Date: Thu, 1 May 2003 08:03:28 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"God created woman. And boredom did indeed cease from that moment -- but
many other things ceased as well. Woman was God's second mistake."
-- Nietzsche

Date: Fri, 2 May 2003 07:51:37 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  bumper stick seen on way in to work

"I'm not myself today. Maybe I'm you."

Date: Mon, 5 May 2003 07:57:23 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  I was in Indiana this weekend...

  A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line
of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to
march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led
over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often,
instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off
to one side into a small pile.

  After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got
the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing.
"Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for
judgment, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people
aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?"

  "Ah, those . . ." Satan said with a groan. "They're all from Indiana.
They're still too cold and wet to burn.

Date: Tue, 6 May 2003 07:53:55 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door."
-- Paul Beatty

Date: Wed, 7 May 2003 07:52:33 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  a feel for a billion

  A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising
agency did a good job of putting that figure into perspective in one of
its releases:

  A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

  A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

  A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

  A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate
Washington spends it.

Date: Thu, 8 May 2003 08:04:28 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

  "One might plausibly argue, indeed, that the complete disappearance of
France would produce no more perturbation in the world than the loss of an
ear produces in a man. Brussels and Lucerne would quickly put in better
cooks, and Copenhagen, I venture, could take care of the peep-show
business without any need of an international loan."

-- H. L. Mencken, April 1927

Date: Fri, 9 May 2003 07:48:45 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  news flash

  Redmond, WA: In an unprecedented press briefing Friday, Microsoft
Corporation announced its intention to establish itself as a sovereign
nation. While only sketchy details have been released so far, it has
emerged that Microsoft's Chief Software Architect and President Elect Bill
Gates has purchased a small archipelago off the coast of Cuba. The
company's Seattle headquarters are to be dismantled and transported there
immediately by boat.

  Microsoft CEO and Foreign Minister Steve Ballmer said, "This
transformation marks the beginning of a new era for Microsoft. Becoming an
independent nation will allow us to streamline our operations beyond what
has previously been possible. Besides, our net yearly revenue already
exceeds the GDP of 60% of the world's other countries, and we employ
approximately as many people as live in Greenland. Plus, we didn't have to
think very hard to come up with a flag."

  Attorney General Brad Smith was quick to point out that, since so many
of the laws passed into US statute have been heavily influenced by
Microsoft, the transformation of the Legal department into the new
Department of Justice would be relatively straightforward.

  Environmental groups were dismayed by the sale of the North Atlantic
islands, which they say contain some of the last remaining habitats of the
Paralouatta Varonai monkey. Microsoft Environment Minister Ken DiPietro
insisted that "every effort" would be made to safeguard the wellbeing of
the primates, although he sought to play down rumours that some might be
offered jobs in the country's Department of Trustworthy Computing.

  Construction work has already begun on the smallest island of the
complex, where a village of eleven mud huts has been erected. This will
house the Departments of Software Testing, Quality Assurance and Customer
Service. The remaining 95% of the landmass will house the Departments of
Justice, the Treasury and the Department of Marketing and Tourism.

  The move has caused widespread concern among industry analysts, many of
whom are predicting severe economic repercussions. A spokesperson said,
"Many people [at] Microsoft are of the opinion that we have been carrying
the whole US economy for some time now. Well, as of today, that's no
longer our problem."

  It seems that the incorporation of an armed defence force does not
figure in Microsoft's plan. Intelligence sources suspect that the country
may be content with the strategic advantage they already have, by virtue
of posessing a back door into the computer systems of almost every
government in the world.

  When asked about the potential perception of Microsoft's actions as
anti-American, Ballmer said, "[that] is preposterous. All of our subjects
will be offered dual nationality, and may retain their US passport in
addition to their new Microsoft Passports and other documentation."
Examination of the EULA for Windows XP Service Pack 2 reveals an extra
clause allowing Microsoft to "upgrade" users in other countries to
Microsoft citizenship automatically.

Date: Mon, 12 May 2003 08:02:41 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power."
-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"

Date: Tue, 13 May 2003 08:04:16 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  prescription

  A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some
arsenic.The druggist asks, "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?" The
lady says, "I'll use it to kill my husband." "I can't sell you any for
that reason," says the druggist. The lady then reaches into her purse and
pulls out a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position and
shows it to the druggist. The man is her husband and the lady is the
druggist's wife.

  He looks at the photo and says, "Oh, I didn't know you had a
prescription!"

Date: Wed, 14 May 2003 09:45:02 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

  "Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline
sharply the minute they start waving guns around?"
-- Dr. Who

Date: Thu, 15 May 2003 04:24:54 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  tagline OTD

  A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember
your birthday when you never look any older?"

Date: Tue, 20 May 2003 08:07:44 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

  "Suppose that we are wise enough to learn and know and yet not wise
enough to control our learning and knowledge, so that we use it to destroy
ourselves? Even if that is so, knowledge remains better than ignorance. It
is better to know even if the knowledge endures only for the moment that
comes before destruction than to gain eternal life at the price of a dull
and swinish lack of comprehension of a universe that swirls unseen before
us in all its wonder. That was the choice of Achilles, and it is mine,
too."
-- Isaac Asimov

Date: Wed, 21 May 2003 08:03:38 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  in honor of my trip home... 

furbling, v.: Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or
bank even when you are the only person in line.
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"

Date: Thu, 22 May 2003 08:03:16 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  don't read this while drinking coke.... for gamers...

  The day I killed the entire party before the first combat encounter...

  THE FOLLOWING STORY IS TRUE. ONLY THE NAMES HAVE HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO
PROTECT ME FROM A SAVAGE BEATING WITH THE STICK OF PAIN.

  It was the end of the 1980's, for some reason the group of players in my
area had established a strange attaction to Avalon Hill's catch all rpg
LORDS OF CREATION. The players had coaxed me into playing it once before
but the session had been disturbing. The players had played character's
based on themselves. When that game began one of the players, we will call
him 'Psycho Dave', started out the campaign by having his character kill
his parents.

  Things went downhill from there.

  So months later we are all there in the basement of another of our
players, whom I will refer to as El Disgusto, and I have been talked into
trying to run Lords of Creation again. there are five players- Psycho
Dave, El Disgusto, Deviant Boy, The Amazing Boozehound and Weasly Crusher.

  I already have a great idea for a campaign, about our reality being
attacked by another alien reality. You may think I am ripping off TORG but
this was years before TORG. I was ripping off the Dr. Who episode HORNS OF
NIMON.

  I explained to the players that they were to make ordinary modern people
and they campain would detail their attemtps to survive in this strange
new world. Kind of a RED DAWN meets GAMMA WORLD.

  So character creation begins and it goes something like this-

  El Disgusto: "I want to make a ninja!"

  Me: "Well you could be a master martial artist but I'm not sure if a
ninja is exactly..."

  El Disgusto: "A ninja! I want to play a ninja! What kind of a game is
this where you can't pick what you want?"

  Me: "Ok you can play a ninja."

  Deviant Boy: "I'm going to play a stripper."

  Me: "Ok then."

  Weasly Crusher: "And I'm his character's cousin. She's a stripper too."

  Me: "Great... just roll up those stats then."

  Psycho Dave: "I'm going to play a former Navy Seal. He has medals of
honor and no one knows that in his spare time he kills hippies and
midgets."

  Me: "That's very interesting, and he has the same name as you too.
Great."

  The Amazing Boozehound: "I'm playing a dwarf fighter... hic!"

  Me: "No. No, see this is set in the modern era. There are no Dwarven
fighters."

  The Amazing Boozehound: "Oh."

  Me: "So what was your second choice?"

  The Amazing Boozehound: "What?"

  Me: "For a character?"

  The Amazing Boozehound: "Oh... lemmie think."

  Deviant Boy: "My character and her cousin are having an affair."

  Me: "Wh-what?"

  Deviant Boy: "We're lesbian strippers."

  Weasly Crusher: "We're in love."

  Me: "I- I-"

  The Amazing Boozehound: "Can I play a midget?"

  Psycho Dave: "Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr"

  Me: "Maybe you could play a ninja?"

  The Amazing Boozehound: "Eh... I'll just play a guy who's like a cop or
somethin'."

  Me: "Ok roll it up."

  Psycho Dave: "You know human blood looks black in the moonlight..."

  Weasly Crusher: "My character and her cousin have matching toe rings."

  Me: "FOR CHRIST'S SAKE JUST ROLL UP YOUR CHARACTERS!!!!!"

  Eventually they created their characters, so I began to set the scene.
Well I tried to set the scene but see El Disgusto's parents had left town
and he had one reponsibility... to feed and walk his parent's decrepit dog
Lamont. Of course El Disgusto had done neither in days so the dog would
frequently pad up to the top of basement steps and howl mournfully.

  Anyway, once El Disgusto had gotten done beating his parent's dog into
silence we began to play. I set the scene describing a world where strange
spider like creatures had enslaved humanity and how the players had all
just escaped from one of the slave labor camps.

  The first problem errupted-

  Psycho Dave: "What? What?' We don't have our stuff?"

  Me: "We never went over equipment lists because I thought-"

  El Disgusto: "Dude, my ninja has to have a motorcycle."

  Me: "I explained the alien spiders-"

  Deviant Boy: "Our toe rings? They took our toe rings?"

  Me: "-they have reduced the hujman race to a state of slavery. All our
technology."

  Psycho Dave: "No way would they take my guns knives and explosives!"

  El Disgusto: "And my motorcycle... who could steal a ninja's motorcycle?
My guy would fight to the death for his motorcycle. Nice going dickweed."

  Weasly Crusher: "Couldn't we have hidden our toe rings inside
ourselves?"

  Deviant Boy: "Good roleplaying!"

  The Amazing Boozehound: "Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."

  Me: "I don't really think you are giving this a chance."

  El Disgusto: "Shut up Lamont! I said SHUT UP!"

  The arguments and dog beatings took up another hour or so of my life but
finally I said that I would 'retool' my ideas.

  Me: "Ok remake your characters as naval officers. You will be playing
the crew of a nuclear submarine ordered to hide at the bottom of the sea
when the invasion began. You will be the team sent to investigate the
surface, you will be fully equiped with weapons and other stuff. "

  Psycho Dave: "Much better. Is there a chance that I killed the submarine
captain and took over?"

  Me: "No."

  El Disgusto: "Ok I am a naval officer but I am also secretly a spy for
the ninjas."

  Me: "Seeing as how all of the civilized world has fallen to the alien
spiders I don't think that matters much."

  El Disgusto: "On no those aliens only THINK they got the ninjas."

  Me: "Fine whatever."

  Deviant Boy: "My character is a tough as nails commando... but she's
really hot."

  Weasly Crusher: "I'm her cousin and we're lesbians."

  Deviant Boy: "We're in love."

  Weasly Crusher: "We share a bunk."

  Me: "Please... save it for the game."

  El Disgusto: "Shut up Lamont! Don't make me get the stick of pain!"

  The Amazing Boozehound: "Wh- why is my cop on a submarine?"

  Me: "You're playing a navy MP... don't you remember?"

  The Amazing Boozehound: "Oh ok."

  Me: "Anyway. The captain of the submarine is worried because he hasn't
heard from Washington in six months. He calls you in the middle of the
night to his office-"

  Deviant Boy: "Since it's the middle of the night my chracter shows up
wearing a flimsy teddy."

  Weasly Crusher: "Ohhh me too."

  Me: "The captain says-"

  El Disgusto: "Shouldn't the captain roll to see if he notices me? I am a
ninja after all. I-- Stick of Pain Lamont! Stick of Pain!"

  Me: "The captain orders you to the go ashore and find out what has been
happening."

  The Amazing Boozehound: "I say- Dammnit Captain! I'm a good cop!"

  Me: "He wants you to go ashore immediately."

  Psycho Dave: "I say we fire our nukes."

  Me: "Immediately!"

  The next hour of the game was taken up with the crew listing the many
types of guns, knives, rocket launchers and butt plugs their characters
would bring. Sometime during the discussion Lamont, desperate for food and
suffering for what would turn out to be terminal dysentery tried to walk
down the basement steps only to collapse into a quivering furry heap atop
an orange crate of freshly painted minis. El Disgusto howled with rage and
went to town with the stick of pain until Lamont hid behind the furnace.

  Finally we got back to the game:

  Me: "Ok you've got your raft as full of equipment as it can be and
you're-"

  El Disgusto: "Wait... what about my motorcycle?"

  Me: "What?"

  El Disgusto: "My character wants to bring his motorcycle."

  Me: "Look your character spent the last six months on a submarine."

  El Disgusto: "Then so did his motorcycle."

  Me: "How in the name of all that is holy could you get anyone to agree
to bring a motorcycle onto a submarine?"

  El Disgusto: "What are you asking me for? You're the one running this
crappy game!"

  Me: "Ok then. As you all are standing there an Ensign Bruno says 'Don't
forget this!' And rolls a motorcycle off the deck onto the rubber raft.
The weight collapses the raft and you are all tangled up in it and the
motorcycle. You are dragged down beneath the surface of the ocean and
drown. End of game."

  To punctuate this I took the Lords of Creaton rulebook and threw it
against the wall. Harsh words were exchanged on all sides. Who knows we
might have even come to blows if not for Lamont staggering out from behind
the furnace and spraying a stream of doggie diarrhea over the couch that
had everyone's coats draped across it.

  In the pandemonium that followed I made my way home. I can always get
another coat.

Date: Fri, 23 May 2003 07:50:41 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Tech Support

  Since I was the first to arrive at our high-tech company one morning, I
answered the telephone. When the caller asked for field engineering, I
explained that it was before normal business hours, but that I would help
if I could.

"What's your job there?" the caller asked me.

"I'm the president," I replied.

  There was a pause. Then he said, "I'll call back later. I need to talk
to someone who knows something."

Date: Tue, 27 May 2003 07:45:28 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Well, if you take it literally...

I don't know if this its true, but funny nonetheless:

-----

Subject: Why can't I own Canadians?

  Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to
people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that
homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot
be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr.
Laura penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's
funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

  Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I
have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge
with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual
lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly
states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from
you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow
them.

  1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1: 9. The problem is my neighbors. They
claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

  2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in
Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price
for her?

  3. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and
female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of
mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you
clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

  4. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2
clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill
him myself?

  5. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality.
I don't agree. Can you settle this?

  6. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have
a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my
vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

  7. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.
19:27. How should they die?

  8. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me
unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

  9. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different
crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two
different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse
and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble
of getting the whole town together to stone them? -Lev.24:10-

  10. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like
we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)  I know you
have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.

Date: Wed, 28 May 2003 08:03:59 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

  "Marriage Ceremony: An incredible metaphysical sham of watching God and
the law being dragged into the affairs of your family."
-- O. C. Ogilvie

Date: Thu, 29 May 2003 07:46:43 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  kid thoughts

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening
when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was
stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my five-year-old
shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

***********************************************************************

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd
dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it
in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to
my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a
charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it
fell in the toilet a few days ago'."

***********************************************************************

On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note
from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child
are not necessarily those of his parents."

***********************************************************************

A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old
daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child
said to her mother.
Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right
now. She's hitting the bottle."

***********************************************************************

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's
locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with
ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in
amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever
seen a little boy before?"

***********************************************************************

POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I
was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and
down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and
continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I
should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her.
"Well, then,"she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please
tie my shoe?"

***********************************************************************

POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was
barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got
back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at
me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

***********************************************************************

ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon
rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age,
particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her
staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself
for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and
whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

***********************************************************************

DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister
heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead
robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured
a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for
the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with
sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father
always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather. and unto the Sonnn..... and
into the hole he gooooes."

***********************************************************************

SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just
wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't
write and they won't let me talk!"

Date: Fri, 30 May 2003 07:50:32 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Gonads are useful for their purpose, but they are no substitute for
brains."
-- Paul Harvey