Date: Tue, 2 Sep 2003 19:13:55 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I'm
beginning to believe it."
-- Clarence Darrow

Date: Thu, 4 Sep 2003 07:42:35 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  well, yes...

  Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new
Washington, DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a
deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a
jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

  He promptly called the US Senate for assistance. The conversation went
like this:

"Good morning. This is the Senator. How might I help you?"

  "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at Saint
Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so
kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

  The Senator, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a
smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took
care of last rites!"

  There was dead silence on the line for a moment.

  Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are
also obliged to notify the next of kin."

Date: Fri, 5 Sep 2003 08:08:11 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Top 10 Things I Hate about Star Trek

Top 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek

10.    Noisy doors.
    You can't walk three feet in a starship without some door whooshing or
screeching at you. My office building has automatic sliding doors. They're
dead silent. If those doors went "wheet!" every time a person walked
through them, about once a month some guy in accounting would snap and go
on a shooting rampage. Sorry Scotty, the IEEE has revoked your membership
until you learn to master WD-40.

9.    The Federation.
    This organization creeps me out. A planet-wide government that runs
everything, and that has abolished money. A veritable planetary DMV. Oh
sure, it looks like a cool place when you're rocketing around in a
Federation Starship, but I wonder how the guy driving a Federation dump
truck feels about it?

  And everyone has to wear those spandex uniforms. Here's an important
fact: Most people, you don't want to see them in spandex. You'd pay good
money to not have to see them. If money hadn't been abolished, that is.
So you're screwed.

8.     Reversing the Polarity.
    For cripes sake Giordi, stop reversing the polarity of everything! It
might work once in a while, but usually it just screws things up. I have
it on good authority that the technicians at Starbase 12 HATE that. Every
time the Enterprise comes in for its 10,000 hour checkup, they've gotta go
through the whole damned ship fixing stuff. "What happened to the toilet
in Stateroom 3?" "Well, the plumbing backed up, and Giordi thought he
could fix it by reversing the polarity."

  Between Scotty's poor lubrication habits and Geordi's damned polarity
reversing trick, it's a wonder the Enterprise doesn't just spontaneously
explode whenever they put the juice to it.

7.     Seatbelts.
    Yeah, I know this one is overdone, but you'd think that the first time
an explosion caused the guy at the nav station to fly over the captain's
head with a good 8 feet of clearance, someone would say, "You know, we
might think of inventing some furutistic restraining device to prevent
that from happening." So of course, they did make something like that for
the second Enterprise (the first one blew up due to poor lubrication), but
what was it? A hard plastic thing that's locked over your thighs. Oh, I'll
bet THAT feels good in the corners. "Hey look! The leg-bars worked as
advertised! There goes Kirk's torso!"

6.    No fuses.
    Every time there's a power surge on the Enterprise the various
stations and consoles explode in a shower of sparks and throw their
seatbelt-less operators over Picard's head. If we could get Giordi to stop
reversing the polarity for a minute, we could get him to go shopping at
the nearest Starship parts store and pick up a few fuses. And while he's
shopping, he could stop at an intergalactic IKEA and pick up a few chairs
for the bridge personnel. If you're going to put me in front of a fuseless
exploding console all day, the least you could do is let me sit down.

5.    Rule by committee.
    Here's the difference between Star Trek and the best SF show on TV
last year:

Star Trek:

Picard: "Arm photon torpedoes!"
Riker: "Captain! Are you sure that's wise?"
Troi: "Captain! I'm picking up conflicting feelings about this! And, it
appears that you're a 'fraidy cat."
Wesley: "Captain, I'm just an annoying punk, but I thought I should say
something."
Worf: "Captain, can I push the button? This is giving me a big Klingon
warrior chubby."
Giordi: "Captain, I think we should reverse the polarity on them first."
Picard: "I'm so confused. I'm going to go to my stateroom and look
pensive."

Firefly:

Captain: "Let's shoot them."
Crewman: "Are you sure that's wise?"
Captain: "Do you know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I'll
BEAT YOU WITH until you realize who's in command."
Crewman: "Aye Aye, sir!"

4.    A Star Trek quiz:
    Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and 'Ensign Gomez' beam down to a planet. Which
one isn't coming back?

3.    Technobabble.
    The other night, I couldn't get my car to start. I solved the problem
by reversing the polarity of the car battery, and routing the power
through my satellite dish. The resulting subspace plasma caused a rift in
the space-time continuum, which created a quantum tunnelling effect that
charged the protons in the engine core, thus starting my car. Child's
play, really. As a happy side-effect, I also now get the Spice Channel for
free.

2.    The Holodeck.
    I mean, it's cool and all. But do you really believe that people would
use it to re-create Sherlock Holmes mysteries and old-west saloons? Come
on, we all know what the holodeck would be used for. And we also know what
the worst job on the Enterprise would be: Having to squeegie the holodeck
clean.

1.    The Prime Directive.
    How stupid is this? Remember when Marvin the Martian was going to blow
up the Earth, because it obstructed his view of Venus? And how Bugs Bunny
stopped him by stealing the Illudium Q36 Space Modulator? Well, in the
Star Trek universe, Bugs would be doing time. Probably in a room filled
with Roseanne lookalikes wearing spandex uniforms, walking through doors
going WHEET! all day. It would be hell. At least until the Kaboom. The
Earth-shattering Kaboom.

>From -- http://www.happyfunpundit.com/hfp/archives/000514.html#000514

Date: Mon, 8 Sep 2003 07:37:51 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  wake up...

  This dude wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to
open his eyes, and the first things he sees are a couple of aspirins and a
glass of water on the side table.

  He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order,
spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and
notices a note on the table, "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left
early to go shopping. Love you."

  So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and
the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. He asks,
"Son, what happened last night?"

  His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and delirious.
Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye
when you stumbled into the door."

  Confused, he asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

  His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she
tried to take your pants off, you said, 'Lady, leave me alone, I'm
married.'"

Date: Tue, 9 Sep 2003 07:29:09 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Lover's Lane

  A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot called, "Lovers'
Lane."

  He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The
cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a
young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately
notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.

  Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and
gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window ...
"Uh, yes, officer?"

  "What are you doing?" "Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine,
sir."

  Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat, the cop says: "And
her, what is she doing?"

  The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover
sweater."

  Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. alone, in a car, at
night... in a lovers' lane - and nothing obscene is happening!

  "What's your age, young man?" "I'm 25, sir..."

  "And her ... what's her age?" The young man looks at his watch and
replies:

  "She'll be 18 in 20 minutes."

Date: Wed, 10 Sep 2003 08:11:43 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

QUOTE OF THE DAY: "We're in trouble, and we need the help of all of the
people that the president insulted on the way into Iraq."
-- Democratic presidential hopeful Howard DEAN

Date: Fri, 12 Sep 2003 09:17:35 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  proper outlook

  John sent an e-mail to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to
visit on his vacation. He wrote: "I would very much like to bring my dog
with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to
permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

  An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been
operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a
dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've
never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and
disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed,
your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you,
you're welcome to stay here, too."

Date: Mon, 15 Sep 2003 17:52:43 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much a master of the world
as he who is ready to die."
-- Giacomo Leopardi

Date: Tue, 16 Sep 2003 10:18:48 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Baltimore Barbies...

Barbie Dolls Inc. Announces The Release Today of Models of Limited Edition
Barbie Dolls for the Baltimore Market:

Columbia Barbie:

This princess Barbie is only sold at the Mall in Columbia. She comes with
an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus, a lapdog and a cookie
cutter house. Options include tummy tuck, face lift and a workaholic Ken.

Towson Barbie:

This trendy homemaker Barbie is available with the Lexus SUV or Ford
Windstar minivan, gets lost easily, and has no full time occupation or
secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately. Optional
matching gym outfit.

Edmondson Avenue Barbie:

This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife,
a slammed Chevrolet with oversized wheels and tinted windows and a
Methadone Clinic Ken. Also available in a jailbird version with orange
coveralls.

Federal Hill Barbie:

This yuppie Barbie comes with choice of a BMW sports car or a souped up
Hummer 2, Starbucks cup, credit card and shallow Ken.

Dundalk Barbie:

This white-trash model comes in Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a
NASCAR shirt, big hair, a six pack of Coors Light and a Hank, Jr. CD set.
She can spit over 5 feet and she can kick Ken's ass when she's drunk. A
pickup is available with Confederate flag bumper stickers. She is
available only at Eastpoint Mall.

Owings Mills Barbie:

This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie has had more facelifts than
she has fused fingers. She comes with a hairstyle that could withstand a
hurricane, a mah-jongg set and an Infiniti which she can't drive and
bitches about her kids not carting her around.

Glen Burnie Barbie:

This "Classic" version has a mouth that is firmly closed so as not to show
her summer teeth, Daisy Dukes so tight you can see camel toe, and a half
T-shirt that guarantees you can see her navel piercing and at least 5
tattoos. She swears incessantly and is not recommended for children.

Pasadena Barbie:

Available with your choice of 70's bitch-flip hairdos, a Ford Ranger
pickup, and a pit bull. She is missing a front tooth. She swears
incessantly and is not recommended for children. Accessories include:
CD-player equipped with Bon Jovi, and a 1996 Camaro Z-28 and a corner bar.

Essex Barbie:

This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie still has not learned that you
can't wear high-heeled sandals from Payless with no pedicure and without
breaking a heel and falling while you chase your beer-gutted
mullet-wearing boyfriend. Her make-up is dark red lip liner with lips
covered in a sparkly pink color or no fill-in at all. Her ensemble
includes low-rise acid-washed jeans with assorted colored G-strings that
stick out the back of her jeans, a white barely-there see-through shirt.
Her long, layered hair is bleached/highlighted and BIG. Accessories
include: CD-player equipped with Bon Jovi, and a 1996 Camaro Z-28.

Canton Barbie:

Has extremely dark fake tan, several tattoos, thick filled-in fingernails,
big frosted and spiked hair. She comes with five-inch strappy sandals and
a skin-tight polyester/spandex dress just below her crotch. Options
include a home gym, KIA Sportage or a dented Ford Mustang. She has several
maxed-out credit cards, hon. Tattooed Ken with ninth-grade education and
baggy blue jumpsuit sold separately.

DC commuter Barbie:

This Bitch of a Barbie comes with a Ford SUV, a knife to stab other
Barbies in the back, and tons of makeup. Carnivore Ken sold separately.

Hampden a/k/a "Hey Hon" Barbie:

This Barbie is the same model of Barbie that was released in 1982. She
comes with shoulderpads, dark polyester skirt, white pantyhose and a bad
haircut. Options include Ravens shirt, walmart purse and outdated shoes.

Date: Wed, 17 Sep 2003 09:21:42 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  pun time

  A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down,
but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

  Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
towards the man.

  He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

  "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in
place.

  "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

  They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest
dreams and he shares his. She listens.

  After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to
her place for a nightcap ......... and stay for breakfast.

  They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

  The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

  The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!!

  "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to
every guy you meet?"

  "No," she replies........."  "You just happened to catch my eye."

Date: Fri, 19 Sep 2003 10:37:31 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  bumper sticker of the day

"Moral religious fascism is domestic terrorism..."

Date: Mon, 22 Sep 2003 08:51:22 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent."
-- Sagan

Date: Tue, 23 Sep 2003 12:35:03 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  QOTD

"A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask
for it back the when it begins to rain."
-- Robert Frost

Date: Wed, 24 Sep 2003 08:34:12 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  translation...

  When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts
to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training.

  One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking
among the rocks.

  The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question.

  His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big
suits doing?"

  One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the
moon. When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited
and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to
deliver to the moon.

  Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official
accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling
to get a tape recorder.

  The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA
official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said.

  The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he
refused to translate. So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo
village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed
long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the
moon.

  Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he
finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message: "Watch out
for these assholes. They have come to steal your land."

Date: Thu, 25 Sep 2003 08:35:12 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  12 things kids learn...

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
second person.
4) Never ask your year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
7) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
8) Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a tic-tac.
9) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
10) School lunches stick to the wall.
11) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
12) Don't wear polka dot underwear under white shorts.

Date: Fri, 26 Sep 2003 08:27:42 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Do Not Call Registry

>From CQ Daily:

QUOTE OF THE DAY: "This bill got to the House floor faster than a consumer
can hang up on a telemarketer at dinnertime." -- Rep. Edward J. Markey,
D-Mass., regarding legislation to ratify Oct. 1 start of a national "Do
Not Call" registry.

Date: Mon, 29 Sep 2003 09:30:41 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  fortune OTD

Lady Luck brings added income today. Lady friend takes it away tonight.

Date: Tue, 30 Sep 2003 09:05:39 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  You know you're from Northern Virginia if...??

1. Speed limits are just suggestions

2. You take a major highway to school (95, 66, 28, etc.)

3. You constantly complain about there being nothing to do, even though
you are right next to DC

4. You have at least 2 friends who have no idea what their parents do
because it's "top secret" government work

5. 50% of your senior high school class went to either to Mason, JMU, Tech or UVA

6. When people ask where you're from, you tell them DC because its easier
to explain

7. You've never told someone you're from Virginia without putting
"northern" in front of it

8. When you and your friends get bored, you all whip out your cell phones
and start playing with them

9. Its not actually tailgating unless your bumper is touching the car in
front of you.

10. A yellow light means at least 5 more cars can get through.

11. A red light means 2 more can.

12. It takes you 30 minutes to drive 10 miles

13. Your local news is national news

14. If you hear the word "sniper" one more time you're going to slap
someone

15. You actually know what the black boxes at stoplights are for

16. Even if your neighborhood is only a year old, it's already overcrowded

17. You had over 500 students in your graduating class

18. Despite the fact that Virginia fought for the south in the Civil War,
you are NOT, under ANY circumstances, a "Southerner"

19. You are friends with people from at least 2 other Virginia high
schools or colleges

20. You know at least 2 people who drive a mercedes, BMW, Lexus, etc.

21. The cars in the student parking lots are worth 3x those in the teacher
parking lots

22. You are amused by visiting friends and relatives who are actually
excited to see Washington DC

23. You are amazed when you go out of town and the people at McDonald's
speak English

24. You can cross 4 lanes of traffic in under 30 seconds

25. There are at least 3 malls within 20 miles of your house

26. There are at least 6 Starbucks within 20 miles of your house

27. You or someone in your family has a Smart Tag

28. Homework/Extra credit for a class has been to visit a museum in DC

29. When traveling, you have your choice of 3 airports

30. You don't actually like the Redskins/Wizards but sometimes watch
anyway for a good laugh

31. There is an inch of snow and you miss 3 days of school

32. All the potholes just add a little excitement to your driving
experience

33. Stop signs mean slow down a little, but only if you feel like it

34. You call things "ghetto" even though in most of the rest of the
country it would be high class

35. You or most of your friends have a 2 car garage

36. You don't actually keep your cars in it.

37. When you were driving on the Beltway at 2:13am on a Tuesday there was
still traffic

38. A slow driver is someone who isn't going at least 10mph over the speed
limit

39. Subway is a fast food place. The transportation system is known as the
Metro, and only the Metro.

40. You've taken a wrong turn somewhere late at night and ended up in a
bad part of DC

41. They just tore down the old farm house across the street and put 12
new houses in its place

42. Someone has honked at you because you didn't peel out the second the
light turned green.

43. You've honked at someone because they didn't peel out the second the
light turned green.

44. Two words: rush hour.

45. For the cost of your house, you could own a small town in Iowa.

46. Helicopters and airplanes flying above your neighborhood is a normal
occurrence.

47. If you stay on the same road long enough, it will eventually have 3
new names.