November 2000...
Date: Thu, 2 Nov 2000 14:27:11 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: WKRP flashback...
remember this moment? :)
-------------------
Les: No parachutes yet. Can't be skydivers... I can't tell just yet what
they are, but - Oh my God, Johnny, they're turkeys!! Johnny, can you get
this? Oh, they're plunging to the earth right in front of our eyes! One just
went through the windshield of a parked car! Oh, the humanity! The turkeys
are hitting the ground like sacks of wet cement! Not since the Hindenberg
tragedy has there been anything like this!
Johnny: Les? Are you there? Les isn't there. (composing himself) Thanks for
that on-the-spot report, Les, and for those of you who just tuned in, the
Pinedale Shopping Mall has just been bombed with live turkeys. Film at
eleven.
Jennifer: But Mr Colly, a lot of turkeys don't make it through Thanksgiving!
Venus: Les! Are you okay?
Les: I don't know. A man and his two children tried to kill me. After the
turkeys hit the pavement, the crowd kind of scattered, but some of them
tried to attack me! I had to jam myself into a phone booth! Then Mr
Carlson had the helicopter land in the middle of the parking lot. I guess
he thought he could save the day by turning the rest of the turkeys
loose. It gets pretty strange after that.
Andy: Les, c'mon now, tell us the rest.
Les: I really don't know how to describe it. It was like the turkeys mounted
a counterattack! It was almost as if they were... organized!!
Mr Carlson: As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.
Date: Tue, 7 Nov 2000 09:51:26 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: How's This For A Review
Well, the English language has a word that means: "I have listened to
what you have to say and I understand the points you are trying to make,
but I find your argument utterly unconvincing. That word is 'bullshit',
and this book is full of it."
Date: Wed, 8 Nov 2000 11:23:23 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: QOTD
"So I'm basically just like John Lee Hooker?"
Mary Prankster, in response to criticism by an Ocean City nightclub owner
that her music was "just storytelling and swearing"...
Date: Thu, 9 Nov 2000 08:39:22 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: The happy hamster
A True Story by W. Bruce Cameron
Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his
room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.
"Oldest trick in the book, son," I informed him. "You go in to see what's
wrong with the sick one and the other one sneaks up behind you and bonks you
on the head. Then they change into your clothes and escape."
"I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?" I put my best hamster-healer expression
on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was
indeed lying on his back, looking distressed. I immediately knew what to do.
Call the professional.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"
"Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what did you want me to do, post a sign in their cage,?" she
inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, in my most
loving, sweet voice.
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys," she informed me.
(Again with the sarcasm you think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a
wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of
birth."
"OH, Gross,!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to do with a litter of
tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she
was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
"Well, when my parents' dogs had puppies, I took them up to the grocery
store in a cardboard box and gave them away," I recalled.
"So what are you going to do, go up with a pair of tweezers so people can
pick out their hamster?" she asked. (Gotta love her!)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"A breech birth," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried again, with the
same results.
"Should I dial 911,?" my daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk
us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with my females?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe,
Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can
be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but
this boy is "of her womb," for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, an epidermal?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak
to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In
fact, that isn't EVER going to happen ...Ernie is a boy."
"What!?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into
maturity, male hamsters will, master,er,er,ah..." He blushed, glancing at my
wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just...Excited?" my
wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence.
Then my vicious, cruel woman started to giggle. And giggle. And then even
laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that
the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless
Manliness. Tears were now running down her face.
"Just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny, little..."
she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the veterinarian and hurriedly
bundled the hamster and our son back into the car. He was glad everything
was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie is really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing into laughter as I
gave her a dirty look. (And women have the gall to go though the marriage
ceremony with a completely straight face. It's scary!)
Date: Fri, 10 Nov 2000 08:57:07 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Happy Veterans' Day
It is the soldier, not the reporter,
Who has given us freedom of the press.
It is the soldier, not the poet,
Who has given us freedom of speech.
It is the soldier, not the campus organizer,
Who has given us the freedom to demonstrate.
It is the soldier,
Who salutes the flag,
Who serves beneath the flag,
And whose coffin is draped by the flag,
Who allows the protester to burn the flag.
-- Father Denis Edward O'Brien, U.S. Marine Corps
Date: Mon, 13 Nov 2000 09:00:42 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: QOTD
"I am the terror that flaps in the night! I am...apparently all out of my
trademark blue smoke..."
Darkwing Duck
Date: Tue, 14 Nov 2000 08:33:13 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Election results
From UPI
London, 13th November 2000
To the citizens of the United States of America,
Following your failure to elect a candidate as President of the USA to
govern yourselves and, by extension, the free world, we hereby give notice
of the revocation of your independence. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
Elizabeth II will resume a monarch's duties over all states, commonwealths
and other territories.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, please comply
with the following acts:
1. Look up "revoke" in a dictionary
2. Learn at least the first 4 lines of "God save the Queen"
3. Start referring to "soccer" as football
4. Declare war on Quebec
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisiton of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your cooperation and...have a nice day!
Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2000 10:14:20 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: THE Best Quote Of The Day
"YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT THOSE OLD LADIES IN PALM BEACH CAN PLAY 15 BINGO
CARDS SIMULTANEOUSLY - BUT CAN'T PUNCH A BALLOT!"
Date: Thu, 16 Nov 2000 09:39:27 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: As Timely As You Can Ever Get
quote shipped to me today...
-----
"The people who vote decide nothing. The people who count the vote
decide everything."
-Josef Stalin.
Date: Fri, 17 Nov 2000 08:44:55 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: perceptions
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging
their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the
other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."
The other hooks his thumb behind him says, "Dog poop, 20 feet back."
Date: Mon, 20 Nov 2000 13:21:52 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: election humor, again...
The two major party presidential candidates today agreed that Americans
are seeing too much inappropriate material in popular entertainment.
However, they disagreed on the details.
The Republican candidate, George W. Bush, stated that there is too much
bloody violence in the movies and on television. Vice President Al Gore,
his Democratic opponent, stated meanwhile that the media present Americans
with too much sex and frontal nudity.
In other words, Bush says there is too much gore and Gore says there is
too much bush.
Date: Tue, 21 Nov 2000 08:46:14 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Bloody nose for Bush...
"Even if George W. Bush is the next president, I think he will be forced
to accept this change in the national will. He's sort of a baffling person
for me to deal with. I've spent 30 years arguing that if people really
spend a lot of money on their children's education, in public or private
schools, you usually get what you pay for. And then I look at him. And I
think, Good Lord, this man is ruining my entire argument. You know,
Andover now costs at least $30,000 a year, which is three to five times
what we spend on a child in an inner-city school. But it didn't seem to
work in his case."
- Interview with some education guru on Salon
Date: Wed, 22 Nov 2000 08:39:20 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Happy Thanksgiving!
Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I'm telling
you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming,
I've made a few small changes:
Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag
luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly
done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming
effect.
The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china
or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and
everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from
using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last
Christmas.
Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I
promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration
hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it
is a turkey.
We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you
while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment
I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey
hotline. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 AM
upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds. As
accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal
drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of
tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen
turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.
We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the
start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional
method. We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the
smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you
like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a
separate table. In a separate room. Next door.
Now I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in
front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at
our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private
ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: Do not, under any circumstances,
enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children
to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is
unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we
will eat.
Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice
between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the
traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small
fingerprints. You will still have a choice: take it or leave it.
Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She
probably won't come next year either.
I am thankful.
Date: Mon, 27 Nov 2000 09:26:41 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: I liked it...
How the Grinch Stole Election Day
By Frank Cammuso and Hart Seely
(With respects to Theodor S. Geisel.)
Every Chad
Down in Chad-ville
Liked voting a lot ...
But the Grinch,
Who lived just north of Chad-ville
Did NOT!
The Grinch hated voting! He thought it a bore.
Now, please don't ask why. Could be Bush, could be Gore.
It could be his heart bled with liberal mush.
It could be, perhaps, that he listened to Rush.
But I think the real reason his trust was so shattered
Was the great Grinchy view that his vote never mattered.
BUT
Whatever the reason,
Lack of trust, lack of goals,
The Grinch dreaded that day when Chads went to the polls.
He just hated those speeches and negative ads,
And when push came to shove, he just hated the Chads.
He just hated their theme parks, their football-team rooters,
He just hated their gun laws, their barmaids at Hooters.
He just hated their weather, even hated their hate.
And he hated that they were a battleground state.
"So they're making their choices," he snarled with a sneer.
"This 'Decision Two Thousand' is practically here!
"They'll struggle to choose 'tween a crumb and a bum,
" 'Cause a voter's a voter, no matter how dumb."
Then he growled, his Grinch fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep outcomes from coming!"
For tomorrow, he knew ...
All the flag-waving souls,
Would again waste their efforts on Clintons or Doles.
And by then, oh, the polls! Oh, the polls! Polls! Polls!
Polls!
That's the one thing he hated! The POLLS! POLLS! POLLS!
POLLS!
So the Chads, rich and poor, and by bus, car, or boat,
They would vote! And they'd vote!
And they'd VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE!
They would vote to ban smoking or clearing your throat.
They would even vote laws in for curbing your goat.
And THEN ...
They'd sing that anthem. It always came later.
Be they Bush-ites or Gore-ites or ites of Ralph Nader.
They'd stand close together, and though still full of fight,
They'd stand and they'd sing, by that dawn's early light.
And the more the Grinch thought of Election Day's ring,
The more the Grinch thought, "I must stop this whole thing!
"Why, for two hundred years I've put up with it now!
"I MUST stop these outcomes from coming!
"... But HOW?"
Then he got an idea!
Yes, a legal idea!
THE GRINCH
GOT AN AWFUL BUT LEGAL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" The Grinch laughed with a jig.
And he wove from his goat a Sam Donaldson wig.
And into the mirror he spoke with grand rancor,
"With this helmet of hair, they'll all think I'm an anchor!"
"All I need are some ballots ..."
The Grinch looked around.
But since ballots were private, there were none to be found.
So he made his own ballot, printing letters quite little,
And he scattered the names, running holes down the middle,
And he stuck it together with Chad-berry spittle.
And he said, "They'll need Einstein to figure this riddle!"
THEN
He loaded his boxes, and without looking nervous
Put a sign on his van that said "Voter News Service."
THEN
The Grinch pulled away in his van with a screech
Toward the pads of the Chads in a place called "Palm Beach."
When he came to the first polling place in the square,
All the lines were quite long. Thoughtful talk filled the
air,
As the Chads chatted merits of managed health care.
"Vote early and often," the Grinch said with a grin.
And he marched to the front of the line and stepped in.
There he left all his ballots, the strange ones with punches,
And instructions that said, "Please punch punches in
bunches."
As he slunk out the door toward the nearest Grand Hyatt,
He could hear what you'd think was an Elián riot.
The Cohens sisters Esther, Mitzi, and Shannon,
Just realized that their votes had all gone to Buchanan!
At a place in Dade County near a middle-school yard,
The Grinch donned a shirt that said, "Polling Place Guard."
And he eyeballed each Chad and said, "Where is your card?
"Voter card? Motor card? Credit card? Diner's?
"Face card? Race card? Baseball card? Shriners?"
And he turned them away. Then the Grinch, like a fox,
Stuffed all of his ballots and locked the lockbox!
Then old Grinch returned home to go "LIVE" on TV.
He had waited quite late: (It was now eight oh three.)
So the Grinch Network News first projected a score:
"Now with one percent in, we pick Chad-ville for GORE."
Every Gore-ite in Chad-ville said, "GIVE US SOME MORE!"
So he pulled more projections straight out of his stack.
Then, "Oh, dear!" said the Grinch, "I must take it all back!"
So the Grinch Network News, in grand fairness to all
Now reported that Chad-ville was "TOO CLOSE TO CALL."
"Don't be mad, all you Chads, for this isn't a scandal,
"It was just," the Grinch said, "we forgot the Panhandle.
"The science of sampling can leave one out-simpled."
So the Chads were left hanging and pregnant and dimpled.
And the stress of it all put George Bush among the pimpled!
Then the Grinch raised a finger for the night's final push.
"Election Day's done, and the winner is BUSH."
After all, George was leading at least by a dozen.
(And whenever it's close, always go with your cousin.)
"Play the music, the songs, pop the corks, sing the praises,
" 'Cause with Bush as the winner, you're all getting raises!"
And then the Grinch yawned, "This election stuff's hokey,
Good-bye 'till next year! And now back to you, Cokie."
And the Grinch, he went back to his old Grinchy pad.
But en route, he was nabbed by a little Chad lad
Who had stayed up all night (quite ignoring his dad).
He stared at the Grinch and said, "Sir, who's our leader?
"Is it Bush? Is it Gore? Or, my choice, Derek Jeter?"
And the Grinch simply smiled: This day couldn't be sweeter.
They were finding out now that no outcome was coming!
They were seeing it now, all their dumbness and dumbing.
"They're just waking up!" he said. "Here's what they'll do!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
"And the Chads down in Chad-ville will all cry, 'WE'LL SUE!'
"
As he stared down at Chad-ville, the Grinch popped his eyes,
But the scene that he saw brought a shocking surprise.
All the Chads down in Chad-ville, Chad lads and Chad dads,
They were counting the votes, they were counting the chads!
He hadn't stopped an outcome from coming.
IT CAME!
SOMEHOW OR ANOTHER, IT CAME JUST THE SAME!
As the Grinch with his head buried deep in the sand
Sat puzzling and puzzling, "They will count them by hand?"
Yes, it came with the lawsuits, it came with the lawyers,
It came with Tim Russert, it came with Bill Moyers.
When the ballots were plucked and the counting was done
The last margin of victory turned out to be ... ONE!
And if the Grinch had just voted,
... HIS GUY WOULD HAVE WON!
And what happened then ...
Well ...
In Chad-ville they say
That the Grinch's small district
Grew three sizes that day.
'Cause the minute his mood had come out of its slump,
The Grinch said, "Hmm! I could be running this dump!"
So he formed a committee to do all the work
And he ...
HE HIMSELF!
The Grinch ran for town clerk!
Date: Tue, 28 Nov 2000 08:55:46 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: QOTD from the Keynoter
"Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't."
Date: Wed, 29 Nov 2000 09:21:19 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: music one-liners
Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A: A tattoo.
Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: "The Defendant"
Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
A: It saves time in the long run.
Q: What's the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.
Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a drummer?
A: About three decibels.
Q: What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
A: Drive-by trombone solos.
Q: What's the definition of a minor second interval?
A: Two Soprano Sax players reading off the same part.
Q: What is another term for trombone?
A: A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator.
Q: How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
A: Take the batteries out of his electronic tuner.
Q: What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
A: On or off.
Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A: A bad oboist can kill you.
Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in the handicapped zones.
Q: What's the difference between a girl singer and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.
Q: Why do people play trombone?
A: Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time.
Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A: A music critic.
Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
A: Put it in a viola case.
Q: What will you never say about a banjo player?
A: That's the banjo player's Porsche.
Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.
Q: How many trumpet players does it take to pave a driveway?
A: Seven- if you lay them out correctly.
Q: What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
A: You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon.
Q: How are a banjo player and a blind javelin thrower alike?
A: Both command immediate attention and alarm, and force everyone to
move out of range.
Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby elephant?
A: Eleven pounds.
Q: What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
A: Some conductors actually read Greek.
Glissando: A technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.
Subito piano: Indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player
to become a soloist.
Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff until you find
it again.
Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong
pitch.
Date: Thu, 30 Nov 2000 08:45:12 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Bill Gates' diary
10 Invited entire tech-support department to play golf. Brought Melissa
to complete the foursome.
9 The baby cries constantly. Maybe I'll buy Fisher-Price.
8 Bought my first Macintosh. It's sooooo cute!
7 Good day. Found over 15 bucks' worth of soda cans in the trash bins
outside Microsoft headquarters.
6 Bad day. Ellison sent back the heads of two of the three hitmen I
hired, along with a note saying he ate the third one whole.
5 Still ahead of Murdoch and Eisner. Yes!
4 Reminder: 35-cent Snapple coupon expires in two days!
3 Memo to self: Next time, when my wife says we need to buy china, she
means dishes.
2 Ran into Demi and Bruce. Upped my offer to a billion dollars.
and the Number 1 Entry in Bill Gates's Diary...
1 Seventh day: rested.
Thanks for looking!
Now, please go back to the archives...