Date: Fri, 1 Nov 2002 09:57:10 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  good philosophy

  An old Cherokee chief is teaching his grandson about life: "A fight is
going on inside me," he said to the boy. "It is a terrible fight and it is
between two wolves.

  "One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance,
self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority,
self-doubt, and ego.

  "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility,
kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.
This same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person,
too."

  The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his
grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

  The old chief simply replied, "The one you feed."

Date: Mon, 4 Nov 2002 06:49:34 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

  "Some who have read the book, or at any rate have reviewed it, have
found it boring, absurd, or contemptible; and I have no cause to complain,
since I have similar opinions of their works, or of the kinds of writing
that they evidently prefer."    -  JRR Tolkien

Date: Tue, 5 Nov 2002 08:05:09 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting
needles."
-- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese food

Date: Wed, 6 Nov 2002 09:26:24 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  .sig to remember

For millenia mankind has known "Two wrongs don't make a right."
Israel & Palestine are engaged in aggressive, cutting edge research to
answer the question, "How many wrongs _does_ it take?"

Date: Thu, 7 Nov 2002 08:43:27 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats."
 -- Ben Franklin

Date: Mon, 11 Nov 2002 12:10:48 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  poem for Veteran's Day

BURY ME WITH SOLDIERS

I've played a lot of roles in life;
I've met a lot of men.
I've done some things I'd like to think
I wouldn't do again.

And though I'm young, I'm old enough
To know someday I'll die,
And to think about what lies beyond,
Besides whom I would lie.

Perhaps it doesn't matter much;
Still, if I had my choice,
I'd want a grave 'mongst soldiers when
At last death quells my voice.

I'm sick of the hypocrisy
Of lectures of the wise.
I'll take the man, with all the flaws,
Who goes, though scared, and dies.

The troops I knew were commonplace
They didn't want the war;
They fought because their fathers and
Their fathers had before.

They cursed and killed and wept...
God knows They're easy to deride...
But bury me with men like these;
They faced the guns and died.

It's funny when you think of it,
The way we got along.
We'd come from different worlds
To live in one no one belongs.

I didn't even like them all;
I'm sure they'd all agree.
Yet I would give my life for them,
I hope some did for me.

So bury me with soldiers, please,
Though much maligned they be.
Yes, bury me with soldiers, for
I miss their company.
We'll not soon see their likes again;
We've had our fill of war.
But bury me with men like them
Till someone else does more.

Date: Tue, 12 Nov 2002 07:09:00 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  EVIL Joke (Mua ha ha ha ha!!!)

(forwarded just as it showed up in my mailbox - the list editor)

-----

I'm feeling sadistic. So I've decided to hurt you. All of you.

It's a simple spell, really. All you have to do is read the below
incantation. You can avoid your fate, of course, by simply not
looking. Just don't read through to the end of this article, and
you'll be fine. But you won't be able to, will you? Ah, that's part of
the curse. You will read it, and your fate will be sealed.

It won't end, either. Days later, after you think it's all over, the
torment will return, at random moments when you don't even expect it.
And you will curse my name. When you do, know that I glory in your
suffering.

"Ha!" You say. "I am unafraid. Go ahead. Do your worst. Show me!" But
are you sure? This is your last chance. Turn away now, fool.

Very well. I warned you.


FINISH THIS INCANTATION IF YOU DARE

It's a world of laughter, a world of tears
It's a world of hope, and a world of fears
There's so much that we share, that it's time we're aware
It's a....

Date: Wed, 13 Nov 2002 06:33:56 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Software is like sex; it's better when it's free."
-- Linus Torvalds

Date: Thu, 14 Nov 2002 12:30:13 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  UN Survey failure

  Last month, a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only
question asked was:

  "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?"

  The survey was a huge failure ...........

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America and South Africa they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what the "rest of the world" meant.

Date: Mon, 18 Nov 2002 06:47:51 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  snappy comeback

The Ultimate Response to a to Dear John Letter...

  An Army ranger was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he
received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that
she had slept with two guys while he had been gone, she wanted to break up
and she wants the pictures of herself back.

  So the Ranger does what any squared away Ranger would do. He went around
to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could
find. He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the
following note: "I'm sorry I can't remember which one you are, but please
take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back. Thanks..."

Date: Tue, 19 Nov 2002 06:46:35 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  .sig OTD

  In theory there is no difference between practice and theory - but in
practice there is.

Date: Wed, 20 Nov 2002 06:28:50 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"The ridicule of the stupid and pathetic is to be savored." -Alicia Ashby

Date: Thu, 21 Nov 2002 17:55:35 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

  "Americans used to roar like lions for liberty. Now we bleat like sheep
for security."
- Norman Vincent Peale

Date: Fri, 22 Nov 2002 10:11:28 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  .sig OTD

80%+ of the world is comprised of people who would starve to death in a
supermarket because they don't know how to cook.

I'm getting tired of cooking for them.

Date: Mon, 25 Nov 2002 07:48:09 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Old age means

  At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting
around talking about their aches and pains.

  "My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

  "I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my
coffee," replied another.

  "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a
third.

  "My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed.

  "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man.

  Then there was a short moment of silence.

  "Thank God we can all still drive," said one woman cheerfully.

Date: Tue, 26 Nov 2002 08:24:24 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  thought for you ladies

*1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, occasionally
cooks and cleans and who has a job.

*2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.

*3. It is important to find a man who is dependable and doesn't lie.

*4. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to have
sex with you.

*5. It is important that these four men never meet.

Date: Fri, 29 Nov 2002 10:28:04 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Political Humor

Sung to the tune of "If You're Happy And You Know It Clap Your Hands"

If we cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets hurt your Mama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are Saudi
And the bank takes back your Audi
And the TV shows are bawdy,
Bomb Iraq.

If the corporate scandals growin', bomb Iraq.
And your ties to them are showin', bomb Iraq.
If the smoking gun ain't smokin'
We don't care, and we're not jokin'.
That Saddam will soon be croakin',
Bomb Iraq.

Even if we have no allies, bomb Iraq.
From the sand dunes to the valleys, bomb Iraq.
So to hell with the inspections;
Let's look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions,
Bomb Iraq.

While the globe is slowly warming, bomb Iraq.
Yay! the clouds of war are storming, bomb Iraq.
If the ozone hole is growing,
Some things we prefer not knowing.
(Though our ignorance is showing),
Bomb Iraq.

So here's one for dear old daddy, bomb Iraq,
From his favorite little laddy, bomb Iraq.
Saying no would look like treason.
It's the Hussein hunting season.
Even if we have no reason,
Bomb Iraq.