Date: Mon, 3 May 2004 07:16:17 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but
they've always worked for me."
-- Hunter S. Thompson

Date: Tue, 4 May 2004 07:19:43 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"No self-made man ever did such a good job that some woman didn't want to
make some alterations."
-- Kim Hubbard

Date: Wed, 5 May 2004 07:09:29 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Work like you don't need the money
Love like you've never been hurt
Dance like nobody's watching"
-- "Satchel" Paige

Date: Thu, 6 May 2004 07:25:05 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  If women ruled the world

Was someone being bitter to send this to me? :)

-----

If Women Ruled The World:

Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.

PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.

Men would get reputations for sleeping around.

Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding
rings in their pockets.

A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is
breathing.

Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would
increase by 40 pounds.

Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.

"Ms." Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad
male models.

Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of
bedtime.

Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none
of the credit.

Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks"

Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women made.

Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.

Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no
pictures.

Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry", "I love you", "You're
beautiful", "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit."

Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.

Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.

Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.

All toilet seats would be nailed down.

Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.

TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.

All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator

During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19
year olds.

Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.

After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on
their wives hand and foot.

For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for
six weeks.

Date: Mon, 10 May 2004 07:22:55 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  simple mistake

  There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil
shortage here in America.

  Well, there's a very simple answer: Nobody bothered to check the oil. We
just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely
geographical. All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, California, and Oklahoma.

  All our dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.

Date: Tue, 11 May 2004 07:35:03 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  fortune OTD

Murphy's Discovery:
        Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to
women?  They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything
will be all right."  And what happens?  Nine months later, you're in
trouble!

Date: Wed, 12 May 2004 07:27:07 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more
specific."
-- Jane Wagner

Date: Thu, 13 May 2004 07:25:20 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  from the Keynoter

Bumper Sticker of the Day:

"Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?"

Date: Fri, 14 May 2004 07:24:42 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  natural antagonists

Cat lovers, unite, against evil birds

  To protest efforts that target free-roaming house cats or feral-cat
colonies, The Feline Resistance has established an Internet presence
(www.felineresistance .org).

  Naturally, the first two battlefields listed on its site are in the
Florida Keys - Ocean Reef and John Pennekamp Coral Reef State Park.

  While the Feline Resistance backers appear sincere in their cause,
they're not above poking a bit of fun at the group they consider to be
their nemesis, the American Bird Conservancy.

  The bird group sponsors a six-year-old campaign called Cats Indoors!,
intended to encourage (or require) cats to be kept inside so they do not
prey on birds or wildlife.

  Feline Resistance fired back this week with a mock campaign: "Birds in
Cages!"

  It warns: "Within every bird are the genes of a prolific defecator,
causing millions or perhaps even billions of dollars worth of damage each
year....

  "A caged bird is a safe bird.... Do not feed stray birds without making
a commitment to giving or finding it a home...."

- from the Keynoter

Date: Mon, 17 May 2004 07:16:56 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  fortune OTD

Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.

Date: Tue, 18 May 2004 07:37:32 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"A woman is like your shadow; follow her, she flies; fly from her, she
follows."
-- Chamfort

Date: Wed, 19 May 2004 07:35:47 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty made 'em to match the
men."
-- George Eliot

Date: Thu, 20 May 2004 07:50:54 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  animals

  A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life"?

  A little girl in the back raised her hand and said, "All I want out of
life is four animals."

  The teacher asked "Really? And what four animals would that be"?

  The little girl replied, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a
tiger in bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."

  The teacher fainted.

Date: Fri, 21 May 2004 07:41:14 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  bumper sticker OTD

  If you can read this, thank a teacher....and since it's in English,
thank a soldier.

Date: Mon, 24 May 2004 08:07:23 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious."
-- Chateaubriand (1768-1848)

Date: Tue, 25 May 2004 07:30:23 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Mommy's Way or Daddy's Way?

  A man went to the store with his 3 year-old daughter in tow. Since he
was just there to grab some essentials like milk and bread, he opted to
save some time by not pushing a cart around the store.

  "That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him.

  "I know, dear, but Daddy's way is OK, too," he replied.

  Leaving the store in the rain and without a cart, he carried the bag of
groceries, his daughter, and the milk quickly to the car. Not wanting to
set anything down on the wet ground, he set the jug of milk on top of the
car, efficiently whisked open the car door with his now free hand, scooted
the groceries in and daughter into the car seat in one swift motion, and
hopped in himself.

  "That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him again.

  "Honey, there's more than one way to do things," the father replied
patiently. "Daddy's way is OK, too."

  As they pulled out and headed down the street, he became aware of the
scraping sound on the roof as the jug of milk slid down the length of the
rooftop, bounced off the trunk of the car and splattered to the ground,
sending a froth of white milk in every direction.

  In the millisecond he took to process his mistake, his young daughter
looked at him, and in a most serious voice said, "That's NOT the way Mommy
does it!"

Date: Wed, 26 May 2004 08:03:15 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying."
-- Nikita Khruschev

Date: Thu, 27 May 2004 07:22:14 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Clyde 

  A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking
company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.

  "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" asked the
lawyer.

  Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded
my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

  "I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted.

  "Just answer the question? Did you not say, at the scene of the
accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

  Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road...."

  The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the
accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please
tell him to simply answer the question."

  By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said
to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite
mule, Bessie".

  Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down
the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and
smacked my truck right in the side.

  "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was
hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole
Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her
groans.

  "Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He
could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he
looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

  "Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me and
said 'How are you feeling?'

  "Now what would you say?"

Date: Fri, 28 May 2004 07:45:12 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"[The] feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about
a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to
leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy
capitalism and become lesbians."
-- Pat Robertson, fundraising letter, 1992