Date: Fri, 1 Oct 2004 11:02:25 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  a letter to Windows

from:
http://www.xyzcomputing.com/index.php?option=content&task=view&id=140&Itemid=26

Dear Microsoft Windows, 

In retrospect, this letter should be of no surprise to you. For years now 
I have stood by you despite the terrible things people have said. We have 
always managed to work through our serious problems but too many things 
have been swept under the table. I do not think I can stand (idly) by you 
any longer. 

What's that? No, another service pack will not help, not this time. 

I remember when we met, a warm April day, in 1992. For years I had been 
hearing about you, about your graphical user interface, innovations, and 
problems in the courtroom... I had seen you here and there, but it was not 
until that fateful day, April 6, that our relationship became serious. 
Though you had changed with the times, never like this. I was almost 
knocked off my feet when I first saw you. Right then I knew it, you had to 
be mine. Who else could offer me what you could? I wanted, no, I needed, 
your TrueType font support, your video playback capability, your color 
screen savers... 

As time progressed so did my needs. Our affair took its next serious step 
on August 24, 1995. At the time I thought our happiness would never end. 
You brought me places I never thought possible. How could I refuse your 
Plug-and-Play cabability or your TCP/IP stack? I mean, you gave up your 
best friend, DOS, so our relationship could progress unhindered. It hurts 
me to look back at us, two starry-eyed lovers wanting nothing more than 
each other's company. 

Then it almost all came tumbling down. June 25, 1998. What were you 
thinking? Were you thinking at all? You changed, like in 1995, but not 
like I thought you would. Still clinging to your DOS kernel, like a small, 
lost child clutching its teddy bear. Where was the OS I had learned to 
love? You feebly proffered USB support, DVD playback, and a Quick Launch 
toolbar, but you were beginning to mix with a bad crowd. With that 
invasive Internet Explorer. I knew about what happened... You let him 
access your Explorer. I thought that was something special between us. 

Though we had a bit of a falling out afterwards, my love was rekindled 
after February 17th, 2000. You were once again new- Professional- just 
like I thought you could one day be. I knew you were once again stable, 
not like back in 1998, and that you were the only OS for me. I remembered 
what had drawn me you you in the first place- ease of use, speed, your 
stunning looks, your compatibility. I remember saying, "I hope things 
never change because I love you the way you are." 

I thought that what we had meant something- your transformation in 2000 
seemed to cement that. I know now that I was wrong. By Sept 17 you tried 
to change for the Millennium. I saw right through you- trying to settle 
down and fit in better with the 'home-user'. Did you think I would love 
you more because of a few cosmetic changes? I was not impressed with the 
full-color icons, fancy skins, or your new media player. I thought what we 
had was deeper than that. Luckily you gave me a choicer, I did not have to 
choose the new you, the old version would be fine. I know you meant well 
but you just shouldn't have done that, especially with the '1998' episode 
so fresh in my mind. 

By October 25, 2001 more changes had come. Everyone told be how great the 
new you would be. I got so tired of hearing about how up to date, easy to 
work with, and slick looking you had become. That was all I could take. 
You changed so much that I didn't even know you any more. I really dug 
some of your new features but the old you, the you from 2000, could have 
done all this. So why did you have to change at all? I didn't want to 
upgrade you or make you into something you were not. 

Well, like I wrote, I have reached my limit. Its going to take more than 
an automatic update to fix our relationship. I just don't feel like I know 
you anymore. For example, do you know what I found on the computer a few 
days ago? Spyware! I wonder who let that in... 

Windows, I know you will try to change, but I have been hurt too many 
times. You should know that I have been seeing someone else for a few 
months now. She is fun, easy going, and will do something for me that you 
never even considered, share her source code. 

I don't know what else to say- we had a good run, but now its over. Pack 
up your Media Player, your browser, hell, take Minesweeper if you have to. 
I am sure see each other from time to time but I know one thing, I'll 
never again have to depend on you. 

Yours no longer,
S C.

Date: Mon, 4 Oct 2004 09:22:05 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases 
to be serious when people laugh." 
-- George Bernard Shaw

Date: Tue, 5 Oct 2004 08:55:14 -0400 (EDT)

  A three year old little boy was examining his scrotal sac while taking a 
bath.  "Mama," he asked, "are these my brains?"

  Mama answered, "Not yet."

Date: Wed, 6 Oct 2004 09:01:59 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  seasonal QOTD

"People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an election." 
-- Otto Von Bismarck 

Date: Thu, 7 Oct 2004 08:47:50 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome."
-- Isaac Asimov

Date: Tue, 12 Oct 2004 09:12:51 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." 
-- Jackie Mason 

Date: Wed, 13 Oct 2004 09:34:53 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender."  
-- Anne Boleyn

Date: Thu, 14 Oct 2004 09:34:53 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"You cannot have everything. I mean, where would you put it?"
--  Steven Wright
  

Date: Mon, 18 Oct 2004 08:30:07 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a 
vacuum." 
-- Arthur C. Clarke 

Date: Tue, 19 Oct 2004 09:13:35 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  new diet

  I know you've heard of the low carb diet, but have you heard of the NO 
CARB diet? It is one I hope to be on come November...

NO Cheney
NO Ashcroft
NO Rumsfeld
NO Bush
and absolutely NO Rice.

Date: Wed, 20 Oct 2004 09:02:01 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Quote From FoxSports.com

"Do you know how hard it is to stand out as boring among other golfers?"
-- about Vijay Singh

Date: Thu, 21 Oct 2004 09:24:12 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  good comeback

Lady Nancy Astor: "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your 
coffee." 

Winston Churchill: "Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it." 

Date: Fri, 22 Oct 2004 09:18:58 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Thirteen at a table is unlucky only when the hostess has only twelve chops." 
-- Groucho Marx 

Date: Mon, 25 Oct 2004 09:22:49 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is 
not hereditary." 
-- Thomas Paine 

Date: Tue, 26 Oct 2004 08:43:40 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  thought for you

A diva who specializes in risque arias is an off-coloratura soprano...

Date: Wed, 27 Oct 2004 08:56:42 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  RCMP Training

This may be a Internet myth; but I had never heard it and it's funny...

-----

  In most of the Canadian Provinces, there is a policy of checking on any 
stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop in the single 
digits or below. One morning in March 2004 about 3AM RCMP Constable Bill 
Wisen was awakened to respond to such a call of a car off the shoulder 
on the Trans Canada Highway outside of Medicine Hat, Alberta.

  Constable Wisen located the car still running, stuck in deep snow 
alongside the highway. Pulling in behind it with his emergency lights on, 
Constable Wisen walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed 
out behind the wheel and a near empty bottle of vodka in the seat. He 
tapped on the window and the driver woke up, seeing the rotating lights in 
his rear view mirror and the RCMP Constable standing next to his car. The 
man panicked, and he jerked the gearshift into drive and hit the gas.  The 
car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 then 50 KPH, but its still stuck in 
the snow.

  Constable Wisen, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to 
the speeding but still stationary car. The driver was totally freaked 
thinking the officer is actually keeping up with him. This goes on for 
about 20 seconds when Constable Wisen yelled at the man ordering him to 
"pull over". This man obeyed and turned his wheel and stopped the engine. 
Once out of the car the drunken driver asked about the RCMPs' special 
training and just how can the Constable run 50 KPH. The man, Mr. Robert 
Duport of Medicine Hat was arrested still believing that an RCMP Constable 
had outrun his car.

Date: Thu, 28 Oct 2004 09:18:42 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  political QOTD

"In an interview in USA Today, Teresa Heinz Kerry said she didn't think 
Laura Bush, who was a public school librarian for nine years, had ever 
held a 'real job.' Let me tell you something, if you're a librarian 
married to George W. Bush, there is no harder job on earth."
-- From "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" via the Associated Press

Date: Fri, 29 Oct 2004 07:47:09 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"Great acts are made up of small deeds." 
-- Lao Tsu