The thalia.org Humor Archives

Well, most politicians nowadays seem to be giving comedians plenty of material... Enjoy!

The Court of King George III London, England July 10, 1776 Mr. Thomas Jefferson c/o The Continental Congress Philadelphia, Pennsylvania Dear Mr. Jefferson: We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision: 1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the Laws of Nature and Nature's God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature. 2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion. 3. You hold certain truths to be "self-evident." Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics. 4. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that "among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years," these could be measurable goals. Please clarify. 5. You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government...." Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations? 6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement. 7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies "ought to be Free and Independent States," and that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown." Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies? 8. Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators. 9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne's War. 10. What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking. 11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix. We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration of Independence." We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required. Sincerely, Management Analyst to the British Crown

IT'S TIME FOR A RUSH Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road. Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer. They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed hours. When he came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his employee had been there so long. "Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses," explained the driver. "What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked. The chauffeur replied, "I told him that I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed the pig."

RUSH vs BARNEY: A comparison Someone earlier suggested a striking similarity between Rush Limbaugh and television wrestlers. On my cable system, however, Rush occupies the slot next to Barney and, while channel surfing recently, I began to notice the similarity between the two. For comparison's sake: Barney Rush ------ ---- Large clumsy animal? YES YES Garish, tight- YES YES fitting clothes? Oversized head and YES YES oversized rump? Stupid, repetitious "I love you "I hate Bill song that is repeated You love me..." I hate Hillary..." ad-nauseam? Idiotic plastic grin no YES YES matter what he's saying? Beloved by some but YES YES hated by most? Appeals mostly to those YES YES of limited ability to think for themselves? Makes more money than is YES YES warranted by talent? Spawn of Satan? Some say yes Some say yes The evidence is clear!

April 1, 1988: The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by physicists at Turgid University. The element, tentatively named Administratium (Ad), has no protons or electrons, which means that its atomic number is 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistants to the neutron, 75 vice-neutrons, and 111 assistants to the vice-neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass number of 312. The 312 particles are held together in the nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called memoons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically because it seems to impede every reaction in which it is present. According to Dr. M. Langour, one of the discoverers of the element, a very small amount of Administratium made one reaction that normally takes less than a second take over four days.

Administratium has a half-life of approximately 3 years, at which time it does not actually decay. Instead, it undergoes a reorganization in which assistants to the neutron, vice-neutrons, and assistants to the vice-neutrons exchange places. Some studies have indicated that the atomic mass number actually increases after each reorganization.

Administratium was discovered by accident when Dr. Languor angrily resigned from the chairmanship of the physics department and dumped all of his papers into the intake hatch of the university's particle accelerator. "Apparently, the interaction of all of those reports, grant forms, etc. with the particles in the accelerator created the new element." Dr. Langour explained.

Research at other laboratories seems to indicate that Administratium might occur naturally in the atmosphere. According to one scientist, Administratium is most likely to be found on college and university campuses, near the best-appointed and best-maintained buildings.

Subject: NASA Downsizing proposals [This is circulating at the Space Telescope Science Institute, which operates the Hubble Space Telescope for NASA.] (from an unknown source ...) House to Downsize Solar System A Press Release Bob Haberle reporting. WASHINGTON D.C. The House Appropriations subcommittee on NASA oversight, in another effort to reduce the NASA budget, passed a resolution today to downsize the solar system. According to an unnamed congressional staffer, House Republicans felt there has been "too much redundancy in the solar system" and that streamlining the 4.5 billion year old planetary system is long overdue. Such action would give NASA fewer places to go and this would allow the agency to carry out its space exploration goals within the funding profile that the House proposed earlier this summer. "Look, we have three terrestrial planets" said Congressman Rip U. Apart (R, Del.), "and only one of them really works! So why not get rid of the other two and clean up the neighborhood?" Most subcommittee members felt that while downsizing was definitely in the cards, eliminating both Mars and Venus was going too far. "We have too many international commitments to Mars." said Rush N. Hater (R, Calif.). "So I think we should keep Mars and dump Venus. Its too hot to live on, and liberal Democrats keep using it as an example of what global warming can do. So from a political and practical point of view, Venus has got to go." Also at risk is the planet Mercury which lacks support because of its small size and poor visibility from Earth. "Who needs it?" asked Congressman Newt Onian (R, N.C.). "Have you ever seen it? I haven't. So what good is it? We just don't need useless planets. And speaking of useless planets, what about the asteroids? If you've seen one, you've seen them all. So I say we ought to get rid of the little boogers once and for all." However, the downsizing recommendations do not stop with the terrestrial planets. The resolution also calls for a reduction in the number of gas giants which contain most of the planetary mass in the solar system. Most subcommittee members favor retaining Jupiter and Saturn, and eliminating Uranus and Neptune. "Jupiter employs the most molecules, and Saturn has those pretty little rings everyone likes." said Rep. Con Mann (R, Fla.). "On the other hand, Uranus is a bore and its rings are dirty. And Neptune, for God's sake, is just too far away. So begone with those ugly bruisers." But the influential Wright I.M. Fornow from South Carolina has publicly announced he will fight to eliminate Saturn. Fornow is especially miffed by NASA's success thus far in keeping Cassini, the next mission to Saturn, alive which he feels is waste of taxpayers money. "If there ain't no Saturn, then there ain't no Cassini" he exclaimed. The congressman also expressed concern about sending back-to-back spacecraft bearing Italian surnames to the outer planets (The Galileo spacecraft arrives at Jupiter this December). The subcommittee was unanimous in its views towards Pluto which they deemed a moral misfit. "Now here's a planet we can definitely do without." continued Fornow. "A few years ago, it was farthest from the sun. Now its not. Its just too confusing. And now they tell me its really two planets instead of one. What the hell is going on here?" The resolution must now be presented to the entire House, where it is expected to pass easily since only a minority of Representatives have constituents on the affected planets. NASA Administrator Golden has vowed to resist any further reductions to the solar system, saying that "NASA has expended considerable effort to make the planets cheaper, faster, and better. Much of this work would be wasted if the solar system were downsized" stated Golden. Critics say, however, that reducing the number of planets will not produce the expected savings to taxpayers. Textbooks, they note, would have to be revised to reflect the new arrangement, and facilities would need to be constructed to remove the planets themselves. The resolution is also likely to draw strong opposition from religious fundamentalists who have long opposed the elimination of any of the biblical planets. Thus, the matter is far from resolved.

"Cynics might also question whether, in a country paranoid about the level of its health spending, it is sensible to encourage people to die in their 80s of expensive degenerative diseases, when they would otherwise drop off their perches with lung cancer at a tax-efficient 60 or so."
-- _The Economist_ on cigarette taxes

A BILL TO REGULATE THE HUNTING AND HARVESTING OF ATTORNEYS 372.01 - Any person with a valid California state rodent or deer hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sporting (non-commercial) purposes. 372.02 - Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait is, however, prohibited. 372.03 - The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside and the vehicle should proceed to the nearest car wash. 372.04 - It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or fixed-wing aircraft. 372.05 - It is unlawful to shout "Whiplash!", "Ambulance!", or "Free Scotch!" for the purpose of trapping attorneys. 372.06 - It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within one hundred (100) yards of BMW, Porsche, or Mercedes dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoons. 372.07 - It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within two hundred (200) yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs or hospitals. No fair, that's their stompin' grounds! 372.08 - If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess same. 372.09 - It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys. 372.10 - Bag Limits Per Day Yellow Bellied sidewinders 2 Two-faced Tortfeasors 1 Back-stabbing Divorce Litigators 3 Horn Rimmed cut-throats 2 Honest Attorneys PROTECTED (ENDANGERED SPECIES)

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." -- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes. "They gave me a book of checks. They didn't ask for any deposits." -- Congressman Joe Early (D-Mass) at a press conference to answer questions about the House Bank scandal. "He didn't say that. He was reading what was given to him in a speech." -- Richard Darman, director of OMB, explaining why President Bush wasn't following up on his campaign pledge that there would be no loss of wetlands "It depends on your definition of asleep. They were not stretched out. They had their eyes closed. They were seated at their desks with their heads in a nodding position. -- John Hogan, Commonwealth Edison Supervisor of News Information, responding to a charge by a Nuclear Regulatory Commission inspector that two Dresden Nuclear Plant operators were sleeping on the job. "I didn't accept it. I received it." -- Richard Allen, National Security Advisor to President Reagan, explaining the $1000 in cash and two watches he was given by two Japanese journalists after he helped arrange a private interview for them with First Lady Nancy Reagan. "I was a pilot flying an airplane and it just so happened that where I was flying made what I was doing spying." -- Francis Gary Power, U-2 reconnaissance pilot held by the Soviets for spying, in an interview after he was returned to the US "I was under medication when I made the decision not to burn the tapes." -- President Richard Nixon "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward "I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially members of the House and members of the Senate." -- Vice-President Dan Quayle "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C. "Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway." -- Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane "Are you any relation to your brother Marv?" -- Leon Wood, New Jersey Nets guard, to Steve Albert, Nets TV commentator "Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued...Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976." -- Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history...this century's history.... We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." -- Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust "In the early sixties, we were strong, we were virulent..." -- John Connally, Secretary of Treasury under Richard Nixon, in an early 70s speech, as reported in a contemporary "American Scholar" "Rotarians, be patriotic. Learn to shoot yourself." -- Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator" "The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe." -- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia "I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted." -- Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries "The crime bill passed by the Senate would reinstate the Federal death penalty for certain violent crimes: assassinating the President; hijacking an airliner; and murdering a government poultry inspector." -- Knight Ridder News Service dispatch "After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post." -- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island "The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing." -- Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head

A recent report from Interfax states (as quoted in the Jamestown Monitor): "The directorate of the zoo in Nizhny Novgorod [a city a couple hundred miles east of Moscow, Russia] has threatened to set free two tigers if the local administration fails to provide money to feed them." And you thought budget battles in Washington were tough...

In an October interview with the Raleigh (N. C.) News and Observer, U. S. Rep. Frederick K. Heineman said his combined Congressional salary and pension income of $183,000 a year makes him merely "lower-middle class." Said Heineman, "When I see someone who is making anywhere from $300,000 to $750,000 a year, that's middle class." [Washington Post, 10-25-95]

Real life thoughts from Newt:

"If combat means living in a ditch, females have biological problems staying in a ditch for thirty days becasue they get infections and don't have upper body strength. I mean, some do, but they're relatively rare. On the other hand, men are basically little piglets, you drop them in the ditch, they roll around in it, doesn't matter, you know. These things are very real.

On the other hand, if combat means being on an Aegis-class cruiser managing the computer controls for twelve ships and their rockets, a female may be again dramatically better than a male who gets in very, very frustrated sitting in a chair all the time because males are biologically driven to go out and hunt giraffes."

-- Adjunct Profesor Newt Gingrich, Reinhardt College, January 7, 1995, "Renewing American Civilization."

The following is a letter making Internet e-mail rounds to Rep. Newt Gingrich from Fresno Bee reporter John Scalzi. It includes an informal poll Scalzi conducted on Newt's remarks about -- and astonsishing misunderstanding of -- typical male behavior. Dear Mr. Gingrich: My name is John Scalzi, and I am a columnist for the Fresno Bee in Fresno, California. In the days since the unearthing of your comments about men, women, combat, and the biological drive for men to hunt giraffes, I have taken it upon myself to conduct a poll to see whether that innate giraffe-hunting urge (and the little piglet wallowing urge) is in fact alive and well in the average American male. While the sample polled is statistically small (50 men, basically whomever was handy at the time) and largely comprised of white, college-educated, gainfully employed males, I nevertheless feel that the information gleaned from this poll will be of some value to someone, somewhere, some time. Perhaps you yourself, should the subject of instinctual giraffe slaughtering come up again. Certainly for me, as it takes up the bulk of my column, to be published soon. Thank you for your time, and happy hunting and/or wallowing, whichever the case may be. 1. Have you ever hunted a giraffe? Yes: 0% No: 100% 2. Have you ever had the urge to hunt a giraffe? Yes: 4% No: 96% 3. Provided the right tools and the time, would you hunt a giraffe? Yes: 8% No: 92% 4. If not a giraffe, would you hunt another African savannah animal? Yes: 20% No: 80% 5. If you had to hunt an African savannah animal, which of the following would you choose? a) Zebra: 2% b) Rhino: 6% c) Meerkat: 12% d) Boar: 42% e) Any creature that appeared in "The Lion King": 36% 6. Do you think giraffe would taste like chicken? Yes: 38% No: 62% 7. Might it not make more sense not to hunt giraffes, but rather to set up giraffe ranches? Yes: 92% No: 8% 8. When you see Geoffrey, the Toys'R' Us giraffe, do you ever get the urge to stick him with a spear? Yes: 40% No: 60% 9. Do you expect that Newt Gingrich has ever had the urge to hunt a giraffe? Yes: 74% No: 26% 10. If Newt Gingrich were to hunt a giraffe, would he use tools, or simply his own mouth? Tools: 48% Mouth: 52% 11. Would you rather hunt a giraffe, or wallow in a ditch like a little piglet? Hunt: 30% Wallow: 70% 12. Would you generally describe yourself as a little piglet? Yes: 22% No: 78% 13. Would you describe Newt Gingrich as a little piglet? Yes: 54% No: 46% 14. If you could, would you hunt Newt Gingrich? Yes: 58% No: 42% 15. Would Newt Gingrich taste like chicken? Yes: 18% No: 82%

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and said, "Why, Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?" "That it is," Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball." "You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat. "How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume!" demanded Mike. "Well," mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere." "That there is." replied Mike. "'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."

Representative Tim Moor sponsored a resolution in the Texas House of Representatives in Austin, Texas calling on the House to commend Albert de Salvo for his unselfish service to ``his country, his state and his community.''

The resolution stated that ``this compassionate gentleman's dedication and devotion to his work has enabled the weak and the lonely throughout the nation to achieve and maintain a new degree of concern for their future. He has been officially recognized by the state of Massachusetts for his noted activities and unconventional techniques involving population control and applied psychology.'' The resolution was passed unanimously.

Representative Moore then revealed that he had only tabled the motion to show how the legislature passes bills and resolutions often without reading them or understanding what they say. Albert de Salvo was the Boston Strangler.

THE ETERNAL WISDOM OF Dan Quayle There is nothing that a good defense cannot beat a better offense. In other words a good offense wins. -- Vice President Dan Quayle comparing the offensive capabilities of the Warsaw Pact with the defensive system of NATO Why wouldn't an enhanced deterrent, a more stable peace, a better prospect to denying the ones who enter conflict in the first place to have a reduction of offensive systems and an introduction to defensive capability. I believe that is the route this country will eventually go. -- Vice President Dan Quayle Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. -- Vice President Dan Quayle Mars is essentially in the same orbit... somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe. -- Vice President Dan Quayle Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is IN the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here. -- Vice President Dan Quayle Hawaii, September 1989 What a terrible thing to have lost one's mind. Or not to have a mind at all. How true that is. -- Vice President Dan Quayle winning friends while speaking to the United Negro College Fund You all look like happy campers to me. Happy campers you are, happy campers you have been, and, as far as I am concerned, happy campers you will always be. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, to the American Samoans, whose capital Quayle pronounces "Pogo Pogo" Quayle stumbled in response to a question about his opinion of the Holocaust. He said it was "an obscene period in our nation's history." Then, trying to clarify his remark, Quayle said he meant "this century's history" and added a confusing comment. "We all lived in this century, I didn't live in this century," he said. -- Vice President Dan Quayle We expect them [Salvadorian officials] to work toward the elimination of human rights. -- Vice President Dan Quayle El Salvador is a democracy so it's not surprising that there are many voices to be heard here. Yet in my conversations with Salvadorans... I have heard a single voice. -- Vice President Dan Quayle I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change. -- Vice President Dan Quayle One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'. -- Vice President Dan Quayle If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, to the Phoenix Republican Forum, March 1990 It's rural America. It's where I came from. We always refer to ourselves as real America. Rural America, real America, real, real, America. -- Vice President Dan Quayle Target prices? How that works? I know quite a bit about farm policy. I come from Indiana, which is a farm state. Deficiency payments - which are the key - that is what gets money into the farmer's hands. We got loan, uh, rates, we got target, uh, prices, uh, I have worked very closely with my senior colleague, (Indiana Sen.) Richard Lugar, making sure that the farmers of Indiana are taken care of. -- Vice President Dan Quayle on being asked to define the term "target prices." Quayle's press secretary then cut short the press conference, after two minutes and 30 seconds. I not going to focus on what I have done in the past what I stand for, what I articulate to the American people. The American people will judge me on what I am saying and what I have done in the last 12 years in the Congress. -- Vice President Dan Quayle I want to be Robin to Bush's Batman. -- Vice President Dan Quayle We should develop anti-satellite weapons because we could not have prevailed without them in 'Red Storm Rising'. -- Vice President Dan Quayle The US has a vital interest in that area of the country. -- Vice President Dan Quayle Referring to Latin America. Japan is an important ally of ours. Japan and the United States of the Western industrialized capacity, 60 percent of the GNP, two countries. That's a statement in and of itself. -- Vice President Dan Quayle Who would have predicted... that Dubcek, who brought the tanks in in Czechoslovakia in 1968 is now being proclaimed a hero in Czechoslovakia. Unbelievable. -- Vice President Dan Quayle Actually, Dubcek was the leader of the Prague Spring. May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world. -- The Quayle's 1989 Christmas card. [Not a beacon of literacy, though.] Well, it looks as if the top part fell on the bottom part. -- Vice President Dan Quayle referring to the collapsed section of the 880 freeway after the San Francisco earthquake of 1989. [this may be a joke; the source is unclear but it's still funny] ...getting [cruise missiles] more accurate so that we can have precise precision. -- Vice President Dan Quayle referring to his legislative work dealing with cruise missiles I can identify with steelworkers. I can identify with workers that have had a difficult time. -- Vice President Dan Quayle addressing workers at an Ohio steel plant,1988 [I will never have] another Jimmy Carter grain embargo, Jimmy, Jimmy Carter, Jimmy Carter grain embargo, Jimmy Carter grain embargo. -- Vice President Dan Quayle during the Benson debate Certainly, I know what to do, and when I am Vice President -- and I will be -- there will be contingency plans under different sets of situations and I tell you what, I'm not going to go out and hold a news conference about it. I'm going to put it in a safe and keep it there! Does that answer your question? -- Vice President Dan Quayle when asked what he would do if he assumed the Presidency,1988 Lookit, I've done it their way this far and now it's my turn. I'm my own handler. Any questions? Ask me ... There's not going to be any more handler stories because I'm the handler ... I'm Doctor Spin. -- Vice President Dan Quayle responding to press reports of his aides having to, in effect, "potty train" him. I would guess that there's adequate low-income housing in this country. -- Vice President Dan Quayle Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things. -- Vice President Dan Quayle The real question for 1988 is whether we're going to go forward to tomorrow or past to the -- to the back! -- Vice President Dan Quayle We will invest in our people, quality education, job opportunity, family, neighborhood, and yes, a thing we call America. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 1988 We'll let the sunshine in and shine on us, because today we're happy and tomorrow we'll be even happier. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 1988 We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world. -- Vice President Dan Quayle This election is about who's going to be the next President of the United States! -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 1988 Don't forget about the importance of the family. It begins with the family. We're not going to redefine the family. Everybody knows the definition of the family. [Meaningful pause] A child. [Meaningful pause] A mother. [Meaningful pause] A father. There are other arrangements of the family, but that is a family and family values. I've been very blessed with wonderful parents and grandparents and aunts and uncles. We all have our family, whichever that may be ... The very beginnings of civilization, the very beginnings of this country, goes back to the family. And time and time again, I'm often reminded, especially in this Presidential campaign, of the importance of a family, and what a family means to this country. And so when you pay thanks I suppose the first thing that would come to mind would be to thank the Lord for the family. -- Vice President Dan Quayle

>From the real invitation: The Montgomery County Branch of the NAACP, in conjunction with Montgomery County business leaders and concerned citizens, request that you join us at a benefit reception for the rebuilding of black churches lost to fire on Sunday, July 14, 1996 12:00 pm - 3:00 pm at the Flaming Pit Restaurant 18701 N. Frederick Road (Rte. 355) Gaithersburg, Maryland 20879

The following is a verbatim transcript of a sentence imposed in 1881 upon a defendant convicted of murder in the Federal District Court of the Territory of New Mexico. The judge who imposed the sentence was a United States judge. The trial was held in Taos, NM, in an adobe stable being used as a temporary courtroom. "Jose Manuel Miguel Xaviar Gonzales, in a few short weeks it will be Spring. The snows of Winter will flee away, and the ice will vanish, and the air will become soft and balmy. In short, Jose Manuel Miguel Xaviar Gonzales, the annual miracle of the years will awaken and come to pass, but you won't be there." "The rivulet will run its soaring course to the sea, the timid desert flowers will put forth their tender shoots, the glorious valleys of this imperial domain will blossom as the rose. Still, you won't be here to see." "From every treetop some wild woods songster will carol his mating song, butterflies will sport in the sunshine, the busy bee will hum happy as it pursues its accustomed vocation, the gentle breeze will tease the tassels of the wild grasses, and all nature, Jose Manuel Miguel Xaviar Gonzales, will be glad, but you. You won't be here to enjoy it because I command the sheriff or some other officers of the country to lead you out to some remote spot, swing you by the neck from a notting bough of some sturdy oak, and let you hang until you are dead." "And then, Jose Manuel Miguel Xaviar Gonzales, I further command that such officer or officers retire quickly from your dangling corpse, that vultures may descend from the heavens upon your filthy body until nothing shall remain but bare, bleached bones of a cold-blooded, copper-colored, blood-thirsty, throat-cutting, chili-eating, sheep-herding, murdering son-of-a-bitch!" United States of America vs Gonzales (1881) United States District Court, New Mexico Territory Sessions

Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question? Father: Sure, son. What's the question? Son: What is politics? Father: Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me management. You mother is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her government. We take care of your needs so let's call you the people. We'll call the maid the working class and your baby brother the future. Do you understand? Son: I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it. That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He then went to the maid's room where, peeking through the key hole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went unheard by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to bed. The next morning... Son: Dad, now I think I understand politics. Father: That's great, son. Explain it to me in your own words. Son: Well, Dad, while management is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep. The people are being completely ignored and the future is full of shit.

Thanks for looking!

Now, please go back to the archives...