October 2001...
Date: Mon, 1 Oct 2001 08:37:57 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: QOTD
Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it
needs a very clever woman to manage a fool.
-- Kipling
Date: Tue, 2 Oct 2001 08:36:20 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: fortune OTD
Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that this
country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a whole week.
Date: Wed, 3 Oct 2001 09:00:33 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: idiotic move
from darwinawards.com:
(15 April 2001, Tennessee) The day before the US tax filing deadline, a
Memphis Darwin Award winner trying to beat a train drove around the
crossing gates -- only to be struck by an oncoming vehicle whose driver
had the same mad plan. The occupants of one vehicle were killed, making
this monumental stupidity the first instance we have witnessed of a Darwin
Award winner crashing into an Honorable Mention. The accident happened to
one side of the tracks, so the train passed by unimpeded.
Date: Thu, 4 Oct 2001 09:32:08 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: QOTD
Birds and bees have as much to do with the facts of life as black
nightgowns do with keeping warm.
-- Hester Mundis, "Powermom"
Date: Fri, 5 Oct 2001 10:21:39 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: new procedure
What to do if you happen upon a peace rally by stupid naive idiots, to
teach them why force is sometimes needed:
1) Approach dumb rich ignorant idiot talking about "peace" saying there
should be, "no retaliation."
2) Engage in brief conversation, ask if military force is appropriate.
3) When idiot says "No" ask, "Why not?"
4) Wait until idiot says something to the effect of, "Because that would
just cause more innocent deaths, which would be awful and we should not
cause more violence."
5) When the idiot is in mid sentence, punch him/her in the face as hard as
you can.
6) When the idiot gets back up to punch you, point out that it would be a
mistake and contrary to the idiot's values to strike you, because that
would, "be awful and would cause more violence."
7) Wait until the idiot agrees that they have pledged not to commit
additional violence.
8) Punch the idiot in the face again, harder this time.
Repeat steps 5 through 8 until they understand that sometimes it is
necessary to punch back.
Date: Mon, 8 Oct 2001 08:52:23 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: .sig OTD
"Sesame Street called. The letter E would like to withdraw its sponsorship
of Internet cliches, and assert full rights to the use of its image and
trademark sound."
Date: Wed, 10 Oct 2001 09:44:01 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: fortune OTD
Utility is when you have one phone, luxury is when you have two,
opulence is when you have three - and paradise is when you have none.
-Doug Larson
Date: Thu, 11 Oct 2001 09:09:17 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: the reason MD's quit doing house calls...
The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the
night.
"Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young
mother. "My child has swallowed a contraceptive." The physician dressed
quickly, but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again.
"You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of
relief. "My husband just found another one."
Date: Fri, 12 Oct 2001 08:36:11 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: interesting quote
To many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation.
-- St. Augustine
Date: Mon, 15 Oct 2001 08:52:23 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Spec Ops types
The Differential Theory of Special Operations Forces (Snake Model)
Upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operation (AO):
Paratrooper: Kills the snake.
Armor: Runs over snake, giggles, and looks for more snakes.
Infantry: "Look, a putty cat. Come 'ere kitty . . . Ouch! Hey, that's not
a kitty cat.", or "Ugh! Me see snake. Me like snake. Ouch! Me no like
snake."
Army Aviation: Has GPS grid to snake. Couldn't find snake. Back to base
for crew rest and the club and some sort of drink called "The Snake".
Ranger: Plays with the snake, then eats it.
SEAL: Expends all ammunition, several grenades and calls for naval gunfire
in a failed attempt to kill the snake. The snake bites the SEAL then
retreats to safety.
AF Special Ops: Pulverizes snake from 15,000 feet with AC-130 gunship
fire. Heads back to O-club for some shooters.
Corps Artillery: Kills snake, but in the process kills several hundred
civilians with a massive TOT with three FA BDEs in support. Mission is
considered a success and all participants are awarded Silver Stars.
(Cooks, Mechanics, Legal Clerks etc.)
Marine Recon: Follows the snake and gets lost.
Combat Controller: Guides the snake elsewhere.
Pararescue: Wounds the snake in first encounter, then feverishly works to
save the snake's life.
Special Forces: Makes contact with the snake, builds rapport, wins its
heart and mind, then trains it to kill other snakes.
Date: Tue, 16 Oct 2001 09:00:19 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: fortune OTD
He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
Date: Wed, 17 Oct 2001 08:49:51 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Number 11
For all you conspriacy theorists... read all the way through. ;)
>From a gentleman named David Pawson...
-----
The date of the attack: 9/11 - 9 + 1 + 1 = 11
September 11th is the 254th day of the year: 2 + 5 + 4 = 11
After September 11th there are 111 days left to the end of the year.
119 is the area code to Iraq/Iran. 1 + 1 + 9 = 11
Twin Towers - standing side by side, looks like the number 11
The first plane to hit the towers was Flight 11
I Have More.......
State of New York - The 11th State added to the Union
New York City - 11 Letters
Afghanistan - 11 Letters
The Pentagon - 11 Letters
Ramzi Yousef - 11 Letters (convicted or orchestrating the attack at the
WTC in 1993)
Flight 11 - 92 on board - 9 + 2 = 11
Flight 77 - 65 on board - 6 + 5 = 11
The response:
Oh my God! How worried should I be? There are 11 letters in the name
"David Pawson!" I'm going into hiding NOW. See you in a few weeks.
Wait a sec ... just realized "YOU CAN'T HIDE" also has 11 letters! What
am I gonna do? Help me!!! The terrorists are after me! ME! I can't believe
it!
Oh crap, there must be someplace on the planet Earth I could hide! But
no..."PLANET EARTH" has 11 letters, too!
Maybe Nostradamus can help me. But dare I trust him? There are 11
letters in "NOSTRADAMUS."
I know, the Red Cross can help. No they can't... 11 letters in "THE RED
CROSS," can't trust them.
I would rely on self defense, but "SELF DEFENSE" has 11 letters in it,
too! Can someone help?
Anyone? If so, send me email. No, don't... "SEND ME EMAIL" has 11
letters....
Will this never end? I'm going insane! "GOING INSANE???" Eleven
letters!!
Nooooooooooo!!!!!! I guess I'll die alone, even though "I'LL DIE ALONE"
has 11 letters.....
Oh my God, I just realized that America is doomed! Our Independence Day
is July 4th ... 7/4 ... 7+4=11!
~Dave
PS. "IT'S BULLSHIT" has 11 letters also.
Date: Thu, 18 Oct 2001 10:18:39 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: what the future holds
The year is 2021 and a man and his son are walking through New York.
They come up on a bare space among the office buildings and the man
sighs, saying "Son. Twenty years ago the Twin Towers stood right there."
The boy said "What were the Twin Towers, Daddy?"
"Well, son. They were two of the tallest buildings in the world.
They were filled with hundreds of offices and thousands of people worked
there. Then one day, some Arabs flew two planes into them and brought them
to the ground, destroying them."
They stood in silence a while longer before the boy looked up at his
father and asked, "Daddy, what's an Arab?"
Date: Fri, 19 Oct 2001 10:33:27 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: QOTD
"Facts often get overlooked in such an atmosphere, but I will resort to
them nonetheless."
-Dr. Amy Smithson, Director of the chemical and biological weapons
nonproliferation project at the Henry Stimson Center speaking to the House
Energy and Commerce Committee's oversight subcommittee.
Date: Mon, 22 Oct 2001 08:51:10 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: obituary
Obituary for Common Sense
Today we mourn the passing of an old friend by the name of "Common
Sense"... Common Sense lived a long life but died from heart failure at
the brink of the millennium.
No one really knows how old Common Sense was since his birth records
were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He selflessly devoted his
life to service in schools, hospitals, homes, factories, and offices,
helping folks get jobs done without fanfare or foolishness. For decades,
petty rules, silly laws and frivolous lawsuits held no power over Common
Sense. He was credited with cultivating such valued lessons as, (1)to know
when to come in out of the rain, (2)the early bird gets the worm and
(3)life isn't always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (the adults are in
charge, not the kids). . . But his health declined when he became infected
with the "if it only helps one person, it's worth it" virus.
In recent decades, his waning strength provided no match for the ravages
of Federal Regulation. He watched in pain as good people became ruled by
lawyers and auditors. His health rapidly deteriorated when schools
implemented policies where a six year old boy is charged with sexual
harassment for kissing a classmate, a teen is suspended for taking a swig
of mouthwash after lunch and a teacher is fired for reprimanding an unruly
student.
Finally, Common Sense lost his will to live as the Ten Commandments
became contraband, churches became businesses, criminals received better
treatment than victims, and federal judges invaded everything from Boy
Scouts to professional sports.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his
wife, Discretion, his daughter, Responsibility and his son, Reason.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
Date: Tue, 23 Oct 2001 08:30:25 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Contracting Anthrax Via Email
SPAMTHRAX - contracting anthrax via email
Also Information on Net Evacuation,
Bayer's Production of e-Cipro
Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) - The FBI today did not issue an alert
for electronically disseminated anthrax, also known as "spamthrax,"
because anthrax cannot be propagated through email. However, that will
likely not stop panic-stricken thousands, who freaked after viewing the
headline above, from spreading a rumor that the Internet has been
evacuated.
Fearing infection, many of these same people have already warned friends
and colleagues not to open email attachments. Others, meanwhile, shut
down their computers before reading even this far, and as a result they
will not see the following paragraphs explaining that there is no such
thing as spamthrax.
"Spamthrax? What the hell is spamthrax?" asked David Kalidis, spokesman
for anti-virus software maker Symantec. "No, there is no such thing as
spamthrax, so no, we will not be offering an update to address it. Who
would fall for that, anyway?"
Kalidis was reminded that hundreds of thousands of people clicked on
attachments that actually contained the Anna Kournikova worm.
"OK, who other than them?" Kaladis said.
Meanwhile, Bayer spokeswoman Serena Farde confirmed the pharmaceutical
giant was not working on e-Cipro, a binary form of the antibiotic Cipro,
because there is no product called e-Cipro, and no need to produce one.
However, thousands of computer owners who saw the reference to e-Cipro in
the subheadline have already bombarded Bayer with requests for the digital
drug.
"I haven't checked lately, but I'm not aware of any requests," said
Farde. "OK, I'll look now, but this is sil... oh God, I've got 3,000
messages. Who are these people?"
Farde was reminded that an asthmatic woman in California, fearing
contamination, recently went to the emergency room. Her symptoms:
shortness of breath.
"I better call a press conference," Farde sighed.
The spamthrax contagion also did not spread to Washington, where FBI
director Robert Mueller said no one at the agency's National
Infrastructure Protection Center was currently tracking down
biocyberterrorists producing spamthrax because, he insisted, no such
threat exists. "What is a biocyberterrorist?" Mueller asked. "I can't
believe anyone would be stupid enough to even threaten to send anthrax by
email."
Mueller was reminded that: 1) A Canadian woman, angry at a store cashier
over the price of a purchase, recently claimed the credit card she had
just handed over had anthrax on it. 2) Also that two Mississippians told
onlookers that flour used to outline a road race course were actually
anthrax. 3) Also that in 1998, a California man called police and claimed
anthrax was in his building, apparently in an effort to get out of work
early. 4) Also that...
"All right all right," said Mueller. "I get the point."
Mueller added that he would squash the issue with a preemptive press
release declaring that anthrax cannot be spread through email - a
statement that will be picked up by the media and given a headline such as
"FBI Downplays Spamthrax Threat: Emails Believed to Be Safe for Now." As a
result, see beginning of this story.
Copyright © 2001, SatireWire.
Date: Wed, 24 Oct 2001 10:59:43 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: The wall
A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau has an apartment overlooking
the Western Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old bearded
Jewish man praying vigorously. Certain he would be a good interview
subject, the journalist goes down to the Wall, and introduces herself to
the old man.
She asks, "You come every day to the Wall. Sir, how long have you done
that and what are you praying for?"
The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In
the morning I pray for world peace and for the brotherhood of man. I go
home have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of
illness and disease from the earth. And very, very important, I pray for
peace and understanding between the Israelis and Palestinians."
The journalist is impressed. "How does it make you feel to come here every
day for 25 years and pray for these wonderful things?" she asks.
The old man replies, calmly, "Like I'm talking to a wall."
Date: Thu, 25 Oct 2001 09:12:16 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: OK, then...
Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came
across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the
ticket showed it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to
remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes
over a decade ago.
"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.
"Not very likely," his wife said.
"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket.
He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store. With a
straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a
face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for
these." He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.
Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"
"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have
thought they'd still be here after all this time."
The man came back to the counter, empty-handed.
"They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.
Date: Fri, 26 Oct 2001 10:06:03 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: I just saw...
from one of our Indianan humorists...
-----
...the greatest tagline ever on a post at Plastic.com:
"Exxon/Mobil - Proud sponsor of the 2096 Antarctica Summer Games"
Date: Mon, 29 Oct 2001 09:10:49 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Who now is the infidel?
The Rev. Charles Stanley sent this Open Letter to the Editor of every
major newspaper in the world, including Pakistan and Iran, (Afghanistan,
Iraq & Syria do not have newspapers on the Internet).
An open letter to terrorists and to those who harbor and support you.
From an American Grandfather.
I am told by the leaders of my government that you are intelligent
people. In light of your actions, I am having growing difficulty believing
that. At the very least, it has become increasingly obvious that you lack
a fundamental comprehension of my psychology as an American.
I hear on our news broadcasts that your rage is fueled by my support of
Israel. It has never been about nationality or religious faith -- never
about Jew vs. Arab. I thought you would finally have understood that when
I sent my children into harm's way in order to protect the innocent
citizens of Arab Kuwait from the savage wolf (Sadaam Hussein) who would
devour them for his own gain. It has everything to do with the lessons
taught to me by my father and his before him for many generations before
the white man came to this land we call America.
I have a vivid memory of coming home, as a boy of about nine years of
age, and telling my father of feeling helpless horror as I watched the
neighborhood bully unmercifully torment a boy even smaller than myself. My
father reflected for a long moment, then quietly inquired of me as to what
I had done about it. I said that I had watched until it was over and had
then came home.
The look in his eyes penetrated me to my core for he had never looked at
me in that way before. He said that he was deeply ashamed of me and he
sent me to my room with instructions to think about what had happened. It
seemed hours before he came to my door. He sat beside me on my bed and,
for a painfully long while, he said nothing.
When finally he spoke, he explained, "There will always be among us,
dishonorable men who are devoid of humanity and compassion. They are but
naked animals and an empty shell of what truly is a man. They attempt to
fill their emptiness by the exercise of power over others, thinking that
it makes them whole men. Often they are enraged that they do not even
understand their own emptiness, what it is that they lack.
"When these men are also cowards, they disguise themselves as sheep
among the flock and attack from the shadows. This is the vilest form of
subhuman behavior for even many animals attack openly when they must
attack.
"When humanity and integrity are present in a man, he expresses them as
compassion. When compassion and strength achieve perfect balance within a
man, they manifest as wisdom. The compassionate man feels the pain of
others. The wise man protects others from pain. For, if you watch and do
nothing to protect others, who will come to your aide when you alone
remain and the bully comes for you?"
"Some things are far more important than your personal safety and
freedom from pain. If ever again you see someone being hurt, protect him,
even if you are certain to be injured in the process. Then I will know
that I have truly raised a man."
Anyone who understands the impact of this lesson -- and how deeply it
runs in the man I have become, will understand my unflinching willingness
to sacrifice my children in defense of Arab and Jew alike when they are
threatened by the bullies and cowards of the world. And please do not
insult my intelligence with claims of Jewish treatment of Palestinians. I
am old enough to retain vivid memories of 1948. I remember the excitement
of the Jews over the prospect of governing "with" them. Their reaction,
and that of their neighbors, was to attempt to finish what the Nazis could
not. Repeatedly.
Intelligent men? I, for one, am stunned by the monumental stupidity of
your arrogance. Did you actually think that only Americans would occupy
the World Trade Center? You have but fired the first pitiful salvo of
World War III for the entire world is now preparing to come after you,
your host, your financiers and your supporters. And please, do not listen
to what I say. You would do far better to watch the sky.
I must say that I owe you a profound debt of gratitude. Not for what you
have done or what you have unleashed upon the world, but for what you have
accomplished. For not one among us could have accomplished it. On Monday,
September 10, 2001, we were a divisive, apathetic nation. Our young people
had nothing by which to identify with our history or heritage; our people
were divided by factions of religion and skin color; our government was
polarized and paralyzed by political party affiliation, able to agree upon
nothing; the military had difficulty obtaining volunteers and most of us
simply changed TV channels in response to Red Cross pleas for blood
donations. Your actions have changed all of that in a way that has
occurred only twice before in the history of this nation -- once in 1776
and again on December 7, 1941. The worst in the worst of Allah's children
has brought out the best in America.
Since your cowardly act, Muslim, Jew, Christian, black, white, yellow
and brown have stood shoulder to shoulder for hours in the hot sun to
donate blood for the injured. Our government has suddenly become totally
united in its purpose. Our military is having difficulty handling the
flood of volunteers from among our young people. Our flag makers report
that there is no way humanly possible that they can keep up with the
demand -- shipments are sold out within minutes. You have accomplished a
miracle that only God could have anticipated.
And, it would seem, the hand of God was present even in the date that
you selected for your attack, for you could not have chosen a date more in
keeping with a reawakening of American pride and purpose. There is in
America a nationwide system for seeking help in times of emergency. Every
American knows that, when threatened, he can pick up any telephone and
dial 911 and help is immediately on the way to assist and protect him. By
selecting September, (our 9th month), 11, 2001 to exhibit your cowardice,
you unwittingly placed a 911 call that has brought all of America together
in a way that brings tears of joy and pride to my eyes. No longer is our
battle cry, "Remember Pearl Harbor!" Thanks to you and your kind it will
now and forevermore be, "Remember 911!" whenever the innocents of any
nation find themselves threatened by cowards with guns.
I do not, for a moment, deny that you hurt me. Far too many parents and
children now go to bed wondering where their loved ones are. And, yes, I
am momentarily reeling. But it is from the sudden realization that I share
the planet with anyone capable of such an atrocity against the humanity of
so many nations. In his Inaugural Address in Washington, DC on January 20,
1961 President John F. Kennedy said, "Let every nation know, whether it
wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet
any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe to assure the survival
and the success of liberty." He was talking about the liberty of all men,
of all faiths, of all nations.
You need to understand that the truth of that statement is the very
fabric of who and what I am. I wish neither to rule nor to inflict injury
upon the innocents of any nation. I am the lion who sleeps with God's
lambs to protect them from ravenous wolves that would devour them. Your
911 call has awakened the lion and now I hunger for the flesh of wolves.
In closing let me state, Muhammad taught that Allah is a God of love --
yet you have the unmitigated gall to bastardize Islam to suit your own
personal, unholy agenda.
Who now is the infidel?
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 2001 09:42:28 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: that is an answer too...
One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went downstairs
to discover a female cat being screwed by a mouse. Fascinated by what he
saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took
him to the yard next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by
screwing the next door neighbor's German Shepherd with wild abandon.
The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery.
He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw
the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.
"Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about
this!"
"Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with
you!!!"
Date: Wed, 31 Oct 2001 08:43:45 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: .sig OTD
STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
Thanks for looking!
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