Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1999 08:17:00 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  piercings QOTD

  On seeing a girl with a pierced tongue, he thought, "Just like
Microsoft. Can't do the job right, so throw hardware at it."

Date: Tue, 5 Oct 1999 10:04:16 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Recent Quotes From A Comedy Festival In Canada - Not Always PC

"I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese guy and a black 
guy.   I took a picture and sent it to Benetton. You never know."
	Franck Dubosc

"I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms."
	Gary Valentine

(On the difference between men and women:) "On the one hand, we'll never
experience childbirth.  On the other hand, we can open all our own jars."
	Jeff Green

"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on Me.
And let there be lawyers. so people don't blame everything on Satan.'"
	John Wing

"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?  'Hold my
purse.'"
	Francois Morency

"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted
sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there.  Type
in, 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire,' and the
computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'"
	Rich Jeni

"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."
	Tim Steeves

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
	Jimmy Shubert

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane:  Either
you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."
	Rich Jeni

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex -- no matter what she's reading."
	Emo Philips

"What's with squeegee kids?  I mean, they don't really wash the windshield,
do they? They simply redistribute the dirt."
	Ken Scott

"Clinton lied.  A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he
never forgets (oral sex) no matter how bad it is."
	Lenny Clarke

"My cousin just died.  He was only 19.  He got stung by a bee -- the natural
enemy of a tightrope walker."
	Emo Philips

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.  I said, 'Thyroid
problem?'"
	Emo Philips

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
	Rich Jeni

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf
is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
	Ren Hicks

"Things you'll never hear a woman say:  'My, what an attractive scrotum!'"
	Jeff Green

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty.
Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing
quite well for themselves."
	Emo Philips

"My parents saw the president they loved get shot in the head.  I saw my
president get head."
	Elon Gold

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a
Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
	Kevin James

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
	Rich Jeni

Date: Wed, 6 Oct 1999 11:16:53 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  The Great Bar Competition

  An Irishman, an Italian, and a Pole are drinking in a neighborhood bar. 
They're having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

  Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar but where I come from, 
back in Dublin, there's a better one.  At MacDougal's, if you buy two 
drinks, MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

  Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from 
there's a better one.  Over in Brooklyn there's this place, Vinny's.  At 
Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink.  You buy anudda drink, 
Vinny buys you anudda drink."

  Then the Polish guy speaks up, "You think that's great?  Where I come
from, there's this place called Warshowski's.  At Warshowski's, they buy
you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your
third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

  "Wow!" say the others.  "That's fantastic!  That actually happened to
you?"

  "Well, no," replies the Polish guy, "but it did happen to my sister!"

Date: Thu, 7 Oct 1999 08:19:39 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  The Quote Of A Lifetime

"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer.  But imprisonment turns
the state into a gay dungeon-master." - Emo Philips

Date: Fri, 8 Oct 1999 11:11:04 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  From da mush

Quote from an unnamed internal MUSH:

"Canada could have had French passion, British civility, and American
knowhow. Instead they got British passion, French knowhow, and American
civility."

Date: Mon, 11 Oct 1999 11:29:26 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Exact change

  A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, a 
small cat jumps up on the stool beside him. The bartender comes over,
and asks for their order.  The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to
the ostrich.  What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich. The 
cat says "I'll have a half beer, but I'm not paying for it." The bartender
pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches
into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

  The next day, the man, ostrich and cat come again, and the man says
"I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same", and the cat
says "I'll have a half glass of beer but I'm not paying for it".

  Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. 
This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the trio enter again. "The
usual?" asks the bartender. "Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a
large scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "I'll have a 
small scotch but I'm not paying for it" says the cat. "That will be $7.20"
says the bartender.

  Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on
the bar. The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me sir. How do you manage to  always come up with the exact change
out of your pocket every time?"

  "Well," says the  man, "Several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes.  My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just
put my hand in my  pocket, and the right amount of money will always be
there."That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for
a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"

  "That's right!  Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there." says the man.

  The bartender asks "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich and
the cat?"

  The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs and a
tight pussy".

Date: Tue, 12 Oct 1999 11:10:43 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  halloween joke

  There's a man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a
Halloween party.  He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head
and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.

  A few days later he receives a parcel with a note.  "Dear Sir, please
find enclosed a pirate's outfit.  The spotted handkerchief will cover your
bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate".

  The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his
wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint.

  A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says,
"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a monk's habit.  The long robe will cover
your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part".

  Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his
wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company another
nasty letter of complaint.

  The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads, "Dear
Sir, please find enclosed a bottle of molasses.  Pour the molasses over
your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a Caramel 
Apple!"

Date: Wed, 13 Oct 1999 10:50:29 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  dating tips from bartenders

  Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's
personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they 
concurred on almost all counts.

The results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. She'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine  - (does not include white zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years...
Alzheimer's and term limits be damned.

Drink: White Zin
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no
clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...

Drink: Shots
Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk...and
naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint.  Nothing to do but wait.

Date: Thu, 14 Oct 1999 14:49:08 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Drake's Laws

I learned some of these as a soldier; apparently they apply to cops too.

:)

-----------------------

            Drake's Laws of Law Enforcement

 1.  Bullet Proof vests aren't.

 2. The bigger they are, the harder they fall. They also punch, kick and 
choke harder too.

 3. The speed at which you respond to a fight call is inversely 
proportional to how long you've been a cop.

 4. Tear gas works on cops too, and regardless of wind direction, will 
always blow back in your face.

 5. High speed chases will always proceed from an area of light traffic to
an area of extremely heavy traffic.

 6. If you know someone who tortures animals and wets the bed, he is 
either a serial killer or he works for Internal Affairs.

 7. Placing a gun back in a shoulder holster with your finger on the 
trigger will cause you to walk with a limp.

 8. Flash hiders don't really.

 9. If you have cleared all the rooms and met no resistance, you and your
entry team have probably kicked in the door of the wrong house.

 10. If a cop swings a baton in a fight, he will hit other cops more often
than he will hit the bad guys he swings at.

 11. Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of few available
weapons (living room), to an area with many available weapons (kitchen).

 12. If you have just punched out a handcuffed prisoner for spitting at 
you, you are about to become a star on Eyewitness News.

 13. Bullets work on veteran cops too. They also work on weight lifters,
martial arts experts, department marksmen, Vice cops, S.W.A.T. jocks, and
others who consider themselves immortal.

 14. When a civilian sees a blue light approaching at a high rate of 
speed, he will always pull into the lane the cop needs to use.

 15. If you drive your patrol car to the geometric center of the Gobi 
Desert, within five minutes a dumb-ass civilian will pull along side you
and ask for directions.

 16. You can never drive slow enough to please the citizens who don't need
a cop, and you can never drive fast enough to please the ones who do.

 17. Any suspect with a rifle is a better shot than any cop with a pistol.

 18. From behind you, the bad guys can see your night sights as well as 
you can.

 19. On any call, there will always be more bad guys than there are good
guys, and the farther away you back-up, the more there will be.

 20. The longer you've been a cop, the shorter your flashlight and your 
temper gets.

 21. Whatever you are about to do, if there is a good chance it will get 
you killed, you probably shouldn't do it.

 22. You should never do a shotgun search of a dark warehouse with a cop 
whose nickname is Boomer.

 23. The better you do your job, the more likely you are to be shot, 
injured, complained on, sued, investigated, or subpoenaed on your day off.

 24. If a large group of drunk bikers is holed-up in a house, the 
Department will send one officer in a beat car. If there is one biker 
holed-up in a house, they will send the entire S.W.A.T. Team.

Date: Fri, 15 Oct 1999 10:54:06 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  more one liners 

1. I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb
... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
	-Dolly Parton-

2. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a
smart woman with a dumb guy.
	-Erica Jong-

3. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told
me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that
feels good for 36 hours.
	-Rita Rudner-

4. My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't
decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
	-Rita Rudner-

5. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
	-Wendy Liebman- 

6. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
	-Erma Bombeck- 

7. If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
	-Sue Grafton-

8. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
	-Roseanne Barr- 

9. I think - therefore I'm single.
	-Lizz Winstead-
 
10. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade
another country.
	-Elayne Boosler-

11. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
	-Maryon Pearson-

12. I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
	-Gilda Radner-

13. In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything
done, ask a woman.
	-Margaret Thatcher-

14. I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a
career.
	-Gloria Steinhem- 

15. Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
	-Gloria Steinhem- 

16. I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home
which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every
morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late
at night.
	-Marie Corelli- 

17. Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.
	-Baroness Edith Summerskill-

18. If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?  How
intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck.
	-Linda Ellerbee-

19. I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
	-Zsa Zsa Gabor-

Date: Mon, 18 Oct 1999 10:37:35 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  airplane ride

  Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year.  

  Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there
airplane." 
 
  And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride
costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." 
 
  This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said,
"Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may
never get another chance. " 
 
  Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and
ten dollars is ten dollars." 
 
  The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll
take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and
not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten
dollars." 
 
  Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go.  

  The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a
word is heard.  
 
  He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. 
 
  They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I
could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." 
 
  Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out,
but ten dollars is ten dollars."

Date: Tue, 19 Oct 1999 16:45:37 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  making babies

  One day a five year old little girl excitedly approached her mother, and
announced that she had learned where babies come from. The mother was
amused and said "Oh really sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?"
  The little girl then explained, "Well...the mommy and daddy take off all
of their clothes, and the daddy's wiener stands way up high, and the mommy
kneels on the floor and puts the daddy's wiener in her mouth, and then the 
daddy's wiener sort of explodes and makes sticky juice into the mommy's
mouth, and then the mommy swallows the sticky juice, and that's where
babies come from."
  The mother looked lovingly at her daughter, leaned over to meet her eye
to eye and said, "Oh honey, that's sweet, but that's not where babies come
from. ...That's where jewelry comes from."

Date: Wed, 20 Oct 1999 11:30:45 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  mule disposal

  A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a
dead mule (jackass to the knowing) in the church yard. He called the
police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police
referred the preacher to the health department.

  They said since there was no health threat that he should call the
sanitation department. The sanitation manager said he could not pick up
the mule without authorization from the mayor.

  Now, the preacher knew the mayor, and was not to eager to call him. The
mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the
preacher called him anyway.

  The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at
the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your
job to bury the dead?"

  The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his
response.  He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead,
but I always like to notify the next of kin first."

Date: Thu, 21 Oct 1999 13:50:07 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  teeth

  Grandpa and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the
beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days," when Grandma
turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started
dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?" Grandpa 
looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.

  With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do
you remember how after we were engaged, you'd sometimes lean over and
suddenly kiss me on the cheek?" Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and
gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.

  Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after
we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?" Grandpa slowly got
up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said,
"Honey, where are you going?"

  Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"

Date: Fri, 22 Oct 1999 10:39:20 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  legs

    It had been 4 hard, grueling years of computer science courses for
John, but the end was in sight, with only one more semester before
graduation.  However, he realized he still needed one more general science
class to fulfill his graduation requirements. Rushing to register, he
found the only course still available was on "Birds and their habitats".
Reluctantly, John signed up.

    Like many elective courses at the university, the class was large, and
generally taught by one of the professor's assistants. As the semester
continued, the work load increased, and he found himself spending more and
more time studying birds.  To make matters worst, the professor offered
only one test at the end of the semester to determine each students grade
- It was all-or-nothing. Two weeks prior to the final, John began cramming
and re-reading the class books and his notes.  As he walked in to the exam
room, he was confident that he would not only pass but would fly through
the test with little effort.

    As John began the final, he discovered that each question centered
around a picture of... a pair of bird legs.  He was to identify each bird
by its legs, and then answer the corresponding question.  He could not
believe it - he had studied so hard, and it all came down to his ability
to identify birds by their LEGS? He answered best he could, but after
struggling with the test for over an hour, John marched down to the front
where the professor of the class was standing and slammed the test down
into the pile of other exam books.  "This is the sorriest class and you
are the worst professor on this campus."  

    As he started out the door the shocked professor yelled back, "What is
your name, young man?"

    John turned, pulled up his pants legs, held his bare leg in the air,
and replied, "You're so smart, you figure it out!"

Date: Mon, 25 Oct 1999 12:02:47 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  the Pope

  The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom
could not figure out how to cure him.  Finally he was brought to an old
physician. After about an hour's examination he came out and told the
cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news.  The bad news was
that the pope had a rare disorder of the testicles.  The good news was
that all that the Pope had to do to be cured, was to have sex.

  Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at
length. Finally they went to the pope with the doctor and explained the
situation. After some thought, the Pope stated, "I agree, but under four
conditions."  The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar.
Over the noise a single voice asked, "And what are the four conditions?"

  The room stilled.  There was a long pause....

  The Pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see
with whom she is having sex."

  "Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is
having sex."

  "And third, she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out with
whom she is having sex, she can tell no one."

  After another long pause a voice arose and asked, "And the
fourth condition?"

  The Pope replied, "Big tits."

Date: Tue, 26 Oct 1999 17:48:44 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Irish and drinking joke

  A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of
drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll
give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of
Guinness back-to-back."

  The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even
leaves.

  Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows up and taps the
Texan on the shoulder.  "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

  The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of
Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses,
drinking them all back-to-back.

  The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan
gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where
did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

  The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the
street first, to see if I could do it."

Date: Wed, 27 Oct 1999 13:46:28 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  fortune

My fortune cookie from lunch today: 

"You will attend a party where strange customs prevail."

I am not joking - I have the paper... this is funnier than the message I
had for today...

Date: Thu, 28 Oct 1999 11:08:40 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  VD?

  A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van (you
know, shag carpets, big double mattress in the back... all that) when
suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy,
whip me, whip me!"  The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique
opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of 
inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and
proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sado-masochistic
ecstasy.  About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the
whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks "Did you get these marks
having sex?" The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she
did.  Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so,
because in all my years of doctoring............

...you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've
ever seen."

Date: Fri, 29 Oct 1999 10:39:01 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

2 close competitors; so, since it's Friday, you get both...

-------------

QOTD: "It takes a village to raise a child, but it takes a B-52 to raze a
village."

-------------

QOTD: "If you need to point-and-click to administer a machine, you have no
business administering a machine."