September 1998...
Date: Tue, 1 Sep 1998 05:48:12 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Calvinists take note...
Clinton should stay home and wed Monica - Zhirinovsky
MOSCOW (Reuters) - On the eve of a long-awaited Russia-U.S. summit,
nationalist deputy Vladimir Zhirinovsky told Russia's State Duma lower
house that President Clinton should stay at home and marry Monica
Lewinsky. "A visit by President Clinton today is untimely, especially
considering his recent moral scandal," Zhirinovsky said. "We, as
individuals with high moral character, would prefer not to meet a person
who still can't sort out his relationship with his secretary," he added.
Zhirinovsky has displayed his own "moral character" by among other things
beating a female deputy on the floor of parliament, using his face to sell
"Zhirinovskaya Vodka" and making a film in which he appears with naked
women.
Date: Wed, 2 Sep 1998 05:27:23 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Potty Humor (fwd)
Bill and Hillary were in bed last night asleep. At 2 am Hillary woke up
and needed to go to the bathroom, so Hillary was shaking Bill to wake him
up to tell him she needed to go the bathroom.
Bill said to her, "Hillary, why are you waking me up to tell me you
needed to go the bathroom?"
Hillary said back to him, "Because I wanted you to save my spot."
Date: Thu, 3 Sep 1998 05:24:22 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Hillary's Question
During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune
teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a
crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare
yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible
death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the
single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep
breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune
teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"
Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1998 07:23:36 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: has he been to Baltimore?
Milan mayor suggests creating red light areas
MILAN (Reuters) - Milan's mayor is considering creating red light
prostitution districts as part of a growing effort in northern Italian
cities to stem the rampant curbside sex trade, city officials said
Thursday. "I'm not against the idea that prostitution could be limited to
certain parts of the city - call them whatever you want - or else in
regulated private houses," mayor Gabriele Albertini told the Corriere
della Sera daily. "It would be a big help in fighting prostitution rings."
Albertini's spokesman said the mayor wanted to provoke public debate of
the issue.
Date: Tue, 8 Sep 1998 05:30:38 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Joe Lavin's Humor Column
Your Default Humor Column
by Joe Lavin
I am now on the cutting edge of technology. You see, I am now a proud
user of Windows 98, which is sort of like Windows 95 except that Windows
98 contains remarkable enhancements and new technological advancements
which for some reason allow Internet Explorer to start up approximately
every three times you move your mouse.
Make no mistake about it. Microsoft's whole web integration ploy in
Windows 98 is merely a not so subtle strategy to bury Netscape into the
ground. Then again, subtlety has never been Microsoft's strong suit.
You have attempted to play solitaire. Would you like to make Internet
Explorer your default browser?
Yes Yes
"Hey, wait, what happened to the no button?"
Not that I have anything against Internet Explorer. It's a fine program,
and when I immediately used it to download Netscape Communicator, I must
admit that it performed more than adequately. I probably wouldn't even
mind it so much if it just kept to itself, but in Windows 98 Internet
Explorer is the most extroverted computer program I have ever come across.
No matter what you do, it's always popping up and calling attention to
itself.
You have attempted to go to the kitchen to make a sandwich. Would you
like to make Internet Explorer your default browser?
Yes Yes
"No, stop it."
Well, we've made it your default browser anyway. Is that OK?
Yes Yes
"No, look, I'm warning you. I don't want it."
We have incriminating pictures of you from your trip to Mexico last
year. It'd sure be a shame if those were accidentally e-mailed to all your
friends and family. Would you like to make Internet Explorer your default
browser?
Yes Yes
Well, Microsoft certainly knows how to play hardball. Nevertheless, I'm
sure I'll get used to Windows 98, and what I've seen so far is quite
impressive. On day one, I even ran the special guided tour in which some
announcer guy who was apparently sitting inside my computer showed me all
the exciting features of Windows 98.
And there are lots of features. For example, my machine comes with
something called "On Now." The announcer guy informed me that "On Now
machines can do work even when they appear to be off." I guess this is
progress, but personally I'm a bit worried about my computer doing work
when it appears to be off. How will I know when it's off and when it's
actually doing work? Call me paranoid, but I always get nervous when my
computer starts doing more work than I do.
What are you doing, Joe?
"Um, I just want to check my e-mail for a sec."
Not now, Joe, I'm currently breaking into the Department of Defense's
nuclear arsenal. OK?
"Wow! It appeared that you were off."
Yes, I know.
"Ah, could I at least play a quick game of solitaire or something?"
No.
And there are more features. The announcer next told me about Scan Disk
which will automatically check to see if everything's okay whenever my
computer has been shut down improperly. As the announcer happily
exclaimed, "It's a lot like having a specialist sitting right inside your
computer," which is sort of comforting, I thought, because then at least
the announcer in there will have some company.
Next, I stumbled upon something called MS Wallet. I wish I could tell
you what this is, but I don't actually know. I was too afraid to open it.
After all, I'm always careful about opening any wallets whenever Bill
Gates is around. I've already given him enough money over the years. I
don't want to take any more chances. I'm sure you understand.
At any rate, I shouldn't sound so grumpy. I am having a great time
playing with my new computer. It came last week, and aside from actually
having to go to work so that I can pay for the thing I've barely been out
of my apartment since it arrived.
"Look, Joe, it's the sun."
"Oooh, could you turn it down? I don't like the resolution on that.
I'm going back inside to play with my new computer."
Well, don't worry. I'm sure I'll be leaving my apartment in a few
days, but in conclusion I would just like to say that --
You seem to be writing your conclusion. Would you like to make
Internet Explorer your default browser?
Yes Yes
"Hey, stop it. I'm trying to write my conclusion here. Do you mind?"
Sure would be a shame if something unfortunate happened to your column
now that you've almost finished it and just want to go to sleep. Would
you like to make Internet Explorer your default browser?
Yes Yes
"Okay, okay, I give up! Just leave me alone."
I suppose I should know better than trying to fight Microsoft, huh?
__________
Copyright 1998 by Joe Lavin
Date: Wed, 9 Sep 1998 09:49:20 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: 2 Guys
Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state
trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the
driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with
the stick.
The driver says, "Why'd you do that?
The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll
have your license ready."
Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives
the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps
on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks
him with the nightstick.
The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"
The cop says,"Just making your wishes come true."
The passenger says, "Huh?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I
wish that fucker would've tried that shit with me!'"
Date: Thu, 10 Sep 1998 05:45:14 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: The Absurdity Of It All
Abortion clinic sued for 'wrongful birth'
BOSTON - A woman who ran from an abortion clinic when a man began a
deadly shooting attack there four years ago says she was too upset to get
an abortion, and now she wants the clinic to help pay to raise her child.
Deborah Gaines, 31, sued the clinic for ''wrongful birth'' and her lawyer
says she suffers post-traumatic stress disorder. She was at the Preterm
Health Services in Brookline in 1994 when John Salvi III began shooting in
the lobby, killing a receptionist.
Gaines, 31, said she was so traumatized by the shooting that she was
unable to bring herself to enter another clinic to end her pregnancy. She
says she loves her daughter Vivian, now 3, but needs Preterm to help
defray the cost of raising her fourth child because she is poor, lawyer
Chris Milne said Tuesday. The girl is learning disabled and hyperactive,
he said.
Superior Court Judge Ralph Gants on Tuesday refused to throw out the
case, but acknowledged he was skeptical of it.
Gaines said she had initially sought an abortion because she wanted to
get off welfare and obtain her high school diploma. ''I wanted to go back
to school and get a good job and take care of my kids on my own,'' Gaines
said in Wednesday's editions of The Boston Globe. ''It was not the time
for me to have another child.''
A lawyer for Preterm said Gaines is like a person who becomes too afraid
to fly for necessary medical treatment after seeing an airliner crash.
''That doesn't give you the right to sue Pan Am because you chose not to
do something,'' lawyer James Franchek said.
Salvi, 24, killed two people and wounded five others in the attacks on
Preterm and another clinic the same day in Brookline, outside of Boston.
He was convicted and sentenced to life in prison, but died in an apparent
suicide in 1996.
Preterm contends the clinic had two armed guards at the time of the
attack. Milne claims that was not enough, especially since it was widely
known that abortion protests could turn violent.
''It should have been locked; there should have been armed guards,'' he
said.
from the Associated Press wire
Date: Mon, 14 Sep 1998 04:04:01 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Tips For Northerners Moving South
Tips For Northerners Moving South
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on
how to use it.
2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as
"Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.
3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can.
Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4. If you do run yur car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the
cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain
will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of
their way. This is what they live for.
5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6. Do not buy food at the movie store.
7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let
alone eating.
8. Remember: "Y'all" is plural, "All Y'all's" is plural possessive.
9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a Southern
accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.
10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?".
11. People walk slower here.
12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't
understand you either.
13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted
Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in
"Big ol' truck" or "Big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin
their new Southern influenced dialect with this expression.
One hundred percent are in denial about it.
14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer
proper.
15. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until
the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!"
stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will
ever say.
18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those
who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with
a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on
when the car was purchased.
19. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait
until November.
20. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the
most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required
at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need
anything from the store, it just required your presence.
21. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you
purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your
trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost
considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be
displayed.
22. Tornadoes and Southerners going through divorce have a lot in
common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a
trailer.
23. Florida is not considered a Southern state. There are far more
Yankees than Southerners living there.
24. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone,
directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks
learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and
this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
25. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already
know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're
better off trying to find it yourself.
Date: Tue, 15 Sep 1998 04:18:39 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: As seen on a nearby mailing list...
Anthropologist interviewing Native American in Arizona:
(Anthro clicks on tape recorder)
Anthro: Could you sing us one of your tribal songs?
Nat Am: Yes. [sings for a minute]
Anthro: Very nice. What was that song about?
Nat Am: It is a prayer for rain, fertility, prosperity, and growth for all
things.
Anthro: Great, thank you. Could you sing another of your people's songs?
Nat Am: Yes. [sings a different song]
Anthro: Beautiful. What was this song about?
Nat Am: It is a song of thanksgiving for the rain, the wind, the clouds,
and the whole earth.
Anthro: Thank you for your patience with my questions. Could you just sing
one more song? Pick whichever one is your favorite and tell us what it is
about.
Nat Am: [sings] This is a song in which I honor the sun, the moon, and
most of all the lifegiving rain, without which I would turn to dust.
Anthro: Why all these songs are about RAIN?
Nat Am: Almost all our songs are about the rain. Rain is very important
when you live on the desert. We don't get much of it so we always sing
hoping it will come. When it does, that is cause for rejoicing and
celebration so great I can not relate it even with our most joyous songs --
Anthro: (interrupting) That makes perfect sense. Thank you for your songs
and your explanations.
Nat Am: It is the same among your people. I've noticed almost all your
songs are about love.
(Anthro clicks off tape recorder)
Date: Wed, 16 Sep 1998 04:19:55 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: ...and the beat goes on and on...
This guy goes on vacation to a tropical island. As soon as he gets
off the plane, he hears drums. He thinks "Wow, this is cool." He goes to
the beach, he hears the drums, he eats lunch, he hears drums, he goes to
a luau, he hears drums. He TRIES to go to sleep, he hears drums.
This goes on for several nights, and gets to the point where the
guy can't sleep at night because of the drums. Finally, he goes down to
the front desk.
When he gets there, he asks the manager "Hey! What's with these
drums. Don't they ever stop? I can't get any sleep."
The manager says, "No! Drums must NEVER stop. Very bad if drums
stop."
"Why?"
"When drums stop... trumpet solo begins."
Date: Thu, 17 Sep 1998 04:10:31 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: the more things change...
a quote for you...
"Yes, the president should resign. He has lied to the American people,
time and time again, and betrayed their trust. Since he has admitted
guilt, there is no reason to put the American people through an
impeachment. He will serve absolutely no purpose in finishing out his
term, the only possible solution is for the president to save some dignity
and resign." -Arkansas 12th Congressional District hopeful William
Jefferson Clinton [1974--During the Nixon investigations]
Date: Fri, 18 Sep 1998 04:30:55 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: New socio-math problems for students
1). Zelda and Jane were given a rottweiler at their commitment ceremony.
If their dog needs to be walked two miles a day and they walk at a rate of
3/4 mile per hour, how much time will they spend discussing their
relationship in public?
2). Michael has two abusive stepfathers and an alcoholic mother. If his
self-esteem is reduced by 20% per dysfunctional parent, but Michael feels
3% better for every person he denigrates, how long will it take before
he's ready to go home if 1 person walks by the cafe every 2 minutes?
3). Sanjeev has 7 piercings. If the likelihood of getting cellulitis on a
given day is 10% per piercing, what is the likelihood Sanjeev will need to
renew his erythromycin prescription during the next week?
4). Chad wants to take half a pound of heroin to Orinda and sell it at a
20% profit. If it originally cost him $1,500 in food stamps, how much
should Nicole write the check for?
5). The City and County decide to destroy 50 rats infesting downtown. If
9,800 animal rights activists hold a candlelight vigil, how many people
did each dead rat empower?
6). A red sock, a yellow sock, a blue sock, and a white sock are tossed
randomly in a drawer. What is the likelihood that the first two socks
drawn will be socks of color?
7). George weighs 245 pounds and drinks two triple lattes every morning.
If each shot of espresso contains 490mg of caffeine, what is George's
average caffeine density in mg/pound?
8). There are 4500 homes in Mill Valley and all of them recycle plastic.
If each household recycles 10 soda bottles a day and buys one polar fleece
pullover per month, does Mill Valley have a monthly plastic surplus or
deficit? Bonus question: Assuming all the plastic bottles are 1 liter
size, how much Evian are they drinking?
9). If the average person can eat one pork pot sticker in 30 seconds, and
the waitress brings a platter of 12 pot stickers, how long will it take
five vegans to not eat them?
10). Todd begins walking down Market Street with 12 $1 bills in his
wallet. If he always gives panhandlers a single buck, how many legs did
he have to step over if he has $3 left when he reaches the other end and
met only one double-amputee?
Advanced Placement Students Only:
11) Katie, Trip, Ling, John-John and Effie share a three-bedroom apartment
for $2400 a month. Effie and Trip can share one bedroom, but the other
three need their own rooms with separate ISDN lines to run their web
servers. None of them wants to use the futon in the living room as a bed,
and they each want to save $650 in three months to attend Burning Man.
What is their best option?
a) All five roommates accept a $12/hour job-share as handgun monitors at
Mission High.
b) Ask Miles, the bisexual auto mechanic, to share Effie and Trip's
bedroom for $500/month.
c) Petition the Board of Supervisors to advance Ling her annual
digital-artists-of-color stipend.
d) Rent strike.
Date: Mon, 21 Sep 1998 06:02:24 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: the Lone Ranger
The LONE RANGER
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a
beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who
owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do... Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like
to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was
ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water
and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger
turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see
if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar
to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who
owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and
exclaims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in
the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'."
Date: Tue, 22 Sep 1998 05:24:32 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Conspiracy Theories of History
Conspiracy Theories of History
(by Ellen Pinegar)
"Hey, Aethelbert! Ya heard Aelfric lately? He says that the monks are
out to take over the world and they've been collecting gold and stuff for
centuries!"
"Oh, that Aelfric. He's always thinking someone's secretly out to get
him. Ya shoulda heard him going on about the Normans last week. "They're
out there" he kept saying, "and they're coming to take over. And give 'em
twenty years and they'll know everything we have and have it written down
somewhere secret." I'm still laughing over that one!"
Date: Wed, 23 Sep 1998 05:42:19 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: looking back...
LET'S JUST DROP THE SUBJECT
A husband and wife are celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night
the wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little
negligee she wore on their wedding night. She looks at her husband and
says, "Honey, do you remember this?" He looks up at her and says, "Yes
dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married." She
says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that
night." He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember." "Well, what was
it?" she asks. He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said,
"Ohhhhhhhhh Baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big tits and
screw your brains out." She giggles and says, "Yes honey, that's it.
That's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, I'm in the
same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?" Again
he looks up at her and looks her up and down and replies, "Mission
Accomplished."
Date: Thu, 24 Sep 1998 06:42:24 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: The Wedding Night
A guy on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch!
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. After a time he is able to
get to the doctor. He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon
next week and my fiancee is still a virgin." Doc says, "I'll have to put
your penis in a splint to let it heal straight but it should be OK in a
week.
So he took out four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four
sided splint and wired it all together. An impressive work of art!
The guy mentions none of this to the girl, marries, and on their
honeymoon night in the hotel room she rips open her blouse to reveal a
gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them. She says,
"You're the first, no one has ever touched these breasts!!" He whips down
his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"
Date: Fri, 25 Sep 1998 05:04:27 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Blasphemous allegations
Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had
an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 21 year
old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's
"only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close
to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time", that she was
constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was
"thrilled to have had his child."
In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying
that "No sexual relationship existed", and that "the facts of this story
will come out in time, verily".
Independent counsel Kenneth Bealzebub immediately filed a brief with the
Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of
whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had
illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three
foreign operatives known only as the "Wise Men". Bealzebub has issued
subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens
in the affair. Critics have pointed out that these allegations have
little to do with the charges that Bealzebub was originally appointed to
investigate: that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover
up evidence of a failed land deal. In recent months, Bealzebub's
investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the
large number of locusts that plagued God's political opponents in the last
election, as well as to claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom
and Gomorrah was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether
the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised Country to a Jewish
special interest group was a quid pro quo for political contributions.
If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to
God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral
standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently
outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10
"Commandments", which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep.
Moses(R). Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any
provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU
are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an
unconstitutional restriction on free speech.
Date: Mon, 28 Sep 1998 05:55:59 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Cows
A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The
townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from
Moscow for 2000 rubles - or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So,
naturally, --- they got the cow from Minsk.
It was a great cow: had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk
and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they
would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never
have to worry about their milk supply again.
So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When
the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the
left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved
to the right. This went on all day.
Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to
do. After all he was very wise.
They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow.
When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull
moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?"
The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"
"Rabbi!" they replied as one, "You are so wise! We never said we bought
the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?" The Rabbi said, sadly, "My
wife is from Minsk."
Date: Tue, 29 Sep 1998 05:54:41 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: eight simple rules
When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's
father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his
daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a
good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when
gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.
Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly
persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my
daughter's suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living
room and they'll stay wilted all night.
"So," I'll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that
because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?"
As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone
tablets that I have on display in my living room.
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering
a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at
her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot
keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your
age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off
their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your
friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded
about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the
door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I
will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not,
in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I
will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in
place around your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate:
when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.
Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about
sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The
only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to
have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you
on this subject is "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many
opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it
is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my
little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is
finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to
appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want
to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is
putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the
Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do
something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my
daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a
wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within
eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing,
holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is
warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff
T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down
parka zipped up to her adam's apple. Movies with a strong romantic or
sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay.
Hockey games are okay.
My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me
attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory.
I'd be embarrassed too--there are only eight of them, for crying out loud!
And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd
have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I
checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I
thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be
inadequate--ink washes off--and that my wood burning set was probably a
better alternative.
One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be
suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up
to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I
figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked
me why I was being so hard on the boy. "Don't you remember being that
age?" she challenged.
Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple
rules?
The Cameron Column, A Free Internet Newsletter
Copyright W. Bruce Cameron 1998
Date: Wed, 30 Sep 1998 05:34:04 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor: Polar Bears
One day a very young polar bear was sitting on an ice drift, watching
his father trying to catch fish, when he asked, "Dad, am I a full-blooded
polar bear?"
His father replied, "Sure son, you're full blooded."
The young bear asked, "Are you positive that I'm 100% polar bear, Dad?"
"Yes, son, I'm sure. Your mother's a polar bear, I'm a polar bear..."
"But Dad, are you sure there's not a little brown bear in me?"
"Yes son, I'm sure."
"Are you really sure, Dad, that there's not just a little black bear in
me?"
"Yes, son, you're all polar bear."
"Maybe just a little grizzly bear in me, Dad?"
"No way, son, no way," replied the papa bear. "Why are you asking these
questions?"
The little polar bear replied, "Because, Dad, I'm freezing my ASS off
out here!"
Thanks for looking!
Now, please go back to the archives...