Date: Thu, 1 Nov 2001 09:26:02 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"The big innovation of XP is that it has a back door that sucks out
 all your proprietary information and presents it to Microsoft to sell
 back to you or any retailer.  That's the big innovation of XP - a
 back door.  By the way, it still runs all your favorite viruses."

 - Scott McNealy, CEO, Sun Microsystems, quoted in CRN (Computer Reseller
News)

Date: Fri, 2 Nov 2001 08:35:01 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  old quote

  Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real
with the ideal never goes unpunished.
                -- Goethe

Date: Mon, 5 Nov 2001 08:47:03 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  fortune OTD

God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.

Date: Tue, 6 Nov 2001 11:57:45 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  .sig OTD

Life sucks.
And then you remember you used 1 of those 3 wishes for immortality...

Date: Wed, 7 Nov 2001 09:49:15 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  .sig OTD 

"I registered my copy of the Bible. I'm hoping to get an upgrade in the
mail."
-Darren Hansen

Date: Thu, 8 Nov 2001 08:44:45 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  another QOTD

"Note to self: Sarcasm is highly ineffective against stupid people."
- Millicent Mehitabel Mudd, "Ozy & Millie"

Date: Fri, 9 Nov 2001 13:01:17 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  history is odd sometimes

  World War II produced many heroes. One such man was Lieutenant Commander
Butch O'Hare.  He was a fighter pilot assigned to an aircraft carrier
Lexington in the South Pacific.

  One day his entire squadron was sent on a mission. After he was
airborne, he looked at his fuel gauge and realized that someone had
forgotten to top off his fuel tank. He would not have enough fuel to
complete his mission and get back to his ship. His flight leader told him
to return to the carrier.

  Reluctantly he dropped out of formation and headed back to the fleet. As
he was returning to the mothership, he saw something that turned his blood
cold.

  A squadron of Japanese bombers were speeding their way toward the
American fleet. The American fighters were gone on a sortie and the fleet
was all but defenseless. He couldn't reach his squadron and bring them
back in time to save the fleet. Nor, could he warn the fleet of the
approaching danger.

  There was only one thing to do. He must somehow divert them from the
fleet. Laying aside all thoughts of personal safety, he dove into the
formation of Japanese planes. Wing-mounted 50 caliber's blazed as he
charged in, attacking one surprised enemy plane and then another. Butch
weaved in and out of the now broken formation and fired at as many planes
as possible until finally all his ammunition was spent.

  Undaunted, he continued the assault. He dove at the planes, trying to at
least clip off a wing or tail, in hopes of damaging as many enemy planes
as possible and rendering them unfit to fly. He was desperate to do
anything he could to keep them from reaching the American ships. Finally,
the exasperated Japanese squadron took off in another direction.

  Deeply relieved, Butch O'Hare and his tattered fighter limped back to
the carrier. Upon arrival he reported in and related the events
surrounding his return. The film from the camera mounted on his plane told
the tale. It showed the extent of Butch's daring attempt to protect his
fleet. He had destroyed five enemy bombers.  That was on February 20,
1942, and for that action he became the Navy's first Ace of WWII and the
first Naval Aviator to win the Congressional Medal of Honor.  A year later
he was killed in aerial combat at the age of 29.  His home town would not
allow the memory of that heroic action die.  And today, O'Hare Airport in
Chicago is named in tribute to the courage of this great man.

  So the next time your in O'Hare visit his memorial with his statue and
Medal of Honor.   It is located between terminal 1 and 2.

Story number two:
-----------------

  Some years earlier there was a man in Chicago called Easy Eddie. At that
time, Al Capone virtually owned the city. Capone wasn't famous for
anything heroic. His exploits were anything but praiseworthy. He was,
however, notorious for enmeshing the city of Chicago in everything from
bootlegged booze and prostitution to murder.

  Easy Eddie was Capone's lawyer and for a good reason. He was very good!
In fact, his skill at legal maneuvering kept Big Al out of jail for a long
time. To show his appreciation, Capone paid him very well. Not only was
the money big; Eddie got special dividends. For instance, he and his
family occupied a fenced-in mansion with live-in help and all of the
conveniences of the day. The estate was so large that it filled an entire
Chicago city block. Yes, Eddie lived the high life of the Chicago mob and
gave little consideration to the atrocity that went on around him.

  Eddie did have one soft spot, however. He had a son that he loved
dearly. Eddie saw to it that his young son had the best of everything;
clothes, cars, and a good education. Nothing was withheld. Price was no
object. And, despite his involvement with organized crime, Eddie even
tried to teach him right from wrong. Yes, Eddie tried to teach his son to
rise above his own sordid life. He wanted him to be a better man than he
was. Yet, with all his wealth and influence, there were two things that
Eddie couldn't give his son. Two things that Eddie sacrificed to the
Capone mob that he could not pass on to his beloved son: a good name and a
good example.

  One day, Easy Eddie reached a difficult decision. Offering his son a
good name was far more important than all the riches he could lavish on
him. He had to rectify all the wrong that he had done.

  He would go to the authorities and tell the truth about Scar-face Al
Capone. He would try to clean up his tarnished name and offer his son some
semblance of integrity. To do this he must testify against The Mob, and he
knew that the cost would be great. But more than anything, he wanted to be
an example to his son. He wanted to do his best to make restoration and
hopefully have a good name to leave his son.

  So, he testified. Within the year, Easy Eddie's life ended in a blaze of
gunfire on a lonely Chicago street. He had given his son the greatest gift
he had to offer at the greatest price he would ever pay.

  I know what you're thinking. What do these two stories have to do with
one another?

  Well, you see, Butch O'Hare was Easy Eddie's son.

Date: Mon, 12 Nov 2001 08:58:20 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  10 Commandments, Fundamentalist Style

The Ten Commandments (Updated Fundamentalist Version 2.0) by Cassandra

1. Thou shalt have no other gods before me, and thou shalt get very
offended if anyone else does.

2. Thou shalt make for yourself no graven images, although paintings of
Elvis on velvet are acceptable.

3. Thou shalt not take My name in vain. To remind thyself of this
commandment, thou shalt plaster My name over every available surface, on
T-shirts, caps, bumper stickers, etc.

4. Honor the Sabbath and keep it holy by driving to and from church
several times during the day in enormous slow cars that take up every
available lane, thus preventing the unbelievers* from being able to get
anywhere.

5. Honor thy father and mother by refusing to even consider the
possibility that there might be a better way to do things than the way
they did things.

6. Thou shalt not kill, except homosexuals, federal agents, and anyone in
the immediate vicinity of an abortion clinic.

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery if there is any possibility that you
might get caught.

8. Thou shalt not steal, although thou may takest as much money in 'love
gifts' as you can persuade your audience to mail in.

9. Thou shalt not bear false witness, unless you are talking to or about
unbelievers*, or trying to convince the audience to send 'love gifts.'
(See number 8)

10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, nor his oxen, and especially
not his ass. Thou may covet thy neighbor's school board seat and his (or
her) right to control his (or her) own body and mind.

* For purposes of these commandments, the term 'unbelievers' includes not
only atheists, agnostics, pagans, Jews, Muslims, Satanists, etc., but also
any Christians who differ from you in the slightest about such weighty
matters as which holidays to celebrate, how to decorate the church, and
what kind of music is acceptable.

Date: Tue, 13 Nov 2001 12:48:07 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  comeback for the ages

  Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir,
that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease." Disraeli
replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your principals or your
mistress".

Date: Wed, 14 Nov 2001 08:58:35 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  get your facts straight...

The mother superior calls all the nuns together and announces: "We have a
case of gonorrhea."

A nun sighs: "Thank God; I was getting so tired of Zinfandel."

Date: Thu, 15 Nov 2001 08:24:49 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  parachutists...

  A blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting. When asked
how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I
am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my
release ring for me, and out I go." "But how do you know when you are
going to land?" he was asked.

  "I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass
when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered.

  But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the
ground?" he was again asked.

  He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

Date: Fri, 16 Nov 2001 10:09:21 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  writing advice

  Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your
editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
-- Mark Twain

Date: Mon, 19 Nov 2001 09:02:26 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  motivation...

  I was going to bed the other night when my wife told me that I had left
the light on in the shed, she could see from the bedroom window.  As I
looked for myself, I saw that there were people in the shed taking things.

  I phoned the police, but they told me that there was no one in my area
to help at this time, but they would send someone over as soon as they
become available.  I said OK, hung up, and waited one minute, then phoned
the police back.

  "Hello.  I just called you a minute ago because there were people in my
shed.  Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've shot them
all."

  Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an
Armed Response unit, the works.  Of course, they caught the burglars
red-handed.

  One of the officers said: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

  I replied with "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Date: Tue, 20 Nov 2001 09:19:48 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Why do they call it mindless violence if it's all I ever think about?"

attributed: Alex Fauth of Canberra, NSW, Australia.

Date: Mon, 26 Nov 2001 10:17:35 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  worms

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.


After one day, these were the results:

The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - alive.

Lesson:

As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms.

Date: Tue, 27 Nov 2001 08:50:29 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  contributions

  Every Sunday, a little old lady puts $1,000 in the collection plate at
church. After about five weeks of this, the pastor takes the lady on the
side and says, "I really appreciate what you're doing, but how can you
afford to do this?" To which the old lady replies, "It's not a problem,
because every week my son sends me $2,000"

  Well, the pastor is flabbergasted, and tells the woman that she is truly
blessed to have a son who takes such good care of her. "What does he do
for a living?" he asks. "He's a veterinarian," she replies. "A
veterinarian?!? My word, where is his practice?"

  The little old lady answers, "Well, he's got one cathouse in Reno, and
another just outside Vegas."

Date: Wed, 28 Nov 2001 22:10:46 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Witches and any other pagan religious-types are the only ones who worship
the ground I walk on."

Date: Thu, 29 Nov 2001 09:28:17 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

  Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking
for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.
--Alan McKay

Date: Fri, 30 Nov 2001 08:20:11 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  .sig OTD

kernel, n.: A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval
traditions of sorcery and black art.