Date: Mon, 3 Nov 2003 08:20:40 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Oh, I don't blame Congress.  If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd
be irresponsible, too."
-- Lichty & Wagner

Date: Tue, 4 Nov 2003 09:21:21 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you
nothing. It was here first."
-- Mark Twain

Date: Wed, 5 Nov 2003 09:46:06 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Anyone who eats three meals a day should understand why cookbooks outsell
sex books three to one."
-- L.M. Boyd

Date: Thu, 6 Nov 2003 10:11:25 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  brown bag lunch...

  An old nun who was living in a convent next to a Brooklyn construction
site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some
time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her
lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a
brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She
walked up to the group and with a big smile said: "Do you men know Jesus
Christ?"

  They shook their heads and looked at each other.

  One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled "Anybody up
there know Jesus Christ?"

  One of the steelworkers yelled down a "Yea. Why"?

  The worker yelled back, "His wife's here with his lunch."

Date: Fri, 7 Nov 2003 07:31:41 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"There are three things men can do with women: love them, suffer for them,
or turn them into literature."
-- Stephen Stills

Date: Mon, 10 Nov 2003 08:45:10 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"I can go out in the hall and pass gas, and that odor is harmful in a
sense to the people that are around me. But I've not been identified [by]
EPA yet as a mobile source polluter."
-- Rep. Joe Barton, R-TX

Date: Tue, 11 Nov 2003 08:45:51 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Veteran's Day

  Let us remember ALL the veterans who gave of themselves for something
larger this year... and that not all of them regretted the transaction. We
all take our chances in life - but some put more in the kitty, betting
they can come out bigger winners.

- Bill

-----

http://www.gutrumbles.com/archives/001846.php#001846/

Space...
I just came in from the back porch.

I can see a big hunk of night sky out there, especially with no moon
shining tonight. Orion is low on the horizon and the Little Dipper is
almost overhead. Stars glitter like jewels on a black velvet background.
I've looked at the same scene many times since I was a boy, and I never
tire of it.

Seven unlucky souls departed the world today, and I don't believe that
they went anywhere but out when they died. But they went out riding a
spacecraft, after seeing the stars the way I've never seen them and the
earth the way I've never seen it. I regret their tragic fate, but a part
of me envies every one of them.

Everybody dies, sooner or later. You're born with an expiration date
stamped on your ass, just like a gallon jug of milk. When your time is up,
it's all over. You may die a dignified death or you may die wallowing in
your own feces and screaming for mercy. I've seen people go both ways.

I am half a hundred years old. Death does not frighten me. The MANNER in
which I die, however, is cause for concern. I do not want to die wallowing
in my own feces and screaming for mercy. In fact, I WON'T die that way.
I'll blow my own brains out before I go there.

I have fantasies of rocking grandchildren on my arthritic knees and
spoiling them rotten. I have fantasies of playing golf from the senior's
tees and shooting my age on the golf course. Maybe I'll get a chance to do
that some day.

But if I don't, I would like to die like a shooting star, in a blaze of
glory, coming back from space, where few people have ever been. The
families and friends of the dead have my sympathy, but you've got to admit
that there are worse ways to die. I don't know what their last thoughts
were, but I know what mine would have been as the shuttle disintergrated
around me.

"I DID IT!"

Date: Wed, 12 Nov 2003 08:53:15 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Good Question

  I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

  A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do
you think I'll live to be 80?"

  He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"

  "Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."

  Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

  I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

  "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing
golf/sailing/ballooning/rock climbing ?"

  "No, I don't," I said.

  He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"

  "No," I said. "I've never done any of those things."

  He looked at me and said, "Then why do you care if you live to be 80?"

Date: Thu, 13 Nov 2003 16:34:27 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  "Holier Than Thou" Division

From a recent letter to the editor in Tennessee:

"The actions taken by the New Hampshire Episcopalians (INDUCTING A GAY
BISHOP) are an affront to Christians everywhere.  I am just thankful that
the church's founder, Henry VIII, and his wife Catherine of Aragon, and his
wife Anne Boleyn, and his wife Jane Seymour, and his wife Anne of Cleves,
and his wife Katherine Howard, and his wife Catherine Parr are no longer
here to suffer through this assault on traditional Christian marriages."

from: http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/03/Nov/marriage.html

Date: Fri, 14 Nov 2003 15:32:18 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Apology for a misunderstanding

Whoops. :)

I guess I was assuming a high-synergy, value-added, result-driven client
focused leveraging of win-win empowerment scenarios rather than a
dog-eat-dog hardball-playing paradigm.

Guess I was out of the loop, and nowhere near the ballpark.

Bottom line, I'll have to revisit my game plan and put that on the fast
track so I can benchmark and touch base to make sure I'm still empowering
the right mindset in a total quality strategic fit.

And I'm sure that explains everything.

Date: Mon, 17 Nov 2003 09:22:47 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  tagline OTD

It's hard to seize the day when first you've got to grapple with the morning.

Date: Wed, 19 Nov 2003 09:09:14 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  oops

  A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true,"
she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?"

  "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

  There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm
wondering, then, just how serious is my condition. This prescription is
marked 'NO REFILLS'"

Date: Thu, 20 Nov 2003 08:44:57 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"The root of all superstition is that men observe when a thing hits, but
not when it misses."
-- Francis Bacon

Date: Fri, 21 Nov 2003 09:00:21 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  go, lady...

Bill's note: I do NOT support the war in Iraq - I insist that if people
are going to be sent to fight and die, that there be a clearly delineated
purpose and endpoint - but thought this was funny, nonetheless...

-----

Forwarded to me about the protests of the Iraq war in Washington DC:

  To nobody's surprise there were protestors today in DC, they attempted
to disrupt the metro system and block the Key Bridge, a leading artery
into DC from Northern Virginia. I got hosed twice because I come in from
NoVA on the metro and it is raining hard which makes traffic worse any
way. My commute was long and arduous and only caused further resentment
for protestors (but that isn't the point of this thread). Anyway, I'll get
to the point.

  I got off the train in Rosslyn because I had to use the bathroom and the
train was moving quite slowly. When I was getting back on the train, there
were protestors on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils
of America. I politely declined to take one.

  An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young
(20ish) female protestor offered her a pamphlet, which she politely
declined. The young protestor put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as
a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, "Ma'am, don't you
care about the children of Iraq?"

  The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my first husband died
in France during World War II so you could have the right to stand here
and bad mouth your country.  And if you touch me again, I'll stick this
umbrella up your ass and open it."

  I'm glad to report that loud applause broke out among the onlookers and
the young protestor was at a total loss for words.

Date: Mon, 24 Nov 2003 09:05:33 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves
up and hurry off as if nothing had happened."
-- Winston Churchill

Date: Tue, 25 Nov 2003 08:53:22 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  what a way to swim

  A southern Baptist minister was completing a temperance sermon. With
great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world I'd take it
and pour it into the river."

  With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had all the wine in the
world I'd take it and pour it into the river."

  And then finally, shaking his fist in the air he said, "And if I had all
the whiskey in the world I'd take it and pour it into the river."

  Sermon complete, he then sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously
and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365 -
"Shall We Gather at the River"...