The following was published in the New York Times...

This is an actual essay written by a college applicant to NYU.  The
author was accepted and is now attending NYU.

3A.  IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO
 KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE
FOLLOWING QUESTION:

ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR
ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU
AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice.
I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks,
making them more efficient in the area of heat retention.  I
translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning
operas, I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.  I woo women
with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot
bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook
Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes.  I am an expert in
stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly
defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of
ferocious army ants.  I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the
Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries.  When I'm bored,
I build large suspension bridges in my yard.  I enjoy urban hang
gliding.  On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical
appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening
wear.

I don't perspire.  I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail.
I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes.
Last summer I toured New Jersey with a travelling centrifugal-force
demonstration.

I bat 400.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international
botany circles.  Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly
accuracy.  I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick and David
Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire
dining room that evening.  I know the exact location of every food
item in the supermarket.  I have performed several covert
operations with the CIA.  I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I
sleep in a chair.  While on vacation in Canada, I successfully
negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small
bakery.  The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid.
On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact
origami.  Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to
write it down.  I have made extraordinary four course meals using
only a mouli and a toaster oven.

I breed prizewinning clams.  I have won bullfights in San Juan,
cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the
Kremlin.

I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I
have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

             
They (ESPN) were showing clips of the press conference held after Mickey
Mantle's liver transplant surgery.  The main doctor was praising the organ
donor, saying that he and his family should be proud about the lives that
were saved at Baylor Hosp today (there were seven organs donated from this
one man, six of which were used in transplants today at Baylor).

A reporter was heard to ask, "Is the donor alive?"  The doctor started to
come up with an answer, then just gave up and laughed.  He tried recomposing
himself, saying it was a serious matter and shouldn't be laughed at, but
he couldn't help it.  Then with other reporters also laughing, he commented,
"You're a sports reporter, aren't you?"

I can't come up with an appropriate sarcastically humorous comment on this.
It's too funny by itself.  Sad in a way because you gotta wonder what he
was thinking, but too funny.  50 bazillion people are listening/watching,
you're embarassed for life...maybe even a soundbite.  Done deal.

             
The temperatures of Heaven and Hell

The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed.  Our
authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as
the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as
the light of seven days."  Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much
as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all.  The light we
receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the
Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will
heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to
the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much
heat as the Earth by radiation.  Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for
radiation, (_H/_E)^4 = 50, where _E is the absolute temperature of the
earth (-300K), gives _H as 798K (525C).  The exact temperature of Hell
cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the
fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which
burneth with fire and brimstone."  A lake of molten brimstone means
that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C.  We
have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
		-- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972

             
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
 
Plato: For the greater good.
 
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
 
Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a
chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but
also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with
such a paragon of avian virtue?  In such a manner is the princely
chicken's dominion maintained.
 
Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its
             pancreas.
 
Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered
within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is
equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because
structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!
 
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find
                      out.
 
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would
               let it take.
 
Douglas Adams: Forty-two.
 
Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes
           also across you.
 
B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its
sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it
would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of
its own free will.
 
Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated
that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and
therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
 
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the
                  chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
 
Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the
objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which
caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
 
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed
                 the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
 
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
 
Buddha: If you meet the chicken on the road, kill it.
 
Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing
events to grace the annals of history.  An historic, unprecedented avian
biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly
relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence
 
Salvador Dali: The Fish.
 
Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
 
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
 
Epicurus: For fun.
 
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
 
Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
 
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
 
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was
                   on, but it was moving very fast.
 
David Hume: Out of custom and habit.
 
Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to.  That's the (censored)
                reason.
 
Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
 
The Sphinx: You tell me.
 
Mr. T: If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too!
 
Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out
                     of life.
 
Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
 
Molly Yard: It was a hen!
 
Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.

             
			Charting Bloopers
		Adele D.S. Mitchell, PhD, RN

	I know that we are often in a hurry and mistakes happen, but I'm
amazed by how some people chart.  I've been collecting chart bloopers by
physicians and nurses for years.  The following were found in a variety of
places; some may have come from your institution.  Can you imagine what
would happen if these notes appeared in court?

1.  Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
2.  On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had
    completely disappeared.
3.  Father died in his 90's of female trouble in his prostate and kidneys.

4.  Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
5.  The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
6.  Vomiting of unknown origin.
7.  New onset chronic comma.
8.  Admitted in error.
9.  Evaluate for progressive ambulation.
10. Diagnosis: Gunshot wound to the head, coma.
11. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should
     sit on the abdomen and I agree.
12. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
13. Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.
14. B-9 Position vertigo.
15. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
16. Vaginal packing out. Doctor in.
17. Dr. Blank is watching his prostate.
18. Patient had bilateral varicosities below the legs.
19. If he squeezes the back of his neck for 4 or 5 years it comes and goes.
20. At the time of onset of pregnancy, the mother was undergoing bronchoscopy.
21. She was treated with Mycostatin oral suppositories.
22. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old white female, mentally alert but
    forgetful.
23. 1 Benign chest removed from the pelvis.
24. Large amount of brown feces expelled.

             
In a Tokyo Hotel:
        Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please.  If you are not a  
        person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
 

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
       The lift is being fixed for the next day.  During that time we 
       regret that you will be unbearable.
 

In a Leipzig elevator:
       Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
 

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
       To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin 
       should enter more persons, each one should press a number of 
       wishing floor.  Driving is then going alphabetically by 
       national order.
 

In a Paris hotel elevator:
       Please leave your values at the front desk.
 

In a hotel in Athens:
       Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the 
       hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
 

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
       The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the 
       chambermaid.
 

In a Japanese hotel:
       You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
 

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox  
monastery:
       You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and 
       Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except 
       Thursday.
 

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
       Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the 
       boots of ascension.
 

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
       Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
 

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
       Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy 
       dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; 
       beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
 

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
       Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
 

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
       Drop your trousers here for best results.
 

Outside a Paris dress shop:
       Dresses for street walking.
 

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
       Order your summers suit.  Because is big rush we will execute 
       customers in strict rotation.
 

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:
       There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet 
       Republic painters and sculptors.  These were executed over the 
       past two years.
 

A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
       It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that 
       people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live 
       together in one tent unless they are married with each other 
       for that purpose.
 

In a Zurich hotel:
       Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the 
       opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be 
       used for this purpose.
 

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
       Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
 

In a Rome laundry:
       Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having 
       a good time.
 

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
       Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no 
       miscarriages.
 

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
       Would you like to ride on your own ass?
 

In a Swiss mountain inn:
       Special today -- no ice cream.
 

In a Bangkok temple:
       It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed 
       as a man.
 

In a Tokyo bar:
       Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
 

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
       We take your bags and send them in all directions.
 

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
       If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to 
       it.
 

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
       Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
 

In a Budapest zoo:
       Please do not feed the animals.  If you have any suitable 
       food, give it to the guard on duty.
 

In the office of a Roman doctor:
       Specialist in women and other diseases.
 

In an Acapulco hotel:
       The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
 

In a Tokyo shop:
       Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are 
       best in the long run.
 

>From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air  
conditioner:
       Cooles and Heates:  If you want just condition of warm in your 
       room, please control yourself.
 

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
       When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.  
       Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles 
       your passage then tootle him with vigor.
 

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
       -   English well talking.
       -   Here speeching American.

             
Okay, for those of you who haven't heard "Synapse Connection", here it 
is. Remember, it is sung to the tune of "Rainbow Connection".

Why are there so many
nerves in the cortex?
They're meant to do this and that.
Most people's brainwaves 
are rather wavy.
Mine always seem to be flat.
The world's full of doctors and scholars and lawyers.
That's not what I'm meant to be.
Some day I'll find it.
The Synapse connection.
The brainless, the stupid, and me.
La-de-da-de-da-da-dum-la-da-de-da-da-de-da-day.

Some say that ignorance 
makes people happy.
I've got a smile on my face.
It's as if somebody 
took out my brain cells
and put oatmeal in it's place.
Now there's a doctor who says he can help me
with just a lebotomy.
Maybe he'll find it,
my Synapse connection.
The morons, the bone-heads, and me.
La-de-da-de-da-da-dum-la-da-de-da-da-de-da
da-de-da
da-de-da
da-de-da (someone hit the record player! It's stuck!)
(no, the singer's stuck!)
(oh.)

             
  Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't
  drink and drive?

  Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

  Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

  Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of
  parachutes

  Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited
  there?

  Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

  Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

  How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the
  mornings?

  If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there
  locks on the doors?

  If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

  If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick
  the pan?

  If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it
  from a height, what would happen?

  If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when
  you turn on the headlights?

  You know how most packages say  Open here .  What is the
  protocol if the package says,  Open somewhere else ?

  Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

  Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

  Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a
  shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called
  cargo?

  You know that little indestructible black box that is used on
  planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same
  substance?

  Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you
  turn down the volume on the radio?

             
  Did you know who in 1923 was:

  1.  President of the largest steel company?
  2.  President of the largest gas company?
  3.  President of the New York Stock Exchange?
  4.  Greatest wheat speculator?
  5.  President of the Bank of International Settlement?
  6.  Great Bear of Wall Street?

  These men should have been considered some of the world's most
  successful men.  At least they found the secret of making money.

  Now more than 55 years later, do you know what has become of these
  men?

  1.    The President of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab,
          died a pauper.

  2.    The President of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, is
          insane.

  3.    The President of the N.Y.S.E., Richard Whitney, was released
          from prison to die at home.

  4.    The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad,
          penniless.

  5.    The President of the Bank of International Settlement shot
          himself.

  6.    The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Rivermore, died of
        suicide.

  The same year, 1923, the winner of the most important golf
  championship, Gene Sarazan, won the U.S. Open and PGA
  Tournaments.  Today he is still playing golf and is solvent.

  CONCLUSION:  STOP WORRYING ABOUT BUSINESS AND START
  PLAYING GOLF

             
A teacher forwarded this list of comments from test papers, essays, etc., 
submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior 
high, high school, and college students.  As she noted, "It is truly 
astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the 
pressures of time and grades." 
 
 "H2O is hot water, and CO2  is cold water." 
 
 "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test 
tube." 
 
"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide." 
 
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.  Oxygin is pure gin. 
Hydrogin is gin and water." 
 
 "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and 
caterpillars." 
 
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other." 
 
 "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and 
 then expectoration." 
 
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader." 
 
"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of 
the bull." 
 
 "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and 
makes them perspire." 
 
"A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold." 
 
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas." 
 
 "The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects." 
 
 "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and 
the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something
to hitch meat to." 
 
 "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two 
molars, and eight cuspidors." 
 
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends 
towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a 
vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight." 
 
 "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it 
is." 
 
 "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa." 
 
 "Germinate: To become a naturalized German." 
 
 "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat." 
 
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away." 
 
 "Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky." 
 
"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot." 
 
"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives." 
 
 "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative 
or negative." 
 
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose." 
 
 "For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart 
stops." 
 
"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not 
recovered, then kill it." 
 
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your 
throat." 
 
 "To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow." 
 

             
 Would the invention of the telephone ever have gotten off the ground if
 Alexander Graham Bell's first call had gone ...

 Bell:  Mr. Watson, come here; I want you.
 Voice: If you know Watson's extension, press 1 now. If you would like to
 leave a message for Watson, press 2 now ...

   The telephone, which was satisfied for a century or so simply placing and
 receiving calls, has become a different animal in recent years. These days
 everybody has an answering machine, a speakerphone, and a slew of other
 telecommunication doodads. Call waiting, Caller ID, and last number redial
 are fine, but here are some options that can't be far behind:

 ON-HOLD DISRUPT. When someone puts you on hold for more than 15 seconds, a
 digitized voice blares over their speakerphone, "Hey! Remember me? I don't
 have all day!" This option also shorts out Muzak if it's being played.

 CALL SCHMOOZING. Stuck listening to a long-winded acquaintance? Call
 Schmoozing activates a speech-synthesized voice that sounds just like you
 and repeats, "Uh-huh ... I see ... right" while the other party babbles on.
 They think you're hanging on every word, when you're actually getting some
 work done.

 CALL SCHMOOZING PLUS. Your phone places call to important contacts, trades
 pleasantries, probes for career-enhancing information, and ends by saying,
 "You're beautiful. Let's do lunch. Don't ever change."

 GOSSIP NOTIFICATION. Company rumors are automatically broadcast to selected
 voice mailboxes. Time once wasted circulating gossip translates into
 increased productivity.

 CALL TERMINATE. Imagine being able to fire troublesome employees just by
 dialing their numbers! An excellent feature for executives with poor
 confrontation skills.

 NETWORK EAVESDROP. A must for the paranoid manager. Whenever anyone in the
 company mentions your name during a phone conversation, a voice- activated
 tape recorder stores the call so you can review it later and hear what
 people say about you.

 SELECTIVE CALL DISCOURAGING. Program the numbers of people you _really_
 don't want to speak with. When they dial your number, your phone transmits a
 mild electric shock through their receivers.

 CELLULAR CRANK CALL. On command, your car phone can dial any other car
 phone within a 30-mile radius and tell the driver his muffler looks as
 though it's about to fall off.

 CALL REMINDING. Store the birthdays and anniversaries of loved ones in your
 telephone's memory. On the appropriate days, the phone automatically calls
 them and relays heartfelt sentiments in a digitized voice resembling yours.

 CALL INTERRUPT. When you need to end a conversation quickly, a button on
 your phone causes a fake operator to break in and announce that you have an
 emergency call on the line from Steve Jobs.

 SUBLIMINA-CALL. Periodically during a conversation, the phone plays
 subliminal messages to the other party, such as "Say yes" and "Increase my
 department's budget."

 CHARGE FORWARDING. A quick push of a button charges any long-distance call
 to the person you're calling or to friends who don't look too closely at
 their phone bills.

             
The following is a collection of "actual excuse notes
from parents (including spelling)" from the Office of
Educational Assessment at the University of Washington.

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E.
today.Please  execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent.She was sick and I
had her shot.

Dear School:Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28,
29, 30, 31,32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today.  She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E.  for a few days.  Yesterday
he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out
of his Face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football.
He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been
bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school.  He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday.He had
diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being.  It was his father's fault.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We
forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we
found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to
attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She
spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday.  He had a
cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in
bed with gramps.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever,
sore throat, headache and upset stomach.  Her sister was also
sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever
and ached all over.  I wasn't the best either, sore throat and
fever.  There must be something going around, her father even
got hot last night.

             
                   YOU AND YOUR BOSS:
                   -----------------
     
     
     
  When you take a long time you're slow.
   When your boss takes a long time he's thorough.
     
  When you don't do it you're lazy.
   When your boss doesn't do it he's too busy.
     
  When you make a mistake you're an idiot.
   When your boss makes a mistake he's only human.
     
  When you're doing something without being told you're 
  overstepping your authority.
   When your boss does the same thing that's initiative.
     
  When you take a stand you're being bullheaded.
   When your boss does it he's being firm.
     
  When you overlook the rule of etiquette you're being rude.
   When your boss skips a few rules he's being original.
     
  When you please your boss you're arse-creeping.
   When your boss pleases his boss he's being co-operative.
     
  When you get ahead you get the breaks.
   When your boss gets ahead that's because he's so clever.
     
  When you're out off the office you're wandering around.
   When your boss is out of the office he's on business.
     
  When you have one too many drinks at a social you're a 
  drunken bum.
   When your boss does the same he's being social.
     
  When you look at a woman with interest you're a sex maniac.
   When your boss does the same he appreciates women.
     
  When you're a day off sick you're always sick.
   When your boss is a day off sick he must be very ill.
     
  When you apply for leave you don't need it because you 
  never do any work.
   When your boss applies for leave he deserves the break 
   because he's so overworked.
     

                  
 
       A Beer Drinker's Troubleshooting Manual
 
       SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is
       unusually pale and clear.
       FAULT:   Glass empty.
       ACTION:  Find someone who will buy you another beer.
 
       SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front
       of your shirt is wet.
       FAULT:   Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part
       of face.
       ACTION:  Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror.  Drink as
       many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
 
       SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
       FAULT:   Glass being held at incorrect angle.
       ACTION:  Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward
       ceiling.
 
       SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
       FAULT:   Improper bladder control.
       ACTION:  Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the
       owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as
       compensation.

       SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
       FAULT:   You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION:  Find
       someone who will buy you another beer.
 
       SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
       FAULT:   Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in
       progress.
       ACTION:  Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
 
       SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
       FAULT:   You are being carried out.
       ACTION:  Find out if you are being taken to another bar.  If not,
       complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.
 
       SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent
       light strip across it.
       FAULT:   You have fallen over backward.
       ACTION:  If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking
       arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up; lash self to
       bar.
 
       SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
       FAULT:   You have fallen forward.
       ACTION:  See above.
 
       SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
       FAULT:   The Bar is closing.
       ACTION:  Panic.
 
       SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet.  You cannot
       see anything in your bedroom.
       FAULT:   You have spent the night in the gutter.
       ACTION:  Check your watch to see if bars are open yet.  If not, treat
       yourself to a lie-in.
 

              
Let's face it -- English is a crazy language.  There is no egg in
eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England [really?] or French fries
in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't
sweet, are meat.
 
 We take English for granted.  But if we explore its paradoxes,
 we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a
 guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
 
 And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers
 don't groce and hammers don't ham?  If the plural of tooth is teeth,
 why isn't the plural of booth beeth?  One goose, 2 geese.  So one
 moose, 2 meese?  One index, 2 indices?
 
 Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one
 amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal?
 If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of
 them, what do you call it?
 
 If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught?  If a vegetarian
 eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?  If you wrote a letter,
 perhaps you bote your tongue?
 
 Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to
 an asylum for the verbally insane.  In what language do people recite>
 at a play and play at a recital?  Ship by truck and send cargo by
 ship?  Have noses that run and feet that smell?
 
 How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise
 man and wise guy are opposites?  How can overlook and oversee be
 opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?  How can the
 weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another.
 
 Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they
 are absent?  Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful
 gown?  Met a sung hero or experienced requited love?  Have you ever
 run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And
 where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would
 ACTUALLY hurt a fly?
 
 You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
 house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by
 filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
 
 English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
 creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at
 all).  That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when
 the lights are out, they are invisible.  And why, when I wind up my
 watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
 
 I might add that English is also unique in letting one not only park on the 
 driveway and drive on the parkway, but also park in the drive and drive in 
 the park.

             
Hamilton, on the asteroid named after the late Grateful Dead founder
Jerry Garcia:  "Nothing's changed.  It's followed around by thousands of
burned-out fragments just looking for a place to crash for the night."

             
Heeeelllloooo there!!!!!

 Today's wonderful topic is, like the header says, crime. Every day, we are
assaulted by stories of stupid people--many of whom use their stupidity for
personal gain. Hopefully one day science will have a way to help society by
making people like this stop breeding.

                 Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame

From time to time, though, we hear of those who strive to achieve new 
levels of stupidity *while* also breaking the law. To these brave men 
and women--ooops, "women and men"--we present the highest possible 
honor: entry into the "Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame." 

Following are their accounts ...

Kentucky (where else?): Two men tried to pull the front off a cash 
machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their 
pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, 
though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the 
scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With 
their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license 
plate still attached to the bumper. (Editor's Note 1: And they wonder 
why we call them "Yahoos" ...) 

South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag 
of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was 
substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be 
arrested immediately. 

Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded 
all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he 
fled--leaving his wallet on the counter. 

England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, showed up at 
customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the 
customs official realized that the tourist did not know what a 
"handicap" was. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his 
swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics were 
found in the golf bag. 

Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman 
decided that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day 
Cleopatra). So she stole a camel from the local zoo (where *else* can 
you find a camel when you need one?) and transported it back to her 
house--where she realized that the camel's name was "Otto." 

Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western
movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman who
wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.

Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in 
damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided 
the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years. 

(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, 
announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and 
realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask. 

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and 
stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was 
recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located 
elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself 
stealing the camera.) 

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement 
through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the 
process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from 
where he was,(2) he could not climb back out the window through which he 
had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone 
and dialed "911" for help... 

Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new home site to steal a 
refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a 
refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The 
truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided 
that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, 
etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house and returned to the 
pickup truck only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so 
they abandoned it. 

(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store 
similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. 
When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked 
for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The 
man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the 
counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen 
dollars. 

             
"Achtung, fanboy!  This is the Head Weasel here, with a word on the
weather, so put down that bheer.  The word on the weather is 'snow.' For
those who have no TVs, lucky ones though you are, there is a really big,
futher-mucking nor'easter that is headed this way.  As this is winter (you
know this unless exceptionally dense, or you are Newt Gingrich), this
storm means much, much, much snow.  Virginia has declared a "State
Emergency"...which is stupid, since Virginia's a Commonwealth.  A "state
emergency" for Virginia apparently means that Virginian drivers will be
*even worse* than usual, which I didn't ever think possible.  On a related
note to Virginians -- Commonwealth-administered driver's lobotomies will
not be performed tomorrow due to the weather conditions." 

"Anyway, on to the forecast.  Tonight, the forecast is for snow, mixing
with snow and more snow towards morning.  Some local snow is possible. 
Tomorrow, the snow will change over to *all* snow be4 giving way to snow
with continued periods of snow which will continue into Monday.  The highs
and lows will be unknown, since we can't find the thermometer underneath
all this stuff." 

"Remember, if you are in the southern suburbs -- say, Key West -- you 
will likely not receive any snow.  Everybody else is about to get 
buried.  Panic immediately.  Run out and buy milk, bread, and toilet 
paper.  After doing so, take all three out to your snow-covered driveway 
and email Susano, God of Destruction, for further instructions."

"Barring that, run around in tight circles with your hands in the air, 
screaming.  This will not help your situation directly in the slightest, 
but hearing about it will give us a great laugh and help us relax."

             
  from the British "Book of Heroic Failures" by Stephen Pile

  THE WORST HOMING PIGEON

  This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was
  expected to reach its base that evening. It was returned by post, dead,
  in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil.

  THE WORST ANIMAL RESCUE

  During the firemen's strike of 1978, the British Army had taken over
  emergency fire fighting and on 14 January they were called out by an
  elderly lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become
  trapped up a tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon
  discharged their duty. So grateful was the lady that she invited
  them all in for tea. Driving off later, with fond
  farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed it.

  THE WORST HIJACKING

  We shall never know the identity of the man who in 1976 made the most
  unsuccessful hijack attempt ever. On a flight across America, he rose
  from his seat, drew a gun and took the stewardess hostage.

  "Take me to Detroit," he demanded.

  "We're already going to Detroit," she replied.

  "Oh... good," he said, and sat down again.

  THE WORST BANK ROBBERY

  In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of
  Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors.
  They had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone,
  sheepishly left the building.

  A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of
  robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them. When they
  demanded 5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them,
  convinced that it was a practical joke.

  Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor
  clutching his ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway,
  but got trapped in the revolving doors again.

             
Laws of the movies


1) Good guys always shoot better than bad guys.

2) Good guys are always outnumbered.

3) Good guys always win and get the girl.

4) Good guys are always good looking.

5) Good guys are the only ones with a sense of humor.

6) Good guys will only get shot in the arm or leg.

7) Nothing cures the blues like killing 30 or 40 bad guys.

8) Good guys don't take drugs.

9) Heros wear clothes that dirt can't stick to.

10) Ugly people are always bad guys.

11) Bad guys will make elaborate inventions to kill the good guys,

    but they will never stick around to see if it works.

12) The bad guy chickens out first.

13) The police are smart.

14) Police never wait for back-up.

15) Undercover cops are too good to be spotted, especially when wearing

    dark sunglasses.

16) All police killings are in self-defense.

17) Police chases must include a car going through a plate glass window.

18) Car wheels screech on any corner, even on dirt.

19) After being shot, there is always enough time to escape.

20) The chances of getting into an accident increases proportionally

    as the car goes slower.

21) Burglar alarm system's connection box is on the outside wall.

22) Private detective work is glamorous.

23) Cars will explode in all accidents.

24) Court cases are all solved with a surprise witness.

25) Teenagers who have sex are destined to die in grotesque ways.

26) Teenagers are always smarter than their parents.

27) High School students look thirty years old.

28) The suburbs are exciting.

29) Cream pies are made to be thrown, never eaten.

30) All Chinese people know Karate.

31) Indians make good fodder.

32) All baseball games will be won with a home run in the bottom of the ninth

    with two outs and the bases loaded.

33) Everybody wins in Las Vegas.

34) Nobody has time to watch TV.

35) Nobody ever has trouble finding parking spots when they are in a hurry.

36) Housework is never needed.

37) Street vendor's carts are magnetically attracted to high-speed

    car chases.

38) everyone knows how to pick a lock with one tool.

39) The last 5 minutes of any TV show will expain the entire plot.

40) The last 5 minutes will be stretched out for 20 minutes with commercials.

41) In case of emergency, speak in cliches'.

42) 95 pound women in tight skirts can throw around 300 pound muscle-bound 
men.

43) Fist-fights don't result un bruises.

44) Helicopters are attracted to mountains.

45) No one ever mumbles, stutters, or says "um..."

46) people normally wake up in the morning with make-up on.

47) There are no really ugly women, only really ugly men.

48) If a women is running away from someone she will trip and fall.

49) Your car will always start immediately unless you are being chased by a 

    maniacal killer or a monster of genetic creation.

50) Crazed maniacs have super-human strength.

51) Everyone has a "dark" secret.

52) Haunted houses are never locked.

53) Murders will always be accompanied by sinister music.

54) Rich people are unhappy.

55) Thunderstorms spontaneously create murders.

56) When someone is dead or dying, there will be a trickle of blood from

    the corner of their mouth.

57) Christmas Eve and Halloween night last for three of four days.

58) Midnight happens more than once in a monster movie.

59) To kill a vampire, you must set out 5 minutes before sunset.

60) Nobody ever realizes until the end of a monster movie, that everyone

    that went into tht dark cellar never came out.

61) The group always splits up to look for the alien.

62) Movies based on true stories are always made up.

63) Computers never crash.

        a) Teenagers can access any computer by using their home PC.

        b) Computers know everything.

        c) You must type frantically to keep a 3-D image moving on

           the screen.

64) In the end, all resource limitations are overruled.

             
 Dear Dad,
 
 $chool i$ really great.  I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very
 hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if
 you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from
 you.
 
 Love,
 Your $on.
 
 =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 Dear Son,
 
 I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even
 an hoNOr student busy.  Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a
 NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
 
 Love,
 Dad

             
IMPORTANT BREAKING SESAME STREET NEWS!

   NEW YORK (AP) -- Big Bird, the famed friendly muppet of Sesame Street,
   has apparently gone on a rampage. Several muppets are known to be
   dead; including Prarie Dawn, Oscar the Grouch, and Bert -- long time
   friend, room- mate, and occasional lover of Ernie. The bird is now
   reportedly holding Maria hostage in a five floor tenement near
   Hooper's Store. New York City Police SWAT teams have surrounded the
   building.
   
   NEW YORK (AP) -- Big Bird, Sesame Street muppet, is reported dead at
   this hour after an hour-and-a-half hostage standoff with New York City
   Police. Kermit-The-Frog, Sesame Street Muppet on the scene, reports
   that as police stormed the five story tenament building where the bird
   was holding Maria hostage, Big Bird flew out an upper story window at
   them in a Kamikaze-like attack. Police SWAT units brought down the
   bird in a hail of automatic weapons fire. Dead are: Prairie Dawn,
   Oscar the Grouch, Bert, and Big Bird. There is no information
   available concerning Maria.
   
   NEW YORK (AP) -- The Professor and his assistant, Beaker, muppet
   chemists, have reportedly found angel dust in Big Bird's feed. Big
   Bird was killed by Police early this morning after the bird went on a
   killing spree on Sesame Street. Maria, taken hostage during the
   ordeal, has survived unharmed. Three muppets were killed by the bird:
   Prarie Dawn (a friendly, pig-tailed muppet girl-child), Oscar the
   Grouch (a green garbage-can dwelling grumpy muppet) and Bert (the
   famous gay paper clip collector and pigeon friend). Authorities in the
   area report that the bad seed was purchased at the local Hooper's.
   
    NEW YORK (AP) -- Police are asking all motorists and humans to stay
   away from Sesame Street today as tensions are running high among the
   muppets. Many reportedly are outraged at the tainted food supply and
   at how the police handled the hostage situation. According to
   bystanders on the scene at the time, Mr. Snuffalupagus pleaded with
   police to be allowed to talk Big Bird down. Instead, police stormed
   the building with deadly results. Ernie is said to be despondent at
   the loss of his good buddy Bert.
   
   NEW YORK (AP) -- Violence erupted again on Sesame Street at five
   o'clock this afternoon. As thousands of humans driving home took a
   sightseeing tour of the scene of Big Bird's deadly rampage, muppets
   became enraged. Hundreds of muppets, large and small, stalked the
   streets and surrounded humans in their cars. In at least one case, ten
   muppets pulled a motorist from his car and beat him with large,
   styrofome letters. Police again arrived on the scene in force. At this
   hour, quiet is restored -- but tensions are very high.
   
    NEW YORK (AP) -- Police and fire units have been called to Sesame
   Street. Reporters on the scene describe a nightmarish atmosphere.
   Furry muppets ranging in size from only inches to seven feet in height
   are looting Hooper's Store and firebombing the entire neighborhood.
   Orange and blue firelight is rising over many buildings. Cardboard
   backdrops, props, and storehouses full of numbers and letters are
   burning to the ground. Muppets are taunting firemen and police from
   windows high above the street with counting and alphabet songs.
   
    NEW YORK (AP) -- Morning light has brought an eerie calm to Sesame
   Street after a night of rioting. Smoke rises from most buildings. On
   the street, lifeless, crumpled fur lies in mute testiment of the night
   of wild outrage. Unknown numbers of muppets have died or been shot to
   death by Police in full riot gear. Here and there, a muppet--still
   animated with life--can be seen staring at the wreckage, or sweeping
   vacantly at the rubble. The Count was reported running down the street
   crying and yelling, :"Ten, Ten Lifeless Mupput Bodies!" No humans were
   killed in the rioting, although several people reported rug-burns.
   
   NEW YORK (AP) -- Ernie, gay friend and roommate of the murdered muppet
   Bert, broke his two day silence today with a eulogy address at a mass
   muppet funeral. The following is the complete transcript of his
   address:
   
   I come here today to honor a man I loved. A man who was loved by
   millions thoughout the world. Bert was a giant among muppets. His
   paper-clip collection was viewed with awe by many of the world's
   leaders. Just one year ago, as President Clinton campaigned on Sesame
   Street for the muppet vote, it was Bert who everone turned to for
   advice. It was Bert who told us all, "anyone who can hang as many
   paperclips together as Bill Clinton, can certainly run the country."
   
   I also come here today to honor Big Bird. Bird was such a loving
   creature. His large size and bright color alarmed many who first met
   him, but it was his innocent and curious nature which taught us all to
   love him. Bird wouldn't have wanted us to remember him, or to
   memorialize him, with violence. All he ever wanted was for all
   creatures to "just get along" with each other. Big Bird has come to a
   bad end, friends, but is wasn't his fault. It was just some bad seed.

             
Theories

Carl Zwanzig: "Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark
side, and it holds the universe together...."

Douglas Adams: "There is a theory which states that if ever anybody 
discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will 
instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and 
inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already 
happened."

Albert Einstein: "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human
stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

Unknown: "Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting
thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things."

Edward P. Tryon: "In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer
the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which
happen from time to time."

John Andrew Holmes: "It is well to remember that the entire universe,
with one trifling exception, is composed of others."

Max Frisch: "Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that
man doesn't have to experience it."

Kilgore Trout: "The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest."

Woody Allen: "I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe
when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."

Douglas Adams: "In the beginning the Universe was created. This has
made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."

William J. Broad: "The crux... is that the vast majority of the mass
of the universe seems to be missing."

Rich Cook: "Programming today is a race between software engineers
striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe
trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is
winning."

Fred Hoyle: "There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't
know what it's a plan for."

Ray Bradbury: "We are an impossibility in an impossible universe."

Christopher Morley: "My theology, briefly, is that the universe was
dictated but not signed."

Edward Chilton: "I'm worried that the universe will soon need
replacing. It's not holding a charge."

Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson): "The surest sign that intelligent
life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to
contact us."

             
Hoping that my boss won't read this, let it be known that I really do not
like to work . . . I like to be compensated . . . but work . . . well.    I
haven't actually tried any of these excuse, but I could . . .

1. If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told
me to clean all the guns today. 

2. My stigmata's acting up. 

3. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss,
who fired me for not showing up for work. OK? 

4. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that
deadline to meet... 

5. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey,
how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No,
no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thanks for calling. 

6. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb. 

7. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come
to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information. 

8. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this
jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled. 

9. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her
to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace.
One day should do it. 

10. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian. 

             
        When I was young and innocent I hadn't any cares,
        And I only played when times were tame,
        But then the Gamer called to me and showed me all his wares,
        And I fell and was absorbed into the game.

        Yes I was young and innocent and didn't understand
        How soon I would begin to rue this day.
        He whispered from the shadows and beckoned with his hand,
        And foolishly I paused to hear him say:

        CHORUS
                Do you want to buy Magic cards, gamer friend?
                I think you'll find their glow will never end.
                In fact, they're rather nice, so just take my advice --
                You want to buy Magic cards, gamer friend

        I told myself, "Now what harm could a few cards ever be?"
        And I bought a couple packs for my own,
        For surely of the decks I'd need no more than two or three,
        And then I'd stop and leave the rest alone.

        But I was missing a few rare cards, now what was I to do?
        I went searching for the Gamer full of fear.
        I found him late one evening in a noisy, crowded room;
        He tapped a card and whispered in my ear:

        CHORUS

        Now the only things I care for are those tiny printed cards
        And to play with fellow addicts late at night,
        And all my friends now chase me away from their homes and yards,
        And I'm rarely seen without my cards in sight.

        But sometimes I have ventured from those dens of cards and sin,
        Back into the world that I once had known.
        For I must support my habit, and my wallet's getting thin,
        And I've turned to selling Magic cards of my own.

        CHORUS

             
 A number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing
Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Katims...

 At this point, you must understand two things:
 (1) There's a long segment in this symphony where the bass
violins don't have a thing to do.  Not a single note for page
after page.


 (2) There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400 right across the
street from the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local
musicians.

 It had been decided that during this performance, after the bass
players had played their parts in the opening of the Ninth, they
were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage
rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for
twenty minutes.

 Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot
across the street and quaff a few brews.  After they had downed
the first couple rounds, one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back?
It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were late."

 Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the
first place, replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little
more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the
conductor's score.  When he gets down to there, Milton's going to
have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one
hand and fumbles with the string with the other."

 So they had another round and finally returned to the Opera
House, a little tipsy by now.  However, as they came back on
stage, one look at their conductor's face told them they were in
serious trouble.

 Katims was furious! And why not? After all...

 It was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, and the
basses were loaded.

Here are some excerpts from the _Quarterly Review of Doublespeak_ (NCTE)...


  A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor
recorded the following on the patient's chart:  "Patient failed to
fulfill his wellness potential."

  Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the *American Journal
of Family Practice* fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors."

  The letter from the Air Force colonel in charge of safety said that
rocket boosters weighing more than 300,000 pounds "have an explosive
force upon surface impact that is sufficient to exceed the accepted
overpressure threshhold of physiological damage for exposed personnel."
In other words, if a 300,000-pound booster rocket falls on someone, he or
she is not likely to survive.

  A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti-
personnel devices."  You probably call them bombs.

  At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian
mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status."  That is, they were
fired.

  A personal ad from an unidentified mewspaper announces that a "formerly
single man" seeks a single or married woman.

  After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls
of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call
it) only to receive the following notice:  "We must report that during
the handling of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were
involved in an unusual laboratory experience."  The use of the passive is a
particularly nice touch, don't you think?  Nobody did anything to the
films; they just had a bad experience.  Of course our reader can always
go back to Tibet and take his pictures all over again, using the twelve
replacement rolls Kodak so generously sent him.

  The description on the package of Stouffer's Veal Tortellini with
Tomato Sauce says it contains "exquisite egg pasta."  The list of
ingredients, however, includes "cooked noodle product."

 In St. Louis there is an oriental rug store that advertises "semi-antique"
rugs.

  The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all
students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school
graduation.


  Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's
recognition of the sanctity of human life."

  According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22,
1987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a "family farm."  Their
"farm" has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year.  But as a
"family farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year.

  Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of
Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers."
You probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government
agency.

  It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore.  Now it's "chrono-
logically experienced citizens."

  According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was
just a case of "uncontained blade liberation."

             
The following is from the British Sunday Express giving Gongs (medals) for
dubious distinctions in 1992.

Tortoise Trophy

British Rail, which ingeniously solved the problem of lateness in the InterCity
express train service by redefining "on time" to include trains arriving
within one
hour of schedule.

Rubber Cushion

John Bloor who mistook a tube of superglue for his haemorrhoid cream and
glued his buttocks together

Crimewatch Cup

Gold star: Henry Smith, arrested moments after returning home with a stolen
stereo. His error was having tatooed on his forehead in large capital
letters the
words "Henry Smith". His lawyer told the court:"My client is not a very bright
young man".

Silver star: Michael Robinson, who rang police to deliver a bomb hoax, but
became so agitated about the mounting cost of the call that he began screaming
"Call me back" and left his phone number.

Bronze star: Paul Monkton, who used as his getaway vehicle a van with his name
and phone number painted in foot-high letters on the side.

British Cup

To passengers on a jam-packed train from Margate to Victoria who averted their
eyes while John Henderson and Zoe D'Arcy engaged in oral sex and then moved
onto intercourse, but complained when they lit up post-coitus cigarettes in a
non-smoking compartment.

Flying Cross

To Percy the Pigeon, who flopped down exhausted in a Sheffield loft having
beaten 1,000 rivals in a 500 mile race and was immediately eaten by a cat.
The 90
minute delay in finding his remains and handing his identification tag to the
judges relegated Percy from first to third place.

Lazarus Laurel

To Julia Carson who as her tearful family gathereed round her coffin in a New
York funeral parlour, sat bolt upright and asked what the hell was going on.
Celebrations were short lived since Mrs. Carlson's daughter, Julie, immediately
dropped dead from shock.

Silver Bullet

To poacher Marino Malerba who shot dead a stag standing above him on an
overhanging rock,and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

             
YOU MIGHT BE AN E.R. NURSE IF ........

You believe that 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm...

Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to
you...

You believe a good tape job will fix anything...

You have the bladder capacity of five people...

You can identify the positive teeth to tattoo ratio...

Your idea of a good time is a full arrest at shift change...

You find humor in other people's stupidity...

You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac...

You disbelieve 90% of what you are told and 75% of what you see...

You have your weekends off planned for a year in advance...

When a patient presents with a list of 30 allergies to meds and you
automatically assume they are a drug seeker and that their doctor is from
out of town...

Your idea of comforting a child includes placing them in a papoose
restraint...

You encourage an obnoxious patient to sign out AMA so you don't have to
deal with them any longer...
[AMA = Against Medical Advice]

You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be a recognized diagnosis...

You have discovered a new condition that you call "hypo-xanax-emia"...
[xanax is indicated for the management of anxiety, i.e., need to administer
more xanax.]

You believe that the government should require a permit to reproduce...

You plan what you are going to have for dinner while performing gastric
lavage...
[gastric lavage is a stomach pump]

You believe that "ask-a-nurse" is an evil plot thought up by Satan...

You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if the phrase "wow, it's
really quiet" is uttered...

You refer to Friday as NH Dump Day and you don't mean New Hampshire...

Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than most
computers...

You believe chocolate is a food group...

You take it as a compliment when someone calls you dirty name...

You are prone to complimenting complete strangers on their great veins when
you are out in public...

You have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the eternal care
unit...

You don't think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate...

You have ever referred to someone's death as a celestial transfer...

You have ever answered a "lost condom" phone call...

You refer to someone in severe respiratory distress as a "smurf"...

Your idea of a good time is dueling shock rooms...

You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide...Doing It
Right"...

You feel that most suicide attempts should be given a free subscription to
"Guns and Ammo" magazine...

You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a nursing diagnosis...

You have ever had to leave a patient's room before you begin to laugh
uncontrollably...

You have ever wanted to reply "yes" when someone calls and asks "Is my
(husband, wife, mother, brother, friend, etc.) there?"...

You have ever issued a "dead head" alert...

You have ever referred to the E.R. Doc or triage nurse as a "shit
magnet"...

Your favorite hallucinogenic is exhaustion...

You think that caffeine should be available in I.V. form...

You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience...

Your most common assessment question is "what changed tonight to make it an
emergency after 6 (hours, days, weeks, months, years)?"...

You have witnessed the charge nurse muttering down the hallway "who's in
charge of this mess anyway?"...
[yes, the charge nurse is in charge]

You refer to vegetables and are not talking about a food group...

You have ever used the phrase "health care reform" to instill fear into
your coworkers' hearts...

You believe the waiting room should be equipped with a valium fountain...

You play poker by betting ectopics on EKG strips...
[ectopics are irregularities who could be indicator of an impending cardiac
arrest.  They come in groups such trigimenys, which are three of a kind]

You believe a "supreme being consult" is your patients only hope...

You want lab to order a "dumb shit profile"...

You are totally astounded when someone from a NH is understandable...

You have been exposed to so many x-rays that you consider radiation a form
of birth control...

You believe your patient is demonically possessed...

You have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say "I have no
idea how that got stuck in there"...

You believe that waiting room time should be proportional to length of time
from symptom onset ("you've had the pain for three weeks...well have a seat
in the waiting room and we'll get to you in three days")...

             
                        Freud on Seuss
                  a book review by Josh LeBeau

(from The Koala, UCSD's humor newspaper, which has no
 copyright notices in it anywhere)

_The Cat in the Hat_
 by Dr. Seuss, 61 pages.  Beginner Books, $3.95

 The Cat in the Hat is a hard-hitting novel of prose and poetry
 in which the author re-examines the dynamic rhyming schemes and
 bold imagery of some of his earlier works, most notably _Green
 Eggs and Ham_, _If I Ran the Zoo_, and _Why Can't I Shower With
 Mommy?_  In this novel, Theodore Geisel, writing under the
 pseudonym Dr. Seuss, pays homage to the great Dr. Sigmund Freud
 in a nightmarish fantasy of a renegade feline helping two young
 children understand their own frustrated sexuality.

 The story opens with two youngsters, a brother and a sister,
 abandoned by their mother, staring mournfully through the window
 of their single-family dwelling.  In the foreground, a large
 tree/phallic symbol dances wildly in the wind, taunting the
 children and encouraging them to succumb to the sexual yearnings
 they undoubtedly feel for each other.  Even to the most unlearned
 reader, the blatant references to the incestuous relationship the
 to share set the tone for Seuss' probing examination of the
 satisfaction of primitive needs.  The Cat proceeds to charm the
 wary youths into engaging in what he so innocently refers to as
 "tricks."   At this point, the fish, an obvious Christ figure who
 represents the prevailing Christian morality, attempts to warn
 the children, and thus, in effect, warns all of humanity of the
 dangers associated with the unleashing of the primal urges.
 In response to this, the cat proceeds to balance the aquatic
 naysayer on the end of his umbrella, essentially saying, "Down
 with morality; down with God!"

 After pooh-poohing the righteous rantings of the waterlogged
 Christ figure, the Cat begins to juggle several icons of
 Western culture, most notably two books, representing the
 Old and New Testaments, and a saucer of lactal fluid, an
 ironic reference to maternal loss the two children experienced
 when their mother abandoned them "for the afternoon."  Our
 heroic Id adds to this bold gesture a rake and a toy man, and
 thus completes the Oedipal triangle.

 Later in the novel, Seuss introduces the proverbial Pandora's
 box, a large red crate out of which the Id releases Thing One,
 or Freud's concept of Ego, the division of the psyche that
 serves s the conscious mediator between the person and reality,
 and Thing Two, the Superego which functions to reward and punish
 through a system of moral attitudes, conscience, and guilt.
 Referring to this box, the Cat says, "Now lok at this trick.
 Take a look!"  In this, Dr. Seuss uses the children as a brilliant
 metaphor for the reader, and asks the reader to re-examine his
 own inner self.

 The children, unable to control the Id, Ego, and Superego allow
 these creatures to run free and mess up the house, or more
 symbolically, control their lives.  This rampage continues until
 the fish, or Christ symbol, warns that the mother is returning
 to reinstate the Oedipal triangle that existed before her
 abandonment of the children.  At this point, Seuss introduces
 a many-armed cleaning device which represents the psychoanalytic
 couch, which proceeds to put the two youngsters' lives back in
 order.

 With powerful simplicity, clarity, and drama, Seuss reduces
 Freud's concepts on the dynamics of the human psyche to an
 easily understood gesture.  Dr. Seuss' oetry and choice of
 words is equally impressive and serves as a splendid counterpart
 to his bold symbolism.  In all, his writing style is quick and
 fluid, making _The Cat in the Hat_ impossible to put down.
 While this novel is 61 pages in length, and one can read it
 in five minutes or less, it is not until after multiple readings
 that the genius of this modern day master becomes apparent.

             
Sung to the theme of ``Tiny Toon Adventures''

   We're slimey, we're squishy, we're all a little fishy,
   and in this adventure we'll be feasting on your brains.
   We're abysmal creatures, with gross horrific features.
   In Cthuloid adventures, lose alot of sanity.
   So here's Miskatonic U. where all the creatures dwell,
   take a look at a mythos book and find yourself in hell.
   Your guns aren't defective, they just aren't real effective.
   Our feast of human flesh and souls is about to start.
   Your magic, and voodo will not stop Great Cthulhu.
   Don't eat with the Tchoo Tchoo, and the Migo steal your brain!
   Here's Narly, Tsathoggua, over there's Cthugha,
   don't forget Ithaqua, and Hastur hates his name.
 So here's sunken R'lyeh where the angles are all wrong.
   You'll lose your soul, and go insane if you stay there too long.
   We're slimey, we're squishy, we're all a little fishy,
   Our feast of human flesh and souls is about to start.
   And now we'll eat your heart.

             
A new guy walks into this rough town and read the sign above
the bar: FREE BEER FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! 
So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.
     
Bartender:  "Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of
pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face
while doing it.  SECOND, there's a 'gator out back with a sore
tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands.  THIRD, there's
a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm.  You gotta make things
right for her.
     
Man:  Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it.  You 
have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and they get 
crazier from there.
     
Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez
zat teeqeelah?"  He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands,
and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face.
     
Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear
the most frightning roaring and thumping, then silence.
     
The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and
big scratches all over his body.
     
"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

             
Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest
corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience
interviewing prospective employees.
------------------------------------------------------------------
+A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
+Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to
 the interviewer and the music at the same time.
+Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.
+Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a
 hamburger and french fies in the interviewers office.
+Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the
 interviewer.
+Candidate said he never finished high school because he was
 kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
+Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few
 minutes later wearing a headpiece.
+Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty
 by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
+Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice
 on how to answer specific interview questions.
+Candidate brought large dog to interview.
+Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed
 standing up.
+Candidate dozed off during interview.

The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions
 that have been asked by job candidates.
+"What is it that you people do at this company?"
+"What is the company motto?"
+"Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"
+"What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"
+"Why do you want references?"
+"Do I have to dress for the next interview?"
+"I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"
+"Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"
+"Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"
+"Does your health insurance cover pets?"
+"Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"
+"Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"
+"Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"
+"Why am I here?"

             
It has become commonplace to read in our newpapers of a crime somewhere in
America amusingly bungled by the criminal's ineptitude.

Droll though these news items may be, they reflect an overlooked cost of
our current national crisis in education.  The basic learning skills of
criminals have deteriorated to a shocking degree.

Consider the following:

o ITEM.  A bank robber in Bumpus, Tenn., handed a teller the following
note:  "Watch out.  This is a rubbery.  I hav an oozy traned on your but.
Dump the in a sack, this one.  No die packkets or other triks or I will
tare you a new naval.  No kwarter with red stuff on them, too."

Dr. Creon V.B. Smyk of the Ohio Valley Educational Council says such notes
are, lamentably, the rule.  "Right across the board, we see poor
pre-writing skills, problems with omissions, tense, agreement, spelling and
clarity," he moaned.

Smyk believes that the quality of robbery notes could be improved if
criminals could be taught to plan before writing.

"We have to stress organization:  Make an outline of your robbery note
before you write it," he said.  "Some of the notes get totally sidetracked
on issues like the make, model and caliber of the gun, number of bullets,
etc., until one loses sight of the main idea -- the robbery."

o ITEM. In Bent Forks, Ill., kidnapers of ice-cube magnate Worth Bohnke
  sent a photograph of their captive to Bohnke's family.  Bohnke was
  seen holding up a newspaper.  It was not that day's edition and, in
  fact, bore a prominent headline relating to Nixon's trip to China.

This was pointed out to the kidnapers in a subsequent phone call. They
responded by sending a new photograph showing an up-to-date newspaper.
Bohnke, however, did not appear in the picture. When this, too, was
refused, the kidnapers became peevish and insisted that a photograph be
sent to them showing all the people over at Bohnke's house holding
different issues of _Success_ magazine. They provided a mailing address and
were immediately apprehended. They later admitted to FBI agents they did
not understand the principle involved in the photograph/newspaper concept.
"We thought it was just some kind of tradition," said one.

Educators agree that such mix-ups point to poor reasoning and comprehension
skills, ignorance of current events, and failure to complete work in the
time allotted.

o ITEM.  Burglars in Larch Barrens, Md., tried to cut through a safe using
  a Lazer Tag gun.

o ITEM.  Industrial thieves broke into the Bilgetek plant in Canasta,
  Wash., by crossing a metal catwalk and then blew it up, having forgotten
  it was their only means of escape.

o ITEM.  Rustlers in Spavin, N.D., made off with three Saint Bernard
  dogs, a stationary bicycle and the visiting in-laws of a farmer,
  after having failed to correctly identify the valuable cattle on the
  premises.

 "No problem-solving abilities, no communication skills, no 'plays and
relates well with others,' no nothing," FBI regional director J. Paine
Bloomey said, reviewing the state of modern criminality.  "We are talking
plain, flat-out, hard-boiled, stupid as pea turkeys."

By contrast, Japanese criminals score in the range 10 to 15 points higher
than their American counterparts in basic skills tests. In the Japanese
underworld, it is considered a matter of honor to execute a thoughtful,
grammatical, error-free crime.

Still, experts such as Smyk stop short of demanding a total  overhaul of
the educational system.  "For all their acumen," he says, "Japanese
criminals wind up sacrificing a lot of the joie de vivre you see in our
guys."

             
The following questions by lawyers were taken from official court documents
nationwide (do you know any others like this?).

  1)  Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

  2)  Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in
most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it
until the next morning?

  3)  Q: What happened then?
      A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify
me."
      Q: Did he kill you?

  4)  Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

  5)  The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

  6)  Were you alone or by yourself?

  7)  How long have you been a French Canadian?

  8)  Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

  9)  Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
      A: That's me.
      Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

  10) Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

  11) Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
      A: By death.
      Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

  12) Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
      A: I'll be three months on November 8.
      Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
      A: Yes.
      Q: What were you doing at that time?

  13) Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
      A: I used to be.
      Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

  14) So you were gone until you returned?

  15) Q: She had three children, right?
      A: Yes.
      Q: How many were boys?
      A: None
      Q: Were there girls?

  16) You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like,
but can you describe it?

  17) Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
      A: Yes.
      Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

  18) Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
      A: Not yet.

  19) A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid
question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the
next question."

  20) Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of
Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel?
      A: It was in the evening.  The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
      Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
      A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy.

             
Darwin Awards

These are nearly always granted posthumously. The citation is 
bestowed upon that individual (or the remains thereof), who 
through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to 
remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. 

[San Jose Mercury News]
XXX used a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's 
windshield.  It discharged, blowing a hole in his gut. 

[Hickory Daily Record, 12-21-92] Ken Charles Barger, 47, 
accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N. C., 
when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his 
bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & 
Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear. 

[News of the Weird, 18 May 93, San Jose Mercury News] A salesman, 
24, from Hialeah, Fla., was killed near Lantana, Fla., in March 
when his car smashed into a pole in the median strip of I-95 in 
the middle of the afternoon. Police said that the man was 
traveling at 80 MPH and, judging by the sales manual that was 
found open and clutched to his chest, had been busy reading. 

[Unknown, 25 March 1993] A Vapid Death
A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for 
the death of a men who was killed by his own gas. There was no 
mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas 
in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and 
cabbage (and a couple other things). It was just the right 
combination of foods.  It appears that the man died in his sleep 
from breathing from the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his 
bed.  Had he been outside or had his windows opened it wouldn't 
have been fatal but the man was shut up in his near airtight 
bedroom. He was ``...a big man with a huge capacity for creating 
[this deadly gas].'' Three of the rescue workers got sick and one 
was hospitalized.

[Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]  A man cleaning a bird feeder 
on his balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto 
suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death, police said 
Monday.

Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair Sunday when 
the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel 
regional police.

"It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honer 
said.  "It's one of those freak accidents. No foul play is 
suspected."

[UPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of 
windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane 
with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death.

A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of 
the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was 
explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law 
students.

Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength 
according to police reports. Peter Lauwers, managing partner of 
the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that 
Hoy was ``one of the best and brightest'' members of the 200-man 
association.

[AP, Cairo, Egypt, 31 Aug 1995] CAIRO, Egypt (AP) -- Six people 
drowned Monday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen 
into a well in southern Egypt.

An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot 
well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water 
pulled him down, police said.

His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went 
in one by one to help him, but also drowned. Two elderly farmers 
then came to help, but they apparently were pulled down by the 
same undercurrent.

The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the 
village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo.

The chicken was also pulled out. It survived. 

[Times of London] A thief who sneaked into a hospital was scarred 
for life when he tried to get a suntan.

After evading security staff at Odstock Hospital in Salisbury, 
Wiltshire, and helping himself to doctors' paging devices, the 
thief spotted a vertical sunbed. He walked into the unit and 
removed his clothes for a 45-minute tan.

However, the high-voltage UV machine at the hospital, which is 
renowned for its treatment of burns victims, has a maximum dosage 
of ten seconds.  After lying on the bed for almost 300 times the 
recommended maximum time the man was covered in blisters.

Hours later, when the pain of the burns became unbearable, he 
went to Southampton General Hospital, 20 miles away,in 
Hampshire. Staff became suspicious because he was wearing a 
doctor's coat. After tending his wounds they called the police. 

Southampton police said: "This man broke into Odstock and decided 
he fancied a quick suntan. Doctors say he is going to be scarred 
for life."

             
Phone Won't Stop Ringing?  Here's What You Do


	Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem. 
But unlike most people she did something about it.  The brand-new $10
million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the
same telephone number as Leola. From the moment the motel opened, Leola
was besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone number
for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management
to change its number.  Naturally, the management refused claiming that
it could not change its stationery.

	The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and
just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day
didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola
decided to take matters into her own hands.  At 9 o'clock the phone
rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and asked for a room
for the following Tuesday. Leoloa said, "No problem.  How many nights?" 
A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two
bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on
the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that
she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. "No, that
won't be necessary," Leola said. "We trust you."

	The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an
electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day weekend, a
college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War
II.  She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she
could watch the O.J. Simpson trial, but her biggest challenge came in
the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her
daughter's wedding in June.  Leola assured the woman that it would be no
problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want
the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the
hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet
parking came up. Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for
valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the
drivers."

	Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area. 
People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen
parties and were all told there were no such events.  Leola had her
final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel might go
bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said, "We're
prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel." Leola replied. "We'll
take it, but only if you change the telephone number."

             
 South African Health - Pelonomi Hospital
Date: 26 July 1996 10:08
     
"For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a dead patient 
in the same bed every Friday morning" a spokeswoman for the Pelonomi 
Hospital (Free State, South Africa) told reporters. "There was no 
apparent cause for any of the deaths, and extensive checks on the air
conditioning system, and a search for possible bacterial infection, failed 
to reveal any clues." "However, further inquiries have now revealed the 
cause of these deaths.
     
It seems that every Friday morning a cleaner would enter the ward, 
remove the plug that powered the patient's life support system, plug her 
floor polisher into the vacant socket, then go about her business.  When 
she had finished her chores, she would plug the life support machine 
back in and leave, unaware that the patient was now dead. She could
not, after all, hear the screams and eventual death rattle over the 
whirring of her polisher.
     
"We are sorry, and have sent a strong letter to the cleaner in question. 
Further, the Free State Health and Welfare Department is arranging for
an electrician to fit an extra socket, so there should be no repetition of 
this incident. The enquiry is now closed."
     
from (Cape Times, 6/13/96)
BTW, the headline of the newspaper story was, "Cleaner Polishes Off 
Patients."
     

             
SPACE-ALIEN IMPREGNATION:  ARE YOU INSURED?

REUTERS

LONDON -- Worried about sex with space aliens, maybe after a trip to
"Independence Day?"

A British broker claimed yesterday to be the first insurer in the world to
offer a policy against impregnation by beings from another planet.

Specialist broker Goodfellow Rebecca Ingrams Pearson (GRIP) said for $155 a
year, adults living in Britain could insure against two sorts of
extraterrestrial interference.

Abduction by aliens would net the victim about $160,000.  Impregnation -- a
risk against which both men and women can insure -- would double that sum.

"I personally would not buy a policy of this nature because I don't think
the risk is commensurate with the premium," said Simon Burgess, GRIP
managing director.  "But if there is the fear of these things out there, we
are justified in offering to cover people against them."

Some U.S. insurers, cashing in on the box-office movie phenomenon
"Independence Day" and on recent evidence that life may have existed on
Mars, have offered policies covering abduction by aliens.

But until now, Burgess said, it has been impossible to insure against being
impregnated by a being from another planet.

             
Dear Dr. Science...

Sometimes the photographs I've taken of normal looking people show them to
have fiery red eyes. Who are these people in my photographs? 

------------------- LaDoris H. Cordell, Palo Alto, CA 

They're Ektar Beings from the Negative Zone, lonely creatures who desire
nothing more than to have their picture taken. Since they lack the physical
density to operate a camera, they rely on you to do it for them. Like
chameleons, they can approximate the outward appearance of your friends and
family, but since the eyes are the windows of the soul, they can't disguise
their demonic interiors. I never take pictures of people anymore, so it's
been a while since I witnessed this phenomenon. But I remember it as the
proximate cause of the end of my fifth marriage to, I believe, Marsha. 

             
 After applying some simple algebra to some trite phrases and cliches a
 new understanding can be reached of the secret to wealth and success.

 Here it goes.

          Knowledge is Power
          Time is Money and as every engineer knows,
          Power is Work over Time.

 So, substituting algebraic equations for these time worn bits of wisdom,
 we get:
          K = P    (1)
          T = M    (2)
          P = W/T  (3)

 Now, do a few simple substitutions:

          Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields:
          K = W/T  (4)

 Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields:

          K = W/M  (5).

 Now we've got something.  Expanding back into English, we get:

          Knowledge equals Work over Money.

 What this MEANS is that:

          1. The More You Know, the More Work You Do, and
          2. The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.

 Solving for Money, we get:

           M = W/K  (6)
          Money equals Work Over Knowledge.

 From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge
 approaches 0, regardless of the Work done.

 What THIS MEANS is:

          The More you Make, the Less you Know.

 Solving for Work, we get

          W = M K  (7)
          Work equals Money times Knowledge

 From equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches
 0.

 What THIS MEANS is:

          The stupid rich do little or no work.

 Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left
 as an exercise for the reader.

--------------------
BUT WAIT! someone on the list HAD to have a reply... :)
--------------------


The prior investigators neglected several well-known bits of 
information,
without which their research may be jeopardized.

While it is true that 
                T = M          (1),
                K = P          (2),
 and          P = W/T      (3), 
the prior discussion neglected the fact that 

               M = sqrt E    (4),

or "Money is the root of all evil".  Using equations (1) and (3), one
immediately sees

              W/P = sqrt E      (5).

Substituting equation (2) into equ. (5), it becomes clear that

              W/K = sqrt E  (6),

or, it is evil to work hard and know nothing.  This clearly contradicts
previous findings that

              I = B               (7),

or, "Ignorance is Bliss", given that I = (K) ^^ -1.

As any good PHYSICIST knows,

               E = mc2         (8), or E  = mass by c squared.

Substituting this into equ. (4) and squaring, one derives

              M2 = m2 c4     (9)

As everyone knows, c4 is an explosive, yielding power.

              M2 = m2 P      (10), or using equ. (3),

              M2 = m2 W/T   (11).

This contradicts prior claims regarding the "stupid rich", proving 
that:

"Money is only amassed by working overtime."

             
Here's a look at how shrewd American business people have translated their
slogans and product names into foreign languages:

When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in leather," it
came out in Spanish as "Fly naked."

Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as
"Suffer from diarrhea."

Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a
tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a
sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."

When Vicks first introduce its cough drops on the German market, they were
chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of "v" is f - which in
German is the gutteral equivalent of "sexual penetration."

Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only
to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse.

The English weren't too fond of the name either, as it's a highly derogatory
term for a non-heterosexual.

The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "Nova" means
"it doesn't go" in Spanish.

When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they
translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally.

The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from
the Grave."

When Coca-Cola first shipped to China, they named the product something that
when pronounced sounded like "Coca-Cola."  The only problem was that the
characters used meant "Bite the wax tadpole."  They later changed to a set of
characters that mean "Happiness in the mouth."

Clairol, the hair products company, introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling
iron, in Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure.  Not too
many people had use for the manure stick.

When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, it used the same
packaging as here in the USA - with the cute baby on the label.  Later the
company found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on the
label of what's inside since most people can't read.

             
Some of these are really funny.

* Coca-cola was originally green.
* Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treas.
* Smartest dogs: 1)border collie; 2)poodle;  3)golden retriever
* Dumbest: afghan
* Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
* Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
* Chances that an American lives within 50 mi of where he/she grew up: 1 
  in 2
* Amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive from 
  each salad served first class:     $40,000
* City with the most Rolls Royces per capita:  Hong Kong
* State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:  Alaska
* Chances of a white Christmas in New York:  1 in 4
* Portion of US annual rainfall that falls in April:  1/12
* Percentage of Africa that is wilderness:  28
* Percentage of North America that is wilderness:  38
* Estimated percentage of American adults who go on a diet each year:  44
* Barbie's measurements if she were life size:  39-23-33
* Percentage of Americans who say that God has spoken to them:  36
* Percentage of Americans who regularly attend religious services:  43
* City with the highest per capita viewership of TV evangelists: Wash.,
  DC.
* Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if
  they had it to do all over again:  80
* Percentage of American women who say they would marry the same man:  50
* Percentage of men who say they are happier after their divorce or
  separation: 58
* Percentage of women who say they are happier:  85
* Number of different familial relationships for which Hallmark makes
  cards:105
* Cost of raising a medium-sized dog to the age of eleven:  $6,400
* Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.
* Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland or Disney World: 70
* Average life span of a major league baseball:  7 pitches.
* Portion of ice cream sold that is vanilla:  1/3
* Portion of potatoes sold that are French-fried:  1/3
* Percentage of Americans that eat at McDonalds each day:  7
* Percentage of bird species that are monogamous:   90
* Percentage of mammal species that are:  3
* Number of US states that claim test scores in their elementary schools
  are above national average:  50
* Portion of Harvard students who graduate with honors:  4/5
* Chances that a burglary in the US will be solved:  1 in 7
* Portion of land in the US owned by the government:  1/3
* Only President to remain a bachelor:  James Buchanan
* Only first lady to carry a loaded revolver:  Eleanor Roosevelt
* Only president to win a Pulitzer:  John F. Kennedy, for
  _Profiles in Courage_
* Only president awarded a patent:  Abe Lincoln, for a system of buoying
  vessels over shoals
* Only food that does not spoil:  honey
* Only person to win $64,000 Challenge and $64,000 Question: Dr. Joyce
  Brothers (subject is boxing)
* Only bird that can fly backwards:  Hummingbird
* Only continent without reptiles or snakes: Antarctica
* Only animal besides human that can get sunburn:  Pig
* Ostriches stick their heads in the sand to look for water.
* An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it.
* In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees.
* Polar bears are left-handed.
* Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
* Eskimos never gamble.
* The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
* The youngest pope was 11 years old.
* Mark Twain didn't graduate from elementary school.
* Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses.
* Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner.
* Your nose and ears never stop growing.
* Jupiter is bigger than all the other planets combined.
* Hot water is heavier than cold.
* The parachute was invented by da Vinci in 1515.
* They have square watermelons in Japan...they stack better.
* Starfish have eight eyes--one at the end of each leg.
* Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation.
* First novel ever written on a typewriter was _Tom Sawyer_.
* There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the
  year.
* Heinz Catsup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles per year.
* It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.
* Men get hiccups more often than women.
* Armadillos can be housebroken.