Date: Tue, 4 Sep 2001 09:03:22 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

from M*A*S*H:

Maj. Burns: "I won't let you down, sir."
Col. Potter: "There's no way you can."

Date: Wed, 5 Sep 2001 09:25:29 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Irritating Norse Myths?

Every day, it seems, one of your friends is forwarding another of those
irritating Norse myths to your inbox. How can you tell which stories are
true, and which are traditional tales once used by the Nordic people to
explain practices, beliefs, or natural phenomena? The Norse Legends
Reference Pages are dedicated to separating faktum from fiksjon, and
getting the straight dope from the mouths of people who know.

 - - - -

MYTH #1: In Valhalla, the valkyries served mead, which poured in unending
quantities from Odin's goat, Heidrun. They also served the warriors meat
from the boar Saehrimnir, which the cook Andhrimnir would prepare by
boiling it in the cauldron Eldhrimnir. The boar magically came back to
life to be eaten again at the next meal.

FACT: "Oh wow, I'd forgotten about that," laughs former valkyrie
Hldissfrigg. "Some of the so-called 'warriors' were actually getting
squeamish about Andhrimner slaughtering a pig every night - the squealing
was really loud, I'll admit - so Odin came up with this tall one about an
immortal 'magic boar,' and half those moron grunts totally bought it. I
mean the pigs didn't even look the same: one would have a big black spot,
the next a little white one, or maybe he'd be pink instead of brown. It
cracked us valkyries up. I mean, if your boar was, in fact, magical - like
maybe he could fly or pull a boat large enough to carry all the gods -
would you really want to butcher, boil, and eat him over and over?
Eventually you're gonna have a pissed-off magic hog all up in your face."

 - - - -

MYTH #2: The son of Odin and a member of the Aesir, Thor was the god of
thunder and the main enemy of the giants. He would smash their heads with
his mighty hammer Mjollnir. To wield this awesome weapon he needed iron
gloves and a belt of strength. Mjollnir would return to Thor's hand after
being thrown and was symbolic of lightning.

FACT: According to Heindall, who used to watch the Rainbow Bridge for the
coming of the Frost Giants: "Well, his hammer was supposed to return to
his hand after it was thrown, but that particular feature never really
worked properly, and Thor wasted a lot of prime giant-killing time chasing
the stupid thing up and down Middle Earth. I've heard some of the
old-timers say Thor could have smashed the heads of about 30 or 40 more
giants, lifetime, if he only had a hammer with a decent return mechanism.
I also asked him once about Mjollnir being symbolic of lightning and he
rolled his eyes. 'I had a college girl tell me she did her thesis on how
it was supposed to be some kind of penis,' he said. 'Sometimes a hammer is
just a frigging hammer.'"

 - - - -

MYTH #3: Son of the giantess Rind, Valli was born for the sole purpose of
avenging Balder's death, since the gods could not kill one of their own.
When he was only one day old, he killed Hodur. He will be one of the seven
Aesir to survive the Ragnarok.

FACT: "One day old? Are you shitting me? Who told you that?" asks Tyr,
ex-god of war and the inspiration for Tuesday. "God, that's hysterical. I
mean, Hodur was blind, and maybe not the ripest grape on the vine, but he
was Odin's kid. I'm pretty sure he could have fended off a newborn baby.
Anyway, Valli'd been out of junior college for at least six years when he
killed Hodur. He dropped out, but he blew off one summer on a Eurorail
pass, and waited tables down in Cabo for a while. He had to have been at
least 23 or 24. Geez. One day old? That's rich. When Loki hears that,
he'll piss his pants."

 - - - -

MYTH #4: Hljod and Volsung had ten sons, the eldest named Sigmund, and one
daughter named Signy. Volsung had a palace built around the tree called
Branstock so that the massive trunk grew inside the palace walls. At
Signy's wedding banquet, Odin arrived in his usual disguise - as an
elderly man wearing a cape and hood. He stuck a sword in the tree and said
whichever man pulled out the sword could keep it. All tried but only
Sigmund prevailed.

FACT: "In the first place, everyone knew it was Odin," says Njord, a guest
at the banquet who, at the time, was god of the wind and sea. "He was
always walking around in these disguises, but it was so obvious, even when
he wore a wig and tried to cover up that gnarly empty socket. I mean, a
crazy old man with one eye crashes your wedding and wants to show you a
sword trick? - who else is it going to be? Anyway, Odin was all like
'Whosoever can pull this broadsword from the tree Branstock, may possess
it!' but he was so weak he could barely shove it in there and the crappy
old thing fell out by itself at least a half-dozen times. The blade was
all rusted out and no one wanted it, so Sigmund said to me, 'I'll pull the
dumb sword out and make Odin happy if you catch the garter. I hate all
this wedding crap.'"

 - - - -

MYTH #5: After Sigmund went into hiding, Signy exchanged shapes with a
beautiful sorceress and went to her brother. The two slept together and
Signy later had Sigmund's son, Sinfjotli.

FACT: According to Signy, "For the last time, I DID NOT SLEEP WITH MY
BROTHER! Gross! But even if I wanted to, I wouldn't need to exchange
shapes with any skank sorceress to do it. Sigmund was always trying to
get me in bed. Lots of brothers and sisters were doing it back then
because they thought the Ragnarok was coming, but I told him to go to Hel,
so he keeps spreading this story that we knocked boots and he knows I
won't defend myself and reveal the name of Sinfjotli's real father because
the guy's married and weighing a run for county assessor. Sigmund is such
a cock."

Date: Thu, 6 Sep 2001 08:52:22 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  what is in a name?

  An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after
eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two
elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a
new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very
highly."

  The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

  The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of
that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that is red
and has thorns."

  "Do you mean a rose?"

  "Yes," the man said. He turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose,
what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Date: Fri, 7 Sep 2001 08:55:32 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  taxi driver

  A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a
question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus,
went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a
second, everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look
mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

  The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap
could scare him so much.

  The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my
first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a hearse for the last 25
years."

Date: Mon, 10 Sep 2001 08:32:35 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  BSOTD

Bumper Sticker of the Day:

"When blondes have more fun, do they know it?"

11Sep01.

Date: Wed, 12 Sep 2001 09:05:57 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  A new "disorder" has been classified...

  I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD - Age Activated Attention
Deficit Disorder.

  This is how it goes... I decide to do work on the car, start to the
garage and notice the mail on the table. OK, I'm going to work on the
car... BUT FIRST I'm going to go through the mail. Lay car keys down on
desk. After discarding the junk mail, I notice the trash can is full. OK,
I'll just put the bills on my desk.... BUT FIRST I'll take the trash out,
but since I'm going to be near the mailbox, I'll address a few bills....
Yes, Now where is the checkbook? Oops.. there's only one check left. Where
did I put the extra checks? Oh, there is my empty plastic cup from last
night on my desk. I'm going to look for those checks... BUT FIRST I need
to put the cup back in the kitchen.
  I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice the flowers need a
drink of water, I put the cup on the counter and there's my extra pair of
glasses on the kitchen counter. What are they doing here? I'll just put
them away... BUT FIRST I need to water those plants. I head for the door
and... Aaaagh! someone left the TV remote on the wrong spot. Okay, I'll
put the remote away and water the plants... BUT FIRST I need to find those
checks.
  END OF DAY: Oil in car not changed, bills still unpaid, cup still in the
sink, checkbook still has only one check left, lost my car keys, .. And,
when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled
because...I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY! I realize this condition is
serious... I'd get help... BUT FIRST...I think I'll check my e-mail...

Date: Thu, 13 Sep 2001 09:13:54 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  alright already...

  One night Bob takes his girlfriend, Ann, home.  As they are about to
kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an
air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling,
he says  to her: "Darling, would you give me a blow job?"

Horrified, she replies: "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

Bob: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

Ann: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

Bob: "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

Ann: "No way. It's just too risky!"

Bob: (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"

Ann: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

Bob: "Oh yes you can. Please?"

Ann: "No, no. I just can't!"

Bob: "I beg you ... "

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and Ann's sister shows
up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad
says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be,
mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake tell him
to take his hand off the intercom..."

Date: Mon, 17 Sep 2001 16:48:43 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  circuit is back up

...my ISP's DSL stuff routed through lower Manhattan... but anyway, here
we go:

-----

Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix.  Everyone knows power
tools aren't soluble in alcohol ...
                -- Crazy Nigel

Date: Tue, 18 Sep 2001 08:56:07 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  a thought...

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow
in Australia."
- Charles Schulz

Date: Wed, 19 Sep 2001 09:44:34 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  .sig OTD

Faith Based Drug Treatment:
      Replacing heroin with the opiate of the masses

Date: Thu, 20 Sep 2001 12:48:08 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  You know alliances have gotten weird when...

  On his Web site, Rush Limbaugh says Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson were
wrong; "their words were indefensible".

Date: Fri, 21 Sep 2001 08:39:29 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  brokerage advice

  If you bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be
worth $49.

  If you bought $1000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one
year ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the bottles for the nickel
deposit, you would have $79.

  My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.

Date: Mon, 24 Sep 2001 08:51:03 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  a question of style

  Two guys were car pooling home from work one day.

  Traffic was crawling along and they were both a bit bored.  The driver
was looking around and suddenly pointed at two dogs having sex in
someone's front lawn.  "Look,"  he shouted, "what are the those dogs
doing?  Fighting?"

  The passenger, being a man of the world, replied,  "They're having sex.
Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before." The
driver, a bit embarrassed, admitted that he never had. His passenger said,
"You have to try it.  It's pretty cool.  Here's what you do.  Tonight when
you get home, fix your wife a margarita and then suggest that you want to
try this new sexual position."

  The driver thought a bit, then decided he would give it a try.

  The next morning, the two commuters were back in the car and the
passenger asked,  "Well.  How did it go?"  The driver replied,  "It was
great.  But it took me SIX margaritas just to get her naked in the front
yard!"

Date: Tue, 25 Sep 2001 09:43:44 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  bacon and eggs

  A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a
quart of milk, a carton of eggs,juice, and a package of bacon.  As she was
unloading her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a drunk standing
behind her, watched as she placed her items in front of the cashier.

  He said, "You must be single."

  The woman, a bit startled, looked at the four items on the belt, and,
seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections, said:

  "Well, y'know, that's right. But how on earth did you know that?

  The drunk said, "Cause you're uglier 'n shit."

Date: Wed, 26 Sep 2001 08:43:43 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  confessions

  This fellow comes to confession. "Father, he said, forgive me for I have
sinned."

  The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"

  "I lusted," the fellow replied.

  "Tell me about it," the priest said.

  The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS.
Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city.
When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful
woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds.
She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure.
And, she asked if I would like to come in."

  "And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.

  "Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted,"
replied the man.

  "Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get your
reward in heaven, my son."

  "A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?" the fellow
asked.

  The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you
jackass."

Date: Thu, 27 Sep 2001 08:32:43 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Today's quote from the NY Times

"'Please come home. It will be safer for you in Lebanon than in Pullman.'"

-HISHAM TAHA, a Washington State freshman from Beirut, quoting his mother,
who fears anti-Arab violence.

Date: Fri, 28 Sep 2001 08:37:34 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  identifying engineers

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.