May 99...
Date: Mon, 3 May 1999 10:08:34 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Options
A wife woke of the middle of the night to find her husband missing from
bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing
from the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs,
she found her husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing.
"Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so
much.
"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant?"
"And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?"
"Yes, of course," she replied.
"Well, I would have been released tonight."
Date: Tue, 4 May 1999 10:24:37 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: words English has dropped
Methomania: An irresistible desire for intoxicating substances.
Pastorauling: Playing at 'shepherds and shepherdesses'; used of lovers
walking in the fields together.
Dress-Lodger: A woman boarded, fed, and clothed by another, and paying by
prostitution.
Bleezed: Signifies the state of one on whom intoxicating liquor begins to
operate. It especialy denotes the change produced in the expression of
the countenance.
Sproag: To run among the haystacks after the girls at night.
Sororiant virgin: A young maid whose breasts began to be embossed and
round, or set out for a show.
Stirrup-dram: A glass of ardent spirits, or draught of ale, given by the
landlord of an inn to his guest when about to depart on horseback.
Rigmutton: A wanton wench that is ready to ride upon men's backs, or else
passively to be their romp-stall.
Choplogic: A contentious, sophistical arguer.
Diet-drink: A medicated liquor.
Green gown: To give a lass green gown is to throw her down upon the grass
so that the gown was stained.
Dammerel: An effeminate man, over-fond of the society of women and
disinclined to that of his own.
Satyriasis: An irresistible desire in man to have frequent connexion with
females, accompanied with the power of doing so without exhaustion.
Woolward: Without any linen next to one's body, or "to go woolward," in
wool only without linen, often enjoined as a penance by the Church of
Rome.
Bang-rape: A rope with a noose, used by thieves in carrying off corn or
hay. (get your minds out of the gutter...)
Dipsomania: An inordinate or insane craving for alcoholic stimulants.
Date: Wed, 5 May 1999 11:59:11 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Hollywood definitions
HOLLYWOOD DICTIONARY
VERBS
To schmooze - befriend scum
To pitch - grovel shamelessly
To brainstorm - feign preparedness
To research - procrastinate indefinitely
To network - spread misinformation
To collaborate - argue incessantly
To freelance - collect unemployment
NOUNS
Agent - frustrated lawyer
Lawyer - frustrated producer
Producer - frustrated writer
Writer - frustrated director
Director - frustrated actor
Actor - frustrated human
COMPOUND WORDS
High concept - low brow
Production values1 - gore
Production values2 - explosions
Entry level - pays nothing
Network approved - has made them money before
Highly qualified - blew the producer
FINANCIAL TERMS
Net - something that apparently doesn't exist
Gross - Michael Eisner's salary
Back End - you, if you think you'll ever see any
Residuals - braces for the kids
Deferral - don't hold your breath
Points - see "-Net" - or "-Back End"
COMMON PHRASES
You can trust me - You must be new
It needs some polishing - Change everything
It shows promise - It sucks
It needs some fine tuning - Change everything
She got great press - She'll never live down the embarrassment
I'd like some input - I want total control
It needs some honing - Change everything
Call me back next week - Stay out of my life
It needs some tightening - Change everything
Try and punch it up - I have no idea what I want
It needs some streamlining - Change everything
It's all up on the screen - You'll never find the money I embezzled
You'll never work in this town again - I have no power whatsoever
Date: Thu, 6 May 1999 05:07:19 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Bagpipe Funnies
------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.
-----------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
-----------------------------------------------------
Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit
any of the ducks.
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Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
-----------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune the lawn mower.
-----------------------------------------------------
Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for
directions: an in-tune bagpipe player, an out-of-tune
bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
A. The out-of-tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you
have been hallucinating.
-------------------------------------------------------
Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
A. Add vibrato.
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Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.
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Q. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and
dead bagpiper in the road?
A. Skid marks in front of the snake.
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Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road
and a dead country singer in the road?
A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording
session.
------------------------------------------------------
Q.. What's the range of a bagpipe?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.
----------------------------------------------------
Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.
-----------------------------------------------------
Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.
-----------------------------------------------------
If you took all the bagpipers in the world and laid them
end to end -- it would be a good idea.
------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do you call ten bagpipes at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start.
------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. To get away from the sound.
------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the definition of "optimism"
A. A bagpiper with a beeper.
+----------------------------------+
Did you hear the one about the bagpiper who parked his
car with the windows open, forgetting that he had left his
bagpipes in the back seat?
He rushed back as soon as he realised it, but it was too
late -- someone had already put another set of bagpipes in the car!
Date: Fri, 7 May 1999 10:28:02 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Sports
After a two year long study, the National Science Foundation announced
the following results on corporate America's recreation preferences.
1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: Basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling.
3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf.
Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller
your balls become.
Date: Mon, 10 May 1999 10:56:51 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: QOTD- Who reached the top of Everest first?
Off of NBC; referring to the discovery of Mallory's remains on Mt. Everest
------------
The discovery instantly renewed debate over whether Mallory and possibly
his younger, less experienced climbing partner, Andrew Irvine, who also
died on the mountain might have been the first to reach the summit. If
one or both did, the feat came nearly 30 years before Sir Edmund Hillary
and Sherpa Tenzing Norgay accomplished it.
Hillary, now 79 and living in New Zealand, saluted Mallory on Tuesday as
"a pretty heroic figure" and said, "I don't think it would worry me too
much if it was discovered (he) had been there before me".”
Hillary added, "Of course, he didn't get down again, so he didn't quite
complete the job fully."”
Date: Tue, 11 May 1999 10:56:51 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Beer Drinking
The presidents of Coors , Budweiser, Miller, Guinness and a few others
were at an international beer conference. The first four above all go to
lunch together and the waitress asks what they want to drink. The Coors
guy proudly asks for Coors, the Bud president asks for a Bud, the Miller
president asks for a Miller. The guy from Guinness says, "I'll have a
Coke." The others look at him like he has sprouted a new head. He just
shrugs and says, "If you guys aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."
Date: Thu, 13 May 1999 08:51:57 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Thought for the day
A company is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at
different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down. The monkeys on
top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the
bottom look up and see nothing but buttholes and boot bottoms.
Date: Fri, 14 May 1999 10:57:04 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: japanese banks
from my friend in the banking business...
----------
Update on the Japanese Banking Crisis:
According to our inside contacts the Japanese banking crisis shows no
signs of improvement. If anything, it's getting worse.
Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing
that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of
its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is going for a song.
Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back office
staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something
fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.
Date: Mon, 17 May 1999 10:38:07 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Your column
Regarding your "story" on April 25, 1999 titled
"A REBELLIOUS REACTION TO THE LINUX REVOLUTION"
http://www.chicagotribune.com/business/printedition/article/0,1051,SAV-9904250051,00.html
Frankly, I couldn't disagree with you more. Microsoft is not just a
Software company, they are the very cancellation of all that is good in
the universe. Through unethical business practices, they have made
themselves what they are today. One day you may find yourself not only
rooting for the dragon, but cleaning up his feces on your hands and knees
as a slave.
People who support Open Software do so not to overthrow the dragon, but
so that the self-thought challenged, mice in the maze, waiting for their
Microsoft(tm)-brand treat will have somewhere to go when they realize that
Reverend Sun Myung Gates has led them down the path of damnation.
Of course, this is even before we go over the fact that they have a
pretty shoddy product to begin with. It seems strange that one is willing
to accept a computer operating system with known bugs, of which you
generally need to pay for the "fixed" versions, but would never accept
regular french fries when they ordered curly fries.
Windows98 didn't make your computer "go faster"; it was already fast.
They just made Windows suck a bit less, and if you keep buying, they'll
keep giving you treats. Maybe some day, they'll take out the intentional
GPF's.
{Next week in the Chicago Tribune: "Satan isn't really that bad, at least
there isn't snow in hell" by James Coates}
[ObDisclaimer: These statements do not necessarily reflect the views
of my employer]
[ObDisclaimer2: As a non-christian, my reference to Satan(tm) (a registered
trademark of Vatican Industries), does not endorse their Best Selling piece
of Fiction entitled "The Holy Bible" pts 1 and the ever-popular sequel.
The use of this mark is meant to be parody, and is protected fair-use.]
Date: Tue, 18 May 1999 10:59:21 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Announcement
>From news.admin.net-abuse.email:
Subject: Holy War declared on Spam
Author: Pope Giovanni Paolo Fisichella XVIb1
Date: 1999/03/17
Forum: news.admin.net-abuse.email
CITTA' DEL VATICANO
Roma, 17 Marzo, MCMXCIX
------------------------------------
A MESSAGE to INTERNET CITIZENS
FROM HIS HOLINESS
Pope Giovanni Paolo Fisichella XVIb1
------------------------------------
For immediata releasa
Broders and Sisters, it has happened again, samabody has again
spammed pope@vatican.va. This time "suzi-big-boobs" want I come see
her teen web site, and is big lie because she no 17 at all, she
definately more like 47 (well, so samabody tell me).
Therefore I am declaring now Holy War on Spam. The Vatican City has
drafted new regulations, effective immediately, to put cork on pork:
Article I:
All spammers will be excommunicated. Once excommunicated they will
not be recommunicated unless they pay a recommunication fee.
Article II:
All spams which have travelled over many cost-shiftings to get to
your disks should no longer die in your bin, this horrible carnage
must stop. Instead you must assist all spams to get home again. The
Vatican City has designated 'The Direct Marketing Association' as
the official 'Home Of Spam' and I urge all Broders and Sisters to
no more waste spam and instead to return all spam home to
dma@the-dma.org, pr@the-dma.org, membership@the-dma.org, etc.
(my nuns are out looking for more DMA addresses).
AVE CESARE PANETTONE
Date: Thu, 20 May 1999 10:49:00 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: The Ballad of the Y2k (full version)
The Ballad Of the Y2K
(sing to the tune of "Gilligan's Island")
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale
Of the doom that is our fate.
That started when programmers used
Two digits for a date
Two digits for a date
RAM memory was smaller then;
Hard drives were tiny, too.
"Four digits are extravagant,
So let's get by with two.
So let's get by with two."
"This works through 1999,"
The programmers did say.
"Unless we write new code by then
The data goes away.
The data goes away."
But management had not a clue;
"It works fine now, you bet!
Rewriting code cost money,
We won't do it just yet.
We won't do it just yet."
Now when 2000 rolls around
It all goes straight to hell,
For zero less then ninety-nine,
As anyone can tell.
As anyone can tell.
The mail won't bring your pension check;
It won't be sent to you
When you're no longer sixty-eight
But minus thirty-two.
But minus thirty-two.
The problems we're about to face
Are frightening, for sure.
And reading every line of code's
The only certain cure.
The only certain cure
There's not much time, there's too much code,
And COBOL-coders, few.
When the century is finished,
We may be finished, too.
We may be finished, too.
Date: Fri, 21 May 1999 11:02:07 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: You might enjoy this
The residents of Silicon Valley are more confused than usual after a
billboard campaign by the National Multiple Sclerosis Society of America.
One of the ads uses the slogan: "MS: It's not a software company"
Exploiting the fame of a certain company to draw attention to an
altogether worthier cause. Requests to comment on the campaign have been
met by a surly silence by Microsoft which doesn't relish the association
of ideas, but is painfully aware that it can't afford to appear
insensitive over such an issue.
Seasoned IT professionals will have no trouble telling the two MS's
apart:
- One is a debilitating and surprisingly widespread affliction that
renders the sufferer barely able to perform the simplest task.
- The other is a disease.
Date: Mon, 24 May 1999 11:05:54 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Tray Tops
Once upon a time, I was on a plane where I was served by an obviously
homosexual male flight attendant. At one point, he bounced over to where
I was sitting and announced "The Captain has asked me to announce that he
will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up
your trays, that would be great."
I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not. A
few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her: "Ma'am,
perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you to
please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane."
She still wouldn't comply. Now he was getting angry and asked her again
to put up the tray. She then calmly turned to him and said: "In my
country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one."
Our flight attendant replied: "Oh yeah? Well in MY country, I'm called a
queen and I outrank you, bitch, so put the tray up!"
Date: Tue, 25 May 1999 11:01:38 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Semper Fi, Mac! Message-ID:
Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat
next to the two Marines.
The soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in
when the Marine in the window seat said: "I think I'll get up and get a
Coke."
"No problem," said the soldier. "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier's shoe and spit in
it. When the soldier returned with the coke, the other Marine said: "That
looks good, I think I'll have one, too."
Again, the soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone,
the Marine picked up the other shoe and spit in it.
The soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight
to Houston.
As the plane was landing, the soldier slipped his feet into his shoes
and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" the soldier asked. "This fighting between
our groups? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and
pissing in cokes?"
Date: Wed, 26 May 1999 11:05:13 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: George Mason University
from their catalog:
"USArmy basic training will be accepted as fulfilling the physical
education requirements upon display of the DD214."
like, duh...
Date: Thu, 27 May 1999 10:29:26 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Watch what you say
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her
mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color
of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried
to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment,
then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
Date: Fri, 28 May 1999 14:30:52 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: hurricanes
Why were hurricanes normally named after women?
When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house
and car with them.
Thanks for looking!
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