May 98...
From owner-humor@thalia.org Mon May 04 10:12:00 1998
Subject: humor: people's vote
As a note, this was led by the DC area ISP employees... :)
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Yahoo! News
Technology Headlines
Wednesday April 29 11:33 PM ET
Stern fans hijack 'Most Beautiful People' poll
By Maria Seminerio, ZDNet
Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?
Hank the Angry, Drunken Dwarf.
Or so one would believe, based on Netizens' response to People
Magazine Online's "Most Beautiful People" poll.
In what is apparently a combination protest against the magazine's
annual ode to the gorgeous and campaign to gain even more exposure for
radio- and TV show-host Howard Stern, Stern fans have been stuffing
People's virtual ballot box with write-in votes for Hank, one of the
quirky characters who periodically appear on Stern's shows.
As of Wednesday, Hank had garnered more than 43,000 votes, with his
closest rival, movie idol Leonardo DiCaprio, at about 5,300. Various
other iterations of Hank's name ("Hank the Angry Dwarf, Hank the Drunk
Angry Dwarf") are also in the running for People's Most Beautiful title.
Hank's write-in campaign is being promoted on Usenet newsgroups
including alt.fan.howard-stern and rec.humor.
The stampede of Stern fans to the site may be overwhelming the
contest's servers, as it has been tough to access throughout Wednesday
afternoon.
People Online said it would honor the vote.
"If Hank wins, he wins," said Leslie Schafer of Time Inc. New Media,
which produces Pathfinder, the site where People Online can be found.
"More power to him."
Apparently acceding to popular demand, People Online today added Hank
the Angry, Drunken Dwarf to its list of official nominees. Another
write-in candidate, Faye Wong, is neck-and-neck with X-Files star
Gillian Anderson for third place.
The People Online poll is in its third year and is not affiliated with
the People print magazine's annual Most Beautiful People listing, which
is compiled by the magazine's editors. Schafer called the online poll "a
democratic process."
A spokesperson for People will be appearing on Howard Stern's radio
show Thursday to discuss Hank's impending landslide, Schafer added.
Efforts to locate Hank himself proved unsuccessful. Spokespeople for
Stern's show did not return phone calls by press time.
Voting will continue until May 8, when the top 10 winners will be
announced and featured in a photo gallery on the People Online site.
Given the list of suggested beauties offered on the site, a person
like Hank isn't exactly what People Magazine's editors had in mind. (If
your choice is Mariah Carey, Kate Winslet, George Clooney or Tiger
Woods, you need only click the box next to their name.)
See Also:
Poll results
From owner-humor@thalia.org Tue May 05 09:20:21 1998
Subject: humor: Abbott and Costello Meet Windows 95
Abbot and Costello Meet Windows 95
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Costello: Hey, Abbott!
Abbot: Yes, Lou?
Costello: I just got my first computer.
Abbot: That's great Lou. What did you get?
Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive,
and a 24X CD-ROM.
Abbot: That's terrific, Lou.
Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!
Abbot: You will in time.
Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbot: Oh?
Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.
Abbot: Well, I don't know-
Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train
me.
Abbot: Really?
Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbot: O.K. Lou. What do you want to know?
Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you
should be very careful how you turn it off.
Abbot: That's true.
Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn
it off.
What do I do?
Abbot: Well, first you press the Start button, and then-
Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbot: I know, you press the Start button-
Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it Off. I know how to start it.
So tell me what to do.
Abbot: I did.
Costello: When?
Abbot: When I told you to press the Start button.
Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
Abbot: To shut off the computer.
Costello: I press Start to stop.
Abbot: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.
Costello: I knew it! So what do I press?
Abbot: Start.
Costello: Start what?
Abbot: Start button.
Costello: Start button to do what?
Abbot: Shut down.
Costello: You don't have to get rude!
Abbot: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.
Costello: Then say what you mean.
Abbot: To shut down the computer, press-
Costello: Don't say, "Start!"
Abbot: Then what do you want me to say?
Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to
press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but
no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbot: But that's what you do.
Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbot: Don't be ridiculous.
Costello: I'm being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we
started this conversation.
Abbot: What are you talking about?
Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.
From owner-humor@thalia.org Wed May 06 10:13:50 1998
Subject: humor: The Dumbest Deaths in Recorded History
humorous; I don't know as far as complete historical accuracy...
I do know the Jim Fixx one to be true...
-------------------------------------------------------
How Not To Die: The Dumbest Deaths in Recorded History
-------------------------------------------------------
Attila the Hun:
One of the most notorious villains in history, Attila's army had
conquered all of Asia by 450 AD--from Mongolia to the edge of the
Russian Empire--by destroying villages and pillaging the countryside.
How he died: He got a nosebleed on his wedding night
In 453 AD, Attila married a young girl named Ildico. Despite his
reputation for ferocity on the battlefield, he tended to eat and drink
lightly during large banquets. On his wedding night, however, he really
cut loose, gorging himself on food and drink. Sometime during the night
he suffered a nosebleed, but was too drunk to notice. He drowned in his
own blood and was found dead the next morning.
---------------------
Tycho Brahe:
An important Danish astronomer of the 16th century. His ground
breaking research allowed Sir Isaac Newton to come up with the theory of
gravity.
How he died: Didn't get to the bathroom in time
In the 16th century, it was considered an insult to leave a banquet
table before the meal was over. Brahe, known to drink excessively, had a
bladder condition -- but failed to relieve himself before the banquet
started. He made matters worse by drinking too much at dinner, and was
too polite to ask to be excused. His bladder finally burst, killing him
slowly and painfully over the next 11 days.
---------------------
Horace Wells:
Pioneered the use of anesthesia in the 1840s
How he died: Used anesthetics to commit suicide
While experimenting with various gases during his anesthesia research,
Wells became addicted to chloroform. In 1848 he was arrested for
spraying two women with sulfuric acid. In a letter he wrote from jail,
he blamed chloroform for his problems, claiming that he'd gotten high
before the attack. Four days later he was found dead in his cell. He'd
anaesthetized himself with chloroform and slashed open his thigh with a
razor.
---------------------
Francis Bacon:
One of the most influential minds of the late 16th century. A
statesman, a philosopher, a writer, and a scientist, he was even rumored
to have written some of Shakespeare's plays.
How he died: Stuffing snow into a chicken
One afternoon in 1625, Bacon was watching a snowstorm and was struck by
the wondrous notion that maybe snow could be used to preserve meat in
the same way that salt was used. Determined to find out, he purchased a
chicken from a nearby village, killed it, and then, standing outside in
the snow, attempted to stuff the chicken full of snow to freeze it. The
chicken never froze, but Bacon did.
---------------------
Jerome Irving Rodale:
Founding father of the organic food movement, creator of "Organic
Farming and Gardening" magazine, and founder of Rodale Press, a major
publishing corporation.
How he died: On the "Dick Cavett Show", while discussing the benefits of
organic foods.
Rodale, who bragged "I'm going to live to be 100 unless I'm run down by
a sugar-crazed taxi driver," was only 72 when he appeared on the "Dick
Cavett Show" in January 1971. Part way through the interview, he dropped
dead in his chair. Cause of death: heart attack. The show was never
aired.
---------------------
Aeschylus:
A Greek playwright back in 500 BC. Many historians consider him the
father of Greek tragedies.
How he died: An eagle dropped a tortoise on his head
According to legend, eagles picked up tortoises and attempt to crack
them open by dropping them on rocks. An eagle mistook Aeschylus' head
for a rock (he was bald) and dropped it on him instead.
---------------------
Jim Fixx:
Author of the best selling "Complete Book of Running," which started
the jogging craze of the 1970s.
How he died: A heart attack....while jogging
Fixx was visiting Greensboro, Vermont when he walked out of his house
and began jogging. He'd only gone a short distance when he had a massive
coronary. His autopsy revealed that one of his coronary arteries was 99%
clogged, another was 80% obstructed, and a third was 70% blocked....and
that Fixx had had three other attacks in the weeks prior to his death.
---------------------
And finally there's Lully, one of our favorite 16th-century composers,
who wrote music for the king of France.
While rehearsing the musicians, he got too serious beating time with his
staff, and drove it right through his foot. He died of infection.
From owner-humor@thalia.org Thu May 07 10:41:11 1998
Subject: humor: RFC for carrier pigeons
There were several of these submitted on this date... :)
--------------------------------------------------------
Network Working Group D. Waitzman
Request for Comments: 1149 BBN STC
1 April 1990
A Standard for the Transmission of IP Datagrams on Avian Carriers
Status of this Memo
This memo describes an experimental method for the encapsulation of
IP datagrams in avian carriers. This specification is primarily
useful in Metropolitan Area Networks. This is an experimental, not
recommended standard. Distribution of this memo is unlimited.
Overview and Rational
Avian carriers can provide high delay, low throughput, and low
altitude service. The connection topology is limited to a single
point-to-point path for each carrier, used with standard carriers,
but many carriers can be used without significant interference with
each other, outside of early spring. This is because of the 3D ether
space available to the carriers, in contrast to the 1D ether used by
IEEE802.3. The carriers have an intrinsic collision avoidance
system, which increases availability. Unlike some network
technologies, such as packet radio, communication is not limited to
line-of-sight distance. Connection oriented service is available in
some cities, usually based upon a central hub topology.
Frame Format
The IP datagram is printed, on a small scroll of paper, in
hexadecimal, with each octet separated by whitestuff and blackstuff.
The scroll of paper is wrapped around one leg of the avian carrier.
A band of duct tape is used to secure the datagram's edges. The
bandwidth is limited to the leg length. The MTU is variable, and
paradoxically, generally increases with increased carrier age. A
typical MTU is 256 milligrams. Some datagram padding may be needed.
Upon receipt, the duct tape is removed and the paper copy of the
datagram is optically scanned into a electronically transmittable
form.
Discussion
Multiple types of service can be provided with a prioritized pecking
order. An additional property is built-in worm detection and
eradication. Because IP only guarantees best effort delivery, loss
of a carrier can be tolerated. With time, the carriers are self-
regenerating. While broadcasting is not specified, storms can cause
data loss. There is persistent delivery retry, until the carrier
drops. Audit trails are automatically generated, and can often be
found on logs and cable trays.
Security Considerations
Security is not generally a problem in normal operation, but special
measures must be taken (such as data encryption) when avian carriers
are used in a tactical environment.
Author's Address
David Waitzman
BBN Systems and Technologies Corporation
BBN Labs Division
10 Moulton Street
Cambridge, MA 02238
Phone: (617) 873-4323
EMail: dwaitzman@BBN.COM
From owner-humor@thalia.org Fri May 08 09:28:24 1998
Subject: humor: a magical marketing moment
You remember when you heard that EVERYTHING was available on the Web?
http://www.boeing.com/defense-space/missiles/
It's true.
Date: Tue, 12 May 1998 10:55:31 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Air Force Switching From Unix to Windows NT 05.08.98
I do not have confirmation on this, but it gives the "blue screen of
death" an entirely new meaning, doesn't it? I also thought it a good
message to start out on the new UNIX server... enjoy!
----------------
Air Force Switching From Unix to Windows NT
05.08.98
NEWS BRIEFS
HPCwire
========================================================================
San Diego, CA -- As Bloomberg News and the San Diego Union-Tribune
reported, Microsoft stated that it as well as three other companies have
come to an agreement with the U.S. Air Force Electronic Systems Center to
convert military *command* and *control* systems to the Windows OS from
Unix.
Under the terms of the agreement, each company will spend its own funds
on the conversion project, said Microsoft spokesman Keith Hodson. No
budget has been set and the period of time is open ended, he said.
The agreement marks the first time any Defense Department organization
has publicly stated plans for moving key programs to Windows from Unix,
Microsoft said in a statement.
Microsoft will provide Windows NT software and consulting. Decision
Science Applications Inc., will provide Unix and Windows NT development.
Date: Wed, 13 May 1998 09:34:51 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: not for the geographically-impaired
The following are actual conversations between clients and travel agents.
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going
over all the cost info, she asked, "would it be cheaper to fly to
California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to
explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she
interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown
is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one,
I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."
Her response....click.
A secretary called in looking for hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me
various names off a list, none of which I could find. I finally had her
fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans,
Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles, and that New Orleans
was a suburb of L.A. Worst of all, when I called her back, she was not
even embarrassed.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was
wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an
ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is
in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the
map and Florida is a very thin state."
I got a call from a man who asked, "is it possible to see England from
Canada?" I said, "No." He said "but they look so close on the map."
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I
pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas.
When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was
a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that
her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I
tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she
could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the
plane went very fast, and she bought that!
A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on
your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do
you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put
a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any
connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into
it" ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for
Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on
her luggage.
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which
plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I
was told my flight number is 823, but none of these damn planes have
numbers on them."
A woman called and said, " I need to fly to pepsi-cola on one of those
computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter
plane. She said, "Yea, whatever."
A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed
in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I
reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many
times and never had to have one of those." I double checked, and sure
enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look,
I've been to China 4 times and every time they have accepted my American
Express."
Date: Thu, 14 May 1998 10:43:13 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Brutal Truth Toys
An "Anti-shopping" Trip with the Los Angeles Cacophony Society
by Rev. Al
I had been thinking for a long time about making cement filled teddy
bears. I wasn't exactly sure why. At first it was just a perceptual
curiosity I wanted to experience, and I wanted others to experience: the
idea of being handed what appeared to be a fluffy stuffed animal, only to
have it go tearing through your relaxed fingers like a lead meteor.
The Christmas shopping season seemed an ideal time to get them on the
shelves of Los Angeles toy stores, so late in November, members of the Los
Angeles Cacophony Society gathered in my backyard to gut several dozen
plush toys and replace their innards with Portland's finest.
We called them, "Cement Cuddlers".
Each bear wore a full-color laminated label identifying it as such
complete with bar code from another toy. Inside the folded tag was the
text:
Unfortunate Child, do not mistake me for a living thing,
nor seek in me the warmth denied you by your parents. For
beneath my plush surface lies a hardness as impervious and
unforgiving as this World's own indifference to your mortal
struggle. Hold on to me when you are sad, and I will weigh
you down, but bear this weight throughout your years, and
it will strengthen your limbs and harden your will so that
one day no man dare oppose you.
The target was easy to select. Not far away was a large not-to-be-named
toystore, the biggest and newest of the chain in Southern California, a
massive thing like the newly christened Titanic just begging for its
iceberg.
By 10:30, around a dozen Cacophonists had slipped in managing to place
several bears on the shelves without arousing suspicion. Not content to
just leave them there we appointed Cacophonist Todd to help direct the
management's attention to our prank. At 10:35 Todd entered, located a
Cuddler, and brought it to the register, informing the cashier he
couldn't find the price.
Predictably, as he placed the innocent looking toy in those unwary
hands, it went crashing to the floor like a particularly heavy bowling
ball. After this, it just got worse. Todd began to demand a speedier price
check, insisting that he had only minutes to complete this transaction
before it would be too late to bring the bear to his nephew who was, as he
repeated many times for our benefit, "in the hospital with a skin rash."
This element of his story, however, did not appear to provoke the
suspicion of the clerk, who apparently had no difficulty in imagining her
customer entering the children's ward not long before 11 PM to dump a lump
of fur-covered construction material in the lap of an ailing youngster.
However, as Todd's volume increased, backups arrived. One of the more
astute clerks commented that she had never seen this toy before and wished
to know what shelf it had come from. Indignantly Todd led them to the
appropriate place. A half dozen clerks, and several customers gathered
round in bewilderment, passing the four bears amongst themselves and
shaking their heads.
I eventually moved into earshot, and heard one woman reading the tag
aloud. "That's really deep!" she exclaimed. I could no longer resist. I
moved in to express curiosity about this toy.
"Oh! That's a cute bear," I remarked as I reached for a Cuddler. Without
warning, it was placed in my hands, which naturally were prepared to be
unprepared for its weight. Another thunderous crash! Now I was outraged!
"Look here!" I said. "The labels say, for ages 2-10! How could "Nameless
Toystore Chain" sell such a dangerous toy to 2-year-olds!"
Eventually I was calmed and began contemplating buying one for an older
nephew. Cacophonist Frank became interested in buying one too. We all went
to the register.
Thanks to the fully functional bar code, the farce continued. However,
the bar code used was from another toy, and so the computer identified the
toy as: Alien Face Hugger $1.99. More panic and confusion. The manager was
called. In the chaos, the bears are handed back and forth a few times more
giving Todd one more opportunity to let one fall, this time "on his foot"
(about 4 inches from his toes). He begins to wail and pulls off his shoe
and sock. The clerks are incredulous.
"Would you say he dropped that on his foot?" one says to me.
"I don't want to get involved," I say, secretly gesturing that Todd
seems crazy.
The manager arrives, and he is young and sour-looking. Easily a control
freak. We feel he is our divinely ordained victim.
They explain the difficulty with the scans, but he seems to pay little
attention to the computer. Instead his eyes keep darting to Todd as he
leaps around on one foot howling about the lethal bears to other
customers.
"Come with me, sir. We'll see what we can do for you," he snaps,
dragging Todd off to his little manager pen.
Frank and I continue as good cops to Todd's bad cop routine, but
continue to hover at the register insisting on the purchase. We discuss
with the clerks how troubled Todd seems and reread the label.
"This is weird," one clerk finally realizes, "a Teddy Bear literally
filled with cement."
I suggest it might be a doorstop for children's bedrooms.
Then a ray of light descends on Nameless Toystore. "It's like a joke
someone's playing or something," says one of our blue-vested assistants.
"You mean," asks Frank, with wonderfully stylized naivete, "like someone
made them themselves? Maybe just this weekend? Took out the stuffing and
replaced it with cement?"
"Or maybe that crazy guy did," says the clerk.
"No, no. Can't be," I say. "Why would he insist on buying from you
something he made himself. That's illogical!"
Suddenly we hear Todd's voice booming again from the front of the store.
They have emerged from the manager pen.
This will mean so much to Bobby. God Bless you!" And he leaves with the
bear in bag. $1.99! Lucky bastard!
Manager-man hurries to the counter with his panicky stick-up-the-ass
gait, one ear pressed to a cellular, doubtlessly consulting the Nameless
Toystore overlords. We mob him, insisting to know the price arrived at.
"They're not for sale."
We are incredulous, indignant. "This item is discontinued." He bites off
the word and rushes to the shelves to haul the Cuddlers away. We continue
to needle him as he gathers the bears. Suddenly, he swings around holding
the furry blocks of cement as if he might do some harm. Perspiration has
appeared on his forehead.
"Look!" he sputters, "I don't know how these things got on the shelves!
They DON'T track correctly on the computer. I've never seen them
before. I have NO explanation. It's like someone's playing a joke on MY
STORE!"
It's in that word "my". You can tell. He's gotten that look like he's
just seen the first crack in the brand new ceiling. We understand that if
that crack widens by even a hairline, he's going to see through it. He
already suspects Todd. He is probably 90 seconds from realizing that we're
all part of it.
And so we decide to take advantage of our time.
"Could you at least tell us the manufacturer so maybe we could order the
toy?"
He whips the label over, and reads, Brutal Truth Toys.
This is a good time to leave. There's still a half hour before
midnight, so we take advantage of the energy we've gathered to make a few
prank phone calls. I call a rival Nameless Toystore asking for Cement
Cuddlers.
I'm put on hold and another clerk picks up the phone and claims to have
actually pulled up the info on my Cement Cuddlers on the computer. He
tells me I can get a raincheck. Sadly, when I ask for the stock number, he
suddenly loses the record that he "just had, just a minute ago".
After going through three or four baffled and fairly easy to baffle
clerks, I finally get to the manager. I am slightly indignant at the
delays and feigned ignorance of a product I JUST PURCHASED THAT VERY NIGHT
at their rival, the new Burbank store, we'd just invaded. The manager
explains that this new store carries certain promotional items not
available to the other stores because it is the newest and largest. I
detect a note of envy in his voice, and soften my approach. I become
confidential and ask if the new store hired away a lot of good workers.
"You know," I tell him, "I know it's big and everything, but it's so
new... I mean, they didn't quite seem to have it all together yet." He
agrees. He's heard rumors to this effect. "All the employees seemed, I
don't know... nervous somehow. It's like the store's too big for them to
handle. I get a nervous feeling when I go in there."
He knows what I mean.
"I think it's that manager, maybe. He seemed so tense and kinda angry
somehow. He doesn't give me a good feeling. He seems a little odd. Have
you heard anything like this?"
He's heard some funny things about this upstart.
"Yeah. Odd manager. Odd store. Come to think of it this whole cement
teddy bear thing is pretty odd. Maybe this was just a special thing he
wanted to order. Maybe they were his idea." He agrees, but he won't call
the other store to see if they still have them in stock there. So I tell
him I'll check back later.
And I will. It was a good night, and we still have 18 more bears to
distribute.
Date: Fri, 15 May 1998 09:49:55 -0400
Subject: humor: Cat Laws
...Cat Laws...
1 - Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some
outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying
mouse.
2 - Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good
reason to change direction.
3 - Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct
proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
4 - Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a
cat, all heat flows to the cat.
5 - Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the
nap just taken.
6 - Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as
uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.
7 - Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any
countertop, that has anything remotely interesting on it.
8 - Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and
ready to stop.
9 - Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
10 - Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state, for very long.
11 - Law of Obediance Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for
her to do something.
12 - First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and
will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
13 - Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored, by a lot of
napping.
14 - Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come
along and take out something good to eat.
15 - Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the
speed of light.
16 - Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will will always seek, and usually take over, the most
comfortable spot in any given room.
17 - Law of Bag / Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the
earliest possible nanosecond.
18 - Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment
times the amount of human laughter.
19 - Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he
can.
20 - Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to
the cost of the furniture.
21 - Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible.
22 - Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the
amount of milk consumed.
23 - Law of Cat Disinterest
A cats interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the
amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
24 - Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape
velocity.
25 - Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
26 - Law of Selective Listening
Although a cat can hear a can of tuna being opened a mile away,
she can't hear a simple command three feet away.
27 - Law of Equidistant Separation
All cats in a given room will locate at points equidistant from
each other, and equidistant from the center of the room.
28 - Law of Cat Invisibility
Cats think that if they can't see you, then you can't see them.
29 - Law of Space-Time Continuum
Given enough time, a cat will land in just about any space.
30 - Law of Concentration of Mass
A cat's mass increases in direct proportion to the comfort of the
lap she occupies.
31 - Law of Cat Probability (Cat's Uncertainty Principle)
It is not possible to predict where a cat actually is, only the
probability of where she "might" be.
32 - Law of Cat Obedience
As yet undiscovered.
Date: Mon, 18 May 1998 10:09:53 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Microsoft goes on offense
[ Forwards looking for cheap land on Indian sub-continent ]
MICROSOFT TESTS NUCLEAR DEVICE AT SECRET HANFORD FACILITY
REDMOND (BNN)--World leaders reacted with stunned silence as Microsoft
Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a secret facility in
eastern Washington state. The device, exploded at 9:22 am PDT (1622
GMT/12:22 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide with talks between
Microsoft and the US Department of Justice over possible antitrust action.
"Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by any and
all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not that I'm
anti-government" he continued, "but there would be few tears shed in the
computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath of nuclear fire."
Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly dropped
my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained University of Washington
geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought it was Mt. Rainier,
and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain bike vacation."
In Washington, President Clinton announced the US Government would boycott
all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the President reversed
his decision. "We've tried sanctions since lunchtime, and they don't
work," said the President. Instead, the administration will initiate a
policy of "constructive engagement" with Microsoft.
Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test
justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear
Reservation from the US Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire
"kilograms of weapons grade plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold, "but
we've finally found a place to dump those millions of unsold copies of
Microsoft Bob." Myrhvold warned users not to replace Microsoft NT products
with rival operating systems. "I can neither confirm nor deny the
existence of a radioisotope thermoelectric generator inside of every
Pentium II microprocessor," said Myrhvold, "but anyone who installs an OS
written by a bunch of long-hairs on the Internet is going to get what they
deserve."
The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II microprocessor would explain
why the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run so hot. The
Intel chips "put out more heat than they draw in electrical power" said
Prof. E. E. Thymes of MIT. "This should finally dispell those stories
about cold fusion."
Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in
California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They're doing all
of the development work in Java," said one source close to the project.
The development of a delivery system is said to be holding up progress.
"Write once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at the moment."
Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs was
rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about deploying
Apple's Newton technology against Microsoft. "Newton was the biggest bomb
the Valley had developed in years," said one hardware engineer. "I'd hate
to be around when they drop that product a second time."
Copyright 1998 by the Bogus News Network.
Date: Tue, 19 May 1998 09:35:01 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Anagrams
An Anagram, as we all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or
rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following examples
are quite astounding!
Dormitory == Dirty Room
Evangelist == Evil's Agent
Desperation == A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code == Here Come Dots
Slot Machines == Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity == Is No Amity
Mother-in-law == Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms == Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness == Genuine Class
Semolina == Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries == Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point == I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes == That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two == Twelve plus one
Contradiction == Accord not in it
[From Hamlet by Shakespeare]
To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind
to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.
ANAGRAMS INTO:
In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero,
Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.
Politicians:
George Herbert Walker Bush = Huge Berserk Rebel Warthog
George Bush == He bugs Gore
Ronald Wilson Reagan = A long-insane Warlord (or Insane Anglo Warlord)
Ronald Reagan == A darn long era
Leroy Newton Gingrich = Yon Right-winger Clone
Margaret Thatcher = That great charmer
The Conservative Party = Teacher in vast poverty
And the grand finale:
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind."
-- Neil A. Armstrong
ANAGRAMS INTO:
A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon! On
to Mars!
Date: Wed, 20 May 1998 10:18:57 -0400
Subject: humor: The Young Gunslinger
The Young Gunslinger
It's 1880, the decade of gunslingers and gentlemen. This is a story
of one such young man that wanted more than anything to be the fastest
and most respected gunslinger in the west.
The place was Dodge City, Kansas in the Sawdust Saloon. The young man
walked into the Sawdust Saloon and, to his surprise, saw Bat Masterson
sitting at a table playing poker. The young man walked up to Bat and
said, "Mr. Masterson, I would like to be a gunslinger just like you.
Could you give me some tips?"
Bat Masterson put his cards down, looked up at the boy and said, "Son,
I don't usually give out tips like this cause it could someday be
detrimental to my health, but step back and let me take a look at you."
The boy stepped back and Mr. Masterson said, "You look good. You're
wearing black, you've got two ivory handled guns with waxed holsters,
and you look like a gunslinger. But what's more important, son, is: Can
you shoot?"
The young man, happy to show how good he was, quickly drew his pistol
from his right holster and without aiming shot the cuff link off of the
piano player's right sleeve.
Bat Masterson said, "That's good shooting son, but can you shoot with
your left hand?"
Before Masterson could even finish, the boy had already drawn the
pistol from his left holster and shot the cuff link off of the piano
player's left shirt sleeve. Very proud of himself the young man blew
the smoke away from his six shooter and holstered his gun. "How was
that?" the boy asked Masterson.
Bat Masterson smiled and looked up and the boy and said, "That was
pretty good shooting son. I couldn't do better than that myself, but I
do have one good tip for you."
"What's that?" the boy asked.
"I suggest that you go to the kitchen and ask the cook for a large can
of lard. Then take both guns of yours and stick them down deep in the
lard."
Puzzled the young gunslinger asked Masterson why he should do that.
Masterson put his cards down again, leaned back in his chair, and
said, "Well son, when Mr. Earp gets done playing the piano over there,
he's going to take those two guns of yours and. . . "
The boy didn't wait for the rest of the answer.
Date: Thu, 21 May 1998 09:23:05 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Macrosoft
TOP TEN MICROSOFT NON-MONOPOLISTIC SLOGANS
10) Competition is good. 90% market share is better.
9) We're disappointed that the US government failed to reach a reasonable
settlement with Microsoft. We thought that our press release last year
about Microsoft buying the US government took care of these little details.
8) We support a free marketplace. So long as our support is visibly
branded everywhere, at any price.
7) The Road Ahead: Revised edition, "How to avoid the sink holes."
6) When in doubt, spend gobs of cash on ads in all the major newspapers
on a one-day rampage against government. That always beats befriending
politicians and bureaucrats.
5) We value our customers. That's why we only charge $75 per question on
our toll-free tech support phone lines! (Hey, at least the phone call is
free)!
4) Just because our marketing memos effectively caught us with our pants
down and our hands in the cookiee jar, doesn't mean we can't bully our way
out of this mess.
3) We love the idea of competition. That's why we bought a huge chunk of
Apple.
2) The US economy depends heavily on Microsoft's ability to release
Windows98 on time. Yeah, and that also proves how insignificant and
non-monopolistic we are as compared to our software competitors.
and finally,
1) No Netscape for you!
Date: Fri, 22 May 1998 09:38:59 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Bad Opening Lines
Subject: Fwd: "Best" Opening Line
The Edward Bulwer Lytton prize is awarded every year to the author of
the worst possible opening line of a book. This has been so successful
that Penguin now publishes five books-worth of entries.
Some recent winners:
"As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in
the sound chamber he would never hear the end of it."
"Just beyond the Narrows the river widens."
"With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned
unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep
azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied
for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that
defied description."
"Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along
the east wall: "Andre creep . . . Andre creep . . .Andre creep."
"Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was
about to give his body and soul to a back-alley sex-change surgeon--to
become the woman he loved."
"Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from
seeking out a living at a local pet store."
"Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often
do."
"Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the
corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."
"Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of
the word "fear," a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in
the eye of death--in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies.
AND THE BEST OF ALL:
"The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the
greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window,
revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in
frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her,
disbelieving the magnitude of the toad's deception, screaming madly,
"You lied!"
Date: Tue, 26 May 1998 09:21:14 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Driver Recognition
please check your stereotypes at the door...
--------------------------------------------
HOW TO IDENTIFY WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM:
One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York
One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator:
Boston
One hand on wheel, one hand cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator
California; with gun in lap: L.A.
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror:
Ohio, but driving in California.
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to
talk to someone in back seat: Italy
One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, one hand cradling cell phone foot on
brake, mind on game: Seattle
One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both
feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds
bag out the window: Texas city male
One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily
at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind
curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country
male
One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different
angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail
to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle
steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle
in the glove compartment: Texas female
Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly
checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their
own or another's car: Colorado
Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans
on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male.
Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now
wearing a barrel: Las Vegas
Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level,
driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on:
Florida.
Date: Wed, 27 May 1998 10:35:43 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Assume a perfectly spherical Jesus
Theological Engineering Exam
5 Questions, 60 Minutes.
You may use a calculator, the Bible, the Koran, the Torah, and the Book of
Mormon. The speed of light is c. Show all work. For all problems, assume a
perfectly spherical Jesus of constant density D. No praying during the
exam.
1. (20 pts.) Bob and Joe are standing on a street corner. God loves each
an equal amount L_0. Bob then accelerates to .9c. In Joe's rest frame, how
much does God now love Bob?
2. Sven, a Catholic, is in a state of grace. He then has sex with sheep S.
a. (8 pts.) What is Sven's atonement coefficient following the act if
the sheep was not willing?
b. (12 pts.) What if the sheep, while not technically being willing,
could not be said to mind either?
3. (20 pts.) Let the eternal, all abiding love of the Holy Spirit be the
xy plane. Let Sue's soul be at (0,0,5) at t = 0 sec., traveling at 5 m/s
in the direction of the positive z axis. Everything is in Cartesian
coordinates bespeaking subscription to a perfectly rational Enlightenment
attitude towards the Universe. At what time t will Sue be saved? (Hint:
Assume a point soul.)
4. (20 pts.) Assume the Rapture occurs at time t. Cornelia, a saved human
weighing 90 kg, in a state of grace, has her head in the closing jaws of
an alligator at time t. What mass of meat will remain to the alligator at
time t + 10 sec.?
5. Stan is a frictionless, massless Mormon in a rest state. His sin level
for his faith is currently 11 McBeals. He eats .3 kg of pork, and enjoys
it very much. Assume that the Jews are right about, well, pretty much,
everything.
a. (10 pts.) What is Stan's sin level now?
b. (10 pts.) Stan is one of them Salt Lake CIty Mormons. He ain't so
damn smug now, is he?
Extra Credit (10 pts): 25 grams of wafers and 20 ml of cheap wine undergo
transubstantiation and become the flesh and blood of our Lord. How many
Joules of heat are released by the transformation?
Hand in exam when done, and may God have mercy on your work.
Date: Thu, 28 May 1998 10:11:06 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Viagra Theft!
Following the approval of Viagra by the UK's health authorities, the
first shipment arrived yesterday at Heathrow airport, but was hijacked on
the way to the depot.
Scotland Yard has warned the public to be on the lookout for a gang of
hardened criminals.
Date: Fri, 29 May 1998 11:02:33 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Yet More Bumper Snickers
Extreme Bumper Stickers
========================
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
Support Cannibalism-EAT ME!
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
Keep honking while I reload.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...or something like that.
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Thanks for looking!
Now, please go back to the archives...