Date: Wed, 1 Sep 1999 09:09:24 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  memo from God

To: The Members of the Kansas Board of Education
From: God
Re: Your Decision to Eliminate the Teaching of Evolution as Science.

  Thank you for your support. Much obliged.  Now, go forth and multiply. 
Beget many children. And yea, your children shall beget children. And 
their children shall beget children, and their children's children after 
them. And in time the genes that have made you such pinheads will be 
eliminated through natural selection. Because that is how it works.

  Listen, I love all my creatures equally, and gave each his own special 
qualities to help him on Earth. The horse I gave great strength. The 
antelope I gave great grace and speed. The dung beetle I gave great 
stupidity, so he doesn't realize he is a dung beetle. Man I gave a brain. 
Use it, okay?  I admit I am not perfect. I've made errors.  (Armpit 
hair--what was I thinking?)  But do you Kansans seriously believe that I 
dropped half-a-billion-year-old trilobite skeletons all over my great 
green Earth by mistake? What, I had a few lying around some previous 
creation in the Andromeda galaxy, and they fell through a hole in my 
pocket?  You were supposed to find them. And once you found them, you were 
supposed to draw the appropriate, intelligent conclusions.  That's what I 
made you for. To think.  The folks who wrote the Bible were smart and good
people. Mostly, they got it right. But there were glitches.

  Imprecisions.  For one thing, they said that Adam and Eve begat Cain and 
Abel, and then Cain begat Enoch. How was that supposed to have happened? 
They left out Tiffany entirely!  Well, they also were a little off on 
certain elements of timing and sequence. So what?  You guys were supposed 
to figure it all out for yourselves, anyway. When you stumble over the 
truth, you are not supposed to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and 
proceed on as though nothing had happened. If you find a dinosaur's toe, 
you're not supposed to look for reasons to call it a croissant.

  You're not big, drooling idiots. For that, I made dogs.  Why do you
think there are no fossilized human toes dating from a hundred million
years ago?  Think about it. It's okay if you think. In fact, I prefer it.
That's why I like Charlie Darwin. He was always a thinker.   Still is. He
and I chat frequently.  I know a lot of people figure that if man evolved
from other organisms, it means I don't exist.  I have to admit this is a 
reasonable assumption and a valid line of thought. I am in favor of 
thought. I encourage you to pursue this concept with an open mind, and see
where it leads you.

  That's all I have to say right now.  Oh, wait.  There's one more thing. 
Did you read in the newspapers yesterday how scientists in Australia dug 
up some rocks and found fossilized remains of life dating back further 
than ever before? Primitive, multicelled animals on Earth nearly 3 billion 
years ago, when the planet was nothing but roiling muck and ice and fire. 
And inside those cells was . . . DNA.

  Incredibly complex strands of chemicals, laced together in a scheme so 
sophisticated no one yet understands exactly how it works.  I wonder who 
could have thought of something like that, back then.  Just something to 
gnaw on.

Date: Thu, 2 Sep 1999 09:43:55 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  happy marriages

 A couple was celebrating their Golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic
tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter
was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

  "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon, explained the husband. We visited
the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack
mule.

  We hadn`t gone too far when my wife`s mule stumbled. My wife quietly
said `That`s once.`

  We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again. Once more
my wife quietly said, `That`s twice.'

  We hadn`t gone a half mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife
promptly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the mule dead.

  I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at
me and quietly said, `That`s once.`"

Date: Fri, 3 Sep 1999 09:37:47 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Beer Warnings

  Due to increasing product liability, beer manufacturers have accepted
the Medical Association's suggestion that the following warning labels be
placed immediately on all beer containers.

  Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.

  Warning: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a 
Caucasian.

  Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring 
story over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in.

  Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers
are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

  Warning: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell 
happened to your pants.

  Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically 
converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

  Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you possess mystical 
Kung-Fu powers.

  Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the
morning and see something really scary (whose species, and/or name you
can't remember).

  Warning: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug 
burns on the forehead.

  Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones 
appearing in your home.

  Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are 
invisible.

  Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are 
laughing with you.

  Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the space-time 
continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may disappear 
from your memory.

  Warning: Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.

Date: Tue, 7 Sep 1999 09:36:26 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  who's the dense one?

 There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim Alley's Grocery
Store. The owner Tim doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys
like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles
shy of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice
between a nickel and a dime. 

  He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger. One day after
Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to one side and said, "Junior,
those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is
worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's
bigger, or what?"

  Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"

Date: Wed, 8 Sep 1999 09:21:42 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  pun time!

  Two vampires wanted to go out to eat, but were having a little trouble 
deciding where to go.  They were a little tired of the local food in 
Transylvania and wanted something a little more exotic.  After some 
discussion, they decided to go to Italy because they had heard that 
Italian food was really good.  So off they went to Italy, and ended up in
Venice. On a bridge over one of the canals, they hid in the shadows
and waited for dinner.  A few minutes later, they noticed a young couple
walking their way.  As they neared, the vampires made their move.  Each
vampire grabbed a person, sucked them dry ... and tossed the remaining
bodies into the canal below.
  The vampires were extremely pleased with their meal, and decided to have 
seconds.  Another young couple approached a few minutes later and suffered
the same fate as the first .. sucked dry and tossed into the canal below.
Our vampires are now fairly full, but decide to get dessert.  In a short 
while, a third young couple provides just that.  As with the first two 
couples, these people were also sucked dry and tossed over the rail into
the canal.
  The vampires decided that they had a marvelous dinner but that it was 
time to head back home.  As they started to walk away, they began to hear
some singing.  They were puzzled ... because no one else was on the 
bridge. As they listened, they realized that it was coming from the
canal.
  They looked over the rail, and saw a big alligator in the water under
the bridge ... feasting on the bodies.  They listened as the alligator
sang:
  "Drained wops keep fallin' on my head"...

Date: Thu, 9 Sep 1999 10:02:17 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  The Watch

  A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very 
attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his 
watch for a moment.

  The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

  "No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was
just testing it."

  The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special
about it?"

  "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

  "What's it telling you now?"

  "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

  The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am 
wearing panties!"

  The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

Date: Fri, 10 Sep 1999 11:06:30 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  The Lion Tamer

  Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion
tamer."

  The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion
taming."

  "Yes I do!"

  "Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all
roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"

  "Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his
face until he backs down."

  "Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with
them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do
then?"

  "Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip
him until he backs down."

  "Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites
it in two? What you gonna do then?"

  "Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him."

  "Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"

  "Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage,
and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage."

  "Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you
gonna do then?"

  "Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the
chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't
work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can
bet on that."

Date: Mon, 13 Sep 1999 16:40:49 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Lawns

  "Winterize your lawn," the big sign outside the garden store commanded.
I've fed it, watered it, mowed it, raked it and watched a lot of it die
anyway.  Now I'm supposed to winterize it?  I hope it's too late.  Grass
lawns have to be the stupidest thing we've come up with outside of thong
swimsuits!  We constantly battle dandelions, Queen Anne's lace, thistle,
violets, chicory and clover that thrive naturally, so we can grow grass
that must be nursed through an annual four-step chemical dependency.

  Imagine the conversation The Creator might have with St. Francis about
this:

  "Frank you know all about gardens and nature.  What in the world is 
going on down there in the Midwest?  What happened to the dandelions,
violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago?  I had a perfect,
no-maintenance garden plan.  Those plants grow in any type of soil,
withstand drought and multiply with abandon.  The nectar from the
long-lasting blossoms attracted butterflies, honey bees and flocks of
songbirds.  I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now.  But all I
see are these green rectangles."

  "It's the tribes that settled there, Lord.  The Suburbanites.  They 
started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great extent to kill them
and replace them with grass."

  "Grass?  But it's so boring.  It's not colorful.  It doesn't attract 
butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms.  It's temperamental
with temperatures.  Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass
growing there?"

  "Apparently so, Lord.  They go to great pains to grow it and keep it 
green.  They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any
other plant that crops up in the lawn."
  
  "The spring rains and cool weather probably make grass grow really fast.
That must make the Suburbanites happy."
  
  "Apparently not, Lord.  As soon as it grows a little, they cut it - 
sometimes twice a week."
  
  "They cut it?  Do they then bale it like hay?"

  "Not exactly, Lord.  Most of them rake it up and put it in bags."

  "They bag it?  Why?  Is it a cash crop?  Do they sell it?"
  
  "No, sir.  Just the opposite.  They pay to throw it away."
  
  "Now let me get this straight.  They fertilize grass so it will grow.
And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?"

  "Yes, sir."

  "These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on
the rain and turn up the heat.  That surely slows the growth and saves
them a lot of work."
  
  "You aren't going believe this Lord.  When the grass stops growing so
fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can
continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it."
 
  "What nonsense!  At least they kept some of the trees.  That was a sheer
stroke of genius, if I do say so myself.  The trees grow leaves in the
spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer.  In the autumn they fall
to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and
protect the trees and bushes.  Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost
to enhance the soil.  It's a natural circle of life."

  "You better sit down, Lord.  The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle.
As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and have them
hauled away."

  "No!  What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter
and keep the soil moist and loose?"

  "After throwing away your leaves, they go out and buy something they 
call mulch.  They haul it home and spread it around in place of the 
leaves."

  "And where do they get this mulch?"

  "They cut down trees and grind them up."

  "Enough!  I don't want to think about this anymore.  Saint Catherine,
you're in charge of the arts.  What movie have you scheduled for us
tonight?"

  "Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about..."

  "Never mind I think I just heard the whole story."

Date: Tue, 14 Sep 1999 09:37:52 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Milan Horse

  I just read in the news that Milan, Italy has just unveiled a new 
monument: a bronze horse. Apparently, Leonardo DaVinci was originially 
commissioned to build the monument 500 years ago, but war broke out and 
the bronze was recycled into cannons. The project languished until the 
1970's when an American artist, Charles Dent, took up the project.  He 
worked diligently and spent most of the family fortune until he died in 
1994 trying to bring it to be. Just recently another artist (Nina Akumi) 
finished the project.
  This week (500 years to the day after DaVinci fled Milan, leaving the 
project behind), the horse was delivered to the city of Milan.

  By comparison, Windows 2000's schedule doesn't look so bad.

Date: Wed, 15 Sep 1999 11:35:18 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Hamlet's Cat's Soliloquy

Hamlet's Cat's Soliloquy

To go outside, and there perchance to stay
Or to remain within: that is the question:
Whether 'tis better for a cat to suffer
The cuffs and buffets of inclement weather
That Nature rains on those who roam abroad,
Or take a nap upon a scrap of carpet,
And so by dozing melt the solid hours
That clog the clock's bright gears with sullen time
And stall the dinner bell. To sit, to stare
Outdoors, and by a stare to seem to state
A wish to venture forth without delay,
Then when the portal's opened up, to stand
As if transfixed by doubt. To prowl; to sleep;
To choose not knowing when we may once more
Our readmittance gain: aye, there's the hairball;
For if a paw were shaped to turn a knob,
Or work a lock or slip a window-catch,
And going out and coming in were made
As simple as the breaking of a bowl,
What cat would bear the household's petty plagues,
The cook's well-practiced kicks, the butler's broom,
The infant's careless pokes, the tickled ears,
The trampled tail, and all the daily shocks
That fur is heir to, when, of his own free will,
He might his exodus or entrance make
With a mere mitten? Who would spaniels fear,
Or strays trespassing from a neighbor's yard,
But that the dread of our unheeded cries
And scratches at a barricaded door
No claw can open up, dispels our nerve
And makes us rather bear our humans' faults
Than run away to unguessed miseries?
Thus caution doth make house cats of us all;
And thus the bristling hair of resolution
Is softened up with the pale brush of thought,
And since our choices hinge on weighty things,
We pause upon the threshold of decision.

 -shakespaw

Date: Thu, 16 Sep 1999 08:26:15 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  A little adultery joke

  A husband suspects his wife is having an affair. He needs to go on a 
business trip for several days, so he decides to set a trap for her. He 
puts a bowl of milk under the bed. From the bed springs, he suspends a 
spoon. He has it calibrated so that her weight on the bed will not drop 
the spoon into the milk. But, if there is any more weight than that, the 
spoon will drop into the milk and he will detect it upon his return home. 
He comes home several days later. The first thing he does is reaches under 
the bed and retrieves the bowl. Very upset, he storms out of the bedroom 
and into the kitchen looking for his wife, with a bowl full of butter...  

Date: Fri, 17 Sep 1999 10:55:23 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  ESB: extra scene

  There's going to be an extra scene included in the DVD release of EMPIRE
STRIKES BACK coming up next year!

  Basically, it expands on the scene where Vader reveals his fatherhood to
Luke, and ties up some loose ends created with the release of Episode 1...

The Empire Strikes Back: Extra-Special Edition
-----------------------------------------------
INT: BESPIN GANTRY - MOMENTS LATER:

A furious lightsaber duel is underway. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE 
SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry.

A quick move by Vader, chops off Luke's hand! It goes spinning off into 
the ventilation shaft.

Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but 
straight down.

Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.

Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!

Darth Vader: No... I am your father!

Luke: No, it's not true! It's impossible.

Darth Vader: Search your feelings... you know it to be true...

Luke: NO!

Darth Vader: Yes, it is true... and you know what else? You know that brass
droid of yours?

Luke: Threepio?

Darth Vader: Yes... Threepio... I built him... when I was 7 years old...

Luke: No...

Darth Vader: Seven years old? And what have you done? Look at yourself, no
hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp...

Luke: I destroyed your precious Death Star!

Darth Vader: When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a
Trade Federation Droid Control ship!

Luke: Well, it's not my fault...

Darth Vader: Oh, here we go... "Poor me... my father never gave me what I
wanted for my birthday... boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith...
waahhh wahhh!"

Luke: Shut up...

Darth Vader: You're a slacker! By the time I was you're age, I had 
exterminated the Jedi knights!

Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon...

Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor... 10 years old, winner of the
Boonta Eve Open... Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer... right here baby!

Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.

Darth Vader: I was wrong... You're not my kid... I don't know whose you
are, but you sure ain't mine...

Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft.

Darth Vader looks after him.

Darth Vader: Get a haircut!

[Note - making the rounds unattributed - ed.]

Date: Mon, 20 Sep 1999 09:01:58 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  fine wine...

Woman's Quote of the Day:
  "Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our
job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into
something with which you'd like to have dinner with."

Men's Quote of the Day:
  "Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and
intoxicating to the mind and then turn full - bodied with age until they
go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."

Date: Tue, 21 Sep 1999 10:54:07 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  One Hole Behind

  A man playing on a new golf course without signs, got confused as to 
what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to 
her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.

  She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're one hole behind me, so you 
must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the
back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady once again
with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you're one hole behind
me, so you must be on the 13th." Again he thanked her.

  He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady 
sitting at the end of the bar. "Let me buy you a drink to show my 
appreciation for your kind help."

  As they talked, they discovered they were both in sales. He asked her
what was the product line she sold. She replied, "If I told you, you'd 
only laugh at me."

  "No I wouldn't," he said. She replied, "I sell tampons." With that he
fell to the floor convulsed in laughter. Frowning, she said, "See, I knew
you'd laugh at me!"

  "That's not what I'm laughing about," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper 
salesman -- so I'm still one hole behind you!"

Date: Wed, 22 Sep 1999 09:50:37 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  Finally, an explanation of the French.

Author:  Karl Young at EMB1830
      
    I found this article while cleaning my desk.  It is a translation of
an editorial from the prestigious Paris Journal "Cinema et Mort."
     
    "The lack of respect in America for the art of The Three Stooges (Les
Trois Imbeciles), and the unfortunate consignment of their masterworks to
the vulgar medium of television, is perplexing to the French critical
community.
     
    "With the exception of the tragic comedian Jerry Lewis (Le Jerry), no
one in cinema has captured the human dilemma so movingly and eloquently as
have Larry, Moe, and Curly- 'Les Trois Imbeciles.'
     
    "The impressive body of film work left by 'Les Trois Imbeciles' 
resounds with a single transcendent theme.  It is the Jungian notion of
the male's painful struggle to come to grips with his own unconscious,
specifically with the deeply repressed feminine side of his nature.
     
    "This struggle, so essential in man's search for wholeness, is 
exemplified in such acknowledged film classics as the epic 'The Three
Stooges Go Around the World in a Daze' (Les Trois Imbeciles Font un Tour
de Monde en Etourdi) and, of course, 'The Three Stooges Meet Hercules'
(Les Trois Imbeciles Rencontrent Hercule).
     
    Interpreting these works, the film connoisseur must regard Larry, Moe,
and Curly as a trinity, three parts of a single entity, representing the
sometimes contradictory urges and conflicting stages of development
experienced by man in modern society.
     
    "In Moe, one senses man mired in his conscious state.  Curly is man's
feminine unconscious, the embodiment of youth and innocence, the very
qualities that man must recapture to come full circle in his life's
journey.
     
    "Larry is perhaps the most complex recurring character in the history
of American film. He represents man in transition, caught between the
polarities of Moe and Curly.  He is, one could say, a work in progress.
     
    "In short, Moe must become Curly, by way of Larry, to achieve his full
human potentiality.  That profound pilgrimage is not without pain, even
deep scars and bruises.
     
    "Indeed, 'Les Trois Imbeciles' display their particular genius when
they give symbolic physical expression to the difficulties of the
metamorphosis.
     
    "Each precisely choreographed punch in the nose (un coup de poing sur
le nez) and each graceful poke in the rib (un petit coup sur le cote)
reverbrates with meaning.
     
    "We watch and think 'Un petit malheur est arrive' (There has been a
slight accident).  How mistaken we are.  There are no accidents.
     
    "Observe it is Moe who metes out these blows, Moe whose psyche is 
characterized with repression and denial, Moe who utilizes violence to
mute the imploring call to growth coming from his unconscious.  'C'est
tragique!'
     
    "But there is no denying the plaintive urgency of the call- 'nyuk! 
nyuk! nyuk!'- voiced by Curly.  To ignore it is to convict oneself forever
to the half-life of the conscious.  Moe hears the call of his unconscious
and offers only a question- 'A wise guy, eh?'- in response.
     
    "Alas, poor Moe, we know him all too well.  His question really is 
rhetorical.  If he could but hear it, 'nyuk! nyuk! nyuk!' is truly the
voice of deeper wisdom.
     
    And when the American male finally learns to listen and accept, there
will be at last no more Vietnams, no more Ronald Reagans, and, dare we
hope, no more Big Macs."

     
Date: Thu, 23 Sep 1999 11:08:17 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  it's all in the timing

  A sweet young thing thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking 
military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him when
was the last time he had had sex.

  "1956," he immediately replied.

  "No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed.  "Honey, you need to get 
out more."

  "I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch
again.

  "It's only 2014 now."

Date: Fri, 24 Sep 1999 09:29:28 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  fences

  A husband and wife are out for a drive through the countryside.  They  
reach a familiar spot and the wife says, "Sweetheart, let's do the same 
thing we did here forty years ago!"

  The husband stops the car.
 
  His wife backs against the fence, and he immediately jumps her like a 
bass on a junebug.  They make love like never before.  She was screaming 
and gyrating and shaking uncontrollably; and when it was over, much to her
husband's surprise, she fainted!
 
  After he revived her and got her back into the car, the husband, quite  
astounded says:
 
  "Darlin', you sure never moved like that forty years ago or anytime
since that I can remember."

  The woman, gasping for breath, finally able to speak, says:
 
  "FORTY YEARS AGO THAT DAMN FENCE WASN'T ELECTRIFIED!"

Date: Tue, 28 Sep 1999 07:51:59 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  a fine example of Bob Hirschfeld's wit

Taking Liberties --The Pluperfect Virus
By Bob Hirschfeld

  A new computer virus is spreading throughout the Internet, and it is far 
more insidious than last week's Chernobyl menace. Named Strunkenwhite 
after the authors of a classic guide to good writing, it returns e-mail 
messages that have grammatical or spelling errors. It is deadly accurate 
in its detection abilities, unlike the dubious spell checkers that come 
with word processing programs.

  The virus is causing something akin to panic throughout corporate 
America, which has become used to the typos, misspellings, missing words 
and mangled syntax so acceptable in cyberspace. The CEO of LoseItAll.com,
an Internet startup, said the virus has rendered him helpless. "Each time
I tried to send one particular e-mail this morning, I got back this error
message: 'Your dependent clause preceding your independent clause must be
set off by commas, but one must not precede the conjunction.' I threw my
laptop across the room."

  A top executive at a telecommunications and long-distance company, 
10-10-10-10-10-10-123, said: "This morning, the same damned e-mail kept 
coming back to me with a pesky notation claiming I needed to use a 
pronoun's possessive case before a gerund. With the number of e-mails I 
crank out each day, who has time for proper grammar? Whoever created this
virus should have their programming fingers broken."

  A broker at Begg, Barow and Steel said he couldn't return to the "bad, 
old" days when he had to send paper memos in proper English. He speculated
that the hacker who created Strunkenwhite was a "disgruntled English major
who couldn't make it on a trading floor. When you're buying and selling on
margin, I don't think it's anybody's business if I write that 'i meetinged
through the morning, then cinched the deal on the cel phone while bareling
down the xway.' "

  If Strunkenwhite makes e-mailing impossible, it could mean the end to a 
communication revolution once hailed as a significant timesaver. A study 
of 1,254 office workers in Leonia, N.J., found that e-mail increased 
employees' productivity by 1.8 hours a day because they took less time to
formulate their thoughts. (The same study also found that they lost 2.2
hours of productivity because they were e-mailing so many jokes to their
spouses, parents and stockbrokers.)

  Strunkenwhite is particularly difficult to detect because it doesn't 
come as an e-mail attachment (which requires the recipient to open it 
before it becomes active). Instead, it is disguised within the text of an
e-mail entitled "Congratulations on your pay raise." The message asks the
recipient to "click here to find out about how your raise effects your
pension." The use of "effects" rather than the grammatically correct
"affects" appears to be an inside joke from Strunkenwhite's mischievous
creator.

  The virus also has left government e-mail systems in disarray. Officials 
at the Office of Management and Budget can no longer transmit electronic 
versions of federal regulations because their highly technical language 
seems to run afoul of Strunkenwhite's dictum that "vigorous writing is 
concise." The White House speechwriting office reported that it had 
received the same message, along with a caution to avoid phrases such as 
"the truth is. . ." and "in fact. . . ."

  Home computer users also are reporting snafus, although an e-mailer who  
used the word "snafu" said she had come to regret it.

  The virus can have an even more devastating impact if it infects an 
entire network. A cable news operation was forced to shut down its 
computer system for several hours when it discovered that Strunkenwhite 
had somehow infiltrated its TelePrompTer software, delaying newscasts and
leaving news anchors nearly tongue-tied as they wrestled with proper 
sentence structure.

  There is concern among law enforcement officials that Strunkenwhite is a 
harbinger of the increasingly sophisticated methods hackers are using to 
exploit the vulnerability of business's reliance on computers. "This is 
one of the most complex and invasive examples of computer code we have 
ever encountered. We just can't imagine what kind of devious mind would 
want to tamper with e-mails to create this burden on communications," said
an FBI agent who insisted on speaking via the telephone out of concern
that trying to e-mail his comments could leave him tied up for hours.

  Meanwhile, bookstores and online booksellers reported a surge in orders 
for Strunk & White's "The Elements of Style."

===
Bob Hirschfeld lampoons the news at his Web site, bobsfridge.com. 
Sunday, May 2, 1999; Page B05 Washington Post

Date: Thu, 30 Sep 1999 11:25:03 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: humor:  The Pilot

  I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, 
there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked.

  Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant 
explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to 
get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.

  Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I
noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his
Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout
the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before 
because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, 
we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and 
stretch your legs?" Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like 
to stretch his legs."

  Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet 
standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with 
the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People 
scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to 
change airlines!