Grendel's Dog, from BEOCAT by the Old English Epic's Unknown Author's Cat (Modern English verse translation by the Editor's Cat) Brave Beocat, brood kit of Ecgthmeow, Hearth-pet of Hrothgar in whose high halls He mauled without mercy many fat mice, Night did not find napping nor snack-feasting. The wary war-cat, whiskered paw-wielder, Bearer of the burnished neck-belt, gold-braided collar band, Feller of fleas fatal, too, to ticks, The work of wonder-smiths, woven with witches' charms, Sat on the throne-seat his ears like sword-points Upraised, sharp-tipped, listening for peril-sounds, When he heard from the moor-hill howls of the hell-hound, Gruesome hunger-grunts of Grendel's Great Dane, Deadly doom-mutt, dread demon-dog. Then boasted Beocat, noble battle-kitten, Bane of barrow-bunnies, bold seeker of nest-booty: "If hand of man unhasped the heavy hall-door And freed me to frolic forth to fight the fang-bearing fiend, I would lay the whelpling low with lethal claw-blows; Fur would fly and the foe would taste death-food. But resounding snooze-noise, stern slumber-thunder, Nose-music of men snoring mead-hammered in the wine-hall, Fills me with sorrow-feeling for Fate does not see fit To send some fingered folk to lift the firm-fastened latch That I might go grapple with the grim ghoul-pooch." Thus spake the mouse-shredder, hunter of hall-pests, Short-haired Hrodent-slayer, greatest of the pussy-Geats.
Apologies to all who do not find this appropriate, but there is such a thing
as taking things too seriously. Found this one somewhere on the 'net; no
skald listed:
(to be sung to the tune of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen")
Oh Thor, guard ye merry Vikings all until another day,
When once again we sally-forth to burn and loot and slay,
And loading up our dragon ships, we swiftly sail away,
To Iceland, England, and Norway,
(ASIDE) ...and Norway...
To Iceland, England, and Norway.
All clad in mail we stomp around and drink all night and day,
And tote around a battle-axe to hack our foes away,
We'll total up the latest loot, including ransoms paid,
And sing songs of Odin, Thor and Frey,
(ASIDE) ...Thor and Frey...
And sing songs of Odin, Thor and Frey,
We must have gold to buy the meat to fill our hairy jaws,
And to pay off the Weregeld, for which you know the cause,
So we invade our neighbours, when they give us just cause,
Such as breathing or owning cats with claws,
(ASIDE) ...cats with claws...
Such as sleeping or cutting wood with saws.
this was in the style invitational, in case anyone out there missed it. both the contents and the writing style should seem vaguely familiar.... :) -- Now, gentles, sit! And yes shall hear a tale, The story of a voyage marr'd by fate, Commencing from a port of tropic clime Aboard a vessel minuscule, the mate A sailor full of puissance, yet not more Than was his captain. That idyllic shore Sent forth five passengers upon a tour Of but three hours' time; the weather played The strumpet with the ship, her serenade Turned hurricano, and not small at all, Her crew's exertions nurs'd her to the lee Of a long-forgotten atoll. There lamed, Brave Gilligan and his captain dwell beside A merchant rich as Croesus and his bride, A wanton actress, a most learned man, And Mary Ann, Upon the isle for which our play is named! -- (with apologies to the bard)
As somebody requested, here is the Honorable Lord Ulf Gunnarsson's poem: Lutefisk and Yams by Ulf Gunnarsson Hark and ware, oh Warrior! Weird of Sven mow hear you. How good Lars he harried, pestered him with questions. Late at meadhall light burned; Lars did strive to largen belly with a bowl of boiled fish his mission. And some chunks of chicken, cheese and bread and peasoup, finally pounds of pancakes paired with lingon berries. Smallish snack he snuck while woozy wife lay snoozing. When inside there wandered forth a fellow northman. Lars did greet him greatly for he knew the gruesome tales of host who hasten travellers forth from doorstep. Lars did ask his name then. "I am Sven," he mentioned. "Sven I am," he stated. "Do you like lutefisk and yams?" "Nay." said Lars, "though largely like I food most goodly, but I do not like lutefisk and yams, I do not like them Sven I am." "Ah," said Sven most sagely. "Would you eat them on a trip? Would you eat them on your ship?" "Nay," said Lars, "though largely like I food most goodly, but I would not eat them on a trip. I would not eat them on my ship. I do not like lutefisk and yams, I do not like them, Sven I am." "Ah," said Sven. "Then maybe might you eat them on a raid? Might you eat them with a maid?" "Nay," said Lars most strongly. "Like I food most goodly, but I would not eat them on a raid, I would not eat them with a maid, I would not eat them on a trip, I would not eat them on my ship. I do not like lutefisk and yams. I do not like them, Sven I am." "Hmmm," said Sven, "Good fellow, would you eat them on the field? Would you eat them off your shield?" "Nay!" cried Lars most wrothly, "Like I food most goodly, but I would not eat them on the field, I would not eat them off my shield, I would not eat them on a raid, I would not eat them with a maid, I would not eat them on a trip, I would not eat them on my ship. I do not like lutefisk and yams. I do not like them, Sven I am." Sven then looked most crafty. He then slyly stated: "Would you eat them served up cold? Would you eat them if I paid you gold?" "Well," said Lars, "since largely, Like I food most goodly... I might like lutefisk and yams. I might like them, Sven I am." Sven produced this Swedish yam and lutefisk sample. Lars did test this tasty treat then longly pondered. Stoutly Lars then stated: "I despise lutefisk and yams. I despise them, Sven I am. I will not eat them served up cold, I will not eat them if you pay me gold. I will not eat them on the field, I will not eat them off my shield, I will not eat them on a raid, I will not eat them with a maid, I will not eat them on a trip, And I will NOT eat them on MY ship! I do not like lutefisk and yams, I do not like them, Sven I am." And he slew Sven. Ulf Gunnarsson, as typed in by Robin of Gilwell / Jay Rudin
One day when the King was judging criminals for his kingdom he told the guards to "take this peasant and hang him!" The peasant dropped to his knees and cried out "Have mercy sire it is St. Valentines day".
The King reflected on this and said "why thank you for reminding me"!
turned to his guards and said "take this peasant and cut his heart
out."
Happy Valentines day to every one.-Attila the Hun's birthday!
Definition:
WOAD: Any member of the toad family who has through the application
of sufficient external preasure become at one with a roadway
surface. Thus one finds today: Asphaltwoad,Concretewoad,and still
sometimes even dirtwoad and cobblestonewoad. Currently this occurs
over large areas in lowlying contryside such that in England
they speak of:"motorwoadways". A very fast toad always escapes
this fate. It is known as the "woadrunner".
Conrad Jay Bladey
1996-for all to use!
The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet,
8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?
Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads
were built by English expatriates.
Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail
lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways,
and that's the gauge they used.
Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the
tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons,
which used that wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they
tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old,
long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts.
So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in
Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The
roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which
everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first
made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by
Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United State
standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original
specification (Military Spec) for an Imperial Roman army war chariot.
MilSpecs and Bureaucracies live forever.
So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what
horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the
Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate
the back-ends of two war horses.