October 1998...
Date: Thu, 1 Oct 1998 06:43:13 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: what a man will do for golf...
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a
couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself: "I'd give anything to sink
this next putt."
A stranger walks up to him and whispers: "Would you give up a fourth of
your sex life?" The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer
will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put
him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK."
And sinks the putt.
Two holes later he mumbles to himself: "Boy, if I could only get an
eagle on this hole." The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would
it be worth another fourth of your sex life?" The golfer shrugs and says,
"Sure." And he makes an eagle.
Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win.Though
he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be
willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"
The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle.As the golfer walks
to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,"You know, I've
really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the
devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."
"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."
Date: Fri, 2 Oct 1998 05:48:06 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Starr gets job offer
Hustler mag's Flynt offers Starr job as porno aide
LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - If independent counsel Kenneth Starr wants a
new job after investigating President Clinton, Hustler magazine publisher
Larry Flynt has the position - adviser on pornography. "After a reading of
the Starr report I am impressed by the salacious and voyeuristic nature of
your work," Flynt wrote to Starr Wednesday offering him a job with his
magazine group. "The quality and quantity of material you have assembled
in the Starr report contains more pornographic references than those
provided by Hustler Online services this month," his letter said. "I
congratulate you for having opened the doors of libraries and schools to
pornographic literature," the publisher wrote.
Date: Mon, 5 Oct 1998 05:47:30 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: interesting sermon, Chaplain...
Friday, October 2, 1998; 12:06 p.m. EDT
JACKSONVILLE, Fla. (AP) -- A minister who was using a .357-caliber magnum
to compare sin to Russian roulette died after shooting himself in the head
with a blank round before several hundred parishioners, including his
family.
Melvyn Nurse, 35, died Thursday at University Medical Center, five days
after he shot himself during his sermon at Livingway Christian Fellowship
Church International.
``I thought it was part of the sermon, that he was supposed to fall. When
I got up there, I saw blood on the carpet,'' said Anthony Speight, the
church pastor.
Nurse was preaching about sin and guns Saturday when he raised the gun to
his head and pulled the trigger, shattering his skull. He collapsed in
front of the congregation, which included his wife and children.
Blanks contain a hard cardboardlike wad that shoots several feet from the
barrel when fired, police said. Nurse may not have realized they could
injure someone.
During the sermon, Speight said, Nurse opened the gun's cylinder,
inserted a blank, spun the cylinder and closed it. Each time he discussed
a specific sin, he'd repeat the same motion, without putting in another
blank, and fired the gun above his head.
Neither police nor church members knew who owned the gun.
``This man was a hero,'' Speight said. ``Anyone who met him could discern
God's presence and spirit in him.''
Copyright 1998 The Associated Press
Date: Tue, 6 Oct 1998 05:37:33 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: QUIZ: Love Lives of the U.S. Presidents
QUIZ: Love Lives of the U.S. Presidents
1. Which president smoked marijuana with a nude woman while he joked
about being too wasted to "push the button" in case of nuclear
attack?
2. Which president allegedly had affairs with both a winner AND a
finalist in the Miss America pageant?
3. Which president made love to one of his secretaries stretched out
atop a desk in the oval office?
4. Which president allegedly had an affair (as well as children) with a
slave who was his wife's half-sister?
5. Which president called his mistress "Pookie"?
6. Which president married a woman who hadn't yet divorced her first
husband -- and was branded an "adulterer" during his re-election
campaign? Come on, you saw the movie -- Susan Hayward??
7. Which future president wrote love letters to his neighbor's wife
while he was engaged to someone else?
8. Which president had a torrid affair with the first lady's personal
secretary?
9. Which president made love to a young woman in a White House coat
closet at one point, while a secret service agent prevented the
hysterical first lady from attacking them?
10. Which president made love in a closet while telling his lover about
the *other* president who made love in a closet (the one in
Question 9)?
11. Which vice-president was pissed off because he felt that HIS record
of sexual conquests was more impressive than the president's?
12. Which future president, while a college student, loved showing off
his manhood (which he named "Jumbo")?
13. Which president was dogged in his election campaign by reports of
an illegitimate child? (Ma, oh Ma, where's Pa? Gone to the White
House. Ha, ha, ha!)
14. Which president confessed to lust in his heart in a Playboy
interview?
15. Which future president spent the night with the woman who would
become his wife and confided to a friend, "I believe I shall have
to marry that woman."
16. FAMOUS OLDY: While visiting a government farm, the First Lady was
surprised at the sexual vigor of the rooster. When the guide
explained that the cock was capable of action several times a day,
she said, "Tell that to the President." Who was her husband?
17. Upon being given the message, what did the president in #16 reply?
BONUS QUESTION: Before he became president, what was John F. Kennedy's
nickname in Palm Beach?
A. Jack Rabbit
B. Jumper Jack
C. Mattress Jack
BONUS QUESTION TWO: What president was so devoted a husband that he
kept his fragile wife beside him at all times, violating
seating protocol at state dinners and official occasions?
ANSWERS:
1. John F. Kennedy
2. Bill Clinton
3. Lyndon B. Johnson
4. Thomas Jefferson
5. Bill Clinton
6. Andrew Jackson
7. George Washington
8. Franklin D. Roosevelt
9. Warren G. Harding
10. John F. Kennedy
11. Lyndon B. Johnson
12. Lyndon B. Johnson
13. Grover Cleveland
14. Jimmy Carter
15. Abraham Lincoln
16. Calvin Coolidge
17. When told of the rooster's prowess, Coolidge asked,
"Same hen every time?" "No, a different one every time,"
came the reply. The president said, "Tell that to MRS. Coolidge."
BONUS QUESTION: c.
BONUS QUESTION TWO: William McKinley (not all Bills are faithless).
Date: Wed, 7 Oct 1998 06:30:25 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: options...
Bill Clinton was feeling really depressed and decided to go for a walk
to gain inspiration.
He wound up on the Mall in front of the Washington Monument. "George,
what advice do you have for me?", he asked the spire.
Moments later a voice from the top of the spire answered, "Always tell
the truth."
"I'm not sure I can do that" said the President, and continued his walk.
He soon found himself in front of the Jefferson Memorial. "Thomas? What
should I be doing?"
"Treat every one with dignity and respect" came a voice from the
memorial.
"Well, that's no help either" said Bill. He started walking again and
finally found himself at the Lincoln Memorial.
"Abe, I need help. Tell me what to do."
The silence stretched for almost a minute, then, a voice came from the
memorial.
"Go to the theater..."
Date: Thu, 8 Oct 1998 05:53:25 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Don't Be Late
The armies of Alexander the Great were greatly feared in their day, but
there was one problem that they had that almost defeated them. Alexander
could not get his people to staff meetings on time. He always held the
meetings at 6:00 P. M. each day after the day's battle was done, but
frequently his generals either forgot or let the time slip up on them and
missed the 6:00 P. M. staff meeting. This angered Alexander very much, to
say the least!
So he called in his research team and set up a project to develop a
method of determining the time at 6:00 P. M. each day. There were no
clocks in those days, at least none that could be carried around. The
smallest was a giant water clock "Find a way for my staff to determine the
hour of the day, or at least when it gets to be 6:00 P. M.," he said,
"Cost is no object."
A study was instituted and, with several brain-storming sessions, his
staff came up with the following idea. In a land some distance away, there
grew a bush whose berries contained a type of dye that changed color at
6:00 P. M. each evening. They found that by dyeing strips of cloth and
issuing them to the generals, they could see when it was 6:00 P. M. by the
color change, and could consistently get to the 6:00 P. M. meetings on
time. Needless to say this pleased Alexander very much.
It was then turned over to his marketing group to come up with a name
for this new invention as Alexander saw definite market potential in the
strips.
"It can be worn on the wrist and can be easily watched for the color
change," said one junior executive. "I therefore propose to call it the
Wrist Watch." This name was immediately discarded for being too bland and
obvious.
Another man suggested that since it could be worn in the naval and could
be observed by just looking down, it should be called the Naval
Observatory. This idea was rejected immediately as being too weird and too
technical sounding for the general public.
A junior vice-president suggested that since it could be worn around the
neck and would insure that you would be informed when it reached 6:00
P.M., it should be called the Six O'Clock Noose, but this was rejected as
too threatening.
Finally the senior vice president, who up to now had been silent, spoke
and rendered his decision. "We shall call it a timeband, and in honor of
the Great Alexander, it shall be known as ... 'Alexander's Rag Timeband!'
Date: Fri, 9 Oct 1998 05:19:43 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Air Force vs Navy
By the time the sailor pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I
don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted
the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the
truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained
in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and
bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Navy guy.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the
sailor explained.
"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight,
beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
Date: Mon, 12 Oct 1998 05:35:55 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Virgin???
A fellow in a bar noticed a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly
regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you,"
she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but
I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."
"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.
"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty
upset."
Date: Tue, 13 Oct 1998 06:08:26 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Letting 'em have it
You are excess baggage in the airport of life.
- Judy Tenuta
When you go to a mind reader, do you get half price?
- Ben Creed
Cut yourself a slice of throat.
- Curly Howard
How are you holding up during the lithium shortage?
- David Letterman
What do you use for birth control? Your personality?
- Richard Belzer
Why don't you walk into a parking meter and violate yourself?
- Dick Cavett (written by Cavett for Jack E. Leonard)
Your husband tells me you have a great mind. Too bad it hasn't reached
your head.
- Jack E. Leonard
Why don't you put your face in dough and make jackass cookies?
- Soupy Sales
Don't think too hard ... you might hurt yourself.
- Victor Moore
She's like a rose to me. They smell and so does she.
- Homer Haynes
Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
- Groucho Marx (in Horse Feathers)
I've got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
- Groucho Marx (in Duck Soup)
Do you mind if I jump up on your head? I feel like a walk around the
block.
- Jack Kirkwood
He's a self-made man... the living proof of the horrors of unskilled
labor!
- Ed Wynn
He was the nearest thing I'd seen to a human being without actually being
one.
- Spike Milligan
Save your breath, you may want it to clean your glasses later.
- Julius Tannen
If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?
- Charles Pierce
That corner over by the fireplace looks kind of bare. I'd like to see
something hanging there - you.
- Lou Costello
I'll flip you like a cheese omelette, I'll lay you out like a wholesale
carpet, buddy boy!
- Jeff Altman
The last time I saw a head like yours was in a bottle ... I'll hit you on
the top of your head so hard I'll drive your head down into your ribs.
When you open your eyes you'll think you're in jail!
- The Great Gildersleeve (Harold Peary)
Do you know the meaning of rigor mortis? Well, you will in a minute.
- W. C. Fields
I just want to say, if you had lived, you would have been a very sick man.
- Jack E. Leonard
They say you shouldn't say nothin' about the dead unless it's good. He's
dead. Good.
- Moms Mabley
Elsie's awfully good to her mother - she never goes home.
- Charley Weaver (Cliff Arquette)
You remind me of my brother Bosco - only he had a human head.
- Judy Tenuta
If my dog had your face, I'd shave his butt and teach him to walk
backwards.
- Jamie Farr
He's got a wonderful head for money. There's this long slit on the top.
- David Frost
When you use your brain it's a violation of the child-labor law.
- Joe E. Lewis
You are a foul ball in the line drive of life.
- Charles Schulz ("Peanuts")
It's a good thing you're wearing a mustache. It breaks up the monotony of
your face.
- Rodney Dangerfield
The only reason you wear that mustache is because you're too cheap to buy
scissors.
- Pat Cooper
Ten million sperm and his had to win.
- Valerie Landsburg
You're as goofy as a duck on ether.
- David Letterman
What would you charge to haunt a house?
- Fred Allen
When I get through making Benny eat his words he'll think he's been on a
diet of dry alphabet soup.
- Fred Allen
Date: Wed, 14 Oct 1998 06:17:51 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Chinese Jews
Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are
there any Jews in China?""I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask
the waiter?" When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese
Jews?" "I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went
into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No
Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the
kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no
Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere." When the waiter
returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews." "Are you really sure?" Al asked
again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews." "Sir, I ask
everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange Jews, prune
Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese Jews!"
Date: Thu, 15 Oct 1998 10:27:11 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Religion == Programming?
This all started when a friend asked if we could consider Christianity
to be "Judaism++". What would happen if some religions were treated as
programming languages?
Judaism (J): Block-structured religion, with syntax literally carved in
blocks, although many J programmers argue about language semantics. In
program name spaces, there is only one divine object with global scope,
and no nested blocks may override its definition. Unfortunately,
debugging is difficult as the divine object cannot even be named, and
therefore exists only in whitespace. Most programs make heavy use of
"guilt()" call of "lman.a". Must use RL(1) parsers.
Roman Catholicism (J++): Object-oriented version of J (hence J++). J++
has overridden the divine object and provided a name, with other method
names seeing changes and new methods added (eg. grace(), confess() are
added to Man; "Messiah" is kept, "Sheol" is now "Las Vegas", etc.) J++
Systems Analysts must, curiously, remain celibate. The reference
platform definition resides in Rome with changes and additions made
constantly. This could be blamed by the Senior Systems Analysts'
fondness for espresso and cardinal numbers. Rumours that the language
must be expressed using only Polish notation are false.
Protestants (P, J++-): In a reaction against the ornateness of J++,
several European programmers developed P by removing contentious
library calls in J++ (eg. "checkCelibacy", "payIndulgence",
"enterPurgatory", "fishOnFridays", etc.). Different P installations
originally accepted each other's code, but, alas and alack, this is no
longer the case. There have been a few attempts to come up with a
Pcode virtual religion, but converting from one dialect to another is
difficult, and by the time the resulting program is finished running
with Pcode, the programmer ends up in therapy with a Jungian. Many J++
programmers convert to using P, but the reverse is much rarer and more
spectacular.
Southern-Baptists (Q): This is a dialect of P in which proof of program
correctness is an executing program. Q code which crashes is held to
be incorrect, but until this happens, it is nearly impossible to
convince a Q programmer that their running program has bugs. For some
reason, a recent Q language conference strengthened an old J rule that
source programs with suffix ".xx" must, without question, execute
commands given by programs with suffix ".xy".
Islam (A): There is some contention as to whether or not A code is
inspired by J and J++ language features or if it just overrides J and
J++ methods. A programmers can easily switch between J, J++ and A
code. (However, several international J++/A programming conferences
held south of Tel Aviv between the years 1095 and 1272 turned ugly as
possession of the J reference platform was disputed.) Much of A
programming revolves around appeals to an oracle object named "K",
which resolves all collisions in the combined J, J++ and A namespace.
Many different dialects of A remain popular, although interoperation
efforts have been occasionally described as "internecine". The
reference platform can be seen in Mecca only by A programmers.
Mormons (M): Inherits all method interfaces from P but completely
changes their implementations. This confuses most P programmers as
their programs will run on an M machine, but the programs have have
radically different semantics from the original. Reference platform is
in Salt Lake City. Young M programmers travel in pairs, handing out
language specs and programming advice for free. Many non-M
practitioners have this spec on their shelves, but never get around to
reading it. Legend has it that an M programmer wrote the precursor to
"Doom".
Atheists (--): These programmers eschew programming languages, and
instead work with specification languages. They insist that a divine
object does not exist because it cannot be fully specified. They work
with J and J++ programmers, pointing out all the errors in latter's
code. Sadly, they actually get no work accomplished themselves because
of all the time spent specifying programs that never work properly,
although their one article of faith is that program failure is always
the fault of the programmer and never the specifier.
New Age (Omega): A scripting language combining features from the
world's major religions. Some practitioners consider themselves
wizards because of the language's difficult syntax and semantics (a bit
like awk, sed and Rexx, but with no whitespace). These wizards have
been seen explaining their code to J++ and P programmers, but the
latter have not been able to make head(1) nor tail(1) of the
algorithms. P programmers insist Omegans are really pagans, but there
is no evidence of Omegans performing code reviews at the stroke of
midnight, waving dead chickens, or using assembly code.
Waiting for lightning to strike my UPS,
I remain,
Yours truly,
(name removed to protect the informant)
Date: Fri, 16 Oct 1998 05:50:00 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: EXPERTS WARN OF THREAT FROM 100GB BUG
Firebringer News Service (FBNS) - Experts warned today of a new and
deadly threat to our beleaguered civilization: the 100GB Bug. As most
people know, McDonald's restaurant signs show the number of hamburgers
the giant chain has sold. That number now stands at 99 billion burgers,
or 99 Gigaburgers (GB). Within months or even weeks, that number will
roll over to 100GB.
McDonald's signs, however, were designed years ago, when the prospect
of selling one hundred billion hamburgers seemed unthinkably remote. So
the signs have only two decimal places (sic). This means that, after the
sale of the 100 billionth burger, McDonald's signs will read "00
Billion Burgers Sold."
This, experts predict, will convince the public that, in over thirty
years, no McDonald's hamburgers have ever in fact been sold, causing a
complete collapse of consumer confidence in McDonald's products. The
ensuing catastrophic drop in sales is seen as almost certain to force
the already troubled company into bankruptcy.
This, in turn, will push the teetering American economy over the brink,
which, finally, will complete the total devastation of the global
economy, ending civilization as we know it and forcing us all to live on
beetles. "The people who know (the sign-makers) are really scared of
100GB," one expert said. "I don't know about you, but I'm digging up a
copy of THE FIELD GUIDE TO NORTH AMERICAN INSECTS and heading for the
hills."
Date: Mon, 19 Oct 1998 05:37:30 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Washington Post Style Invitational
The Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asked readers to take any
word from the dictionary , alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing
one letter, and supply a new definition.
Foreploy: any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
obtaining sex.
Fortissimoe: the musical moment produced when someone serially slaps the
faces of the first-violin section.
Tatyr: a lecherous Mr. Potato Head.
Doltergeist: a spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as
your septic tank.
Giraffiti: vandalism spray-painted very, very high, such as the famous
"Surrender Dorothy" on the Beltway overpass.
Sarchasm: the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient
who doesn't get it.
Conratemps: the resentment permanent workers feel toward the fill-in
workers.
Whitetater: a political hot potato.
Impotience: eager anticipation by men awaiting their Viagra prescription.
Auto-da-feh: the extermination of heretics via drowning in a vat of pus.
Stupfather: Woody Allen.
Reintarnation: coming back to life as a hillbilly.
DIOS: the one true operating system.
Inoculatte: to take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: terminal coolness.
Writer's tramp: a woman who practices poetic licentiousness.
Taterfamilias: the head of the Potato Head family.
Guillozine: a magazine for executioners.
Osteopornosis: a degenerate disease.
Adulatery: cheating on your wife with a much younger woman who holds you
in awe.
Suckotash: a dish consisting of corn, lima beans and tofu.
Emasculathe: a tool for castration.
Burglesque: a poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate)
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a
serious bummer.
Genitaliar: an image-enhancing object that can be carried in a man's
front pocket.
Glibido: all talk and no action.
Antifun gal: a prude.
Vaseball: a game of catch played by children in the living room.
Eunouch: the pain of castration.
Hindkerchief: really expensive toilet paper; toilet paper at Buckingham
palace.
Deifenestration: to throw all talk of God out the window.
Hozone: the area around 14th street.
Acme: a generic skin disease.
Hindprint: indentation made by a couch potato.
Intaxication: euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts
until you realize it was your money to start with.
Dopeler effect: the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.
Coiterie: a very VERY close-knit group.
Date: Tue, 20 Oct 1998 05:58:39 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: NACM
AGENDA ITEMS FOR TODAY AT NATIONAL ASSOCIATION
OF CREDIT MANAGERS MEETING
1. Opening 12:00n
2. How to Abuse Office E-Mail
Lists: A Refresher 12:30pm
3. How to Puff Yourself Up
and Make Yourself Look
More Important Than You
Really Are 1:00pm
4. Job Search: How to
Spread The Word That
You Are Looking for
A Job 1:30pm
5. Avon: How to Survive
When Your Local Pusher
Moves Away and You Can't
Get The Perfume you Want 2:00pm
6. How to Use Formatting and
Fonts in Your E-Mail That
Most of The Company Can't
Read. 2:30pm
7. How to Annoy Your
Co-workers by Announcing
on a Monthly Basis That
Your Employees Can
Actually Do Their Job 3:00pm
Date: Wed, 21 Oct 1998 05:43:54 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: labels
ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT - Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom
of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING - Product will be hot after heating
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON - Do not Iron clothes on body
ON BOOTS CHILDREN'S COUGH MEDICINE - Do not drive car or operate machinery
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID) - Warning: may cause drowsiness
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE - Warning keep out of children
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS - For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR - Not to be used for the other use
ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS - Warning: contains nuts
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS - Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW - Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands
ON A PACKET OF SUNMAID RAISINS - Why not try tossing over your favourite
breakfast cereal?
ON GERMAN HEADPHONES - Do not increase volume past threshold of pain.
Date: Thu, 22 Oct 1998 05:31:29 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Juggling.....
A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer
was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes (swords) in the car.
"What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.
"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act."
"Well, show me," the officer demanded.
So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then
more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back,
putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.
Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God.
I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."
Date: Fri, 23 Oct 1998 05:57:15 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Now if I were Hillary....
Nominated for quote of the year is the statement made by Representative
Dick Armey, who when asked if he were in the President's place, would he
resign, responded:
"If I were in the President's place I would not get a chance to resign. I
would be lying in a pool of my own blood hearing Mrs. Armey standing over
me saying, "How do I reload this darn thing?!"
Date: Mon, 26 Oct 1998 05:56:03 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: The Joy of Flying
THE JOY OF FLYING
--------------------------
On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped
into the seat next to him. The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee
and the parrot squawks, "And why don't you get me a whisky, you b****."
The stewardess, flustered by the parrot's outburst, brings back a whisky
for the parrot but inadvertently forgets the man's cup of coffee. As the
man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess the
parrot downs his drink and shouts, "And get me another whisky, you s***."
Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot's whisky but
still no coffee for the man. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man
decides that he is going to try the parrot's approach, "I've asked you
twice for a cup of coffee, wench! I expect you to get it for me right now
or I'm going to slap that disgustingly ugly face of yours!"
Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and
thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.
Plunging down the parrot turns to the man and says, "For someone who
can't fly, you sure are a rude bastard!"
Date: Tue, 27 Oct 1998 07:59:04 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Personal Ads
Top Least Used Personals Acronyms
---------------------------------
WSF = "will settle for" ("ISO leggy supermodel; WSF any vertebrate");
LWM = "live with Mom" ("SM, financially independent -- because I LWM");
BTD = "bore {you} to death" ("SF, enjoy long walks on beach, and the
chance to BTD about my old boyfriend");
PEM = "pathetic excuse for a man" ("You've tried the best *and* the rest,
now try this PEM");
MMP = "married male predator" ("MMP ISO gullible woman to string along
until the sex dries up.");
TSZ = "twelve-step zealot" ("SM, enjoy endlessly obsessing about my
twelve-step program");
CHF = "collect Hummel figures" ("SF, 49, no contact with the outside world
except shopping trips to CHF");
IPH = "impossibly poofy hair" ("SF, 21 ISO SM 18-45 who enjoys The Mall
and my IPH");
ACS = "Active Canker Sores" ("SM, with AKC ISO SF without same");
PDP = "Pants Dropping President" ("PDP seeks big-haired minimum wage
receptionist to show distinguishing characterisitcs of member...")
Date: Wed, 28 Oct 1998 07:29:46 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: Vampirism
The Top 15 Complaints of Modern Day Vampires
15> Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.
14> Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.
13> Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.
12> Three Words: Daylight Savings Time
11> Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck
yelling, "Look Ma! It's Elvis!"
10> After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find
clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.
9> After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.
8> No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.
7> With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs
are suddenly off-limits.
6> No warm blood for miles around DC.
5> Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.
4> No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.
3> Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized
"hardbodies."
2> Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.
and the Number 1 Complaint of Modern Day Vampires...
1> Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.
Date: Thu, 29 Oct 1998 12:33:01 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: WWJCD?
In response to all of the "What Would Jesus Do?" folks...
It's so hard to find role models in this day and age. It's important to
have good role models to offer guidance for today's young people to help
us make the right choices. That's why I wear a WWJCD bracelet. Whenever I
am faced with a dilemma, I look at the bracelet and see the WWJCD and ask
myself "What would Jackie Chan do?"
When I saw kids picking on or teasing a smaller kid, I asked myself,
"What would Jackie Chan do?" Jackie Chan would help the little kid, of
course. And he'd try to teach the others not to torment people. But, when
they ganged up on me, I used the smaller kid's bookbag and lunchpail like
they were a pair of nunchucks!
JC is a happy-go-lucky guy who even has friends with potty-mouths like
Chris Rock in "Rush 24 Hours". He is always helpful to his friends and
only fights when he has to fight. Plus, Jackie Chan doesn't drink much,
because the Drunken Style Boxing is too dangerous.
So, whenever I'm at a party or a rave or in the mall, I'll always glance
at my WWJCD bracelet and look around for ladders, brooms, tables and
chairs and ask myself, "What would Jackie Chan do?"
Date: Fri, 30 Oct 1998 05:59:05 -0500 (EST)
Subject: humor: If you can't live without me why aren't you dead yet?!
This was sent to me by a lady on the list. QED. :)
-------------------------------------------
If you can't live without me why aren't you dead yet?!
-- by Cynthia Heimel, (c) 1991, HarperCollins Books,
ISBN: 0-06-097478-8.
PMS and Outfits
Hello, I'm premenstrual. So I've chained myself to the radiator.
Why? Must you ask?
I've chained myself to the radiator because if I give myself an inch,
I'll go shopping. And if I go shopping I will buy something. And that
thing I buy, that thing I find myself madly and irrevocably in love with,
the thing that I think I've secretly wanted all my life and only finally
had the courage to buy will probably be a brightly voluminous turquoise
jumpsuit with epaulets. I'm not crazy about jumpsuits. I've shunned
turquoise since I was seven. I hate epaulets.
But today I don't. Today I think of epaulets as the bee's knees. Today
I think I might have been hasty in condemning jumpsuits and turquoise.
Today I want to be wild and free as the wind. I have PMS. I am insane.
Really bonkers. If you live in England and happen to have PMS when you
commit a murder, you can be acquitted. England is a very enlightened
country.
You wouldn't believe the boots I got once. Putrid green. There was
fringe involved, and I believe some silver studs. Maybe not, I can't bear
to open the box and look at them.
The buying of unfortunately colored boots is the biggest symptom of PMS.
I was having a business lunch with a perfectly awful girl once, the kind
of girl who steals boyfriends. She was wearing neon-blue, leather cowboy
boots. Snakeskin and suede inserts. Scalloped tops. Tassels. Beige
stacked heels. Excruciating. You could kill yourself just looking at
them.
"What do you think of my boots?" she asked.
"When did you buy them?" I asked.
"Last week sometime," she said.
"When was your last period?" I asked.
"It just started today," she said. "Why?"
"No reason," I said. "The boots are extremely pleasant."
"You don't think they're a little busy or something? I'm having doubts."
"On the contrary, I think your boots are very stylish and delightful," I
said, remembering how she tried to steal Rita's boyfriend at a party once.
Once in the throes of PMS I had to go to a crucial meeting that would
determine my entire future. I had to look great.
I surveyed the contents of my closet and burst into tears.
"I have nothing to wear!" I wailed. "Everying I own is too boring,
boring, boring!"
Then I ransacked my drawers until I came upon this utterly charming,
tomato-red sweater shoved behind some old bathing suits.
"Why, you cute thing," I said to the sweater. "I wonder why I buried
you." Then, looking behind some boxes in a closet, I happened upon a
magenta skirt.
"What a chic idea," I decided.
I went through my tights and in a trice found a lovely burgundy-hued
pair. A cerise jacket and scarlet shoes completed my ensemble.
"I am a symphony of reds," I sang to myself as I left the house.
Luckily a security guard stopped me on my way to the meeting.
"You're kidding about the outfit, right?" he asked.
"Out of my way, little man," I commanded. "You just don't understand
innovations of style."
"I understand that you look just like my wife does right before she gets
her period," he said. "`Joe,' my wife says, `you ever catch me trying to
leave the house like this, lock me in a closet.'"
"You think a bright green dress instead?" I asked him.
"Do yourself a favor, go home and put on a navy suit," he said.
So I did and so here are the PMS rules. Neglect them at your own peril:
1. Mark of on your calendar the day you will become insane. When that
day arrives, you are officially on PMS-Watch. Call a nonpremenstrual
friend to make decisions for you, even what to have for breakfast, because
if she doesn't, you'll have Ring Dings and Valium.
2. When you're not premenstrual, assemble a tasteful outfit for
meetings-that-could-change-your-life. Make sure this ensemble hangs in
the designated PMS area of your closet. Make sure you wear it.
3. One week before your period, give all your credit cards to a close
friend. Tell her to lock them up until your third day of menstruation.
By then the desire for hideous boots has flown.
4. Keep away from guns, knives, and epaulets.
Thanks for looking!
Now, please go back to the archives...