October 1997...
From - Thu Oct 16 09:32:09 1997
Subject: A Skier's Dictonary
A Skier's Dictionary
====================
Condensed from "Skiing: A Skier's Dictionary"
Henry Bread and Roy McKie
Alp: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe.
Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European.
Avalanche:
One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly
frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also:
Blizzard, First Aid, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift
Collapse.
Bindings:
Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from serious injury during
a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering
across the slope where they trip two other skiers.
Bones:
There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however;
the two bones of the middle ear have never been broken while
skiing.
Cross-Country Skiing:
Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain technique. It's good exercise,
doesn't require purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds
or lines. See also Cross-Country Something-Or-Other.
Cross-Country Something-or-Other:
Touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness, gliding through
snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes, hearing
nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping through snow
and the muffled screams of other skiers dropping into the puffy
powder of a deep, wind-sculpted drift.
Exercises:
A few simple warm-ups to make sure you're prepared for the slopes:
1) Tie a cinder block to each foot and climb a flight of stairs.
2) Sit on the outside of a fourth-story window ledge with your
skis on and your poles in your lap for at least 30 minutes.
3) Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor;
then, holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet.
Gloves:
Designed to be tight around the wrist to restrict circulation,
but not so closefitting as to allow any manual dexterity; they
should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting
any dampness within to escape.
Gravity:
One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers.
The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam;
the weak force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and
electromagnetism, which produces dead batteries in expensive
ski-resort parking lots. See Inertia.
Inertia:
Tendency of a skier's body to resist changes in direction or speed
due to the action of Newton's First Law of Motion. Goes along with
these other physical laws:
1) Two objects of different mass falling side by side will have
the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger
hospital and home care bills.
2) Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops
out of a parka pocket, don't expect to encounter it again
in our universe.
3) When an irresistible force meets an immovable object (see
"Tree")
Prejump:
Maneuver in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just ahead
of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled pre-fall just before
losing their balance and, if they wish, may precede it with either
a pre-scream and a few pre-groans or simple profanity.
Shin:
The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point
where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the
soreness from the strained ankle begins.
Ski!:
A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the
hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is
"Avalanche!" (which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill).
Skier:
One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.
Stance:
Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms
straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands
forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a
little crossed and darting in all directions. Your lips should be
quivering, and you should be mumbling, "Am I nuts or what?"
Thor:
The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth.
Traverse:
To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple
methods of reducing speed.
Tree:
The other method.
From - Fri Oct 17 09:48:26 1997
Subject: The Top 16 Signs Your Cat is Plotting World Domination
16> Sits on your newspaper in the morning and carefully reads the
coded message that Garfield sends out every day.
15> Used to sleep on top of TV, now monitors CNN 24 hours a day.
14> Notably absent from home during surprise feline invasion of
Poland.
13> When you enter the room, Snowball and the other members of the
Tri-Cateral Commission stop talking and begin playing with yarn.
12> Behind the couch you find a forged passport, plane tickets, and
nine suicide bombs.
11> What you thought was "heat" is actually a four-legged goose
step.
10> Well, *somebody* subscribed to alt.cats.world.domination.
9> Autopsy of the last mouse left on your doormat reveals "tattoo"
to be blueprint of the UN Building.
8> Constantly petting that bald man he keeps on his lap.
7> Kitty Chow spilled on the floor spells out "Drop the car keys
and leave the door open or the dog gets it in the head."
6> Then -- dead mice in the kitchen. Now -- dead third world
dictators in the basement.
5> Judging from the kitchen, he seems to be working on some kind
of "land mine" technology.
4> Fluffy is now sleeping only 21 hours a day, down from 23.
3> Has recently been acting somewhat... aloof.
2> What your cat lacks in charisma and good looks, he makes up
for with his ruthless handling of rival software companies.
and the Number 1 Sign Your Cat is Plotting World Domination...
1> Somehow, you're now subscribed to "Pussy of Fortune" magazine.
From - Mon Oct 20 10:11:30 1997
Subject: Monday humor
A missionary gets sent into deepest, darkest Africa. He spends years
with the people, teaching them to read and write, and also about the
good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly
stresses is the evils of sexual sin. "Thou must not commit adultery or
fornication!"
One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a
white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his
people to talk with the missionary.
"You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black
woman gives birth to white child. You are the only white man
that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to
work out what has been going on! The missionary replies: "No, no, my
good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a rare but natural
occurrence - it's called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See there
a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature
does this on occasion." The chief pauses for a moment and then says,
"Tell you what, my friend, you say nothing about the sheep, I say
nothing about the white child."
From - Tue Oct 21 12:40:16 1997
Subject: Re: HUMOR: Cynic's Dictionary (fwd)
DEFINITIONS FROM "THE CYNIC'S DICTIONARY"
ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION: Procreation without recreation.
BOOKCASE: A piece of furniture used in America to house bowling
trophies and Elvis collectibles.
BULIMIA: Retched excess.
CHIC: Considered smart without the deadening implication of
intelligence.
CLIQUE: A group of insiders who greet outsiders with their backsides; a
closed circle of asses.
CONSULTANT: A jobless person who shows executives how to work.
DENTURES: Two rows of artificial ivories that may be removed
periodically to frighten one's grandchildren or provide accompaniment to Spanish music.
DNA: A complex organic molecule characterized as the building block of
life
and appropriately shaped like a spiral staircase to nowhere.
ERUDITE: Exhibiting a degree of book learning fatal to success in any
business or romantic enterprise.
FIBER: Edible wood-pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life, so that
we might enjoy another six or eight years in which to consume wood-pulp.
FUNERAL HOME: A stately manse occupied by transients who continually
receive visitors but lack the energy and inclination to entertain them.
GENETIC ENGINEERING: Tampering with chromosomes so that science might
develop a new miracle cure or a rabbit that plays the banjo.
HIP: Smartly attuned to the latest cutting-edge cliches.
JOB: A state of employment everyone wants but few look forward to on a
Monday morning.
LAWYER: A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a
paying client; for this reason considered the most suitable background for
entry into politics.
LECHER: A stud with liver spots.
LOOTING: A public shopping spree generously sponsored by local
merchants in the wake of a riot.
LOTTERY: The equivalent of betting that the next pope will be from
Duluth, or that the parrot in the pet store window speaks Flemish.
MATH ANXIETY: An intense lifelong fear of two trains approaching each
other at speeds of 60 and 80 mph.
MUGGER: A benevolent citizen of the streets who frequently spares the
lives of total strangers in exchange for any cash and valuables in their
possession.
NEGOTIATING: The art of persuading your opponent to take the nice shiny
copper penny and give you the wrinkled old paper money.
NEUROTIC: Sane but unhappy about it.
OBITUARY: A final summation of our lives that, for most of us, occupies
about three inches of space in what will shortly become cage liner for our
neighbor's parakeet.
POSITIVE THINKING: Self-improvement through self-deception.
QUALITY OF LIFE: What an industrialized nation is said to offer when
enough of its citizens are suffering from terminal stress.
REVOLUTIONARY: An oppressed person wating for the opportunity to become
an oppressor.
SHALLOWNESS: The root cause of chronic good health, high school
popularity, appearance on the fiction bestseller lists, and gainful employment on
local TV news broadcasts.
STAR: A performer who makes more than his or her agent. Also
SUPERSTAR: A performer who makes more than Guatemala.
STATE-OF-THE-ART: Soon-to-be-obsolete.
TABOO: Any strict cultural prohibition that, when breached, causes
everyone in the group to gasp; e.g., cannibalism, public nudity, serving fried
pork rinds at a Hasidic wedding, or answering the question "How are you?" in
the negative.
UNEMPLOYMENT: The usual alternative to overwork.
URINAL: The one place where all men are peers.
VIRGIN: A young innocent who in former times was sacrificed to the gods
but
who now merely lives in disgrace.
WAKE: 1. A convivial soiree with a preserved corpse in the room. 2.
What the mourners would be visibly startled to see the corpse do, especially
those expecting a sizable inheritance.
X-CHROMOSOME: A genetic double-cross that empowers women with the
ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be color-blind
hemophiliacs.
ZOMBIE: A mirthless creature beloved by teenage horror movie fans and
those in charge of the hiring at accounting firms.
READ MORE AT "THE CYNIC'S SANCTUARY"
http://www.amz.com/cynic
"The Cynic's Dictionary" is published by William Morrow. All
definitions (c)
Rick Bayan.
From - Wed Oct 22 11:07:39 1997
Subject: For the parents and those thinking of becoming one...
This is from a 'guest' columnist, Janet Konttinen, in the San
Francisco Chronicle, July 22, 1997. She has a 4 year old son and 2
year old triplet daughters ....
"I remember seeing a kid in the grocery store with dirt and old
food on his face, wearing a filthy T-shirt, barefoot and eating a
two-pound candy bar. I couldn't imagine why his mother had brought
him to the store looking that way and why she would give him a candy
bar at 10 in the morning. That was before I had four kids. Now I
know why.
His face was dirty because he was going through a phase in which
having his face wiped seemed worse to him than getting beaten. She
chose not to do either. His T-shirt was filthy because it was his
favorite one. He wore it every day and every night. Just as they
were walking out the door to go to the store, he had pulled it out of
the clothes hamper and surprised her with it at the front door. By
then she didn't dare risk interrupting the momentum she'd built toward
the car by going back into the house to get a clean one.
He had shoes on when they left for the store, but he took them off in
the car and threw one out the window on the freeway. She was relieved
it was the left shoe, since he'd thrown a right one out the window the
week before.
He was eating a big candy bar because she had promised him he could
pick out his own treat at the store if he didn't throw the cat into
the pool for a whole week. She was desperate because it was the
neighbor's cat and couldn't swim.
I used to think that my children would eat only fresh, organic fruits
and vegetables and free-range chicken. Now I look forward to our
semiweekly luncheon at McDonald's. I have acquired a genuine love for
secret sauce, and relish the fact that my kids can't do anything wrong
there. This includes drenching their french fries in ketchup, then
spitting their cola out on top of the fries, molding the whole mess
into a big ball, then throwing it at one another. Before, when I would
see a woman wheeling a kid around in a dirty stroller, I'd ask myself,
"Why did she give birth to that child if she didn't plan to keep the
stroller clean?" The other week at my annual stroller washing party,
I found ground cover growing in the storage compartment of one of
mine.
When I would see children throwing fits in public, I would wonder why
the parents didn't just tie the kids' arms and legs together and put
them in the trunk of the car until they had finished shopping. Now I
know it's because they left the rope at home.
When several children were screaming in an airplane, I'd wonder why
there wasn't a separate airplane, and a separate planet, for kids. I
know now that their parents wish the same thing and that they had to
take the kids to attend the family reunion at Aunt Lois' so they could
see Uncle George before he kicked the bucket. The kids were crying
because their parents wouldn't let them eat the headset, stick their
fingers in the ear of the lady in front of them, or press the
attendant call button for the 100th time. The parents were
preoccupied with trying to decide where to change the really smelly
diaper. Should they change it on the seat next to the couple on their
honeymoon, or on the floor in the back where five perky
flight attendants were playing bumper cars with those one-ton food
carts?
Forget the bathroom. They were designed to hold one person with short
legs. The parents feared that the smell would cause a panicky
passenger to pull open the emergency exit in order to trigger the
release of the oxygen masks, and they'd all be sucked out of the
airplane.
Now when I see a little girl wearing cowboy boots on the wrong feet, a
pink bathing suit on backward and Army helmet, I think "She IS
absolutely sure that her shoes are on the right feet, and she likes
the way the helmet looks with the swimsuit. And, no, she doesn't want
to wear a jacket because 'she likes to be cold.' She is happy."
From - Thu Oct 23 09:37:18 1997
Subject: roll on the floor funny
"Wiiiiilliam Gaaaates..."
"Oh, hi, Satan. What's up downstairs?"
"It's tiiiiime..."
"Yeah, but we're still debugging Memphis, and Ballmer swears he'll
wipe out Adobe before lunch, and Melinda wants to change the tile in
the third-floor kitchen again, and..."
"Sorry, Bill. I've given you too many extensions already, not to
mention the Oracle launch event disaster, not to mention Steve Jobs'
head on a platter."
"Yeah, that was a good one. I think you enjoy this as much as I..."
"Regardless, a deal's a deal. Your soul is mine, Bill Gates. And
today is the day you pay your eternal debt to me."
"Now, let's be reasonable here, Satan..."
"Reasonable?!? You want reasonable?!? You're the richest man in the
world! You've got a beautiful wife and daughter! Microsoft is the most
powerful company on the planet! We're even using NT to run hell's WAN
server! And frankly, it sucks. That's one of the reasons I've come to
collect. If you can't get my network to run right, you'll spend the
afterlife writing Windows applications that run on doorbells..."
"What's your alternative, Satan? Netware? AppleTalk? OS/2? You're a
funny guy for someone who breathes fire."
"Well, God is porting all his heaven-critical applications to Java..."
"Java?!? Stop it, Satan. You're going to make me wet my pants again
like that time you told me to buy Novell for $50 a share."
"Yes, Java, running on Sun servers, IBM plumbing and Oracle databases
with thin clients accessing the apps via the web through Netscape
Navigator."
"That's not a solution, that's one of those Grimm's fairy tales that
scare children to death. I have yet to see an NC actually being used
to do anything except crash during demonstrations. Look, Java is a
nice little language for animating web sites, but Shockwave after too
many espressos isn't going to displace Windows as an applications
platform on hundreds of millions of PCs."
"Nevertheless, Java is the future of computing, and I'll be damned
if I'm going to give God a strategic technology advantage!"
"Satan, what if I told you I could kill off Java with a single word?"
"Interesting. Tell me more."
"Wait a minute. What's in it for me?"
"I promise I won't turn you into Larry Ellison's bidet right this
second."
"Okay, that works for me. Here's the word...disable."
"Disable what?"
"Disable Java support in Internet Explorer."
"You mean Microsoft's web browser won't run Java anymore?"
"That's right, brimstone breath. You want to run Java, give Netscape
50 bucks per seat and pray that IBM doesn't buy the company to merge
Communicator with Lotus Notes."
"The Department of Justice will..."
"Will what? Punish me because I won't support a product my enemies
want to use to destroy my company? Chevrolet dealers don't have to
sell Fords. Pepsi's restaurants don't have to offer Coke. Why
does Microsoft have to support Java?"
"It's an industry standard..."
"It's an industry hallucination."
"There will be a public outcry..."
"From who? Network managers? MIS? The CIO? They're up to their
nosehairs in Cobol getting ready for January 1, 2000. To them, Java
is still a cute word for coffee."
"What about all those spiffy applets on thousands of web sites?"
"Microsoft owns 100 percent of the Apple and Windows preload market
for browsers, and our overall share has gone from zero to half in two
years. It's a safe bet most people will soon use IE for web access. If
they come to a site that doesn't work because of Java, they'll simply
jump to the next one. Trust me, developers will switch to ActiveX
faster than you can say 'Playstation.'"
"What about other platforms..."
"Like Intel has competition?"
"Interactive TV..."
"We call it WebTV in Redmond."
"Venture capitalists have invested billions..."
"To get a date with Kim Polese."
"Sun will write a plug-in..."
"Not without the hidden APIs."
"Of all my minions, you are my very favorite, Bill. You may stay."
"Thanks, Satan. Now, about that Exchange license agreement..."
From - Fri Oct 24 09:28:33 1997
Subject: sick sick sick...
Well, I was gonna let this one go by... but FOUR of you have submitted
it, so I guess I will bow to the majority opinion... Here's the longest
version I have seen yet...
To the tune of "Thank God I'm a Country Boy!"
Oh God I'm An Ocean Buoy
-not by John Denver
Took a flight from the farm
and I never came back
Built a plane from a kit
But I didn't have the knack
Jumped in the cockpit
and downed a six-pack
And now I'm an ocean buoy
Well, I grabbed the controls
And I started to fiddle
Got flames coming up
On my face like a griddle
Air flight ain't nothing
But a funny, funny riddle
So now I'm an ocean buoy.
Well, my head's chopped in pieces
And my body's full of dents
They'll identify me
By my guitar's fingerprints
I tried to "dry out"
But instead got a rinse
And now I'm an ocean buoy
Well, it's really farrr out
When you're down 'neath the water
I just ain't been right
Since I started on the bottle
I reach for Jim Beam
But instead grab the throttle
And now I'm an ocean buoy
Well, I grabbed the controls
And I started to fiddle
Got flames coming up
On my face like a griddle
George Burns appeared beside me
And we prayed just a little
Oh God! I'm an ocean buoy!
The day's just about over
And I'm sinking kinda low
In the undersea world
of Jacques Cousteau
Calypso can you find me
By the bubbles that I blow
'Cause now I'm an ocean buoy.
From - Mon Oct 27 10:00:02 1997
Subject: Hostile Takeover??
Microsoft Addresses Justice Department Accusations
REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 21, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations
made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today
that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of
America for an undisclosed sum.
"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth",
said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive
arrangement for everyone".
Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office
of the White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members
of the press that changes will be "minimal". The United States will be
managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public
offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is
expected to be profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to Microsoft
president Steve Ballmer.
In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had
"willingly and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president
with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States
government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to
give up the mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and
referred to it as "a relief". He went on to say that Gates has a "proven
track record", and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their "full
support and confidence". Clinton will reportedly be earning several
times the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president, in his new
role at Microsoft.
Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to
Redmond as "silly", though did say that he would make executive
decisions for the U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft
headquarters. Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would "of
course" be abolished. "Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed, "and
look how well we're doing".
When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was
proceeding, Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking
place".
Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating
that United States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes,
increases in government services and discounts on all Microsoft
products.
About Microsoft
Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in
software for personal computers, and democratic government. The company
offers a wide range of products and services for public, business and
personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and
more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of
personal computing and free society every day.
About the United States
Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful
nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy
and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C.,
the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.
"The United States of America" and "Microsoft" are registered
trademarks of
Microsoft Corporation.
From - Wed Oct 29 09:20:15 1997
Subject: biological humor
Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior
college, asked during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the
organ of the human body which, under the appropriate conditions,expands
to six times its normal size, and define those conditions?"
Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think
that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you, my parents will hear
of this," and sat down red-faced.
Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same
question.
Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim
light."
"Correct Miss Johnson," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have
three things to say to you.
One, you have not studied your lesson.
Two, you have a dirty mind.
And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful
disappointment."
From - Fri Oct 31 09:35:14 1997
Subject: The Pope
A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the
Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman.
"I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see
him in person."
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for
the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. "This is
fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords.
Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse
me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends
with the letters unt?"
Only one word leapt to mind ...
"My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that.
There
must be another word."
The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him.
Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think the word you're
looking for is 'aunt'."
"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"
------------------------
Enjoy your Samhain!
Thanks for looking!
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