Date: Tue, 1 May 2001 08:52:51 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  bumper sticker OTD

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Date: Wed, 2 May 2001 08:14:29 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  .sig otd

One Unix to rule them all, One Resolver to find them,
One IP to bring them all and in the zone to bind them.

Date: Fri, 4 May 2001 08:19:04 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD from the Keynoter

"How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?"

Date: Mon, 7 May 2001 09:35:30 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  vocabulary

  A Texan, a Russian, and a New Yorker are sitting in a restaurant in 
London. The waiter gives them their menus and then informs them, "Excuse
me, but the steak on the menu is not available due to a shortage."

The Texan asks, "What's a shortage?"
The Russian asks, "What's a filet mignon?"
The New Yorker asks, "What the @(#&!@# does 'excuse me' mean?"

Date: Tue, 8 May 2001 10:50:38 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  definitions...

from an online medical blooper calendar:

"A drug dealer had been shot in a 'deal gone bad.'  While in Radiology, I
looked at the x-ray request form.  The box for 'Work Related Injury' had
been checked."

Date: Wed, 9 May 2001 09:03:00 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  milk bath

  A blonde heard that milk baths would make you beautiful.  She left a
note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.

  When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake.  He
thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to
clarify the point.  The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I
found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk.  Did you mean 15 gallons or
1.5 gallons?"

  The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons.  I'm going to fill my bathtub up
with milk and take a milk bath."  The milkman asked, "Pasteurized?"

  The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits."

Date: Thu, 10 May 2001 15:24:23 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Pause For Pleasure

From "The Washington Times":

  Dudley McDonald of Falls Church reports that historians have dubbed the
Clinton administration: "Sex between the Bushes."

Date: Fri, 11 May 2001 08:52:49 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Bad timing

  My company did not pick the best day to perform layoffs when it did so
yesterday.  It just happened to coincide with Take Your Daughter to Work
Day.  Take your kids to work and allow them to experience real life.

Date: Mon, 14 May 2001 08:39:39 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  how do we...

  One morning Bobby's mother was cleaning his room, and she found an S & M
magazine under the bed. She was beside herself worrying, trying to think
of how to handle the situation.

  Finally her husband came home from work, and he asked her how her day
was. The mother told him about the magazine. Shaking, she asked him how
they were going handle this situation.

  Her husband sat there for awhile, sighed, and said, "Well, I guess
spanking him is out of the question."

Date: Tue, 15 May 2001 09:39:42 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  NY TIMES - QOD

QUOTE OF THE DAY
=========================

"He combines megalomania with self-irony. It's his way of being excessive
in all things."

- GIULIANO FERRARA, an adviser to Silvio Berlusconi, who is expected to
become Italy's next prime minister.

Date: Wed, 16 May 2001 09:32:42 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  parentage

  There was a middle aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teenage
daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always
wanted.

  After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine
months later, delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to
the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see
the ugliest child he had ever seen.

  He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the
father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I 
fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling 
around on me?"

  The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

Date: Thu, 17 May 2001 10:47:39 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  crowded elevator

  As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Silverman became increasingly
furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a
gorgeous young blonde woman.

  As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled,
slapped Mr. Silverman, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"

  Bewildered, Mr. Silverman was halfway to the parking lot with his wife
when he choked, "I . . . I didn't pinch that girl."

  "Of course you didn't," replied his wife, consolingly. "I did."

Date: Fri, 18 May 2001 12:56:18 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Shroedinger's cat 

Conversation had turned to Shroedinger's cat, and I went to get the
straight dope (straightdope.com)

The story of Schroedinger's cat (an epic poem) 

Dear Cecil:

Cecil, you're my final hope
Of finding out the true Straight Dope
For I have been reading of Schroedinger's cat
But none of my cats are at all like that.
This unusual animal (so it is said)
Is simultaneously live and dead!
What I don't understand is just why he
Can't be one or other, unquestionably.
My future now hangs in between eigenstates.
In one I'm enlightened, the other I ain't.
If you understand, Cecil, then show me the way
And rescue my psyche from quantum decay.
But if this queer thing has perplexed even you,
Then I will and won't see you in Schroedinger's zoo.
--Randy F., Chicago

Dear Randy:

Schroedinger, Erwin! Professor of physics!
Wrote daring equations! Confounded his critics!
(Not bad, eh? Don't worry. This part of the verse
Starts off pretty good, but it gets a lot worse.)
Win saw that the theory that Newton'd invented
By Einstein's discov'ries had been badly dented.
What now? wailed his colleagues. Said Erwin, "Don't panic,
No grease monkey I, but a quantum mechanic.
Consider electrons. Now, these teeny articles
Are sometimes like waves, and then sometimes like particles.
If that's not confusing, the nuclear dance
Of electrons and suchlike is governed by chance!
No sweat, though--my theory permits us to judge
Where some of 'em is and the rest of 'em was."
Not everyone bought this. It threatened to wreck
The comforting linkage of cause and effect.
E'en Einstein had doubts, and so Schroedinger tried
To tell him what quantum mechanics implied.
Said Win to Al, "Brother, suppose we've a cat,
And inside a tube we have put that cat at--
Along with a solitaire deck and some Fritos,
A bottle of Night Train, a couple mosquitoes
(Or something else rhyming) and, oh, if you got 'em,
One vial prussic acid, one decaying ottom
Or atom--whatever--but when it emits,
A trigger device blasts the vial into bits
Which snuffs our poor kitty. The odds of this crime
Are 50 to 50 per hour each time.
The cylinder's sealed. The hour's passed away. Is
Our pussy still purring--or pushing up daisies?
Now, you'd say the cat either lives or it don't
But quantum mechanics is stubborn and won't.
Statistically speaking, the cat (goes the joke),
Is half a cat breathing and half a cat croaked.
To some this may seem a ridiculous split,
But quantum mechanics must answer, "Tough @#&!
We may not know much, but one thing's fo' sho':
There's things in the cosmos that we cannot know.
Shine light on electrons--you'll cause them to swerve.
The act of observing disturbs the observed--
Which ruins your test. But then if there's no testing
To see if a particle's moving or resting
Why try to conjecture? Pure useless endeavor!
We know probability--certainty, never.'
The effect of this notion? I very much fear
'Twill make doubtful all things that were formerly clear.
Till soon the cat doctors will say in reports,
"We've just flipped a coin and we've learned he's a
corpse."'
So saith Herr Erwin. Quoth Albert, "You're nuts.
God doesn't play dice with the universe, putz.
I'll prove it!" he said, and the Lord knows he tried--
In vain--until fin'ly he more or less died.
Win spoke at the funeral: "Listen, dear friends,
Sweet Al was my buddy. I must make amends.
Though he doubted my theory, I'll say of this saint:
Ten-to-one he's in heaven--but five bucks says he ain't."

--CECIL ADAMS

Date: Mon, 21 May 2001 08:42:32 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD 

There's always free cheese in a mousetrap.

Date: Tue, 22 May 2001 08:50:22 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  mothers

  Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back 
together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly 
mother.

  The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said,
"I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've
got you, both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And
you know she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that
recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach
him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and
the parrot recites it."

  Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: 

  "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in
only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

  "Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of 
the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so 
rude!"

  "Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense
to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

Date: Thu, 24 May 2001 08:20:15 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  run that by me again

Quote of the day

On the delicious prospect of Sen Jefferds of Vt's probable defection from
the Republican party to become an Independent and vote with the Dems:
 
Bob Barr, Georgia's apparently mathematically impaired hatchet man, when
asked what this would do to the 50-50 Senate, said on CNN "well, it's so 
close now, one vote will not make a difference..."

Date: Fri, 25 May 2001 08:49:02 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  in honor of Memorial Day

 Folks, let's not forget why there is a Memorial Day weekend. It is far
more than "the weekend the pools open". At 3pm on Monday, take one minute
and show you remember those who paid the price to allow you to live the
way you want:

http://www.remember.gov
 
-----

Day is done, gone the sun
From the lake, from the hills, from the sky
All is well, safely rest
God is nigh

-"Taps"

Date: Tue, 29 May 2001 15:31:14 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Keys humor

  The Marathon New Life Assembly of God church really knows how not to
take life so seriously while getting its message across.

  For example, the church has a drive-through for divine guidance: A 
drive-through prayer box. The requests can be anonymous; God knows who you
are. And out along U.S. 1, the church has an ever-changing sign with 
inspirational messages. This weeks: 

"Forbidden fruit can get you in jams."

Date: Wed, 30 May 2001 08:37:52 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  bird calls

The New And Improved Call Of The Wild

  Ah, there's nothing quite like the harbingers of spring: mercury rising,
flowers blooming, birds singing the dulcet tones of ... "Dixieland"? It
seems nature is heeding Nokia's call. Some birds are adding mobile-phone
ring tones to their repertoire. "You don't believe it the first time you
hear it," says Nicolaj Nielsen, a business analyst at Denmark-based Strand
Consult, who has witnessed birds mimicking mobile phones. "It's quite
funny."

  But it's not surprising, says Andrew South of the United Kingdom-based
Royal Society for the Protection of Birds, who's heard similar
reports. Starlings borrow about 10% of their songs from other sounds like
doorbells and police sirens. And they have a penchant for phones, having
long ago picked up the warbling tones that replaced most phones ringing
the United Kingdom. "They're just catching up with modern
technology," South says.

  There's no environmental impact associated with this phenomenon, he
says--other than the frustration that might arise when someone lunges for
a phone and finds the caller perched in a tree. Still, there's the threat
of noise pollution, as phone users increasingly download snippets of pop
music for ring tones. What if birds develop an affinity for, say, Britney
Spears? Says South: "They should be shot." - Sandra Swanson

Date: Thu, 31 May 2001 09:58:28 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter,
taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are
the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and
prove it.

P.J. O'Rourke