November 1997...
From - Tue Nov 04 09:39:22 1997
Subject: Action Movie Lessons
20 Things Guys Learn From Action Movies
-------------------------------------------
1. No matter what my problem is, it's the fault of someone other than
myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill
him with my bare hands.
2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit
so tight you can tell whether she's cold or not from across the room.
3. There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go
to bed with you, and the type that want to kill you. Both types are
physically attractive and under 25 years old.
4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only
won't he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.
5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supersede my
obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.
6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they
will adore me.
7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she
will fall in love with me.
8. Anyone who isn't a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private
investigator is a homosexual. Or at least a sissy.
9. If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us
dies, we will become best friends.
10. My arch-enemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing
to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep
respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands.
11. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will
never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When
people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a 'flesh wound,'
which will be tended to by a beautiful woman.
12. If I'm white, I will befriend at least one black guy, or one white
guy if I'm black. If I am Latino, the monster/villain will kill me
halfway through the film, urging the hero to even greater levels of
violence.
13. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a
beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.
14. If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who
will gaze at me adoringly.
15. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut,
and gaze at me adoringly.
16. If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or
game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who
will then try to kill me.
17. If I am given a surprise attack, I will be attacked by only one or
maybe two people at a time, and I will find that I am well-skilled in
Karate and Jujitsu, and if all else fails, I will always have one last
firearm hidden somewhere on my body.
18. If my opponent has a side-kick or henchman, he will never have a
sensible name like 'Rick,' or 'Steve.'
19. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern
and ask, "When's the last time you got any sleep?" They will never ask
when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do
those things either.
20. While chasing or fleeing from an enemy, I can drive anything with
a motor recklessly at 100-130 miles per hour without a seat belt, with
ammunition filling the passenger seat, and nothing will fall
out of place. Also, no police will ever catch me; they'll just look
in amazement in my direction.
From - Wed Nov 05 10:20:02 1997
Subject: Puppies for sale
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A store owner was tacking a sign above his door that read "Puppies For
Sale." Signs like that have a way of attracting small children and sure
enough, a little boy appeared under the store owner's sign. "How much
are you going to sell the puppies for?" he asked.
The store owner replied, "Anywhere from $30 to $50."
The little boy reached in his pocket and pulled out some change. "I
have
$2.37," he said. "Can I please look at them?"
The store smiled and whistled and out of the kennel came Lady, who ran
down the aisle of his store followed by five teeny, tiny balls of fur.
One puppy was lagging considerably behind. Immediately the little boy
singled out the lagging, limping puppy and said, "What's wrong with
that
little dog?" The store owner explained that the veterinarian had
examined the little puppy and had discovered it didn't have a hip
socket. It would always limp. It would always be lame. The little boy
became excited. "That is the little puppy that I want to buy."
The store owner said, "No, you don't want to buy that little dog. If
you
really want him, I'll just give him to you."
The little boy got quite upset. He looked straight into the store
owner's eyes, pointing his finger, and said, "I don't want you to give
him to me. That little dog is worth every bit as much as all the other
dogs and I'll pay full price. In fact, I'll give you $2.37 now, and 50
cents a month until I have him paid for."
The store owner countered, "You really don't want to buy this little
dog. He is never going to be able to run and jump and play with you
like
the other puppies."
To this, the little boy reached down and rolled up his pant leg to
reveal a badly twisted, crippled left leg supported by a big metal
brace. He looked up at the store owner and softly replied, "Well, I
don't run so well myself, and the little puppy will need someone who
understands!"
From - Mon Nov 03 09:51:05 1997
Subject: A Tale of Requited Love by Jack Winter/The New Yorker
Sometimes, I LOVE waht you can do with the English language...
by Jack Winter/The New Yorker
It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was very
chalant, despite my efforts to appear gruntled and consolate.
I was furling my wieldy umbrella for the coat check when I saw her
standing alone in a corner She was a descript person, a woman in a state
of total array. Her hair was kempt, her clothing shevelled, and she
moved in a gainly way.
I wanted desperately to meet her, but I knew I'd have to make bones
about it since I was traveling cognito. Beknownst to me, the hostess,
whom I could see both hide and hair of, was very proper, so it would
be skin off my nose if anything bad happened. And even though I had only
swerving loyalty to her, my manners couldn't be peccable. Only toward
and heard-of behavior would do.
Fortunately, the embarrassment that my maculate appearance might
cause was evitable. There were two ways about it, but the chances that
someone as flappable as I would be ept enough to become persona grata or
a sung hero were slim. I was, after all, something to sneeze at, someone
you could easily hold a candle to, someone who usually aroused bridled
passion.
So I decided not to risk it. But then, all at once, for some
apparent reason, she looked in my direction and smiled in a way that I
could make heads or tails of.
I was plussed. It was concerting to see that she was communicado,
and it nerved me that she was interested in a pareil like me, sight
seen. Normally, I had a domitable spirit, but, being corrigible, I felt
capacitated--as if this were something I was great shakes at--and forgot
that I had succeeded in situations like this only a told number of
times. So, after a terminable delay, I acted with mitigated gall and
made
my way through the ruly crowd with strong givings.
Nevertheless, since this was all new hat to me and I had no time to
prepare a promptu speech, I was petuous. Wanting to make only called-for
remarks, I started talking about the hors d'oeuvres, trying
to abuse her of the notion that I was sipid, and perhaps even bunk a few
myths about myself.
She responded well, and I was mayed that she considered me a savory
character who was up to some good. She told me who she was. "What a
perfect nomer," I said, advertently. The conversation become more and
more choate, and we spoke at length to much avail. But I was
defatigable, so I had to leave at a godly hour. I asked if she wanted to
come with me. To my delight, she was committal. We left the party
together and have been together ever since. I have given her my love,
and she has requited it.
From - Thu Nov 06 13:32:31 1997
Subject: Church humor...
There was a priest who went to pay a visit to the home of a 92-year-old
church member. While she made tea, he looked around and saw a
beautiful old organ with a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The
bowl
was half filled with water and a condom was floating on top of it.
After tea, his curiosity got the best of him and he asked her about it.
She explained, "While in town, I found a package on the sidewalk and
took it home. The directions on the back said 'Keep wet and put on your
organ to prevent disease' and you know, I think it works; I haven't had
a cold all winter..."
From - Fri Nov 07 12:51:10 1997
Subject: Homour
If you've heard of the house Bill Gates is having built for him (the
Heast mansion is petty next to it), you'll appreciate this one...
************************************************************************
Subject: Moving House
While the Gates family are moving in from their temporary quarters
nearby, final construction of their new house is not expected to be
completed until the end of the year.
Now if I were a contractor with a sense of humor...
----------------------------------
Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."
Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for
the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"
Bill: "Uh, yeah ... the first issue is the living room. We think its a
little smaller than we anticipated."
Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the
release date."
Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."
Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger
living room; or you can use a Stacker."
Bill: "Stacker?"
Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the
room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the
couch ... the chairs on the table ... etc. You leave an empty spot, so
when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and
then put it back when you're done."
Bill: "Uh ... I dunno ... issue two. The second issue is the light
fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The
threads run the wrong way."
Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll
have to upgrade to the new bulbs."
Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular.
How do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."
Bill: "You're kidding!?"
Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."
Bill: "Sigh. Well ... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have
guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water
pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."
Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing
to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other
fixtures."
Bill: "And how do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house,
turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and
then you can get back to work."
Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"
Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it nobody made you buy it."
Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"
Contractor: "Oh, in your next house - which will be ready to release
sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year,
but we've had some delays ..."
From - Mon Nov 10 09:45:06 1997
Subject: another brick in the Hall
This is hilarious, especially for a Pink Floyd fan like me... :)
(You may remember this number from the "rock opera" that took an
unflinching and highly personal look at the isolation, bitterness, and,
frankly, the "grim corpse-hunger" that is the price of being a
darkness-walking fiend from hell. It met with mixed reviews. Critics
disliked its overwrought symbolism, such as the recurring theme of "The
Hall.")
-----
(Grendel's) Mother
(from "The Hall." Columbia Records, c. 750 AD. Out of print.)
Mother, I'd like to eat some Scylds.
Mother, will I have to pay wergild?
Mother, I can't stand their merriment at all
Mother, should I storm the Hall?
Mother, couldn't they have offered me some mead?
Mother, I'm off to find Hrothgar's friends and feed.
Mother, how'd ya get involved with a guy like Cain?
Mother, they'd never let me be a thane!
CHORUS: Hush now Grendel, Grendel, dont you cry.
Mother's gonna let you rampage from the swamp
Mother's gonna let you take your deadly corpse-romp,
Mother knows teen ogres can have a hard time,
they naturally have these grim feuds with mankind.
Mama will keep Grendel sinewey-strong,
Ooooh Grendel, ooooh Grendel, oooooh Grendel,
Of course you should perturb the Hall.
Mother I'm back from Danish turf
Mother did ya think of Beowulf?
Mother, he just ripped your little troll apart!
Ooooh, Mother, did I have to ransack Heorot?
Hush now baby, baby, dont you cry.
Mama's gonna go invade the hall for you
Mama won't let ordinary swords get through (etc.)
Ooooh Grendel, oooh Grendel oooh Grendel,
You'll always be Grendel to me.
(grandiose lute solo)
Mother, have you seen my arm? (sudden ending)
From - Tue Nov 11 09:24:44 1997
Subject: beowulf, take II
Meanehwael, baccat meaddehaele / monstaer lurccen
Fulle few too many drincce / hie luccen for fyht.
Den Hreorfneorhtthhwr / son of Hrwaerowthheororthwyl
Aesccen aewful jeork / to steop outsyd
Phud! Bashe! Crasch! Beoom! / De bigge gye
Eallum his bon brak / byt his nose offe
Wicced Godsylla / waeld on his asse
Monstaer moppe fleor wyth / eallum men in halle
Beowulf in bacceroome / fonecall bemaccen waes
Hearen sound of ruccus / saed "Hwaet the helle?"
Graben sheold strang / ond swich-blaed shcharp
Stond feorth to fyht / the grimlic foe
"Me," Godsylla saed / "Mac the minsemete."
Heoro cwyc geten heold / with faemed half-nelson
Ond flyng him lic frisbe / bac to fen
Beowulf belly up / to meadehalle bar
Saed "Ne foe beaten / mie faersom cung-fu."
Eorderen cocca-colha / yce-cold, the reol thyng.
-Tom Weller
"Culture Made Stupid"
From - Thu Nov 13 13:22:00 1997
Subject: Very Bad
What does DIANA stand for?
"Died in a Nasty Accident!'
What did Princess Diana die of?
Car-pole-tunnel syndrome.
What's the difference between a Mercedes and a Volvo?
Diana wouldn't be seen dead in a Volvo!
What did the Queen say when she heard Princess Diana died in a car
wreck?
Was Fergie with her?
Prince Charles was out early the other day walking the dog. When a
passer-by said "Morning", Charles said "No, just walking the dog."
What's the Queen giving Fergie for Christmas?
A trip to Paris, dinner at the Ritz, and a chauffeur-driven Mercedes.
What did Princess Di say to Dodi after he gave her the Ring?
Aren't we moving a bit to fast?
Why did Elton John sing at the funeral?
Because he's the only queen who cares.
By the way, Elton John is now set to make a tribute record for Mother
Teresa..."Sandals in the Bin"
What was the last thing Di said to Dodi?
"These paparazzi are driving me up the wall"
What does Diana's bumper sticker say?
My other car's a decoy.
What is the difference between leeches and the paparazzi?
Leeches fall off after you die.
What did the French mortuary attendant say when he got the body bags?
Zip-a-dee Dodi, Zip-a-dee Di.
From - Fri Nov 14 10:57:46 1997
Subject: humor
A father and son were in a drugstore waiting for a prescription,
when the little boy noticed a box of Trojans. The little boy
asked his father why do condoms come in a box of two,
father replied; well that's for your teen years son, one for
Friday night and one for Saturday night.
Then the boy pointed to a box that had 6, father replied,
well that's for your college days son, 2 Friday night, 2
Saturday night, and 2 Sunday night.
The boy said well dad this box has 12, father said well that's
for when you get married son, one for January, February, March,
April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November,
and December.
From - Tue Nov 18 09:57:30 1997
Subject: pre-relationship agreement
P R E - R E L A T I O N S H I P A G R E E M E N T
------------------------------------------------------
The party of the first part (herein referred to as she/her)
being of sound mind and fairly good body, agrees to the following
with the party of the second part (herein referred to as he/him)
1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship
(colloquially referred to as the first date or match up), each
party agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent
children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social
diseases, strange political affiliations, or currently active
relationships with anyone else that have not yet been terminated. Further
each party agrees to make known any deep-seated
mother/father/brother/sister complexes and fanatical obsessions with pets,
careers, or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures will
result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a
chance to get anywhere.
2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold
the person who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to as
the "matchmaker") blameless in the event the "fix-up" turns out to be a
"real loser" or "psycho bitch". (For definition of "real loser", see
"John DeLorean: My Story", available at most bookstores; George
Hamilton at one of Imelda Marcos' parties; or any picture of Bob
Guccione in Penthouse. For definition of "psycho bitch," see
Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct," or Glenn Close in "Fatal
Attraction.")
3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship proceed past
the first "fix-up" both parties mutually agree to use the
following terminology in describing their said "dating": For the
first thirty (30) days both parties consent to say they are "goingout".
(This neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.)
Following the first thirty (30) days said parties may say they are
"seeing somebody" and may be referred to by third parties as "an
item". Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the "first date"
either member may elect to use the terms "girl/boyfriend" or "lover"
and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as "a
couple".
Under no circumstances are the phrases "my better half," "the
little woman," "the old ball and chain," or "my old man/lady"
acceptable. Further, if both members of the party consent, this timetable
may be accelerated; however, if either party "gets too serious" and
disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the
relationship on the grounds of "moving too fast" and may once
again be said to be "on the market."
4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30) days both parties
agree not to ask questions about the others whereabouts on weekends,
weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands
or expectations will be made; both parties agree they have no
"rights" or "holds" on the other's time. Following the first six
weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be
"missing in action" without explanation, the "wounded party" agrees
to "give up".
5. DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days both
members of the couple agree to be overly considerate of the other's
work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. A minimum of
three (3) phone calls will be made between the two parties during the
working day, and each party will attempt - with best efforts - to
originate 50% of the phone calls. Additionally, for the first two
weeks all dates will be made at least twenty-four (24) hours in
advance; there will be no "running off in the middle of the night to
console an old girl/boyfriend", and both parties agree to strike the
phrase "but he/she needs me" from their vocabulary. Further, during
the first six (6) weeks each member of said relationship agrees to
attempt at least
one spontaneous "home cooked meal" and will arrange the delivery of at
least one unexpected bouquet of flowers. Following the first
forty-five (45) days both parties will return to their normal
personalities .
6. TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that - respective gross income
aside
- "he" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters,
and breakfasts until:
(a) He considers her suitably impressed, (b) we are broke, or
(c) He says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!".
Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the
bedroom, which are subject to the availability of discretionary
funds on hand at the time.
7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS (occasionally known as the "Why
do I bother to keep my own apartment?" codicil): Should said
relationship progress to the point where the couple spends more
then five nights a week together, every effort shall be made to split
the time between their respective apartments. Further, it is agreed
that both sides will attempt to silence the lewd remarks of
landlords, or roommates. Additionally, both will avoid having their
mother call at
7:30 in the morning. He agrees to "pick up after himself" while in
residence at her apartment, including washing his whiskers out of
the
sink, and assisting with household duties. (By the same token, she
agrees to respect his right to keep his apartment "a mess".)
(Especially since we tend to excel in this area!)
8. THE 90 DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the first three months, each member
of
the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use
of phrases like "Let's move in together," "Why don't we start a
family?"
and -- using archaic terminology -- "Let's get married."
Additionally, each party agrees to love, cherish, honor, and defend
the other party's right not to meet his parents.
9. THE "L" WORD: For the first sixty (60) days both parties agree
not to use the phrase "I love you." They may love plants, dogs,
cats, cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits,
but not each other. Failure by one party to abide by this rule will
result in the other party using the "G" word . . . "Gone."
10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of the following will be grounds
for
immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship:
(a) Excessive use of chatty French phrases;
(b) Ending any argument with the sentence "My ex- used to do that
same thing";
(c) Suggesting - no matter how kindly - that the other member
should seek "help";
(d) ending any argument with the phrase "My analyst thinks you
are..." and
(e) complaining more than twice about the contents of the other
party's refrigerator (or lack thereof) .
11. DECLARATION OF STRENGTH: At the time of breakup each
party reserves the right to make the other feel guilty by using one
or all of the following phrases:
(a) "You'll never find anybody better";
(b) "Nobody could ever make you happy";
(c) "I'll find somebody who can really appreciate me"; and
(d) "My analyst thinks you are . . ." (Psychosis to be filled in
at the proper time.)
12. MISCELLANEOUS:
(a) Each party agrees to give the other at least five minutes'
notice before terminating said relationship;
(b) both parties agree to remain exclusive until such time as the
relationship appears to be "on the rocks";
(c) at the termination of said affair:
(1) both parties agree to be mature and return compiled
socks, sweatshirts, books, record albums, door keys, personal
undergarments with all due haste through impartial intermediary;
(2) each party agrees to wait at least seventy-two (72) hours
before engaging in sex with any of the other's friends;
(3) both parties agree to refrain from slandering the other
for a period of at least seven days (bedroom performance included),
and further consent to use one of the following nebulous terms in
the description of the breakup:
"The timing wasn't right";
"He/She wanted more than I could give";
"He/She was too involved in his/her career";
"He/She decided to go back with his/her
(a) girl/boyfriend;
(b) last lover;
(c) hometown;
(d) therapist".
13. ADDENDUM: After the initial breakup - no matter what - both
parties agree to give the relationship "one more shot".
From - Wed Nov 19 15:42:31 1997
Subject: See Beowulf Read. Read, Beowulf, Read!
Somebody obviously declared November "Beowulf jokes month" and didn't
tell me...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Beowulf, by Rathfled DuNoir,
the Black Bard of the Meridies...
See Grendel. See Grendel eat. Eat, Grendel, eat. Grendel is eating a
few Danish for breakfast. Grendel especially likes the ones with the
yellow coating on top. This is good because there are so many of them.
Yummy!
See Hrothgar. He is sad. Sad sad sad. His warriors are leaving. They
are sad because Grendel has eaten many of their friends. They do not want
to play with Grendel anymore because he is mean. Hrothgar is also sad
because his food is almost gone. Grendel eats the cows and pigs and
horsies too. Grendel is very hungry. Eat, Grendel, eat.
Hrothgar is also sad because his wife will not stop complaining.
Whine, wife, whine. Hrothgar has tried to stop listening to her for three
days now. Drink, Hrothgar, drink. Hrothgar is almost out of mead. Poor
Hrothgar.
See Beowulf. He is big and strong and handsome. He has long viking
braids and pointy horns on his hat and a really big sword. Ooh,
Beowulf, ooh! He is sailing to Denmark to visit Hrothgar. Sail, Beowulf,
sail. He does not know that Hrothgar is almost out of mead. Poor Beowulf.
Beowulf likes to sail. Beowulf likes to drink even more. Poor
Beowulf. When he gets to Denmark, there is enough mead left for one more
feast. Poor Beowulf. Poor Hrothgar. Poor Warriors. Poor Grendel.
Beowulf is very mad. Mad mad mad. Beowulf vows to slay Grendel. Vow,
Beowulf, vow. He promises to do many great feats. He swears to return
with Grendel's head. Drink, Beowulf, drink.
Beowulf is lying very still. Is he waiting to surprise Grendel? No.
Is he meditating? No. Is he practicing an Arcane magical ritual
involving a lawn chair, six milk bottles and a tuning fork? No, he is
unconscious. Won't he be surprised when he wakes up and they tell him
about his promises? Won't he be happy to know that he has a quest? Won't
he feel grand when the warriors cheer him? No, Beowulf will not feel
grand for a while. He has a headache. Poor Beowulf. Please stop
cheering, warriors.
See the castle. It is very quiet. Is it quiet because everyone is
afraid of Grendel? No. Is it quiet because everyone is afraid of
Beowulf? Yes it is! Beowulf has had a very bad headache for three days.
Last night, Beowulf's head hurt so bad that he was very mad. Mad mad mad!
Grendel came over to play and made too much noise. Beowulf was very
upset. He was so upset that he ripped Grendel's arm off and hung it over
the door. Poor Grendel. Poor warriors. Smile at Beowulf. Just do it
quietly.
See the feast hall. It is bright and cheery. There is food on the
tables and mead in the horns and a great big arm over the door. See the
feasters. They are singing and laughing and drinking. Are they happy
that Grendel is dead? Yes. Are they happy they can laugh and sing and
play again? Yes, but most of all they are happy that there is more
mead.
Drink, Beowulf, drink!
See Hrothgar. He is happy. Happy happy happy. Is he happy that
Grendel is dead? Is he happy that there is more mead? Yes, but he is
mostly happy because his wife has stopped complaining. Smile, Hrothgar,
smile.
O see Grendel's mother. She is sad. Sad sad sad. Is she sad because
Grendel is gone? Is she sad because her other children never call? Is
she sad because the Angels are losing again? Yes, she is sad because
of all these things, but mostly because she won't get any more Mother's
Day presents. This makes her mad. Mad mad mad!
She gets so mad that she decides to have some Danish for dessert. That
is silly! Everyone knows that you are supposed to have Danish for
breakfast. Silly silly silly. In fact, it is so silly that we think that
Grendel's mother may have had something besides food for dinner. We think
that Grendel's mother may have been drinking. Just like Beowulf.
See Beowulf. Now that there is mead again, he is drinking some more.
Drink, Beowulf, drink. When Grendel's mother comes to the feast,
Beowulf has already drunk quite a bit. So has Grendel's mother. He
thinks she is the most beautiful woman in the world and makes a pass at
her. Pass, Beowulf, pass. She is caught off guard and says no. Tease,
monster, tease. Beowulf tries again. She leaves and he goes home with
her. Grendel's mother was never heard from again. Beowulf was very quiet
about the whole situation. Quiet, quiet, quiet.
The End.
From - Thu Nov 20 09:44:24 1997
Subject: Accountants
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't
understand.
What's the definition of a good tax accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him.
When does a person decide to become an accountant?
When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an
undertaker.
What does an accountant use for birth control?
His personality.
What's an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his
own.
What's an auditor?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
There are three kinds of accountants in the world. Those who can count
and those who can't.
How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the
wrong way.
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
Depreciation.
An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value
of
nothing.
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his
doctor.
"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours
trying to
find it."
From - Fri Nov 21 10:24:38 1997
Subject: Irishmen
An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender
finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave
and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and
get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once
outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls
home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He
crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his
bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right
into bed and is sound asleep. He awakens the next morning to his
wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out
drinking again!!" "How did you know?" he asks. "The pub
called, you left your wheelchair there again."
From - Mon Nov 24 11:16:54 1997
Subject: Cynic's Dictionary Definitions, Part 2
MORE DEFINITIONS FROM "THE CYNIC'S DICTIONARY"
AUTHOR A writer with connections in the publishing industry.
BOSS A personal dictator appointed to those of us fortunate enough to
live
in free societies.
CHILDHOOD The rapidly shrinking interval between infancy and first
arrest on
a drug or weapons charge.
DENIAL How an optimist keeps from becoming a pessimist.
EXPERIENCE In the working world, something you can't get unless you've
already got it, in which case you probably don't want any more of it.
FITNESS Salvation through perspiration.
GOURMET A food fetishist.
HOOKER A working woman commonly despised by people who sell themselves
for
even less.
IDEOLOGUE Generally an obscure humorless zealot who finds fulfillment
by
spouting the ideas of famous humorless zealots.
JEANS Lower half of the international uniform of youth, the upper half
being
the zits.
KLEPTOMANIAC A thief with breeding.
LABORATORY ANIMALS Furry foot-soldiers drafted in the name of
science. Some
die nobly in the battle to eradicate cancer; others give their lives so
that
we might produce a peach-scented dandruff shampoo.
MARTIAL ARTS A family of Asiatic self-defense disciplines consisting
largely
of sweeping ornamental gestures of the arms and legs; amusing to look
at but
disappointingly ineffective when one's opponent is armed with a
semi-automatic.
NEIGHBORS The strangers who live next door.
ORGASM The punchline some women just don't get, generally because
their
mates have a tendency to rush through the joke.
PARASITE A base creature that extracts a living from the lives of
others,
like a tapeworm or a biographer.
QUAGMIRE Any situation more easily entered into than exited from;
e.g., a
guerrilla war, a bad marriage or a conversation with an insurance
salesman.
REDNECK Popular term for a rustic male, but rarely employed when
addressing
one in person.
SMILE To expose a portion of one's skeleton as a gesture of goodwill
toward
a fellow human.
TRAILER PARKS Latter-day gypsy camps scattered throughout the vast
American
hinterland; humble places of abode where hope dies young and tornadoes
gravitate like flies to roadkill.
UNWED MOTHER One who helps perpetuate the genes of an unwed father,
without
the latter's talent for becoming invisible at will.
VOTING The right of our citizens to do as they please behind a
curtain, as
long as they do it alone.
WHITE SUPREMACISTS The most convincing argument against the theory of
white
racial superiority.
X-RAY A diagnostic tool used to detect existing cancerous growths and
create
new ones for future examinations to reveal.
Y-CHROMOSOME A line of genes designed for men only; the cause of
virility,
war, baldness, hockey, sex crimes, clever inventions and a
disinclination to
ask for directions when lost.
ZOO A pleasant and instructive wildlife park, lately denounced for
depriving
animals of their right to starve or be eaten alive in their natural
habitats.
READ MORE AT "THE CYNIC'S SANCTUARY"
http://www.amz.com/cynic
"The Cynic's Dictionary" is published by William Morrow. All
definitions (c)
Rick Bayan.
From - Wed Nov 26 10:07:49 1997
Subject: Now that's an engineer...
References:
At his office at Dayton Engineering Laboratories (Delco), which he
founded
in 1909, Charles Kettering would instruct his secretary to inform
unwanted visitors that he was dead.
Such behavior wasn't uncharacteristic for the eccentric businessman and
industrial inventor. Shortly after Delco was acquired by General
Motors,
in 1919, Kettering was disgusted when a group of engineers--who thought
they could calculate the point at which improvement in any procedure
became impossible--told him that painting a car, which at the time took
up
to 37 days, could be cut to less than a month. "An hour would be more
like
it," Kettering shot back.
Kettering soon developed his own quick-drying paint. But the engineers
still insisted that a one-hour paint job was impossible. So Kettering
invited one skeptic to lunch. The two finished their meal and headed
out
to the GM parking lot.
Confused and embarrassed, the guest admitted that he couldn't find his
automobile. "Isn't that yours?" asked Kettering, motioning to a nearby
car. "It looks like mine," the man replied, "but my car isn't that
color."
Said Kettering, "Now it is."
From - Fri Nov 28 10:13:26 1997
Subject: warranty card
WARRANTY CARD ON PURCHASED GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL[tm]
Dear Special Interest,
Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine Government
Official[tm].
With regular maintenance your Government Official[tm] should provide
you with a lifetime of sweetheart deals, insider information,
preferential legislation and other fine services. Before you begin using
your product, we would appreciate it if you would take the time to fill
out this customer service card. This information will not be sold to any
other party, and will be used solely to aid us in better fulfilling your
future needs in political influence.
1. Which of our fine products did you buy?
__ President
__ Vice-President
__ Senator
__ Congressman
__ Governor
__ Cabinet Secretary - Commerce
__ Cabinet Secretary - Other
__ Other Elected Official (please specify)
__ Other Appointed Official (please specify)
2. How did you hear about your Government Official[tm]?
Please check all that apply.
__ TV ad.
__ Magazine / newspaper ad.
__ Shared jail cell with.
__ Former law partner of.
__ Unindicted co-conspirator with.
__ Procured for.
__ Related to.
__ Recommended by lobbyist.
__ Recommended by organized crime figure.
__ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (On Internet.)
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__ Spoke at fundraiser at my temple.
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3. How do you expect to use your Government Official[tm]?
(Please check all that apply.)
__ Obtain lucrative government contracts.
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__ Forestall military action against self / allies.
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targets for future conquest.
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__ Obtain pardon for self / associates / spouse.
__ Inflict punitive legislation on class enemies / rivals / hated
ethnic groups.
__ Inflict punitive regulation on business competitors / environmental
exploiters / capitalist pigs.
4. What factors influenced your purchase?
(Please check all that apply.)
__ Performance of currently owned model.
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__ Party affiliation.
__ Professed beliefs of Government Official[tm].
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5. Is this product intended as a replacement for a currently owned
Government Official[tm]? ______
If you answered "yes," please indicate your reason(s) for changing
models.
__ Excessive operating / maintenance costs.
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__ Defect in current model:
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Thank you for your valuable time.
Always remember: in choosing a Government Official[tm] you have chosen
the best politician that money can buy.
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