November 1998...
Date: Mon, 2 Nov 1998 06:14:53 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: What is Truth?
The modern version, from a famous legend.
The Cherry Tree Hearings
"George?"
"Yes, father."
"George, I have a very serious question to ask you and I want you to
promise you'll answer truthfully. Will you?"
"Yes, father."
"Good. Now here is the question. Did you cut down my cherry tree?"
"No, father."
"You're quite sure?"
"Yes, father."
"Well, I'm afraid I'm very disappointed in you, George."
"Why, father?"
"Because 12 people saw you cut down the cherry tree with your little
hatchet."
"Oh."
"In view of that, would you like to change your previous answer, George?"
"No, father. I believe the answer I gave you was legally accurate."
"You still insist you were telling me the truth?"
"In my own mind I was telling you the truth, yes father."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"Well, you asked me if I had "cut' down the tree. In my own mind, it
seemed to me that "cutting' is something one does with a knife or a
sickle. In my own mind it seemed that, since I used my little hatchet,
the relationship I had with the tree, while perhaps inappropriate, was not
a "cutting' relationship. I would call it a "chopping' relationship."
"Very well. I'll give you another chance, George. Listen very carefully.
Did you chop down my cherry tree?"
"No, father."
"No? No? Why do you still say no?"
"Because, father, I cannot tell a lie. And in my own mind I did not "chop
down' your cherry tree."
"Well, what did you do, then?"
"I chopped it into two pieces and one piece fell to the ground."
"So you chopped it down."
"No, father, I merely chopped it. I did not cause that piece to fall down.
The force of gravity caused it to fall down. Were it not for the force of
gravity, over which I have absolutely no control, the tree, though
segmented, would presumably still be up, not down."
"George, I'm losing patience with you. But I'm going to give you one last
chance to tell the truth. Did you take your little hatchet and chop my
cherry tree, which action on your part, combined with the force of
gravity, caused the tree to fall down?"
"No, father."
"NO? NO? IT'S STILL NO? HOW CAN YOU STILL SAY NO?"
"I still say no because of my legendary regard for the truth, father.
What is that object at which I am pointing with my childish little
finger?"
"It's the stump of the cherry tree you cut down."
"And isn't the stump part of the tree, father?"
"It sure is."
"In fact, isn't the stump the most important part of the tree, father,
since, without a stump there would be no tree?"
"I guess so."
"Yet the stump is still standing. So when you asked me if I had chopped
down the tree, my own mind said to me, 'George, you must tell the truth.
And the truthful answer is no. You chopped, gravity caused part of the
tree to fall down, yet the most important part of the tree is still
standing.' "
"I see."
"All I can suppose father, is that those 12 people whose exaggerated
claims allege they saw me "cut down' the entire "tree' were motivated not
by a search for truth, but by some personal vendetta against me, perhaps
because I am from Virginia."
"George, you're a real crafty little guy."
"Thank you, father."
"Have you thought about what you want to be when you grow up?"
"Yes, father. If they ever build a White House I would like to occupy it
as the first White House lawyer."
Date: Tue, 3 Nov 1998 07:05:01 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: The Theology of Toys
The Theology of Toys
****************
Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins.
Hari Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins.
Judaism - He who buys toys at the lowest price, wins.
Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
Anglican - They were our toys first.
Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first.
Branch Davidians - He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.
Atheism - There is no toy maker.
Polytheism - There are many toy makers.
Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.
Church of Christ, Scientist - We are the toys.
Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you go straight
to the opposite of heaven if we catch you selling yours.
Baha'i - All toys are just fine with us.
Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
Taoism - The doll is as important as the dumptruck.
Mormonism - Every boy may have as many toys as he wants.
Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second...
Hedonsim - Hang the rule book! Let's play!
7th Day Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
Church of Christ - He whose toys make music, loses.
Baptist - Once played always played.
Jehovah's Witnesses - He who "places" the most toys door-to-door, wins.
Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.
Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination.
Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in water, it is no longer dry.
Non-denominationalism - We don't care where the toys came from, let's
just play.
Date: Wed, 4 Nov 1998 06:55:20 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Microsoft's branching out...
...from one of you subscribers...
We were talking in the office the other day about Microsoft branching
out into other industries (toys, securities, etc.), and trying to
imagine what else they could possibly start to manufacture.
Mike: "Next thing you know, they'll be making Microsoft Condoms."
Me: "Gives whole new meaning to the words 'General Protection
Fault.'"
Date: Thu, 5 Nov 1998 06:57:24 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: speaka da Eenglish goodly...
Rules for Writers
==============
1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly
superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however
should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth
shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate
quotations. Tell me what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist
hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
And finally...
34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Date: Fri, 6 Nov 1998 05:38:16 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Butter
Two guys are out one day golfing. One slices off to the right, one
hooks off to the left and they both go to retrieve their balls.
The guy on the right is hacking and hacking at the ball but just can't
lift it out of the buttercups. It has become lodged in.
All of a sudden, up from the ground comes Mother Nature and is she mad!
"What the hell are you doing to my beautiful buttercups?" she asks.
"I'm just trying to get my golf ball out of them, lady," replies the
golfer.
"Well, you are really making me mad. Just look what you've done to my
buttercups. For this I must punish you. Your punishment will be an entire
year without butter!"
The golfer starts laughing hysterically which by now has just about worn
out Mother Nature's patience.
"What in the hell do you think is so funny about no butter for a year?"
she screams at him.
"I'm not laughing about that - I'm laughing about my friend over there
whacking the hell out of your pussy willows!"
Date: Mon, 9 Nov 1998 07:21:39 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: quotes
"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was,
You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not!
If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' "
--Larry Miller
********************************************************************
"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?"
--Marilyn Pittman
********************************************************************
"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the
Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?"
--Robin Williams
********************************************************************
"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new
boyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her dad."
--Christopher Case
********************************************************************
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and
before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger
********************************************************************
"I've been doing the Fonda workout: The Peter Fonda workout. That's where
I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister's house
and ask her for money."
--Kevin Meaney
********************************************************************
"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the
lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to
teach you how to swim.' "
--Paula Poundstone
********************************************************************
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
********************************************************************
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's
how dogs spend their lives."
--Sue Murphy
********************************************************************
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is
suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends. If they are okay, then it's you."
--Rita Mae Brown
********************************************************************
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent
image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over
it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of
the body before you do the wash."
--Jerry Seinfeld
********************************************************************
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war.
Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss
Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there.
Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me,
the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe
clippers right here.' "
--Jerry Seinfeld
********************************************************************
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my
fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
********************************************************************
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold
enough. Let's go west.' "
--Richard Jeni
********************************************************************
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would
be dead."
--Johnny Carson
********************************************************************
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez
********************************************************************
"Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when
God talks to us we're schizophrenic?"
--Lily Tomlin
********************************************************************
"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to
accept God's final word on where your lips end."
--Jerry Seinfeld
********************************************************************
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall
people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson
********************************************************************
"Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit.
That's why you should never date a baseball player."
--Marsha Warfield
********************************************************************
"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use
language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be.
But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We
aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."
--Jeff Stilson
********************************************************************
"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up
something else."
--Lily Tomlin
********************************************************************
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same
thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"
--Rita Rudner
Date: Tue, 10 Nov 1998 05:40:22 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Snow White...
Snow White received a camera as a gift. She joyfully took many pictures
of the Dwarves, the forest, the animals, etc. She quickly finished her
first roll, and immediately took the film into town to be developed.
"How long before they're ready?" Snow asked the clerk. He informed her
it would be at least 6 days, as they had to send it to the Big City to be
processed (remember, they didn't have 1-hour processing OR FedEx back
then!) After a week, she went to get the finished photos. The clerk told
her they were not yet back from the processor.
"Come back next week", he said to her. Of course, as the story goes,
she returned the following week for her 4x6 glossies, but they
still had not returned! Snow White was so distraught that she started to
sob right there at the counter.
The clerk, trying to console her, (and wanting to relax the other
customers, who were already starting to shift uncomfortably, so they
didn't bolt from the store) said kindly, "Don't worry, Dear... Someday
your prints will come."
Date: Wed, 11 Nov 1998 06:22:33 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Blood on the Risers
In honor of Veterans Day, I give you the song every trooper learns at the
US Army jump school at Ft. Benning, GA and sings at graduation:
Blood upon the Risers
(Tune "Glory, Glory, Hallelujah")
He was just a rookie trooper and he surely shook with fright
As he checked all his equipment and made sure his pack was tight
He has to sit and listen to those awful engines roar,
"You ain't gonna jump no more!"
(chorus)
"Is everybody happy?" said the sergeant, looking up
Our hero feebly answered, "Yes" and then they stood him up
He leaped into the icy blast, his static line unhooked
And he ain't gonna jump no more!
(chorus)
He counted long, he counted loud, he waited for the shock
He felt the wind, he felt the cloud, he felt the awful drop
He jerked his cord, the silk spilled out and wrapped around his legs
And he ain't gonna jump no more!
(chorus)
The risers wrapped around his neck, connectors cracked his dome
The lines were snarled and tied in knots around his skinny bones
The canopy became his shroud, he hurled to the ground
And he ain't gonna jump no more!
(chorus)
The days he lived and loved and laughed kept running through his mind
He thought about the girl back home the one he left behind
He thought about the medics and he wondered what they would find
And he ain't gonna jump no more!
(chorus)
The ambulance was on the spot, the jeeps were running wild
The medics clapped their hands with glee, rolled up their sleeves and smiled
For it had been a week or more since the last chute had failed
And he ain't gonna jump no more!
(chorus)
He hit the ground, the sound was "SPLAT," the blood went spurting high
His buddies all were heard to say "What a helluva way to die!"
He lay there rolling 'round in the welter of his gore
And he ain't gonna jump no more!
(chorus)
There was blood upon the risers, there were brains upon the chute
Intestines were a-dangling from his paratrooper suit
The medics picked him up and poured him gently from his boots
And he ain't gonna jump no more!
(BIG CHORUS!)
Glory, glory, what a helluva way to die
Glory, glory, what a helluva way to die
Glory, glory, what a helluva way to die;
And he ain't gonna jump no more!
Date: Thu, 12 Nov 1998 06:06:44 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Washington, DC
You know that you are in Washington, DC when:
1. People just call the city "DC".
2. The government closes schools because there is a 40% CHANCE of snow.
(That is if they aren't already closed to tar the roofs)
3. Everyone calls the 10 inches of snow last year "THE GREAT BLIZZARD".
4. All the people on the city board know the mayor from their time in
Lorton together. (for you furriners, Lorton is the DC prison)
5. There are 15 main ways out of the city onto the highway but no signs to
say where these are.
6. Drivers pick up strangers at bus stops so that they can drive in the
HOV during rush hour.
7. You spend 2 hours to find a parking space and it's for "one hour only".
8. The road you are on is suddenly interrupted by a building.
9. People give directions by how long it will take to get to the
destination at different times of the day.
10. The weather man declares the weather is suddenly a cool 89 degrees
with only 90% humidity and you are happy.
11. Diplomat plates bring on anxiety attacks.
12. The weatherman calls for 2 inches of snow and you have to rush to the
grocery store to buy diapers, milk, bread, and toilet paper... and you
don't even have a baby.
13. You watch the World/National News to find out what to do this weekend.
14. You race for the elevator.
15. You dream of moving to the suburbs only to look out the window of your
$300,000 house directly into your neighbor's window 4 feet away.
16. Nobody you know actually makes anything.
17. Most of your friends want to become "independent consultants" (or
have).
18. All of your friends are either:
a. Lawyers,
b. Computer People,
c. Work for some gov't organization with a short abbreviation (i.e..
IRS, DOD, DOE, etc..)
d. Work "for the Pentagon" or "on the Hill" or for "the White House"
(i.e. they work for a location, but not for anyone)
19. Knowing somebody that can get you into an embassy, The White House, or
congressional party is a status symbol.
20. People talk in acronyms and they actually understand each other.
21. When you ask someone what they do for a living they respond "I would
tell you but then I'd have to kill you". And they are serious.
22. You can spend every weekend going to free things, with all the
billion other people who had the same idea.
23. You stop someone on the street to ask for directions, and 75% of the
time they say oh sorry, they are just visiting too.
Date: Fri, 13 Nov 1998 07:07:21 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Amnesia after sex: Who are you, Honey?
UPI Science News
BALTIMORE, Nov. 5, (UPI) -- Sexual intercourse can cause temporary
amnesia in men and women, according to a new report.
Writing in the latest edition of The Lancet, a British scientific
journal, two researchers from Johns Hopkins Medical Institutions in
Baltimore, both hematologists, detail case studies of two men who lost
memory after sexual intercourse with their wives.
Dr. Chi Van Dang, lead author of the report, and colleague Dr. Lawrence
Gardner, said the amnesia was caused by ``bearing down hard, the way some
people do when they move their bowels, deliver a baby or have sexual
intercourse.''
The ``bearing down'' is known in medicine as a Valsalva maneuver, he
said.
Dang told United Press International in an interview that while not
common, global amnesia seems to occur in 10 out of 100,000 people.
Global amnesia can last six to 12 hours, he said, and seems to be
related to migraine headaches. People who suffer migraines also have
``blood vessel spasms,'' causing a decrease in blood flow to the brain, he
told UPI.
The Lancet article discussed the cases of two men, 72 and 75, whose
wives took them to a hospital a half hour or so after sexual relations. In
both cases, the men became seriously confused, could not identify the
current U.S. president, and though each remained fully conscious, could
not remember what had happened.
Dang said the same kind of reaction can occur in anyone from the age of
about 40, not just the elderly.
Apparently, he wrote, the activation of the brain's sympathetic nervous
system during sex created intense pressure in blood vessels, resulting in
temporary lack of blood flow to the central part of the brain, which
resulted in amnesia.
When this happens, people don't remember what happened during
intercourse or afterward for six to 12 hours, he told UPI. And this period
remains blank, even hours later.
``In addition to the two cases that we reported, there are about six
other cases reported in the literature,'' Dang told UPI. ``All of these
patients had an onset of amnesia that lasted for a day or less. Anything
that occurred during this blackout period is not remembered. The patients,
however, are fully functional during this period.''
He said research suggests there are no long-term ill effects of global
amnesia.
``There is an association of migraine headaches with global amnesia,''
he told UPI. ``This suggests that in addition to the putative decrease in
blood flow to the central part of the brain, due to the Valsalva maneuver,
there might be blood vessel spasms, as in migraines, also enhanced by
sympathetic discharge, causing a further decrease in blood flow. The
resulting hypothetical condition is a stunning of the brain, resulting in
an inability to retain memory for a short period of time.''
Amnesia usually occurs after intercourse, but sometimes people can't
remember having sex, either, Dang told UPI. When it happens once, it
likely will happen again in about 5 percent of cases, he said, ``so it's
not an infrequent event.''
Both patients whose cases he detailed were relatively healthy, with no
major medical problems. The 72-year-old man was completely conscious after
having sex but was so confused his wife took him to a hospital, but a
neurological exam, including magnetic-resonance imaging (MRI) was normal.
The man returned to normal sexual activity with his wife, Dang said, and
has not suffered a recurrence of amnesia.
The 75-year-old became disoriented after sex and talked continuously
without making sense. Neurological exams revealed no deficits. He regained
orientation within 15 hours, but did not recall events that occurred
within the six hours after intercourse. He also has not reported further
trouble.
``These cases and those previously reported show a link between sexual
intercourse and transient global amnesia that can potentially recur,'' he
said in the paper. ``Both cases lend support (to results of other
research) and may also provide an explanation for many cases of this
syndrome, in which only a careful medical-social history will identify the
inciting event.''
Date: Mon, 16 Nov 1998 07:29:15 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Hastings; a different way of looking at it...
by Rathfled DuNoir, the
Black Bard of the Meridies...
1066 - The Storybook Version
By Rathflaed DuNoir
The Black Bard of Meridies, MSoB
O see Duke William. He is from Normandy. Normandy is in France where
they have wine and cheese and surrender all the time. But Duke William
was alive a long, long time ago before the French started surrendering to
everyone.
Duke William is partying with the other Normans. Party, party, party.
They are singing and dancing and drinking. Drink, Normans, drink. Why are
the Normans partying? Is it because it is Duke William's birthday? No, it
is not because it is Duke William's birthday. Is it because it is a
holiday? No, it is not because it is a holiday. Is it because they have
just won the world checkers championship? No, although that would be a
good reason to party. It is because they are bored. Bored, bored, bored.
And that's what Normans do when they get bored. Drink, Normans, drink.
One of Duke William's men has a great idea! Think, Norman, think! "Hey
Bill!", he says, "Let's go pick on some Saxons!" Duke William thinks this
is a smashing idea. Smash, smash, smash! He likes it so much that they
get the boats ready right away.
O see the Normans. They are not partying any more. They are sailing.
Are they sailing in a race? No, they are not sailing in a race. Are they
sailing on a cruise? No, they are not sailing on a cruise. They are
sailing to pick on some Saxons. Mangy, flea-bitten, yucky Saxons. The
Saxons live in England where they have bland cooking and lots of internal
rivalry. Not much has changed.
See the coast of England. It is white. In the distance, you can hear
the Saxons singing their war songs. [Optional: insert Efen's "I'm a
Saxon..."] Sing, Saxons, sing.
O see the Saxons. They are hairy and dirty and carry really big spears.
They are very happy. Happy, happy, happy. Why are they happy? Is it
because the Normans are coming to play? No, it is not because the Normans
are coming to play. Is it because they have just won the world checkers
championship? No, it is not because they have just won the world checkers
championship. Is it because they have just watched the Women's World
Jell-O Wrestling Championship? No, but that would be a good reason to be
happy. It is because they have just won a battle. Now they are ready to
win another one.
O see King Harold. He is arguing. Argue, argue, argue. He is arguing
with Duke William. He has called Duke William some nasty names in Saxon.
Duke William has called King Harold some nasty names, too. Duke William
wants King Harold's throne. Silly Norman. He doesn't know about the
British cooking yet. Silly, silly, silly.
O see the armies. They are ready to fight. Fight, fight, fight. They
are shouting and singing and banging on their shields. Wouldn't it be fun
to be a Norman or a Saxon and get to bang on your shield? Fun, fun, fun.
O see the pipers. Blow, pipers, blow. They are out of tune. It
figures.
See the armies charge at each other. See them hack and slash and rip
and tear and mangle each other. See them parry and thrust and beat and
poke and stab each other. Banging on shields is more fun than that. Even
if they did have to listen to the pipers.
See the armies. They are tired. Tired, tired, tired. They have been
fighting all day with no time-outs and the pipers are still playing. It
figures. Blow, pipers, blow. The Normans are running away. King Harold
says, "Wait!" but the Saxons follow anyway and leave him all alone. Silly
Saxons. The Normans are tricking them. Tricky Normans, tricky. When
they chase the Normans, the Normans run around behind and trap them. And
they shoot King Harold in the eye. So William got Harold's crown after
all and had to eat the British cooking. And King William had to listen to
the bagpipes. Blow, pipers, blow.
THE END
Date: Tue, 17 Nov 1998 06:23:53 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: down by the tracks...
free warning: this one is sicker than normal...
---------------------------------------
Two hunters had been out tramping in the back blocks together for a
couple of weeks. Unfortunately, because they had spent so much time
together, they were getting on each other's nerves. Their relationship
deteriorated.
Eventually, over breakfast at the camp fire one morning, one of the
hunters said to the other: "Look, we've spent too much time together. I
think we should go our separate ways today and get away from each other.
You go up the North Valley, and I'll go down the South Valley, and we'll
meet tonight at 7.00pm at the hut on the ridge."
The other hunter agreed and they duly went their separate ways for the
day.
When they met up at the hut that night, one hunter said: "That was a
good idea to get away from each other for a day. I feel much better
now. I went up the North Valley, into the trees. I savoured the scent
of the gum trees, and wandered among the spring flowers in the pastures,
and idly watched the bees flitting from flower to flower, and chased
butterflies. It was a real peaceful day, so serene, so spiritual. It
gave me the rest I needed. How did your day go?"
The other hunter said: "Well, I went down the South Valley and after a
while came across some railway lines. There I found a
beautiful, seductive, buxom young lass tied to the railway lines.
Completely naked. She was stunning! I untied the knots and took her
into the bushes nearby, laid her gently on the ground, and made love to
her all day. Such beautiful, passionate, sensual lovemaking! I've never
experienced anything like it in all my life. It was the ultimate! A
dream!"
"Wow!" said the first hunter. "I thought my day was good but yours
sure beats even that! Tell me, did she give you a good blow job?"
"Well, no," said the other. "I couldn't find her head."
Date: Wed, 18 Nov 1998 05:44:17 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Recreationalist Laws (fwd)
from an SCA friend of mine... :)
---------------------------
http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Forum/2888/laws.html
SILVERWING'S LAWS
[Disclaimer: Okay, the title is a misnomer. Only some of these are
original. I am the compiler, not the author. Additions, corrections,
attributions are all welcome. I've tried to identify the author (or, at
least, my source) when possible. Among these, "Tibor" is Baron Tibor of
Rock Valley, "Robin" is Master Robin of Gilwell, and "SaK" is, of course,
myself.]
Silverwing's Definition of the SCA's Purpose: Law No. Zero
"The SCA exists to provide an environment favorable to the amateur
practice of, dissemination of information about, and consequent
preservation of, diverse aspects of Medieval and Renaissance culture."
Creativist fun-mavens please note: "favorable to amateurs" implies that
the environment has to be enjoyable as a hobby.
THE LAWS
1.There is only one rule in the SCA: "Thou shalt not be tacky". All the
rest is commentary. [Barak Raz]
2.Gresham's Law applies to the SCA: Bad medievalism drives out the good.
[SaK and Thos. Gresham]
3.Never attribute to malice what can adequately be explained by stupidity.
[This is known as Hanlon's Razor]
4.The number of sauces at the feast is directly proportional to the
length of your dags times the cost of the material. [Alexandre sur le
Mer]
5.The media will always interview the worst-dressed person at the event.
If they can't find the worst-dressed person, they will interview the
least-dressed person. [Unknown]
6.What we want most from our kings is plenty to talk about, and that's
what our system gives us. [Sir Lars Vilhjalmsson]
7.If you say you're it, and no one else says they're it, and everyone
thinks you're it, then you're it. (The Virtual Warrant Principle) [SaK]
8.A jerk wearing a crown and five medallions is still a jerk. A noble
man need not be a nobleman. [SaK]
9.The problem with "The Dream" is not "Dream". It's "The". [Adelicia of
Gilwell & Robin of Gilwell]
This is not the Dream. This is what I do on weekends to have some fun.
The Dream involves 4 sets of identical twins, 2 gallons of Cool Whip, 5
quarts of chocolate syrup, 2-1/4 pounds of strawberries, satin sheets, a
magnum of champagne, a trapeze, and a python. [Sfi Mordecai ben Yosef
Yitzhak]
10.The reason the SCA functions the way it does is because its laws are
written by computer programmers. (The reason the USA functions the way it
does may be because its computer programs are written by lawyers.) [SaK]
11.The probability that you forgot to pack something is directly
proportional to the distance of the event times the necessity of the item.
[SaK]
12.There are only 25 faces in the SCA. It's okay, I don't remember your
name either. [Elspeth Keyfe of Neddingham] (Well, I think there're 18, but
it's her law....)
13.In the East, if the King says to dig a ditch, Curia must discuss and
approve it. In the West, if the King says to dig a ditch, it takes 4
months to find a shovel. [Alexander Listkeeper]
14.Art imitates life; life imitates art. (The best re-creations in the
SCA are the ones we don't even consciously try to create.) [SaK]
15.No plan survives contact with the enemy. [Field Marshal Helmuth von
Moltke, via Robin]
16.He is most to be feared who has nothing at stake. [Public domain]
17.It is better to have the Pope's ear than the King's crown. (If you
want to effect real change, work with the system. The crown will change
within 6 months.) [SaK]
I later found this Welsh proverb: Gwell car yn y llys nag aur ar fys
(Better a friend in the Court than gold on thy finger).
18.Though it be a law of Nature, there will always be someone to dispute
it. [SaK]
19.Name magic works in the SCA. (You know someone has become a friend
when they use your mundane name and you don't feel vaguely offended.)
[SaK]
20.Never expect the king to ask his herald first. [SaK]
21.Never believe the schedule in the Pre-Pennsic booklet. [SaK]
22.We can, therefore we do. We do, therefore we have always done. We
have always done, therefore we must always do. We must always do,
therefore an officer must oversee the doing. There is an officer,
therefore we must report. We must report, else we will lose our tax
status. (The Cascading Bureacracy Meme) [SaK]
23.Anything a king gives twice is an Order. (If the king gives me a
dead halibut, he has given me a dead halibut. If next week, he gives you
one, we are now Companions of the Halibut and I'm the principal.) [SaK]
24.SCA legislation is always reactive, never prospective. [SaK]
25.Semper litteris mandate (Always get it in writing). [Official motto
of the SCA College of Arms] (Yes, Laurel's crown says "Non Scripta Non
Est" {If not written, it doesn't exist}. But I recall this version from
Karina's Precedents, and it's on the West Kingdom's CoH seal.)
26.All that is needful to be respected is that one behave both
respectfully and respectably. [Galen of Bristol]
27.To gain face, give face; to lose face, try to save face or take face
away. [Frydherik Eysenkopf]
28.No one who is facing the audience should be surprised at court.
[Daniel of Lincoln (modified)]
29.The Prime Rule of Pennsic: It's your vacation, stupid! [SaK, with
thanks to the Clinton campaign....]
29A (Corollary) The 2nd Rule of Pennsic: It's everyone else's vacation,
too. Someone's got to make it happen.
30.Always assume that the Crown can. [SaK]
31.Backwards compatability means never being able to say 'Ooops, we
goofed'". [IBM via Tibor]
32.Beneath the calm, professional exterior of the SCA, lurk all the
subtle, interpersonal dynamics of a nursery school at recess. [Adapted
from Gary Trudeau, via Corun MacAnndra & Tibor]
33.Courtesy includes Justice, for Justice is Courtesy to Truth. [SaK]
34.No, it isn't fair. Neither were the Middle Ages. (And once you accept
that, life in the SCA gets a lot easier and makes much more sense.) [SaK]
35.Don't let the Best be the enemy of the Good. ["Cariadoc's Maxim",
Cariadoc of the Bow]
36."You Rule Because They Believe". [Reportedly engraved on the inner
surface of the Caidan crowns.]
37.Solving problems is easier if you haven't picked your solution before
you start. [Azelin Cola of Wishford a/k/a Ralph the Carter]
38.The three hardest things to say are "I'm sorry", "I was wrong", and
"I don't know". [Tibor of Rock Valley]
39.When in doubt, assume that any group of three or more people includes
someone who is cranky for the moment, and could interpret your actions
in the worst possible context. [Anton Winteroak]
40.If given a blank canvas a SCAthian will go out and LEARN how to make
paint. [Kimmer Bayleaf]
41.Justin's Rules of Good Bureaucracy:
Don't make a Law if a Policy will do.
Don't make a Policy if Custom suffices decently well.
And don't try to change Custom if things aren't broken in the first
place.
[Justin du Couer]
This is not meant to imply that the SCA actually adheres to these
policies, of course....
42.The SCA is pretty lax at enforcing its regulations, and cannot do
more than slap on the wrist. But becoming a social outcast makes the game
no fun. The penalty for violations of custom, while less precise, are
fiercer.[Tibor of Rock Valley]
43.The most important thing is a cool mug or goblet. Without a mug or
goblet, you end up with a paper cup or a modern bottle or an aluminum can
in your hand and you are a SLOB. Add a cool mug or goblet and immediately
you, too, are cool. [Duke Finvarr de Taahe]
44.No matter how great your triumphs in the SCA, 99.9993% of the planet
couldn't care less. [Unknown, but inspired by "Laszlo's Chinese
Relativity Axiom"]
45.Never hand someone a dagger unless you're sure where he's going to
throw it. [Adapted from Kathryn M. Drennan]
46.The fact that I'm neutral means I'm not on your side. [Saleem
ibn-Alefan]
47.Every weekend, we gather hundreds of people together, none of whom
have had enough sleep. ["Robin's Unified Theory" of SCA Dynamics]
48.No problem is so big or so complicated that it can't be run away
from. [Charles Schultz via Linus van Pelt and Robin]
49.It's the inherent right of all to make dern fools of ourselfs. It
ain't held by official types alone. So don't mess with it. [Walt Kelly via
Porky Pine & Robin]
50.It's not enough to be involved; you have to be committed. Think of a
plate of ham & eggs. The chicken is involved; the pig is committed.
[Martina Navratilova via Robin]
51.As long as we would rather have wearable shoes than perfect theories
about shoes, academic standards are the wrong measure for our work. The
measure of a paper is not the measure of a shoe. [Robin of Gilwell]
52.All that is necessary for tacky to triumph is that class acts should
do nothing. [Azelin Cola of Wishford]
53.Re-creation necessarily implies research before the craftwork starts.
If you haven't done the research, you can create, but you cannot possibly
RE-create. [Arval d'Espas Nord]
54.Arguing with a herald is like wrestling with a pig. First you get
really dirty and muddy, and then, after a while, you begin to realize the
pig is enjoying himself. [Ernst Nuss von Kitzingen]
55.Only Pennsic is worth the level of inconvenience that only Pennsic
requires. [Tibor]
Okay, maybe this doesn't belong here. But I like it anyway....
Don't take anyone to bed that you don't enjoy kissing. [I'm not
telling!]
Date: Thu, 19 Nov 1998 05:45:41 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Gilbert and Sullivan are spinning...
Today’s Religious Liberal
Tune: Gilbert & Sullivan, Words: Beth McGregor, Sharon, MA
I am the very model of a modern Unitarian;
I'’m not a Catholic, Buddhist, Hindu, Jew, or Presbyterian.
I know the world’s religions and can cite their roots historical
From Moses up to Channing, all in order categorical.
I'’m very well acquainted too with theories theological,
On existential questions I am almost wholly logical;
About most any question I am teeming with a lot of views,
With many fine ideas that should fill a church’s empty pews.
I quote from Freud and Jung and all the experts psychological.
I'’m anti-nuke, I dn'’t pollute I'’m chastely ecological.
In short, in matters spiritual, ethical, material,
I am the very model of today’s religious liberal.
IN SHORT, IN MATTERS SPIRITUAL, ETHICAL, MATERIAL,
(S)HE IS THE VERY MODEL OF TODAY’S RELIGIOUS LIBERAL.
I use the latest language, God is never Father or the Lord,
But Ground of Being, Source of Life, or almost any other word.
I never pray, I meditate, I'’m leery about worshiping;
I serve on ten committees, none of which accomplish anything.
I give to worthy causes, and I drive a gas-conserving car;
I have good UU principles, although I'’m not sure what they are.
I’m open to opinions of profound and broad variety,
Unless they'’re too conservative or smack of righteous piety.
I can formulate agendas and discuss ‘em with the best of ‘em.
But don’t ask me to implement - I leave that to the rest of ‘em.
In short, in matters spiritual, ethical, material,
I am the very model of today’s religious liberal.
IN SHORT, IN MATTERS SPIRITUAL, ETHICAL, MATERIAL,
(S)HE IS THE VERY MODEL OF TODAY’S RELIGIOUS LIBERAL.
Date: Fri, 20 Nov 1998 06:07:51 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: New Hymn
New Hymn for Deism
Gimme that ole time De-iz-m
Gimme that ole time De-iz-m
Gimme that ole time De-iz-m,
It's good enough for me.
(Refrain after each verse.)
Let us worship Aphrodite,
Though we hear she's rather flighty
Still she wears a see-through nightie
And that's good enough for me.
We will pray to Father Zeus
In his temple we'll hang loose
Eating roast beef au jus,
And that's good enough for me.
Let us worship like the Druids
Drinking strange fermented fluids
Running naked through the wo-ods,
And that's good enough for me.
My roommate worships Buddha.
There is no idol cuter.
Comes in copper, bronze, and pewter,
And that's good enough for me.
Let us pray to Zarathustra
Let us pray just like we useta
I'm a Zarathustra boosta
It's good enough for me.
Let us pray like the Egyptians
Build pyramids to put our crypts in
Fill our subways with inscriptions
It's good enough for me.
We will sing a song of Mithras
Let us sing a song of Mithras
But there is no rhyme for Mithras!
Still he's good enough for me.
We will go to worship Kali
She will help us in our folly
She'd be quite an armful, golly!
And she's good enough for me.
Let us worship old Jehovah
All you other gods move ovah
Cause the one God's takin' over
And it's good enough for me
Let us sing the praise of Loki,
He's the old Norse God of Chaos
Which is why this verse doesn't particularly
rhyme or scan or anything like that,
But it's good enough for me!
Date: Mon, 23 Nov 1998 06:00:31 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Sometimes, a cigar is...
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to
his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!"
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"
"No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that
would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of
court."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the
defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer,
"Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!"
Confidently the lawyer responded, "I'm sure we would have lost the
case if you'd sent them."
"But I did send them," replied the man.
"What?" shouted the lawyer.
"I sure did, that's how we won the case... good thing I remembered to
enclose the plaintiff's business card."
Date: Tue, 24 Nov 1998 06:01:02 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: NBA Sponsorship Program
With an NBA player's strike against the team owners, now is the time for
us to show the world just how much we care. It's just not right. Hundreds
of basketball players in our very own country are living at or just below
the seven-figure salary line. And as if that weren't bad enough, they
will be deprived of pay for several weeks - possibly a whole year! But now
you can help! For about two thousand dollars a day - that's less than the
cost of a large screen projection TV - you can help keep a basketball
player economically viable during his time of need. Two thousand dollars
a day may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a basketball player
it could mean the difference between a vacation spent golfing in Florida
or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, two thousand dollars is nothing more
than three months rent or mortgage payments. But to a basketball player,
two thousand dollars a day will almost replace his salary. Your
commitment of two thousand dollars a day will enable a player to buy that
home entertainment center, trade in the year old Lexus for a new Ferrari,
or enjoy a weekend in Rio.
"HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?"
Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player
you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds,401(k), real
estate and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. You'll
also get information on how he plans to invest the $5 million lump sum he
will receive upon retirement.
"HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING"
Your basketball player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who
just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your
name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special
operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses.
Simply fill out the form below.
[ ] YES, I want to help!
I would like to sponsor a striking NBA basketball player.
My preference is checked below:
[ ] Starter
[ ] Reserve
[ ] Star*
[ ] Superstar**
[ ] Entire team***
[ ] I'll sponsor a player most in need. Please select one for me.
*Higher cost
**Much higher cost
***Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific team.
(Does not include cheerleaders)
Please charge the account listed below $2,054.79 per day for reserve or
starter for the duration of the strike. Please send me a picture of the
player I have sponsored, along with a team logo and my very own NBA
Players Association badge to wear proudly on my lapel.
[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express
[ ] Discover Card [ ] Diner's Club
Your Name: __________________________
Telephone Number: __________________________
Account Number:__________________________ Exp.Date:
Signature: __________________________
Mail completed form to NBA Players Association or call 1-888-TOO-MUCH
now to enroll by phone (Children under 18 must have parent's approval)
Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player they have
sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not limited
to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties. Keep in mind that
the basketball player you have sponsored will be much to busy enjoying his
free time, thanks to your generous donations.
Contributions are not tax deductible, but they darned well ought to be.
Source: Fawol Schott
Date: Wed, 25 Nov 1998 06:00:29 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: pun OTD
This frog walks into a bank and sits down in front of a loan officer.
The loan officer says "my name is John Paddywhack, how can I help you?"
"Well," says the frog, "my name is Kermit Jagger and I would like a loan."
"Kermit Jagger, any relation to Mick Jagger?" asks Paddywhack.
"Yes, he is my father, now how about that loan?"
"Do you have any collateral?"
"I have this elephant" says the frog as he hands over a small ceramic
elephant.
"I don't know about this, I'll have to talk to my manager."
"Ok" says the frog, "and tell him I said hi."
So the loan officer walks into the manager and tells him that there is a
frog named Kermit Jagger who wants a loan and the only collateral he can
offer is this elephant thing, and he doesn't even know what it is.
The bank manager replies: "It's a knickknack, Paddywhack, give the frog
a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone."
Date: Mon, 30 Nov 1998 05:51:42 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Don's Mom And The Turkey
forwarded to me. Mine was MUCH better than this. Enjoy!
---------------------------
DON'S MOM AND THE TURKEY
It all started in July at a grocery store promotion. "How large is this
turkey?" the local grocery store asked. Guesses ran to 30 pounds or so,
but actually it was 42 pounds. This was, needless to say, a "large"
turkey. But in July, no one wanted the turkey, and it was put in the
freezer till a more auspicious time.
And so it came to pass that Mom was in the store just before the
Holidays in 1994, and since she is a naturally talkative person, she
struck up a conversation with the butcher at the counter. "I need a kind
of big turkey for my family coming," said Mom. To which the butcher
replied, "Well, if you are looking for a big turkey, I may have just the
thing." And he hauled out the 42-pound bird for Mom.
"Nice big bird," said Mom, "but it would cost far too much for my fixed
income budget."
"Here's the deal," said the friendly butcher. "I can't move this bird at
all at the usual price. No one wants a bird this big, so tell you what
I'll do. I'll sell you this turkey for 49 cents a pound."
Mom, being nobody's fool, thought that such a purchase would be entirely
reasonable. After all, twenty bucks for a really BIG turkey would be a
reasonable price. And besides, of such stuff are Really Neat Family
Legends made. (Little did she know.)
"Sold," said Mom.
It took four days to thaw out.
I showed up in Fargo two days before, and Mom was all a-twitter with
ideas for how to put on a family dinner tour de force. We are talking
"major" stuffing here. And so, off we went to the various stores to
purchase dinner-making stuff.
Let me point out something important here. No one makes a roasting bag
to handle a 40 pound turkey. And few roasters can handle it either. So we
bought one of those nifty open aluminum roasting pans, figuring to cover
it with, oh, an acre or two of aluminum foil.
But there were some other interesting engineering problems to deal with.
Like how to lift it. "No problem," said Mom, "we'll just get some
cheesecloth, wrap the bird in a kind of sling, and lift it that way."
Elegant solution. Mom, methinks, has missed her true calling of engineer.
And so, the Night Before, figuring we'd need a really long cooking time,
we stuffed, slung, positioned, covered, vented the bird, and popped it in
the oven at about 1:30 a.m. And so to bed, for a long winter's nap. Wrong.
At 3:15 a.m., I heard my Mom calling my name. Now you have to
understand, when things are going well, I am "Don" to everyone, including
Mom. But when that is not the case, I become "Donald." And Mom has a
special way of saying Donald. "Donald," she said, "oh, Donald!"
I responded groggily. "What? Whatsamatter?" I know Mom, and waking
folks at 3:15 a.m. is just not her style.
"Donald," she said, "we have a problem."
"What," I responded, "problem do we have?"
"Our turkey is running over," said Mom. The shift from "the" turkey to
"our" turkey was subtly done, in retrospect. At the time, it was
effective. This was now a joint crisis.
For those who do not see such things clearly, it turns out that turkeys,
in the process of cooking, release large quantities of juices, which for
normal birds often later becomes gravy. For this bird, it had become a
flood, and had overflowed the all-too-shallow roasting pan into the
bottom of a hot oven.
Smoke. Small apartment. Smoke detectors at 3:16 a.m., roughly
corresponding to opening the oven door. And cleaning turkey juices from
the bottom of a hot oven at 3:19 a.m. is No Easy Thing, I can assure you.
Many towels, not of the paper variety. Even some other cloth materials I
still do not recognize. Mom is ready for any crisis of spill, it seems.
And so it got cleaned up. The towels got put in the washer at about
3:30 a.m., the fans blew the smoke out of the apartment. The smoke
detectors got reset, and so to bed, for an altogether shorter winter's
nap.
Wrong again.
The turkey overflowed again at 5:20 a.m. Same scenario, in all relevant
ways. We tried to suck up some of the juices from the roaster, but the
turkey baster bulb was bad, and wouldn't create a vacuum. Smoke alarms,
much general good-natured grousing, and Mom standing around saying
gratuitous things like "If I had known this would happen, I never would
have bought that darned turkey."
There is no way an eldest son can respond to that appropriately, other
than with variations on a theme of, "Oh, it's all right, Mom. This is just
Another Neat Adventure on the Road of Life, and Someday We'll All Laugh At
This Together." So we each played our preordained roles in the crisis, and
by that time, it was time to shower and shave and get ready for the
siblings, grandchildren, etc., and just hang out.
By about 11:30 a.m., the tiny kitchen was crowded with sisters, each
moving in a mysterious choreography, getting in each other's way, using
the Very Dish That I Needed for things like glorified rice and other
holiday dishes, and the general buzz of Big Holiday Meal Preparation.
And when the time came to lift the bird, out it came in Mom's
cheesecloth sling, just as nice as you please, and if I do say so myself,
it looked like something out of a Norman Rockwell painting on its platter.
Much frenetic activity followed, including the required Making of the
Gravy from what remained of the copious turkey juices in the bottom of the
pan. Mom is not one of your cornstarch gravy people. She does a flour
paste, mixing it thoroughly and putting it in a bowl, thereafter to be
stirred into the gravy juices for several minutes, and it really is quite
wonderful.
Now I have to tell you, I was standing right there, and I don't know how
it happened. But somehow, the white glass bowl with the flour/water
mixture in it ended up on top of the stove. On a burner. Which was on. The
bowl was opaque white glass, not Pyrex, and not made for this kind of
insult.
And the bowl exploded.
I don't mean cracked and fell apart, I mean "exploded," with a loud
bang, and the throwing waist-high of glass splinters mixed with flour and
water all around the kitchen, including onto the aforementioned hot
burner, which promptly gave off a cloud of smoke, setting off the
aforementioned smoke alarms yet again, which caused the smallest children
to panic and cry -- well, you get the idea.
Rising (well, stooping actually) to the occasion, I:
a. turned off the burner
b. threw everyone out of the kitchen
c. disconnected the smoke alarm
d. opened the windows
e. started to clean up the mess
Mom had been standing there all this time, watching this happen with an
air of almost mystic detachment. I was looking directly at her when she
recovered her equanimity. "Darn!," said Mom, "That was my last flour. I'll
have to go to the store and get some more." And she put her coat on and
out the door she went.
Leaving yours truly to once again reorganize the scene. And when she got
back with flour, about 15 minutes later, all was again In Order, and the
day progressed more or less uneventfully.
The dinner was magnificent. The quantity and quality of the leftovers
were astonishing. It was, in every possible way, An Event of Significance.
But (you may already have surmised) it was Not Yet Over.
Afterwards, the sisters took over the kitchen, cleaning everything up
and generally fulfilling the role of Dutiful Daughters (no sexism implied,
as I had already fulfilled the role of Dutiful Son for most of the
previous long winter's night), packing the dishwasher, putting stuff away,
etc.
And, as it turned out, Turning On the Self-Cleaning Oven.
Now, for those not familiar with the technology, SCOs heat themselves up
to a relatively high temperature, lock themselves (this is important) with
a solenoid so that no one can open them again, then heat WAY up and
literally burn the stuff off the inside, reducing it to a fine ash that
can easily be wiped out or even sucked out with a small vacuum cleaner.
Remember the turkey juice that had overflowed?
Well, there was still a fair amount of it left on the bottom of the
oven. We had not gotten around to sponging it out, and the late-arriving
sister didn't know that needed to be done.
So, oven REALLY hot and locked, turkey juice on the bottom, and a vent
for excess heat.
Smoke.
Not just a little smoke; we are talking SMOKE here -- billows of smoke,
clouds of acrid smoke, really serious smoke.
And the aforementioned smoke alarms, causing little children to panic
and cry.
Open windows, and smoke billows out. Open doors to hallway, and smoke
fills the entire apartment complex. Which, of course, has its own smoke
alarms and automatic fire department call relays.
And we can't open the oven, which takes a while to cool down, and still
pours smoke out the vents.
So, smoke, alarms, neighbors, fire department folks. We gave them all
some fudge, put fans in the windows, and assured everyone that The
Situation is Temporary and Really Under Control. Mom moved wraith-like
through it all, and kept saying "Boy, we're going to remember this one for
a long time."
Thanks for looking!
Now, please go back to the archives...