October 2000...
Date: Mon, 2 Oct 2000 13:27:39 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: A Funny Blonde Joke
Tickle Me Elmo
A blonde desperately looking for work goes into the toy factory in Erwin,TX.
The Personnel Manager looks over her resume and explains to her that he
regrets he has nothing worthy of her experience. The woman answers that she
really needs work and will take almost anything. The Personnel Manager hems
and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the "Tickle Me
Elmo" line, and nothing else. The woman happily accepts. He takes her down
to the line, explains her duties, and tells here that she should be in by
8:00 a.m. the next day.
The next day at 8:45 a.m. there's a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The "Tickle Me Elmo" line manager comes in and starts ranting about the
blonde that was just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly
backed up the assembly line is, the Personnel Manager suggests he show him
the problem.
Together they head down to the assembly line, and sure enough, Elmos are
backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the
blonde he hired. She has an entire roll of the bright fuzzy fabric used make
the Elmos and she has a big bag of marbles. They both watch curiously as she
cuts a little piece of fabric, takes 2 marbles, and starts sewing them
between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager is killing himself laughing, and finally after 20
minutes of rolling around, he pulls himself together and walks over to the
new employee and says "I'm sorry. I guess you misunderstood me yesterday.
What we need you to do is give Elmo two test tickles."
Date: Tue, 3 Oct 2000 12:29:56 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: How to Impress a Client
How to Truly Impress A Client.
I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks
ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the
corner, enjoying a drink.
I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle,
but she was running a little bit late.
Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft
chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would
do me a favor."
"Yes?"
"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm
waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives
as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, Ray,'?"
"Sure."
I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.
About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and
started to talk business.
A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill
Gates.
"Hi, Ray," he said.
I replied, "Fuck off, Gates, I'm in a meeting."
Date: Wed, 4 Oct 2000 08:42:55 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: some new odd conversions...
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite
year
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz [sic]
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower [sic]
Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line.
1 million microphones: 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds
10 cards: 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
10 rations: 1 decoration
100 rations: 1 C-ration
2 monograms: 1 diagram
8 nickels: 2 paradigms
3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital:
1 I.V. League
Date: Thu, 5 Oct 2000 09:59:02 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: geek humor
(from Alan Schulman) - Top 20 Replies By Programmers When Their Programs
Don't Work
20. "That's weird..."
19. "It's never done that before."
18. "It worked yesterday."
17. "How is that possible?"
16. "It must be a hardware problem."
15. "What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?"
14. "There is something funky in your data."
13. "I haven't touched that module in weeks!"
12. "You must have the wrong version."
11. "It's just some unlucky coincidence."
10. "I can't test everything!"
9. "THIS can't be the source of THAT."
8. "It works, but it hasn't been tested."
7. "Somebody must have changed my code."
6. "Did you check for a virus on your system?"
5. "Even though it doesn't work, how does it feel?
4. "You can't use that version on your system."
3. "Why do you want to do it that way?"
2. "Where were you when the program blew up?"
And the number one reply by programmers when their programs don't work:
1. "It works on my machine."
Date: Fri, 6 Oct 2000 09:16:12 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: have a good weekend!
An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were
standing on the back of the boat watching the moon when a wave came up and
washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find
her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that
he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It
read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of
the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her back was an
oyster and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000 Please advise." The old
man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
Date: Mon, 9 Oct 2000 18:39:18 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Emoticons Have Met Their Match
Finally, something other than smiley faces.... :o)
(o)(o) Perfect breasts
( + )( + ) Fake silicone breasts
(*)(*) Perky breasts
(@)(@)Big nipple breasts
o o A cups
{ O }{ O } D cups
(oYo) Wonder bra breasts
( ^ )( ^ ) Cold breasts
(o)(O) Lopsided breasts
(Q)(O) Pierced Breast
(p)(p) Hanging Tassels Breasts
\ o /\ o/ Grandma's Breasts
( - )( - )Against The Shower Door Breasts
| o | | o | Android Breasts
($)($) Martha Stewart's Breasts
Date: Tue, 10 Oct 2000 16:04:10 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: small world...
Two guys are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are two
terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but
where it's supposed to go.
The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we play through?"
The second guy gets about halfway there and comes back.
The first guy says, "What's wrong?"
He says, "One of them is my wife, and the other one is my mistress."
The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over."
He gets about halfway there and comes back.
The second guy says, "What's wrong?"
The first guy says, "Small world."
Date: Wed, 11 Oct 2000 11:35:32 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: QOTD
"The Windows logon process is not good for Type A personalities."
Date: Thu, 12 Oct 2000 11:39:09 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Halloween is coming...
A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock on the door of
this house and the man who answers it says, "Well, you two are awful
cute. Who are you supposed to be?"
"We're Jack and Jill" she replied.
The man says, "You can't be Jack and Jill, you're black!"
So, they go off and a while later they come back dressed
differently. They ring the doorbell and once again and the man opens the
door. "Well now, that is just darn cute. Who are you this time?"
"We're Hansel and Gretel" says the little boy.
"Well, I hate to disappoint you son, but you can't be Hansel and Gretel
because you're black!"
Heads hung low, they leave. Not too much later the man hears the bell
ring again. This time when he opens the door there stand the two children
but this time they are BUCK NAKED.
"Oh my! And just who are you supposed to be now?!" he asks.
"We're M & M's, " said the little girl. "I'm plain. He's with nuts!"
Date: Fri, 13 Oct 2000 09:07:58 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: .sig OTD
If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make,
who would you call?
What would you say?
Why are you waiting?
- Stephen Levine
Date: Mon, 16 Oct 2000 08:17:47 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Sig line OTD
"Contrary to popular opinion, Unix is very user friendly, it just happens
to be selective about who it makes friends with."
Date: Tue, 17 Oct 2000 10:02:20 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: New look at Papers
The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the
country.
USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but
don't understand The Washington Post.
The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the
country, if they could spare the time.
The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's
running the country.
The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the
country, as long as they do something scandalous.
The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a
country, or that anyone is running it.
The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country.
Date: Wed, 18 Oct 2000 09:05:25 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Russian joke
quote from a friend:
One for your joke book. I learned this on the plane to Oslo from a Russian
I
was sitting next to. He tells me this is the favorite Russian saying in
Moscow.
"All future shortages will be distributed evenly amongst the poor."
Date: Thu, 19 Oct 2000 08:49:39 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: local dialects
The Merlin Dialect is spoken by a mixed population which inhabits a
triangular area on the western littoral of the Chesapeake Bay, bounded
roughly by a line commencing at Towson's Toyota, then westward to
Frederick Mall, thence following the western border of the cable TV
franchise and the string of MacDonalds along Route 50 to the Bay. All of
these lands and the natives thereof are known as the Land of Merlin. They
divide it further into semi-tribal areas called Cannies (e.g., Ballmer
Canny, PeeJee Canny, etc.).
The dialect area is centered on a market center called Glimburny, where
the people come on weekends to trade their goods. Because of the numerous
words and phrases common to both Merlin Dialect and modern English,
linguists have long postulated that there is some kinship between the
two. The dispute in academic circles at the present time is whether Merlin
dialect actually derives from English, or whether both are descended from
some common ancestor, possibly spoken on the Island of Atlantis.
Speakers of Merlin Dialect are all able to understand standard English
from babyhood, chiefly because of the their voracious appetite for
television. However, they invariably, and absolutely, refuse to speak
standard English, even with outsiders who obviously are not understanding
a word they are saying.
Lesson 1. Pronounciation Drill.
Listen and Repeat:
Merlin: Ah herd sarns at sod the hass a bat hunnert toms lass not. Itsem
Ann Earl Canny farn gins.
Standard: I heard sirens outside the house about a hundred times last
night. It's those Anne Arundel County fire engines.
Merlin: She raider boskle from Droodle Pork to dantan Ballmer wither oz
clazed.
Standard: She rode her bicycle from Druid Hill Park to downtown Baltimore
with her eyes closed.
Merlin: The Hard Canny Toms sayz the canny cancel pace pained bon
ambalances.
Standard: The Howard County Times says the County Council postponed
buying ambulances.
Merlin: Pitcher bane seat owen. Weer goon danny ayshun.
Standard: Put your bathing suit on. We're going down to the ocean.
Merlin: Ah sawn ambalance good dan Rosters Tan Raid a bat a huunert mollsen
air, nit was porn dan rain.
Standard: I saw an ambulance going down Reisterstown Road about a hundred
miles an hour, and it was pouring down rain.
Merlin: It spaced a snaid mora. Better pitcher snay tars owen. Ah got me
some fair stan snay tars at the Tee Goz bay the Glimburny bopass.
Standard: It's supposed to snow tomorrow. Better put your snow tires on. I
got some Firestone snow tires at the Two Guys by the Glen Burnie
bypass.
Baldamer - How to truly pronounce our city (or Balmer)
Balmorese - What we're speaking
Merlin - Our State
Arn - What you do to wrinkled clothes
Balled Ham - Boiled ham
Beero - Bureau (as in FBI)
Bulled Egg - An egg cooked in water
Chest Peak - A large nearby body of water
Chimley - Where Santa comes down
Colleyflare - A white vegetable
Downey Owe Shin - Summertime destination (such as ayshun City)
Droodle Pork - Druid Hill Park
Elfin - Large pachyderm at zoo
Faren Gins - Red trucks that put out fires
Hi Hon - How we always say `hello'
Holluntown - Highland Town
Nap Lis - State of Merlin capital
Ole Bay - What our crabs taste like
Oreos - Not a cookie, but our baseball team
Payment - That strip of cement that you walk on
PohLeese - Those guys in uniform that git ya when you're speeding
Poison Ivory - Plant that gives you itchy skin
Share - Hot water that cleans you in the morning also, Flares, such as tulips)
Star Phone - Styrofoam
Tarred - What happens when you work too hard
Telly Phone - What we use to call people
Warsh - What we do with dirty clothes
Warter - What we drink (can also be Wooter)
Winders - Those glass things that we look out of
And More!!!
Paramore........Power mower
Tarnado...........Tornado
Hairacane...... .Hurricane
Excape.......... . Escape
Pixture............. Picture
Brawl............... Broil
Stahl.................Style
Samridge........ Sandwich
Sem elem........Seven Eleven
Allanic - an ocean
Architexture - building styles
Arlin - Ireland
Arn - what you do on an arnin board
Arnjuice - from the sunshine tree
Arouwn in all directions - norf, souf, ees, and ess
Arsh - people from Arlin
Aspern - what you take for headaches
Awl - goes into the crankcase in your caw
Bald - some people like their eggs this way
Bawler - what the plumber calls your furnace
Beeno - a famous railroad
Bleef - what you bleev in, your faith
Calf Lick - bleevers are Protestant, Jewish, and ...
Canny - a state gubmit division, such as Anna
undel or Prince George's
Cammer - used for taking photographs
Cole Race Beef - a favorite sandwhich; you could
haveHot Race Beef with Gravy
Dint - did not
Dolltone - what you hear when you pick up the Receiver
Downey Ayshen - where everyone goes in the summer (to places such as Ayshen City)
Drooslem - city in the Holy Land
Duddeney - yes, he does, duddeney?
Err - a time measurement of 60 minutes
Far place - requires wood
Fard - area between the eyes and the hairline
Farmin - the people who fight fars
Ford - opposite of backward
Granite - something you don't want to be taken for
Gubmit - government Gubner - governor
Har and Far - what the boss does
Hollandtayon - Highlandtown
Idnit - it is, idnit?
Ignernt - ignorant
Klumya - Rouse's new city (Columbia)
Lobble - responsible for
Meer - what you look at in the morning
Merlin - the Free State
Mirra - another word for meer"
Munlaw - married to your fodlaw
Norf Abnew - North Avenue
Numb - a conjunctive 1st person pronoun: "Aw've bin
workin six errors numb tarred."
Phane - what you answer when it rings
Pleece - the people who uphold the law
Plooshin - let's get it out of the Cheaspeake
Sarn - what a pleece car or Farn Gin makes noise with
Slong - "good-bye"
Snoo Few? - "what's new with you?"
Sore - drainage under the street
Spearmint - experiment
Stalls - the hairdresser does this to your hair
Date: Fri, 20 Oct 2000 08:30:41 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Transcript of third Debate
political humor:
For those of you who didn't have time to watch the Presidential debates,
here's a quick summary ....
Jim Lehrer: Welcome to the third presidential debate between Vice
President Al Gore and Gov. George W. Bush. The candidates have agreed on
these rules: I will ask a question. The candidate will ignore the
question and deliver rehearsed remarks designed to appeal to undecided
women voters. The opponent will then have one minute to respond by trying
to frighten senior citizens into voting for him. When a speaker's time
has expired, I will whimper softly while he continues to spew
incomprehensible statistics for three more minutes. Let's start with the
vice president. Mr. Gore, can you give us the name of a downtrodden
citizen and then tell us his or her story in a way that strains the bounds
of common sense?
Gore: As I was saying to Tipper last night after we tenderly made love the
way we have so often during the 30 years of our rock-solid marriage, the
downtrodden have a clear choice in this election. My opponent wants to
cut taxes for the richest 1 percent of Americans. I, on the other hand,
want to put the richest 1 percent in an iron clad lockbox so they can't
hurt old people like Roberta Frampinhamper, who is here
tonight. Mrs. Frampinhamper has been selling her internal organs, one by
one, to pay for gas so that she can travel to these debates and personify
problems for me. Also, her poodle has arthritis.
Lehrer: Gov. Bush, your rebuttal.
Bush: Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging people, crying
with them, relieving suffering anywhere a photo opportunity exists. I want
to empower those crying people to make their own decisions, unlike my
opponent, whose mother is not Barbara Bush.
Lehrer: Let's turn to foreign affairs. Gov. Bush, if Slobodan Milosevic
were to launch a bid to return to power in Yugoslavia, would you be able
to pronounce his name?
Bush: The current administration had eight years to deal with that guy and
didn't get it done. If I'm elected, the first thing I would do about that
guy is have Dick Cheney confer with our allies. And then Dick would
present me several options for dealing with that guy. And then Dick would
tell me which one to choose. You know, as governor of Texas, I have to
make tough foreign policy decisions every day about how we're going to
deal with New Mexico.
Lehrer: Mr. Gore, your rebuttal.
Gore: Foreign policy is something I've always been keenly interested in. I
served my country in Vietnam. I had an uncle who was a victim of poison
gas in World War I. I myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian War. And
when that war was over, I came home and tenderly made love to Tipper in
a way that any undecided woman voter would find romantic. If I'm entrusted
with the office of president, I pledge to deal knowledgeably with any
threat, foreign or domestic, by putting it in an iron clad lockbox.
Because the American people deserve a president who can comfort them with
simple metaphors.
Lehrer: Vice President Gore, how would you reform the Social Security
system?
Gore: It's a vital issue, Jim. That's why Joe Lieberman and I have
proposed changing the laws of mathematics to allow us to give $50,000 to
every senior citizen without having it cost the federal treasury a single
penny until the year 2250. In addition, my budget commits $60 trillion
over the next 10 years to guarantee that all senior citizens can have
drugs delivered free to their homes every Monday by a federal employee who
will also help them with the child-proof cap.
Lehrer: Gov. Bush?
Bush: That's fuzzy math. I know, because as governor of Texas, I have to
do math every day. I have to add up the numbers and decide whether I'm
going to fill potholes out on Rt. 36 east of Abilene or commit funds to
reroof the sheep barn at the Texas state fairgrounds.
Lehrer: It's time for closing statements.
Gore: I'm my own man. I may not be the most exciting politician, but I
will fight for the working families of America, in addition to turning the
White House into a lusty pit of marital love for Tipper and me.
Bush: It's time to put aside the partisanship of the past by electing no
one but Republicans.
Lehrer: Good night.
Date: Mon, 23 Oct 2000 08:21:43 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Key West Fantasy Fest
...and they wonder why it's a huge party? :)
-----
from the Keynoter:
Local author June Keith is shown in her famous Fantasy Fest summary, "All
the boys want to be girls and all the girls want to be sluts."
Date: Tue, 24 Oct 2000 07:18:31 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Psychiatric discussion
This psychiatrist is doing his rounds of his asylum with a couple of
students. They look in on one patient and the pychiatrist says to his
students, "Sometimes this fellow thinks he's a temptress in a Bizet opera,
but today, as you can see from his goose stepping, he thinks he's the
World War II head of the Luftwaffe. What condition do you think he's
suffering from?"
The first student replies, "Is he a paranoid schizophrenic with a
multiple personality disorder?"
The second student says, "No, surely he just doesn't know whether he's
Carmen or Goering."
Date: Wed, 25 Oct 2000 10:21:12 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: .sig OTD
"*Nice* in a bodyguard is about as useful as the ability to regurgitate
whole lobsters."
Date: Thu, 26 Oct 2000 16:51:37 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: pun time
These two druids are running away from the inquisition. They come upon
a Scotsman, who says, "Don't worry, I'll dress you guys up as bagpipers
and the inquisition will never know you were here." Sure enough, the
inquisition comes along a short while later, and wants to question these
unlikely-looking "bagpipers." The Scotsman waves his hand and says,...
"You don't need to see my pipers. These are not the druids you're looking
for."
Date: Fri, 27 Oct 2000 11:39:35 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Top 10 Things A New York Senate Candidate Has To Keep
Straight During A Subway Series
From The Wall Street Journal's Friday features section:
10. "Ya Gotta Believe" refers to the slogan of the 1973 NL Champion Mets,
not "I never had sex with that woman."
9. When real Yankee fans speak with reverence about "the Mick," they mean
the late Mickey Mantle, not the current archbishop of New York.
8. When a Brooklyn hardhat tells you he'll never forgive "those bums, the
Dodgers," he means the guys who went to L.A., not the guys who went to
Canada.
7. Willie Mays was indeed slick. But no one calls him "Slick Willie."
6. The "Mayor's Trophy" was the name for the annual Yankee-Met exhibition
contest before inter-league play, not Rudy Giuliani's new female companion.
5. The "Perfect Game" alludes to the 1956 World Series game pitched by
Yankee Don Larson, not a fail-safe way to make $100,000 in cattle futures.
4. Rick Reed is the right-handed guy who pitches for the Mets. Rick Lazio is
the guy who's part of the vast right-wing conspiracy.
3. Hall of Fame pitcher Jim Bunning is the only man to pitch a perfect game
against the Mets and face off against the president twice - voting for
impeachment when he was a Kentucky congressman, and to convict after he
joined the Senate.
2. The "Babe" is Babe Ruth, not Monica Lewinsky.
And our No. 1 thing a New York Senate candidate has to keep straight during
a Subway Series (drum roll):
"Yogi" is the one-time Yankee catcher who managed the Mets and the Yanks,
not the guy who put together Al Gore's Buddhist fund-raiser.
Date: Mon, 30 Oct 2000 09:40:34 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: bat joke
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood,
and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty
soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started hassling him about
where he got it. He told them to leave him alone and let him get some
sleep.
However, they persisted until he finally gave in. "Okay, follow me," he
said as he flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of
trees. Finally he slowed and all the other bats excitedly milled around
him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!" all
the other bats screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," shouted the bat, "because I didn't!"
Date: Tue, 31 Oct 2000 09:10:42 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: earrings
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing
an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and
is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to
him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies
sheepishly.
"So, really? How long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in our bed."
Thanks for looking!
Now, please go back to the archives...