
and told the driver "Congratulations", that because he and his passenger
had been wearing their seatbelts, he had just won $5,000 dollars in the
California statewide safety competition.
"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the Highway Patrol
Officer.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He's a
smart aleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back-seat, who took one look at the cop and
moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in
Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"
Date: Mon, 15 May 2000 12:14:00 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: sheer nighty
A man goes to Frederick's of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife the
most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and
gets an outfit.
"This is $200," she says.
"I want one that's more sheer," says he.
"This one is $350."
"I want it even more sheer than that."
"This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500."
"I'll take it!"
The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her. Saying "Go put this
on and come down to model it for me" His wife goes upstairs opens the box
and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even
notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he
won't know the difference."
So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the
top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she says.
"Damn, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the damn thing."
Date: Tue, 16 May 2000 10:52:43 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Do Unnatural Acts Cause Natural Disasters?
humorous thinking... no offense intended to anyone...
-----
Do Unnatural Acts Cause Natural Disasters?
Pat Robertson, founder of the Christian Coalition, recently warned
Orlando, Florida, that it was courting natural disaster by allowing gay
pride flags to be flown along its streets. "A condition like this will
bring about ... earthquakes, tornadoes, and possibly a meteor," he said,
apparently referring to his belief that the presence of openly gay people
incurs divine wrath and that God acts through geological and
meteorological events to destroy municipalities that permit gay people the
same civil liberties as others. (Robertson also warned Orlando about
terrorist bombs, suggesting the possibility that God may also employ
terrorists.)
Before Pat and his Christian cronies get too carried away promulgating
the idea that natural disasters are prompted by people who displease God,
they should take a hard look at the data. Take tornadoes. Every state
(except Alaska) has them--some only one or two a year, dozens in others.
Gay people are in every state (even Alaska). According to Pat's
hypothesis, there should be more gay people in states that have more
tornadoes. But are there? Nope. In fact, there's no correlation at all
between the number of gay folks (as estimated by the number of gay
political organizations, support groups, bookstores, radio programs, and
circuit parties) and the annual tornado count (r = .04, p = .78 for you
statisticians). So much for the "God hates gays" theory.
God seems almost neutral on the subject of sexual orientation. I say
"almost" because if we look at the density of gay groups relative to the
population as a whole, there is a small but statistically significant
(p<.05) correlation with the occurrence of tornadoes. And it's a negative
correlation (r = -.28). For those of you who haven't used statistics since
1973, that means that a high concentration of gay organizations actually
protects against tornadoes. A state with the population of, say, Alabama
could avert two tornadoes a year merely by doubling the number of gay
organizations in the state. (Tough choice for Alabama's civil defense
strategists.)
Although God may not care about sexual orientation, the same cannot be
said for religious affiliation. If the underlying tenet of Pat's postulate
is true--that God wipes out offensive folks via natural disasters--then
perhaps we can find some evidence of who's on God's hit list. Jews are off
the hook here: there's no correlation between numbers of Jews and
frequency of tornadoes. Ditto for Catholics. But when it comes to
Protestants, there's a highly significant correlation of .71.
This means that fully half the state-to-state variation in tornado
frequency can be accounted for by the presence of Protestants. And the
chance that this association is merely coincidental is only one in 10,000.
Protestants, of course, come in many flavors; we were able to find
statistics for Lutherans, Methodists, Baptists, and Other. Lutherans don't
seem to be a problem--no correlation with tornadoes. There's a modest
correlation (r = .52, p = .0001) between Methodists and tornadoes.
But Baptists and Others share the prize: both groups show a definite
correlation with tornado frequency (r = .68, p = .0001). This means that
Texas could cut its average of 139 tornadoes per year in half by sending a
few hundred thousand Baptists elsewhere (Alaska maybe?).
What, you are probably asking yourself, about gay Protestants? An
examination of the numbers of gay religious groups (mostly Protestant)
reveals no significant relationship with tornadoes. Perhaps even
Protestants are less repugnant to God if they're gay. And that brings up
another point--the futility of trying to save the world by getting gay
people to accept Jesus. It looks from our numbers like the frequency of
natural disasters could be more effectively reduced by encouraging
Protestants to be gay.
Gay people have been falsely blamed for disasters ever since Sodom was
destroyed by fire and brimstone (we have been unable to find any
statistics on disasters involving brimstone). According to a reliable
source, the destruction of Sodom was indeed an act of God (see Genesis
19:13) and was perpetrated because the citizens thereof were, according to
the same source (see Ezekiel 16:49-50), "arrogant, overfed and unconcerned
[and] did not help the poor and needy"--not because they were gay. Now Pat
would have us believe that gays are the cause of tornadoes (as well as
earthquakes, meteors, and even terrorist bombs) in utter disregard for
evidence showing that Baptists are much more likely to cause them.
I say "Kudos!" to Orlando. Despite Robertson's warning that Orlando is
"right in the way of some serious hurricanes" (hardly a revelation), note
that it was not struck by the very destructive Hurricane Andrew a few
years ago. And amid the recent conflagrations (that's fires) in central
Florida, which occurred just after Pat sounded his alarm, Orlando was
spared. Keep those flags waving!
As any statistician will tell you, of course, correlation doesn't prove
causation. Protestants causing tornadoes by angering God isn't the only
explanation for these data. It could be that Baptists and Other
Protestants purposely flock to states that have lots of tornadoes (no, we
haven't checked for a correlation between IQ and religious affiliation).
But if Pat and his Christian crew insist that natural disasters are
brought on by people who offend God, let the data show who those people
are.
------
Janis Walworth July 16, 1998
Sources: Tornado Occurrence by State, 1962-1991; 1990 Churches and
Church Membership; Population by State, 1990 US Census; Gay & Lesbian
Political Organizations, Support Groups, and Religious Groups from
Gayellow Pages, National Edition, 1987.
Permission is given to all to reprint this article in its entirety on a
not-for-profit basis.
Date: Wed, 17 May 2000 11:00:49 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Article from the globeandmail.com Web Centre
- Forwarded to me from a friend in Canada. (from a Canadian paper)
The Globe and Mail, Wednesday, May 17, 2000
E-beast on the rampage
A certain corporate behemoth can't help throwing its weight around, and
the nerds are getting trampled, says Spider Robinson
By Spider Robinson
Robert A. Heinlein said the way to assess the intelligence of a
committee is to divide the IQ of its stupidest member by the number of
members. There's a rather large software concern whose recent corporate
behaviour has been so transcendently stupid as to suggest that an IQ no
higher than that of its own rather notorious operating system has been
divided by the number of installed copies worldwide, then given a negative
exponent equal to its founders' personal wealth expressed in Canadian
pennies. If a corporation is an imaginary person, this one makes Homer
Simpson look like Freeman Dyson.
Unfortunately I can't name it. Doh!
I dare not. Its lawyers -- as if they don't have enough to do -- just
began attempts to censor people who are saying critical things about it in
what amounts to a techies' coffeehouse in cyberspace. Imagine what they
might do to someone who dissed it in a national journal of record.
But to get the full beauty of this, you need a bit of
historical/technical context. This corporation -- let's arbitrarily honour
comic Phil Silvers and call it BillCo, shall we? -- BillCo has had a spot
of legal trouble lately, in one of the larger adjacent nations. Less said
the better, of course, but in essence a large-ish number of folks there
feel Billco is (a) too big, (b) less than competent, and (c) a bit of a
bully.
There's even been loose talk lately, at the higher levels of that
nation's justice system, about crippling or dismantling BillCo by
government fiat. In the business world, this sort of thing is considered
undesirable. It wakes up the stockholders.
It was at this cusp in BillCo's corporate history that an unfortunate
occurrence unfortunately occurred. One of the most popular of its many
products contains an innovative feature -- ironically, one of the few
genuinely original features ever offered by BillCo -- called
"scripting," which unfortunately is really not a feature but a bug. A
gaping security flaw, in fact, begging to be exploited: a backdoor big
enough to admit a Visigoth horde in full kit without waking the watchdog.
Get this: BillCo's e-mail agent -- let's call it LookOut! -- was
deliberately designed to let strangers send you e-mail that can issue
commands to your computer without consulting you. No, really! If you use
BillCo's operating system -- let's call it OpenWindow -- and run LookOut!,
your computer's no longer merely user-friendly: It's now a user-slut; one
too dumb to carry condoms, or even take names.
Perhaps the thinking -- if any -- was that somehow only corporations as
big and respectable as BillCo would ever take advantage of this wide-open
back window. But last week the worldwide Pea-brained Vandal community,
after months of inexplicable restraint, finally decided the time to party
had come, and things quickly got ugly. Dismayed LookOut! users soon found
their promiscuous program had given them not just viruses, but worms,
which is as horrid as it sounds.
Turns out quite a few people use LookOut! and some version of
OpenWindow. Collectively they lost a fair amount of time and data -- and
money -- and it's safe to say many are unhappy. It's only a matter of time
before they all wise up, and figure out out how the vandals got in. When
they do, they'll have things to say, and some may decide to say it with
subpoenas.
If I were a BillCo lawyer, already sweating a momentous verdict, I'd
have spent the last week restocking the bunker with supplies against yet
another long siege. And if I were (shudder!) a BillCo PR flack, I'd have
spent the week racking my brains for some way to make BillCo come across
warm and likeable and beleaguered by bureaucrats. Hearken to what they did
instead.
There's another operating system I can call by its right name here,
because nobody owns it. Linux is open-source: Anybody can get under the
hood and suggest or demonstrate improvements; good ones get adopted by the
community. This makes for superb, cutting-edge software -- free! A few
years ago, for instance, volunteers developed Kerberos: an open-standard
security system that authenticates the identity of users who log into Unix
networks. Theodore Ts'o and others worked on it together until it was Way
Cool, inviting others to use and/or improve it. Then BillCo showed up at
the barn-raising, eager to help.
Next thing you know, OpenWindow 2K has a version of Kerberos built
in. Only theirs is copyright. Proprietary rather than free. And funny
thing: It doesn't interact effectively with Unix or Linux computers . . .
A few programmers have been discussing this lately at a website called
Slashdot http://www.slashdot.org . It bills itself as "news for
nerds," and that's exactly what it is: a big public bulletin board on
which nerds rap with each other. No matter how heated the discussion might
have become, there was no possibility of any tangible consequence in the
real world. Until BillCo decided to try and censor it.
I'm not joking: BillCo last week asked Slashdot to delete the Kerberos
discussion-thread. No specific "or-else" was named . . . but it was
lawyers who did the asking (it's alleged that some miscreant revealed
secrets of BillCo's proprietary software).
Say again: The sergeants of BillCo -- which is seriously threatened with
the corporate equivalent of lobotomy and castration, and which just this
month damaged millions of its customers through apparent gross
internet-security incompetence -- decided in their corporate wisdom that
this is the moment to make sure not only Linux weenies, but everyone who
is literate, thinks of them as creeps and bullies.
Wish I could help. But so far my lawyer and I have never met, and I like
it that way. So please don't ask which OS I'm talking about. Apropos of
nothing, by the way, my neighbor Homer hates black birds -- so my crows oft
win. Doh!
B.C. science-fiction writer Spider Robinson has been a Mac user since
1984. Bantam will publish his new novel Callahan's Key in July.
Copyright 2000 | The Globe and Mail
Date: Thu, 18 May 2000 10:49:49 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Bugger Microsoft
Toyota loses right to "B*gger" ad
April 1, 2000 - In a landmark decision, the Australian Commercial
Practices Court today ruled that Toyota is no longer allowed to run its
advertising campaign based on the word "Bugger".
Explained Court spokesman Loof Lirpa, "Some time ago Microsoft took out
an injunction against the use of the word 'Bugger' in Toyota's ad. It was
argued that 'Bugger' had been associated with Windows far longer and far
more deeply than with Toyota's utes."
Lirpa went on to suggest that every Windows user in the world uses the
word at least once a day as a direct result of using Windows. "No other
product has ever achieved that degree of market recognition and for Toyota
to muscle in on it was clearly a breach of commercial etiquette and, ipso
facto, copyright."
Microsoft is now planning a media-wide campaign using their
catch-word. A copy that has been leaked to us shows several familiar
faces:
Steven King is shown saving the last page of his new 800 page
blockbuster in Word and then re-opening it to find that it has been
reduced to three smiley faces and half a dozen Japanese characters. He
smiles wanly at the camera and says "......"
Kerry Packer is shown shaking his head knowingly and muttering
"......" when he discovers that the spreadsheet on which he based his
latest $4 billion takeover has suffered from the notorious Excel "four
sevens are thirty six" feature and that the Ayer's Rock Hot Pie Company is
somewhat overvalued.
The head of the CIA (with his faced pixilated) is shown shouting
"....."on finding that Outlook has just e-mailed the entire contents of
his hard drive to the head of the KGB. She, in turn, says "byugyah" when
the file is found to be in last year's Access format.
A spokesthing for Microsoft commented, "This is a logical move for the
company that used "You make a grown man cry" and "The damned and accursed
are convicted to the flames of Hell" as advertising slogans for its
software. We anticipate establishing the slogan in the marketplace by
including a t-shirt printed with "Bugger Microsoft" in every box of our
software."
(written by Walt Smith)
Date: Fri, 19 May 2000 10:44:19 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: good deeds
A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted,
while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is
worthy.
St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his brow and says
to the guy, 'You know, I can't see that you ever did anything really bad
in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can
point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED-- you're in.'
The guy thinks for a moment and says, 'Yeah, there was this one time
when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of thugs
assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on
and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em harassing this terrified
young woman.
Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk,
and walked up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather
jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the
leader, the thugs formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's
chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Layed
him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them, 'Leave this poor
innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home
before I teach you all a lesson in pain!''
St. Peter, impressed, says, 'Really? When did this happen?'
'Oh, about two minutes ago.'
Date: Mon, 22 May 2000 11:22:19 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: memorials...
A Jewish woman's husband dies and she has only $20,000 to her
name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she
tells her closest friend that she has no money left.
The friend says, "How can that be? You told me you still had $20,000 left
just a few days before your husband died. How could you be broke?"
The widow says, "Well, the funeral home cost me $5,000. And of course,
I had to make the obligatory donation to the temple, so that was another
$5,000. The rest went for the memorial stone."
The friend says, "$10,000 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was
it?"
Extending her left hand, the widow says, "Three carats."
Date: Tue, 23 May 2000 10:22:18 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: license photo
When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle
bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man
ahead of me finally got his license.
He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was
standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this
picture."
The woman beside him peered over his shoulder, then reassured him, "It's
okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
Date: Wed, 24 May 2000 10:21:24 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: relationship problem?
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem,
doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out an
outrageous yell."
"My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what
the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "he keeps waking me up!"
Date: Thu, 25 May 2000 11:05:34 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: PMS
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else
in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the
bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE
DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they
wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've
been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did,
by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair
that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID
light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE
THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY? BECAUSE
NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE
HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP
THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN
THIS...
I'm sorry...what did you ask me?
Date: Fri, 26 May 2000 11:27:16 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Latin is dead?
Glossarium breve vocabulorum computatralium:
A brief glossary of computer terms:
I. locus telae1. address (URL)
II. vitium 2. bug
III. discus compactus 3. CD
IV. computatrum 4. computer
V. disculus 5. diskette
VI. discus fixus 6. hard drive
VII. litterae electronicae 7. e-mail
VIII. scapus 8. file
IX. pagina domestica 9. home page
X. internetum 10. Internet
XI. claviatura 11. keyboard
XII. ligamen 12. link
XIII. transmodulatrum 13. modem
XIV. mus 14. mouse
XV. signum 15. password
XVI. memoria volatilis 16. RAM
XVII. memoria fixa 17. ROM
XVIII. scrinium 18. screen
XIX. programma 19. software program
XX. TTT (tela totius terrae) 20. WWW (worldwide web)
Date: Tue, 30 May 2000 10:36:23 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: religion joke
A Pagan died and, much to her surprise, found herself at the Pearly
Gates facing St. Peter. He walked up to her and said, "Hello, and
welcome."
She stared at St. Peter in complete confusion. "Wait a minute," she
said. "I was supposed to end up in the Summerlands." He smiled. "Ah, you
must be one of our Pagan sisters. Follow me, please."
Peter gestured for her to follow him down a small path which went
through the gates and down a bit to the left. They walked for a short
while, then he stepped back and gestured her forward. Looking past his
hand, she saw the verdant fields and forests of her desired
Summerlands. She saw people feasting, dancing, and making merry, exactly
as she expected. While shaking her head in wonder, the Pagan happened to
glance over to one side and saw a small group of people a short way away
from the edge of the Summerlands.
The people in the group were watching the revelers, but not joining
them. Instead, they were screaming and weeping piteously. The woman looked
at St. Peter. "Who are those people?" St. Peter replied, "Them? They're
fundamentalists. They're a bit surprised to see you all there, so they
stand there and carry on like that all day."
"Why? Don't they have better things to do?"
Peter leaned conspiratorially toward her. "They don't really have a
choice. They're actually in Hell. God doesn't like being told what He
thinks."
Date: Wed, 31 May 2000 10:36:23 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Echelon
NSA Press Release (classification: public)
Due to an increase in traffic across the Internet and reduction in
defense spending, the Echelon project has had trouble maintaining adequate
coverage of the Internet.
In light of SETI's successful SETI@Home screen saver program, which uses
spare clock cycles from home user's computers, while displaying
interesting graphics, to search for signs of intelligence in cosmic noise
picked up by radio telescopes, the NSA has decided to launch a similar
project: Echelon@Home. The Echelon@Home screen saver will receive packages
of information combed from the Internet and other information transfer
mediums, and check for dangerous communication that can be forwarded to
the NSA for further analysis.
The NSA feels that the Echelon@Home project is just the kind of forward
thinking and innovation that citizens can come to expect from their
government. It will allow them to take an active role in the clandestine
efforts to protect their Liberty by watching their every step.
John Edgar
Operations Specialist (OS), Public relations
National Security Agency
JEDGAR@nsa.gov
Thanks for looking!
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