September 2000...
Date: Fri, 1 Sep 2000 07:38:26 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: DAILY AFFIRMATIONS FOR THE UNSTABLE
DAILY AFFIRMATIONS FOR THE UNSTABLE
I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of
course, I want to stay employed.
A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner
Sociopath.
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of
suspicion and paranoia.
Today, I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no
sweeter words than "I told you so."
I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and
complain.
As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me
in many ways to keep me quiet.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are
someone else's fault.
I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no
personality at all.
Joan of Arc heard voices too.
When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not
nearly as gratifying.
The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do
nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching
TV.? Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute..... I'll
find someone.
Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it
worrying about the future?
I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh
at.
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from
them.
"This Universe never did make sense; I suspect that it was built on
government contract." -- Heinlein
Date: Tue, 4 Sep 2000 07:38:26 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: hospital humor
Marvin was in the hospital. He was an old man. Anyway there was this
young nurse. Everytime she came in, she talked to him like a little
child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice "And how are we doing
this morning?!"
He had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the tray, and put it
on his stand. He had been given a Urine Bottle to fill. The juice was
apple juice. You know where the juice went. The nurse came in and picked
up the urine bottle. She looks at it. "It seems we are a little cloudy
today..."
At this, he snatched the bottle out of her hand, pops off the top, and
chugs it, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again, and maybe I can filter
it better this time."
Date: Wed, 6 Sep 2000 10:17:19 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: mothers
· My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going to
kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
· My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of
the carpet."
· My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm
going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
· My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."
· My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in
case you're in an accident."
· My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep crying and I'll *give* you something
to cry about."
· My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and
eat your supper!"
· My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM - "Will you *look* at the dirt
on the back of your neck!"
· My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'til all that
spinach is finished."
· My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado swept
through your room."
· My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled because
I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"
· My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told
you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"
· My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - "I brought you into this world,
and I can take you out."
· My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop acting like your
father!"
· My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate
children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
Date: Thu, 7 Sep 2000 11:29:45 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: coupla quickies
"We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front
lines. They don't know if we can fight or if we can kill. I think we
can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see
the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.' "
-- Elayne Boosler
-------------------------------------------------------
"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten."
-- George Carlin
Date: Fri, 8 Sep 2000 11:26:41 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: a theoretical look at dogma
Kissing Hank's Ass
A parable by Rev. Jim Huber.
This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I
found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:
John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."
Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."
Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I
want to kiss His ass?"
John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, He'll give you a million dollars; and if
you don't, He'll kick the shit out of you."
Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"
John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank
owns this town. He can do whatever he wants, and what He wants is to give
you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss his ass."
Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."
Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million
dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"
Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."
John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."
Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"
Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."
Me: "And has He given you a million dollars?"
John: "Well no, you don't actually get the money until you leave town."
Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"
Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the
money, and He kicks the shit out of you."
Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the
million dollars?"
John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and
I'm sure she got the money."
Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"
John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."
Me: "So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if you've
never talked to anyone who got the money?"
Mary: "Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get
a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty
dollar bill on the street."
Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"
John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"
Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."
John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And
remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass He'll kick the shit out of you."
Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from
him..."
Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."
Me: "Then how do you kiss His ass?"
John: "Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His ass. Other
times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."
Me: "Who's Karl?"
Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing
Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."
Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that
Hank wanted you to kiss His ass, and that Hank would reward you?"
John: "Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the
whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."
---
From the desk of Karl:
1. Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave
town.
2. Drink only in moderation.
3. Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.
4. Eat right.
5. Hank dictated this list Himself.
6. The moon is made of green cheese.
7. Everything Hank says is right.
8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
9. Don't use alcohol.
10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11. Kiss Hank's ass or He'll kick the shit out of you.
---
Me: "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."
Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."
Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's
handwriting."
John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."
Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"
Mary: "Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people."
Me: "I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of
philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're
different?"
Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."
Me: "How do you figure that?"
Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for
me!"
Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."
John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides,
item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item
8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those
things are right, so the rest must be true, too."
Me: "But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2,
and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."
John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As
far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."
Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of
rock..."
Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of
space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."
Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was
somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted Besides, not knowing
where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."
John: "Aha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know
Hank is always right!"
Me: "We do?"
Mary: "Of course we do, Item 5 says so."
Me: "You're saying that Hank's always right because the list says so, the
list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it
because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying
'Hank's right because He says He's right.'"
John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around
to Hank's way of thinking."
Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"
Mary: She blushes.
John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is
wrong."
Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"
John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."
Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"
Mary: She looks positively stricken.
John: He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any
kind are wrong!"
Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would
be out of the question?"
Mary: Sticks her fingers in her ears."I am not listening to this. La la
la, la la, la la la."
John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat
that..."
Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."
Mary: She faints.
John: He catches Mary. "Well, if I'd known you where one of those I
wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I'll be
there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you
bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."
With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.
Date: Mon, 11 Sep 2000 14:11:26 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Thought For The Day
Will a shallow person drown in a wading pool?
Date: Tue, 12 Sep 2000 10:16:03 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: appropriate humor for the times... :)
Larry Bird dies and goes to Heaven. St. Peter meets him at the gate and
is starting to take him to where he will live for eternity, but Bird says,
"If it's all the same, I'd rather you took me to the big basketball game
they must have going up here."
St. Peter smiles and takes him to this huge gym. Inside, there is this
all-stars only basketball game going on. Bird's mouth drops open as he
recognises guys he admired as a kid all out on the court having a great
time playing. There's this one guy over to the side, though, throwing
chairs and cussing at players and kicking and stompimg and making a
complete ass of himself. This guy is wearing a red sweater with the
letters "B K" on the front.
"Hey," Bird says finally. "I recognise all those other guys, but who's
that?"
"That's God. He thinks he's Bobby Knight."
Date: Wed, 13 Sep 2000 11:22:42 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: honeymooning
Lena and Sven got married in St. Paul. They planned to honeymoon in
Lena's aunt's cabin in Duluth. They caught a bus that was filled with
deer hunters. About 30 minutes out of St. Paul the bus broke down
right next to a nice hotel. Sven said to Lena, "Lena, there's a
comfortable hotel right here. How about consummating our marriage?"
Lena replied, "No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth." The
repaired bus took off. Fifty miles down the road, it broke down
again. This time it was next to a good looking motel. Sven turned to
Lena and asked, "Look Lena. There's a nice motel. Can ve consummate
our marriage?"
Lena said, "No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth." The bus was
repaired and off they went. Ten miles down the road, the bus broke
down. This time they were our in the woods. However, there was a
little clearing out of the sight of the bus. Lena turned to Sven, "I
tink ve should go back into the voods and do it."
Later when they returned the bus, Sven asked Lena, "Earlier ve vere
next to a nice hotel and you said "No". Then, ve vere by a motel and
you said "No". But, here ve vent out into the grassy voods and did
it. Why?" Lena said, "I vas listening to the hunters. They said if
the bus broke down again, the f*%king season vould be over."
Date: Thu, 14 Sep 2000 11:02:46 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: definition of the day
Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!
Date: Fri, 15 Sep 2000 10:08:14 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: it is all how you look at it...
The psychiatrist was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a
patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece
of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the
room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet. The doctor asked his patient
what he was doing, sitting on the floor. The patient replied in an
irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling
doing?" "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a
light bulb." The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you
should get him down from there before he hurts himself?" "What? And work
in the dark?"
Date: Mon, 18 Sep 2000 10:13:11 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: The Olympic Story
Note to list inhabitants: I am flying to England later today, and there
will therefore be no humor messages on Tuesday and Wednesday - Thursday is
an unknown at this time. Thank you for your attention, and now we return
you back to your regularly scheduled daily dose of humor...
-----
A man is out shopping and spots a new brand: Olympic condoms. He
immediately buys a pack. At home he enthusiastically announces to his wife
the purchase of the day.
"Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily.
"Gold, of course", says the man proudly.
The wife responds quickly, "Why don't you wear Silver. It would be nice
if you came in second for a change!"
Date: Fri, 22 Sep 2000 09:23:21 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Dogs
HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB...
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young. We've got our whole
lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out
lightbulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
German Shepherd: I'll guard the lightbulb while you decide. Back off!
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid light!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By
the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Leave it for the servants.
Lab: Oh, me, ME!!! Pleeeeeeze let ME change the bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh?
Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
CHOW CHOW: I'm with the malamute. After I take my nap that is!
AKITA: I'm with the chow and malamute! What's for dinner?
Jack Russell Terrier OR Wire-haired Fox Terrier: I can reach it! I just
KNOW I can reach it! Another twenty jumps, and it's mine, ALL mine!!
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Kelpie: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, rrrrriiiiiiight there.
Date: Mon, 25 Sep 2000 13:35:34 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: geek QOTD
From OpenBSD's list of improvements to 2.7:
"Start sendmail(8) even more carefully in /etc/rc, to avoid whining. "
Date: Tue, 26 Sep 2000 10:48:36 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: what is that thing, anyway?
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by
almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that
could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never
having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like
this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father
were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the
moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled
between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of
lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the
circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a
beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
Date: Wed, 27 Sep 2000 10:01:55 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: the reason for so many outages...
"For competitive reasons we can't tell you the location of our fiber."
- An anonymous representative of a very large telco
Date: Thu, 28 Sep 2000 10:49:00 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: OK, guys, you were looking for an excuse...
Ogling over women's breasts is good for a man's health and can add years
to his life, medical experts have discovered. According to the New
England Journal of Medicine, "Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of
a well-endowed female is roughly equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics
work-out," declared gerontologist Dr. Karen Weatherby. Dr. Weatherby and
fellow researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt, Germany, reached the
startling conclusion after comparing the health of 200 male outpatients
half of whom were instructed to look at busty females daily, the other
half told to refrain from doing so.
The study revealed that after five years, the chest-watchers had lower
blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and fewer instances of coronary
artery disease. "Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves
blood circulation," explains Dr. Weatherby.
"There is no question: Gazing at breasts makes men healthier." "Our
study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts
the risk of stroke and heart attack in half. We believe that by doing so
consistently, the average man can extend his life four to five years."
Date: Fri, 29 Sep 2000 09:46:34 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Holiday humor for families
An elderly Jewish man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I
hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are
divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man
says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so
you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell
they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls Miami immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT,
I repeat you are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get
there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.
Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wife. "Okay," he
says, "they'll be here for Rosh Hashana. Now how do we get them here for
Passover?"
Thanks for looking!
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