October 2003...
Date: Wed, 1 Oct 2003 08:34:45 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: QOTD
"Marriage, in life, is like a duel in the midst of a battle."
-- Edmond About
Date: Thu, 2 Oct 2003 08:27:04 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: this is funny........
A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles
upon a giraffe rolling a joint.
The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe, my friend, why do you do
this? Come with me running through the forest. You'll see, you'll feel so
much better!"
The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off
running with the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says,
"Elephant, my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come
running with us through the pretty forest. You'll see, you'll feel so
good!"
The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then
tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. "Lion, my
friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us
through the sunny forest. You will feel so good!"
The lion looks at him, puts down his needle and starts to beat the shit
out of the little rabbit.
As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask,
"Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"
The lion answers, "That little fucker makes me run around the forest
like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"
Date: Fri, 3 Oct 2003 08:32:34 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: QOTD
"Difficulties show men what they are. In case of any difficulty remember
that God has pitted you against a rough antagonist that you may be a
conqueror, and this cannot be without toil."
-- Epictetus (50-138 A.D.)
Date: Mon, 6 Oct 2003 08:42:56 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Outta here!
An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled
down in their old neighborhood and are celebrating their sixtieth wedding
anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school. There, they
hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved
"I love you, Sally." On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of
an armored car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, but
they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts
the money, and it's fifty-thousand dollars. The husband says, "We've got
to give it back." She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back
in the bag and hides it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood
looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but
did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car
yesterday?" She says, "No." The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up
in the attic." She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." But the
agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the
story from the beginning." The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were
walking home from school yesterday..." The FBI guy looks at his partner
and says, "We're outta here..."
Date: Tue, 7 Oct 2003 08:25:06 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: QOTD
"In Chicago, politics was a full contact sport. Here, it's a sit com..."
-- my sister, describing the CA Governor's election today
Date: Wed, 8 Oct 2003 08:46:48 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: QOTD
"I've never killed a man...but I've read many an obituary with pleasure."
-- H.L. Mencken
Date: Thu, 9 Oct 2003 08:27:38 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: geek poetry
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Date: Fri, 10 Oct 2003 09:49:28 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: a christmas story to start the autumnal mood
The teacher, Mrs. Smith, asked each of her students how they celebrate
Christmas.
She called first on young Patrick Murphy. "Tell me, Patrick, what do you
do at Christmas time?"
Patrick addressed the class: "Me and my twelve brothers and sisters go
to midnight Mass and we sing hymns. Then we come home very late and we put
mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then we go to bed
and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."
"Very nice, Patrick," she said. "Now, Jimmy Brown, what do you do at
Christmas?"
"Me and my sister also go to church with Mum and Dad, and we sing
carols. When we get home, we put cookies and milk by the chimney and hang
up our stockings. We hardly sleep waiting for Santa Claus to bring our
presents."
"That's also very nice, Jimmy," she said.
Realizing that there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting
to leave him out of the discussion, she asked him the same question. 'Now,
Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"
"Well, we also sing hymns," Isaac responded.
Surprised, Mrs. Smith questioned further. "Tell us what you sing."
"Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office.
We all pile into the Rolls Royce and drive to his toy factory. When we get
inside, we look at all the empty shelves and sing, 'What a friend we have in
Jesus.' Then we all go to the Bahamas."
Date: Mon, 13 Oct 2003 09:10:24 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: QOTD
"Remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off."
-- overheard in conversation
Date: Tue, 14 Oct 2003 08:30:45 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: her story.......his story
HER SIDE OF THE STORY
My husband was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a
cafe for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I
thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I
promised but he didn't say anything about it. I don't remember doing
anything to make him upset, but I could tell there was something wrong.
The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off to
someplace intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this
restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I was getting really
worried, what did I do? What was bothering him? Was he mad at me?
I tried to cheer him up, but started to wonder what was bothering him.
Was it me or something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, he said
no. But I wasn't really sure. In the car on the way back home, I said that
I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what
the heck that meant because, you know, he didn't say it back or anything.
We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me!
So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV.
Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10
minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still
seemed really distracted, so afterwards I wanted to confront him but
didn't, so I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do
anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else.
HIS SIDE OF THE STORY
Played badly today --- shot 97 - - -can't putt for shit! Felt kind of
tired. Got laid though.
Date: Wed, 15 Oct 2003 08:37:19 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: QOTD
"When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the
inattentions of one."
-- Helen Rowland
Date: Thu, 16 Oct 2003 08:28:17 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: QOTD
"The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat."
-- Lily Tomlin
Date: Fri, 17 Oct 2003 08:24:59 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: George Carlinisms
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn
down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
made with real lemons?
Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just
whipped out a quarter? [NOTE: Geo. Washington's picture is on a quarter]
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl
Scout cookies made out of?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way
they do?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does
he become disoriented?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game", when we are already there?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Date: Mon, 20 Oct 2003 08:16:16 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: QOTD
"One of the most unintentionally comedic moments came from Bill Hemmer who
was filling in on Paula Zahn's show.
"After New Republic Editor Peter Beinart pointed out that the media might
actually be understating the problems in the country by underreporting the
number of wounded soldiers (as opposed to fatalities), Hemmer shot back
with this gem:
" 'I think there's [two] sides of that coin. . . . If you're saying it's
actually worse than being reported, could it also be better than what's
being reported also, if you consider that these reporters, many of them
tell us they want to go cover the new school opening, but they can't
because there's another bombing or shooting and that prevents them from
sending that story?'
"I love this logic. It's not just the reporters who are keeping a lid on
all the good things going on in Iraq. It's the darned terrorists who are
keeping everyone from hearing how good things are by constantly setting
off bombs and shooting people."
>From the Washington Post,
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A40468-2003Oct17_3.html
Date: Tue, 21 Oct 2003 08:24:20 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: one way of looking at it...
Rabbi Levy had to spend time in a Catholic hospital. He became friends
with the Sister who was a nurse there. One day, she came into his room and
noticed that the crucifix on the wall was missing.
She asked him good-naturedly, "Rabbi, what have you done with the
crucifix?"
"Oh, sister," chuckled Rabbi Levy, "I just figured one suffering Jew in
this room was enough."
Date: Wed, 22 Oct 2003 08:50:49 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: dunno if true, but...
So you think this is a bad day at work??? Next time you have a bad day
at work...think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for
Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore
drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it
to radio station 103.2 on your FM dial in Ft Wayne, Indiana, who was
sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I
had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at
work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize
it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I
first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my
office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a
wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep
warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This
$20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to
a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a
garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn
good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do,
when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it
down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water.
It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to
itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a
few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back,
but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot
water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now,
since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to
it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched
what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the
crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the
communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along
with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I
aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water
decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the
surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the
surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of
the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed
me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in
the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days
because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much
worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat
to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."
Date: Thu, 23 Oct 2003 09:15:24 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: 20 years ago today
Beirut.
They never had the chance to get old and grey... but:
-----
He was getting old and paunchy
And his hair was falling fast,
And he sat around the Legion,
Telling stories of the past.
Of a war that he once fought in
And the deeds that he had done,
In his exploits with his buddies;
They were heroes, every one.
And 'tho sometimes to his neighbors
His tales became a joke,
All his buddies listened quietly
For they knew where of he spoke.
But we'll hear his tales no longer,
For ol' Bob has passed away,
And the world's a little poorer
For a Soldier died today.
He won't be mourned by many,
Just his children and his wife.
For he lived an ordinary,
Very quiet sort of life.
He held a job and raised a family,
Going quietly on his way;
And the world won't note his passing,
'Tho a Soldier died today.
When politicians leave this earth,
Their bodies lie in state,
While thousands note their passing,
And proclaim that they were great.
Papers tell of their life stories
From the time that they were young
But the passing of a Soldier
Goes unnoticed, and unsung.
Is the greatest contribution
To the welfare of our land,
Some jerk who breaks his promise
And cons his fellow man?
Or the ordinary fellow
Who in times of war and strife,
Goes off to serve his country
And offers up his life?
The politician's stipend
And the style in which he lives,
Are often disproportionate,
To the service that he gives.
While the ordinary Soldier,
Who offered up his all,
Is paid off with a medal
And perhaps a pension, small.
It's so easy to forget them,
For it is so many times
That our Bobs and Jims and Johnnys,
Went to battle, but we know,
It is not the politicians
With their compromise and ploys,
Who won for us the freedom
That our country now enjoys.
Should you find yourself in danger,
With your enemies at hand,
Would you really want some cop-out,
With his ever waffling stand?
Or would you want a Soldier--
His home, his country, his kin,
Just a common Soldier,
Who would fight until the end.
He was just a common Soldier,
And his ranks are growing thin,
But his presence should remind us
We may need his like again.
For when countries are in conflict,
We find the Soldier's part
Is to clean up all the troubles
That the politicians start.
If we cannot do him honor
While he's here to hear the praise,
Then at least let's give him homage
At the ending of his days.
Perhaps just a simply headline
In the paper that might say:
"OUR COUNTRY IS IN MOURNING,
A SOLDIER DIED TODAY."
Date: Fri, 24 Oct 2003 08:45:23 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Happy thought for the day
Give someone a fish... and he eats for a day.
Teach someone to fish... and he finds the One Ring, goes bananas,
tunnels under the Misty Mountains and eats fish all by himself in the
caves for hundreds of years.
Date: Mon, 27 Oct 2003 10:37:06 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: well, yeah...
Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has
told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks
his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey,
you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more
time?" Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he
now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,
"Honey, please... just one more time before I die ?" She says, "Of
course, dear." And they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. Ralph, however,
worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4
more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you
think we could.....?"
At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to get up
in the morning .... you don't."
Date: Tue, 28 Oct 2003 08:49:11 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: the more things change...
In widely publicized criticism in August, the Arab League (22 nations,
all of which are governed by monarchies, clerics, or military
dictatorships) charged that the new American-installed Iraqi Governing
Council was illegitimate because it was not freely elected but consisted
only of appointed representatives from various interest groups. The
league's secretary general announced that Iraq's former seat in the Arab
League would therefore remain vacant until the country has an elected
government (which would then make it the league's only elected
government). [Washington Post, 7-30-03]
Date: Tue, 28 Oct 2003 17:35:05 -0500 (EST)
Subject: QOTD
"You got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because
you might not get there."
-- Yogi Berra
Date: Wed, 29 Oct 2003 11:04:40 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: watch the wording of a wish...
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes
behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and
saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder
again, and the bear was even closer.
He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but
saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and
raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God! . . . "
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky:
"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't
exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident.
Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you
as a believer? " The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be
hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but
perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian? "
"Very well", said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the
forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and
bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty
through Christ our Lord, Amen. "
Date: Thu, 30 Oct 2003 08:49:34 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: fortune OTD
"If some day we are defeated, well, war has its fortunes, good and bad."
-- Commander Kor, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3201.7
Date: Fri, 31 Oct 2003 08:46:05 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Yankee fans
On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the
coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the
Popemobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless
man, wearing a New York Yankees jersey, was struggling frantically to free
himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.
As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three
men wearing Boston Red Sox jerseys aboard. One quickly fired a harpoon
into the shark's side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding,
semiconscious Yankee fan from the water. Then using (autographed Nomar)
baseball bats, the three heroes in red beat the shark to death and hauled
it into the boat also.
Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you
my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was
some bitter hatred between Red Sox and Yankee fans, but now I have seen
with my own eyes that this is not the truth."
As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that?"
"It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and
has access to all of God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he
doesn't know anything about shark fishing... how's the bait holding up?"
Thanks for looking!
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