Date: Tue, 1 Oct 2002 06:42:40 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  How did we survive?

  How did we survive?

  Looking back, it's hard to believe that we have lived as long as we
have:

  As children we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

  Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special
treat.

  Our baby cribs were painted with bright colored lead based paint. We
often chewed on the crib, ingesting the paint.

  We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and
when we rode our bikes we had no helmets.

  We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

  We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride
down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into
the bushes a few times we learned to solve the problem.

  We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were
back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day.

  We played dodgeball and sometimes the ball would really hurt.

  We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank sugar soda, but we were
never over weight; we were always outside playing.

  Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team.  Those who
didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.

  Some students weren't as smart as others so they failed a grade and were
held back to repeat the same grade.

  Those generations produced some of the greatest risk-takers and problem
solvers.

  We had the freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned
how to deal with it all.

  Think about it.

Date: Wed, 2 Oct 2002 21:02:45 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"A man who can read but doesn't is no better off then a man who can't."
-- Mark Twain

Date: Fri, 4 Oct 2002 11:00:56 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Literature stops in 1100.  After that, it's just books."
-- JRR Tolkien

Date: Mon, 7 Oct 2002 06:33:26 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"There will be sex after death, we just won't be able to feel it."
-- Lily Tomlin

Date: Tue, 8 Oct 2002 06:51:18 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  well, yeah...

  A man walks into a bar.  He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting
on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it
going tonight?"

  She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw
anybody any time, any where, any place, it doesn't matter to me."

  The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No kidding? What law firm do you
work for?"

Date: Wed, 9 Oct 2002 14:15:52 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  observation

The only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.

Date: Thu, 10 Oct 2002 08:46:28 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  book QOTD...

What did I want?

I wanted a Roc's egg. I wanted a harem loaded with lovely odalisques
less than the dust beneath my chariot wheels, the rust that never
stained my sword. I wanted raw red gold in nuggets the size of your
fist and feed that lousy claim jumper to the huskies! I wanted to get
up feeling brisk and go out and break some lances, then pick a likely
wench for my droit de seigneur -- I wanted to stand up to the Baron
and dare him to touch my wench! I wanted to hear the purple water
chuckling against the skin of the Nancy Lee in the cool of the morning
watch and not another sound, nor any movement save the slow tilting of
the wings of the albatross that had been pacing us the last thousand
miles.

I wanted the hurtling moons of Barsoom. I wanted Storisende and
Poictesme, and Holmes shaking me awake to tell me, "The game's afoot!"
I wanted to float down the Mississippi on a raft and elude a mob in
company with the Duke of Bilgewater and the Lost Dauphin.

I wanted Prester John, and Excalibur held by a moon-white arm out of a
silent lake. I wanted to sail with Ulysses and with Tros of Samothrace
and eat the lotus in a land that seemed always afternoon. I wanted the
feeling of romance and the sense of wonder I had known as a kid. I
wanted the world to be what they promised me it was going to be --
instead of the tawdry, lousy, fouled-up mess it is.

-- Robert A. Heinlein, Glory Road

Date: Fri, 11 Oct 2002 09:29:27 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  make sure

  A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them
suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be
breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out
his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is
dead!  What should I do?"

  The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and
follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a
silence, and then a shot is heard.

  The guy's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"

Date: Mon, 14 Oct 2002 06:28:47 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

  The most thoroughly and relentlessly Damned, banned, exluded, condemned,
forbidden, ostracised, ignored, suppressed, repressed, robbed, brutalized
and defamed of all Damned things is the individual human being. The social
engineers, statisticians, psychologists, sociologists, market researchers,
landlords, bureaucrats, captains of industry, bankers, governors,
commisars, kings and presidents are perpetually forcing this Damned Thing
into carefully prepared blueprints and perpetually irritated that the
Damned Thing will not fit into the slot assigned to it. The theologians
call it a sinner and try to reform it. The governor calls it a criminal
and tries to punish it. The psychotherapist calls it a neurotic and tries
to cure it. Still, the Damned Thing will not fit into their slots.
-- Robert Anton Wilson

Date: Tue, 15 Oct 2002 07:19:32 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  To Your Health

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it ... don't
waste them on exercise.  Everything wears out eventually.  Speeding up
your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster.  Want to live longer?
Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies.  What does a cow eat?  Hay and
corn.  And what are these?  Vegetables.  So a steak is nothing more than
an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.  Need
grain?  Eat chicken.  Beef is also a good source of field grass (green
leafy vegetable).  And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended
daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables.  As we
all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories:
animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not
animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only
leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy
your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry.  My philosophy is: No Pain... Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.  In
fact, they're permeated in it.  How could getting more vegetables be bad
for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?

A: Definitely not!  When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.  You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy?  Hello... Cocoa beans... Another vegetable!!!  "It's the
best feel good food around!"

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets.  Have a cookie... flour is a veggie!

One more thing... "When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of
tequila and salt."

Date: Wed, 16 Oct 2002 09:40:23 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be
coming up it." -- Henry Allen

Date: Thu, 17 Oct 2002 09:35:35 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  quote of the week

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

"I like the Colts, too. We have something in common. We both defected in
the middle of the night. Colts, 27-16."
-- Nadia Comaneci, predicting the outcome of NFL games in the Friday
edition of USA Today.

Date: Mon, 21 Oct 2002 06:27:06 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  HMO's at work

  A prominent Canadian doctor was visiting an American hospital. During
his tour of the floors, he passed a room where a male patient was openly
and vigorously masturbating.

  "My GOD," said the visiting MD, "that's disgraceful. What is the meaning
of this?"

  The local doctor that was leading the tour explained; "I'm afraid this
man was diagnosed with a very unusual, yet serious condition where the
testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't relieve himself in this
manner at least five times a day, he has to endure incredible pain and the
potential rupture of his testicles."

  "Oh, yes... of course," replied the visiting doctor, as if he were quite
familiar with the condition.

  On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a
male patient a blow job.

  "GOOD GOD!" exclaimed the Doctor, "How do you explain this?"

  The American doctor replied, "Same illness, better health plan."

Date: Tue, 22 Oct 2002 09:57:51 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Roman Quote

"We trained hard, but it seemed
every time we were beginning to form up into teams,
we would be reorganised.
I was to learn later in life
that we tend to meet any new situation by re-organising,
and a wonderful method it can be
for creating the illusion of progress
whilst producing confusion, inefficiency and demoralisation."

-Gaius Petronius Arbiter; a Governor under Nero

Date: Wed, 23 Oct 2002 08:07:58 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  .sig OTD

"A wild young woman can be tamed by time and circumstance but a wild old
woman is untamable by any force."
-- Unknown

Date: Thu, 24 Oct 2002 08:59:07 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  prepping for the holidays

  Did you know, the Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a
nativity scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas. This isn't for any
religious reason. They simply have not been able to find three wise men
and a virgin in the nation's capitol.

  There was no problem however finding enough asses to fill the stable.

Date: Fri, 25 Oct 2002 15:56:29 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  celebration

This day is called the feast of Crispian:
He that outlives this day, and comes safe home,
Will stand a tip-toe when the day is named,
And rouse him at the name of Crispian.
He that shall live this day, and see old age,
Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,
And say 'To-morrow is Saint Crispian:'
Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars.
And say 'These wounds I had on Crispin's day.'
Old men forget: yet all shall be forgot,
But he'll remember with advantages
What feats he did that day: then shall our names.
Familiar in his mouth as household words
Harry the king, Bedford and Exeter,
Warwick and Talbot, Salisbury and Gloucester,
Be in their flowing cups freshly remember'd.
This story shall the good man teach his son;
And Crispin Crispian shall ne'er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remember'd;
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition:
And gentlemen in England now a-bed
Shall think themselves accursed they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day.

= Henry V, IV, iii

Date: Mon, 28 Oct 2002 08:50:54 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  technique

  A man approached a well endowed woman in the Walmart Superstore and
said,  "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for
a couple of minutes?"

  The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.

  "Because every time I talk to a woman with breasts like yours, my wife
appears out of nowhere."

Date: Tue, 29 Oct 2002 06:29:37 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing --
and then marry him."
-- Cher

Date: Thu, 31 Oct 2002 09:45:25 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor:  Indiana...

  Here are some guidelines to assist others in understanding what it takes
to be a Hoosier:

  1. Know the state casserole. The state casserole consists of canned
green beans, Campbell's cream of mushroom soup and dried onions. You can
safely take this casserole to any social event and know that you will be
accepted.

  2. Get used to food festivals. The Indiana General Assembly, in an
effort to grow bigger athletes, passed legislation years ago requiring
every incorporated community to have at least one festival per year
dedicated to a high-fat food. It is your duty as a Hoosier to attend these
festivals and buy at least one elephant ear.

  3. Know the geography . . . of Florida. I've run into Hoosiers who
couldn't tell you where Evansville is, but they know the exact distance
from Fort Myers to Bonita Springs. That's because all Hoosiers go to
Florida in the winter, or plan to when they retire, or are related to
retired Hoosiers who have a place in Sarasota. We consider Florida to be
the Lower Peninsula of Indiana.

  4. If you can't afford to spend the winter in Florida, use the state
excuse, which is that you stay here because you enjoy the change of
season.  You'll be lying, but that's OK. We've all done it.

  5. Speaking of Indiana weather, wear layers or die. The thing to
remember about Indiana seasons is that they can occur at anytime. We have
spring-like days in January and wintry weekends in October. April is
capable of providing a sampling of all four seasons in a single 24-hour
period. For these reasons, Indiana is the Layering Capital of the World.
Even layering, however, can pose danger. Golfers have been known to dress
for hypothermia and end up dead of heat stroke because they couldn't strip
off their layers of plaid fast enough on a changeable spring morning.

  6. Don't take Indiana place names literally. If a town has the same name
as a foreign city (Valparaiso and Versailles are examples), you must not
pronounce it the way the foreigners do lest you come under suspicion as a
spy. Also, East Enterprise has no counterpart on the west side of the
state.   South Bend is in the north. North Putnam is in the south, and
French Lick isn't what you think either.

  7. Become mulch literate. Hoosiers love mulch and appreciate its subtle
differences. Learn the difference between hardwood, cypress and pine bark
at a minimum. Researchers think the state affinity for mulch derives from
its relatively flat terrain. People have a subconscious need for
topography, and when it can't be supplied naturally, they are more likely
to make little mulch hillocks in their front yards.

  8. In order to talk sports with obsessive fans in Indiana, you have to
be knowledgeable on the three levels--professional, college and high
school.  The truly expert Indiana sports fan knows not only the name of
the hotshot center at Abercrombie and Fitch High School, but also what
colleges he's interested in, how much he bench-presses, whom he took to
the prom, and what grade he got on his biology quiz last week.

  9. Remember that Hoosiers are never the first to embrace trends. When we
do embrace them, we do so with a Midwestern pragmatism. For example, if
you see a Hoosier with a nose ring, there's a good chance he's had it
undercoated to guard against rust.

  10. The best way to sell something in Indiana is to attach the term
"Amish" to it. The product need not be genuinely Amish. This would explain
the existence of Amish moo shu pork.

  I hope you find this guide to be useful. If it offends you, please let
me know. I will bring a green-bean casserole to your house to make amends.