Date: Mon, 2 Sep 2002 07:45:31 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: aviation joke collection

  When one engine fails on a twin engine airplane you always have enough
power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

  Blue sea Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than there are
submarines in the sky.

  Never trade luck for skill.

  The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation
are, "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?", and "Ooh Shit!"

  Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.

  Progress in airline flying: Now a flight attendant can get a pilot
pregnant.

  Airspeed, altitude or brains: two are always needed to successfully
complete the flight.

  A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a
row is prevarication.

  I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.

  AV truism: Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one
up there!

  If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.

  Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the
purpose of storing dead batteries.

  Navy carrier pilots to Air Force pilots: Flaring is like squatting to
pee.

  Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a
person on the ground incapable of understanding it or doing anything about
it.

  When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.

  Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be
held on a sunny day.

  Advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II.  When a prang (crash) seems
inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the
vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.

  The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely
kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)

  A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its
maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)

  If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the
crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic pilot)

  If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the
bastard down.  (Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)

  Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I am
at 80,000 Feet and Climbing (sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating
location Kadena, Japan).

  You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.  (Paul F.
Crickmore - test pilot)

  Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.

  There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime (sign over
squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).

  The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a
good bowel movement.  The night carrier landing is one of the few
opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same
time.  (Author unknown, but someone who's been there)

  "Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV."  (A DC-9 captain trainee
attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit' of an A-320).

  What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?  If a
pilot screws up, the pilot dies.  If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

  Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.

  If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

  You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full
power to taxi to the terminal.

  And the Basic Flying Rules:

  1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
  2. Do not go near the edges of it.
  3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground,
buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.  It is much more difficult to fly there.

Date: Tue, 3 Sep 2002 09:25:33 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: QOTD

"Darling: the popular form of address used in speaking to a member of the
opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment remember."
-- Oliver Herford

Date: Wed, 4 Sep 2002 22:43:42 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: job description

"By all means marry. If you get a good wife you will become happy, and if
you get a bad one you will become a philosopher."
      -- Socrates

Date: Thu, 5 Sep 2002 08:43:32 -0400 (EDT)
From: Bill Bauer 
To: humor@thalia.org
Subject: escalation...

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach,
green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long
and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent
double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
AndMan said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure
that man found so fair.

And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and
brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained
pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And Satan brought forth creamy
dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese. And there was ice cream for
dessert. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil
with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own
platter. And Man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the
roof.

And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra
pounds. And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would
not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and EPSN2. And Man gained
pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil. " And God brought forth
the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into
chips and deep fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery...

And Satan created HMOs...

Date: Fri, 6 Sep 2002 08:06:22 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: Seen as a .sig

"There are only 10 kinds of people in the world --
   Those who understand binary, and those who don't."

Date: Mon, 9 Sep 2002 06:44:01 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: QOTD

"Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a proverb is no
proverb to you till your life has illustrated it."
-- John Keats

Date: Tue, 10 Sep 2002 09:11:03 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: more questions of life

  Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?

  Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp which no decent human being would eat?

  Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

  If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

  Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car pool lane?

  If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut,
why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

  Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

  Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are
going to look up there anyway?

  Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
both dogs!

  What do you call male ballerinas?

  Why ARE Trix only for kids?

  If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't
he just buy dinner?

  Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

  If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

  If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

  Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet
paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

  If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

  Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

  Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
tune?

  Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

  Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but
call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

  Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the
window?

Date: Wed, 11 Sep 2002 09:23:26 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: QOTD

QOTD: Money isn't everything, but at least it keeps the kids in touch.

Date: Thu, 12 Sep 2002 10:10:43 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: QOTD

"The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it is
your move." -- Frank Crane

Date: Fri, 13 Sep 2002 08:45:20 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: fortune OTD

He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.

Date: Mon, 16 Sep 2002 06:27:53 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: QOTD

"In the first place, God made idiots; this was for practice; then he made
school boards."
-- Mark Twain

Date: Tue, 17 Sep 2002 06:48:37 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: Well, it does make you think...

"I know the human being and fish can co-exist peacefully" (President Bush
actually said that in the final days of his 2000 campaign).

Date: Wed, 18 Sep 2002 06:31:15 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: good quote to know... 

  The new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one
house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to
his repeated knocks at the door. He took out a card, wrote "Revelation
3:20" on the back and stuck it in the door.

  When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his
card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis
3:10."

  Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales
of laughter.

  Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."

  Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid
for I was naked."

Date: Fri, 20 Sep 2002 10:23:27 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: QOTD

"Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not almost
one, it is damn near zero." -- David Ellis

Date: Mon, 23 Sep 2002 08:39:15 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: sign of the day

Outside a church near Mount Vernon Square, VA:

On the front of the main building was a banner that read: "Open Hearts,
Open Minds, Open Doors."

Right next to it, affixed to the wall of the church, was a sign that said:
"No Trespassing."

Date: Tue, 24 Sep 2002 07:13:08 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: mother-in-law

  George went on a vacation to the Middle East with his Family including
his mother-in-law. During their vacation in Jerusalem George's
Mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in his hand, George went to
the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back
to the United States for a proper burial.

  The Consul told George that to send the body back to the United States
for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost, him as much as
$5,000.00.   The Consul told him, in most cases the person responsible for
the remains normally decides to bury the body here in Jerusalem. This
would only cost him $150.00.

  George thinks for sometime and answers, "I don't care how much it will
cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."

  The Consul says "You must have loved your Mother-in-law very much
considering the difference in price."

  "No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many, many
years ago of a man that was buried here in Jerusalem.  On the third day he
arose from the dead!  I just can't take that chance!"

Date: Wed, 25 Sep 2002 06:52:16 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: QOTD

"I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was
healthy right up to the day he killed himself." -- Johnny Carson

Date: Thu, 26 Sep 2002 10:30:07 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: QOTD

Reporter: "How did you like school when you were growing up, Yogi?"
Yogi Berra: "Closed."

Date: Fri, 27 Sep 2002 09:43:08 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: Old QOTD

Robert Louis Stevenson defined marriage as "a sort of friendship
recognized by the police."

Date: Mon, 30 Sep 2002 08:32:34 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: QOTD

"Class, that's the only thing that counts in life. Class. Without class
and style, a man's a bum; he might as well be dead." -- "Bugsy" Siegel